For His Glory

It’s 8:41p.m and I cannot breathe.

All day today, I have had the urgency in my spirit to write, so once again I’ll offer myself up to the Lord and allow him to have his way.

Anxiety is real.

Pain is real.

Trauma is real.

Abuse is real.

But… So is healing.

My life over the past several weeks has been a train wreck.

Back in the Summer of this past year I was running 100 miles per hour with Jesus. I was singing in church, testifying to people, walking and talking the Christian life. I was able to withstand almost every obstacle that came my way; one may classify it as being on top of the mountain.

As the seasons began to slowly turn from Summer to Fall, I started to become undone. Misery loves company, and even the most well put together people have issues that they dare not share with the world.

My issues were many, and I hid them well. While on the mountain top, I hid it all, while secretly battling them alone. I would smile to people’s faces while crying and praying in secret.

What is love without pain? A fairytale, and we all know those are fiction.

What is life without pain? The perfect picture life does not exist; yet most secretly display this image, to prevent others from looking down or frowning upon them. Most people bottle up their pain and hide it away in a box. Hi, I’m most people for the most part.

Yes, a lot of my blogs deal with deep issues, but I confess one of my most hidden battles, one that almost cost me my life, I have kept hidden from the radar until now.

I have a confession.

I fell of that mountain.

I made it to the top, it was suicide.

I saw a clear view of what a head of me was, and what was behind me; like Pharoah chasing the Egyptians, my past kept creeping up on me, but not just any past, the yesterday’s past. Every day that went by as I neared the top of that mountain was just as painful as it was joyful. I was breaking as I was climbing. I was collapsing as I was holding on to the branches pulling myself upward along that mountain side; literally dragging myself. I fought to get to the top of the mountain. I was on the peak, the pain kept following me. I begged God to make it stop, to take it away, to make a way. I became so blinded and scared because I could not see God moving, and all I could see was yesterday hunting me and haunting me. I became immobilized, and captured by secret isolation, depression, grief, trauma, a failed marriage, and my own unstable emotions, I decided NO MORE. I’ve always walked by faith and not sight. My faith became so blinded, I decided to go by sight instead. I took matters into my own hands, and said, “God, no more! You are not moving, I have to, I can’t bear this.”

I leaped.

Spiritual Suicide, I died.

Or did I?

God knows everything. He knew I was going to get to that point. He knew I was going to get to the top and jump, but even as I type this, I see his hand reaching down to me, as if he himself caught me before I hit the very bottom.

I’ve always heard there is no forgiveness for suicide, but that about Spiritual Suicide? Why did he catch me? Why didn’t he just let me fall? Why does he still see me as precious? Why won’t God let me go? How can he love me after I turned my back on him? Because he is God, he is good, and his mercy and grace is endless.

Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning great is your faithfulness.

In my heart, I feel as though I do not deserve any kind of love in this life, much less the Love that Jesus has to offer, but guess what, Jesus is still here with me, and he’s still there with you. There is no measuring or stopping the love Jesus has for anyone, we can choose to turn it away, but even then, he loves us still. He loved Judas as he was betraying him with the kiss that revealed his identity to crowd that captured and killed him.

Allow me to go into some details of my pain, trauma, and the train wreck.

For over 3 years, I have prayed for my marriage. I begged God to move; yeah, sure sometimes I’d see movement and other’s I’d see nothing. I begged God to save my husband. I begged my husband to go to church with me. I begged my husband to forgive me of my wrongs I had done to him. I kept my mouth shut most of the time, (I’m honest here too, you can only back me into a corner so far before I fight back, so I’ll admit I’ve lost my cool. Are you human or a robotic?) I feel in my heart I pleaded with Jesus to just move on my home, but yet I felt as though I got nothing when it comes to my husband. I ended up with the devil using my husband as Pharoah, to chase me up that mountain as I climbed as far as I could. I tried showing him the light, but it’s like the light was slowly diminishing out of me. I kind of feel like I failed God in a way, because I wasn’t able to stand and because I fell short of making sure he was saved. Maybe this is guilt, I’m not sure, but I feel like I’m still defending myself to myself saying I tried. We were supposed to file for divorce about three weeks ago, but still nothing has happened. I’ve stopped pressing it, and now I am back to isolating in my bedroom (note we have separate rooms). I work, do homework, force air into my lungs, and I repeat. Am I still dying?

After leaping off the mountain peak, I went on vacation for almost three weeks. I indulged on Dollywood, ziplining, fine food, and virgin daquiris. I didn’t withhold any good or pleasant thing from myself. If it felt good, I done it. I allowed myself to love the world and all the pleasures of the world again. I became fleshly alive as I was spiritually dying. It felt good. I started smoking and vaping. I began to curse. I became the very image of the girl I once was.

Looking back, the moment I opened myself up to become the girl I once was, is when the train wreck happened. The new me ran straight backwards, and the old me ran straight forward. The two collided, and I began to portray qualities from both images. I remember God’s word at this instance, telling me I cannot serve God and Mammon (the devil). You’ll cling to one of them more and the one you cling to the most is the very image that you will eventually become.

Matthew 6:24 No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.

More details: The world felt good, but emotionally at the end of most nights, I was left begging God to spare me and bring me out of the hell I was in. I begged God many times to just forgive and take me home. I got really dark and could not see any light. There was times God would have friends reach out to me to be like “Do not do anything.” (PLEASE NOTE I AM NOT SUICIDAL. I WILL NEVER BE, however I now realize how easy it is for pain to take people out, and I would have never gotten that understanding unless it had happened to me.)

Now, back to the present.

My rollercoaster fun filled vacation experience is now over. I’m back to the real world. I started working again. In the midst of all the chaos, a door was opened for me to go to work as a CNA/PCT. I ended up getting a position that would work with my college schedule. There was Jesus. In the midst of the chaos, he was still directing me. I have taken my TEAS exam and passed it. I take my pre-nursing conference next week, and I will be applying for the RN program shortly after.

God is still here

I’m not dead.

I’m still breathing.

And he’s still molding me.

Those of you that know me, know I am always trying to figure out what people’s real motives are and what tomorrow is going to bring. He literally just whispered, “Sufficient for today is enough. & not to worry about tomorrow.” It’s not live in the moment, it’s a state of living in him, and trusting in him at all times, even when we cannot see. –God, I’ve been there, done that and remember I failed at this. Hence, my leap.

It’s like his restless love just doesn’t stop, and he’s always showing up, and showing out. My new job is awesome. I love drawing blood (I’m only a little morbid), but patient care is my thing. I’m excited for my future, but I’m also scared of tomorrow. What else am I going to have to go through to get to where I need to be in life? How many more times am I going to rise and fall before the last promise comes?

In all of this, I still see God’s promises coming to fulfillment in the near future, and somehow, it’s like he’s allowing me to learn from my fall, while almost instantly placing me back on his feet, and opening up new doors for growth. I’ve known nursing was his plan for me for about two years, and when I finally decided to pursue it, he’s most certainly opening up every door for it. Another question, God, how on earth is me becoming a nurse going to play into me teaching, preaching, and witnessing your word? If you’d just show me the big picture, maybe it would be easier to walk it. Back to faith, I know he has me. The big picture is all of this is about Jesus, and for Jesus, I just have to be willing to allow him to work on me, while I hold his hand and he will work out the rest.

It’s still God’s last promise that keeps me holding on through all this. Faith, love, and hope.

1 Corinthians 13:3-8; 11-13 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.  When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.  And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

It’s coming to me that in order to love like Jesus, I have to go through hardships like Jesus. He reminds me that weeping endures for a moment but joy cometh in the morning and the sufferings of this present time cannot be compared to glory that is coming.

Psalm 30:5 For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Romans 8:18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us

From past and present experiences, I am realizing he really does and is using everything for his good. There’s nothing he won’t use for his glory. All my pain, trauma, abandonment, resentment, all the mountains, tears, beautiful and horrific moments, God is and will use for his glory.

To the Girl I ran into when the train wrecked — Go back to hell.

To the Woman I am- I am proud of you, you are doing an amazing job, even though you don’t realize it, and you are worthy, Jesus says you are worthy because his love is what makes you worthy. His love is a free gift Its time for you to believe it too. Allow Jesus to use this time in your life to break down, build up, take away and add characteristics to you and your walk with him that needs or doesn’t need to be there. He’s got your back! When the world turns it on you, he holds you (I literally just saw this flash before me ❤ )

To the Woman I am becoming- You’re going to be a force to be reckoned with when it comes to God’s Kingdom, you’re going to lead many to Jesus because of the testimony he will have given you by the time you reach that point. You will be bold, and unstoppable, you will be favorable, and he will become well known on a personal level through you. —

To the World who is watching my rising and falling: pay attention because the same great, marvelous, sometimes messy stuff that has happened and is happening to me, happens to all, maybe not the exact same situations, but it happens and in all this he is still Lord. Just like he’s never left me, and I left him, he’s never left you. He understands the pain sometimes causes us to turn our back on him. The fact that he still loves us is the best part, he’s always waiting for us to spiritually come back home.

There’s a new awakening that’s about to take place. It’s the third greatest awakening that has yet come.

God, I pray as I / You bring this to a close, open their hearts, and eyes and hearts to you. Grow them father, take their bad and turn it for your good, pursue them Jesus, use your shepherd hook and rescue them from the pits as they fall, and the ones you are calling wrap them in your arms. God mend them, I know you love them, Lord I pray they love you in return. If my walk to you, from you and back to you helps lead just one soul to you, then at the end of my age, I’ve served my purpose. Not my will, but thy will be done.

Luke 15:10 Just so, I tell you, there is joy before the angels of God over one sinner who REPENTS.

He’s waiting for you!

I love you!

I pray I’ve said something to help you.

You’re not too far from God to be saved, and you aren’t too weak to be used by him. David was of little stature, but yet Jesus used him mightily. Samsung, defeated many, fell in love with Dilalah, was used as spectator’s sport, and yet God used him at his end. Joseph was sold into slavery, and God used him to feed his family during a famine.

There’s currently a famine taking place in our land for the real children of God to show Christ to dying nation. Are we among the hungry or among the serving, if so be that you were once among the hungry and are now fed, it’s time for you to start feeding the lost sheep that precious name of Jesus!!!

&.. Just like that it left.

I really do love you..

I’m fighting for you, and I’ll never stop!

Love Always,

Christie R.

Can I ask you something (maybe a few somethings)?

What is faith, where is your faith, and how strong is your faith?

When I think of faith, I think of the faith of Abraham and the rest of the patriarchs in God’s Biblical Word. While it is true, I don’t get to study or make myself study as often as I would/should; I still have faith, and I hold to it.

Hebrews 11:1 Faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen.

Romans 8:25 For if we hope for what we yet do not have, we wait patiently.

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose

Genesis 15:6 Abram believed the Lord, and he credited it to him as righteousness.

In James 2:23; Abraham was called a friend of God because he believed him.

I read something on a website that said ” In our waiting we can choose to doubt God’s goodness and faithfulness, or we can choose to remind ourselves of God’s promises and his character.

CATCH THIS

Daily, I remind myself God is faithful, and he will fulfill, according to his will, his plans, and his timing.

I’m suffocating. I can’t breathe at times, but God’s plan is better than mere minutes of fleshly fulfillment, so I press, I press, and I press. In order to get wine from grapes, they must first go through a crushing. I’M BEING CRUSHED, but the reward is going to be worth it.

Abraham also showed God, he loved him more, when he was willing to sacrifice Isaac, but God, how he stepped in and made a way for him to keep Isaac.

While praying about two days ago, was shown a vision, of me upon a stage with a microphone in my hand. (My prayer was simply me pouring myself out to Jesus about Jaylah, faith, love and hope.

I know its near.

The word season has been given to me twice now, and notice season is not plural but rather singular, so there for; it is one season away.

How far are you willing to go to hold to your faith.

This season, I learn, I grow, I hurt. I hurt, I hurt.

God never told me it would be easy, he told me it would be worth it. One day I’ll lay my crown down at his feet and with tear filled eyes and say, “Thank you”, until then, I press and say, ” You never gave up on me, and I won’t give up on you.”

I’m hurting.

Some peoples silence blows my mind away. Some peoples silence is to be expected, and some people I’d just rather remain silent. I’ll never paint you a flawless picture. I’m me, I’m very flawed, real, sincere and I very well trust God to roll me over this tide.

My faith is in Jesus, my faith is strong, my faith is going to move this mountain. My faith says, this world can shut me out, and it’s still going to hear me roar Jesus, over the mountain, from sea to sea, coast to coast, as loud as I can, Jesus is for me, and he will never fail me. Man fails me, but Jesus he doesn’t.

I love you all.

God is good, even in the waiting he’s preparing, and right now, he’s preparing us.

He’s got me surrounded.

I’m not a selfish person, but I tend to shut the world out, and hover close to the Lord. In distress I call out to him, and I refuse to give up on him.

This waiting will soon be over, will you be prepared to step into the position he’s moving you to, or will you focus on everything around you, instead of he who is roaring within you.

On a side note, school has begun, and I’m kicking butt, all thanks to Jesus. Initially I was very afraid of this semester, but the more I dig into it the more I realize he’s helping me, ask me again once I start microbiology and that answer may be different.

This is the season where my faith is to grow.

Normally, I plan things. Since becoming a student, I plan. I pay attention to due dates, and I know when I have to have all my papers filled out, my work hours, and how much homework I have to get done to get a free weekend (I’m human and I’ll go bonkers if I don’t get out). I work ahead, so I can slack on a weekend or entire week (just saying vacation awaits in October). Guess what, there’s a roadblock. I can’t plan ahead, I don’t know the future, and my mind is in circles, all I know is to stay at Big Sandy, and trust him to open the right door. Catch this, the nursing program is a daily class, there’s no night classes, and my job is an 8-5. My hands are in the air. Take this Jesus, you’re leading, and my hands are off it all, now my mind is a tornado in hurricane.

It’s also school season for Eli, one week in and we have cooties. Welcome to my home Rhinovirus and Pneumonia, if I had known you was coming, I would have decked his house with immunity builders, so you would have known feeding and room/board was limited, and you would have had to go find a new host.

My prayer is simple, in this season of waiting, you hold God and don’t let go. When I am weak, he is strong, and when you are weak, he is strong also. Pray about it, talk to him, rest in him. He won’t let me let Go. I’ve tried, the pain makes me cry often, silent tears, begging, pleading wanting understanding, and all get is, it’s coming soon, hold on. —-His hands are open, when you can’t hold to nothing else, hold to his, it’s like I can see him standing in the gap between the two.

I love you!!!!!!

Jesus loves you most.

Remember don’t fall, Jesus is moving. & I have peace/pain.

❤ Christie R.

Today’s date is Saturday, July 29th, 2023. It’s approximately 11:44PM, and I’m a mess.

At this moment I don’t even know how to express it, it’s all I can do to cry out to Jesus, and beg him to help, move, secure, lead the way, open doors, close doors and make a way.

The past week has left me speechless, hopeful, and tearful.

Faith, love, and hope has come in like a wrecking ball. I’ve been so strong, but to see Jesus move in an unexpected way, so unexpectedly, I’m left on cloud nine, but also rock bottom, my heart has sunk to the bottom of my chest, pumping with a flood of emotions, tears, and a million what ifs, when’s, where’s, and please Jesus sooner rather than later. There are butterflies, bumblebees, flutters and stings. The butterflies make me dance and the bees make me cry.

My promises are so close but yet so far away. I can see them lining up, but I want them now. But I can’t I have to wait on Jesus, so I cry.

Have you ever cared so much about something, but yet had to remain silent, knowing everything you said, could and possibly would be held against you? Jesus help me to breathe. I’m being patient down here, but I just need you to speed up the process a little bit. I’m growing tired, weak, weary, not knowing how you’re going to make a way, yet convincing myself and standing against all hell, saying you will make a way. Jesus, you know my heart. It hurts Lord, it hurts.

Why must I always feel like I’m split down the middle and in a thousand pieces. Yes, Lord, I know Danny deserves all of me, and I promise to do that (the best I can), but Lord, I just need a little help holding on. I thank you for showing me that doors are about to open, but I’m weak and weary, I worry that it’s going to be too late. Jesus help me to be still, when I’m all over the place.

I feel like I’m barely breathing, yet alive, being pushed to the brink of sanity, while screaming when God at the top of my lungs. I’m afraid to care, but yet some-how I do. I’m afraid to fall, yet somehow, I fell years ago. Somehow, somehow, somehow. —-

Lord, just help me breathe. — I feel like I’m coming undone.

Catch me I’m falling, drowning, fighting, swinging both arms with fist in the air, I promise I’m ok. The easiest way to express how I am feeling is to write it out.

The wait seems like it’s taking forever.

Jesus, I know you’re going to see me through it, you tell me you’re going to move soon, and I believe you. — Believing you is all I have left in me.

I’m just exhausted.

Inhale, exhale, I’m still alive, more alive than what I was three months ago. I felt your hands on my chest pump the life back into me as I was letting go. Just like the paramedics performing CPR on someone, you keep my heart pumping and persistently remind me I’m alive when I feel as though I am absent in mind yet present in body.

Thank you for not letting me let go, —

I’m praying for a miracle, while holding to the anchor of my soul.

Thank you, Jesus. I am forever grateful.

Lord, I love thee, I love thee more my Lord, I pray whoever is in a season of wait, that you give them the peace of knowing you’ve worked it out, and they just have to trust. You’re an on-time God, and you always keep your word. I pray Jesus, give me peace Lord, that surpasses all peace, yet I pray you grant me the desires of my heart, to be pleasing to you first, and then my heart’s desire second. –AMEN.

I love you,

Remember Jesus loves you most!

❤ Christie. R

I’m suffocating.

There said it. Have you waited so long to hear it? You know it already somehow.

There are ups, downs, great days, bad days, some days I just keep my mind together.

All I can do is cling to Jesus to keep myself together at times.

At times I feel like Christ is so far away, I can’t feel him, and I wonder if I even want to feel him.

The waiting is the hardest part.

I have to be at work at 8am, and I get up at 6am.

Tonight, I listen to music, to try and drown out my mind, and stop the noise of Eli’s autism fit. I’m just suffocating, I believe I bring most of this on myself. I refuse to move from this spot because I’m waiting on God. There has to be a lesson or something. Maybe I should just stop complaining and exhale.

Sometimes in the waiting, I just want to give up, but I remember, Jesus has brought me too far to give up or give in.

I’ve spent 7 years praying and watching for signs, –I’ve wasted so much of the Lord’s time, I wonder how he could even still use me.

Do you feel Jesus with me? When I type, and talk directly to you, do you feel him?

Enjoy this play list.–

This last song got me, I plan to download it to iTunes and listen on repeat.

Hold on just a little longer. — I know its going to be ok. (even though right now, I’m struggling to hold on) I’ve held on to these promises for so long, and I’m at the end of my rope. I feel like it has a noose around my neck and its suffocating me. I’m holding on as tight as I can. The only reason I can’t let go is because of Jesus, and the only reason I can’t let go of Jesus is because he died for me, the promises remind to keep going. I’ll be honest, at times I question letting go of him, — but I refuse.

I’m just broken.

❤ Christie

Morning noon and night my mind wonders how long I’ll have to wait.

I remind myself his timing is not my timing, nor his thoughts my thoughts, for his ways are so much higher than mine and his timing is perfect.

Are you waiting?

As I wait in silence, I cling to his promises. When I am shaken and feeling hopeless I cling to his promises. When distraction comes nigh I cling to his promises and remember that he won’t lie to me and he’s close to me. I cling to his promises as I battle my flesh and as I battle my mind. I cling to his promises and remind myself God is nigh, he’ll sustain me and see me through this. I cling to his promises and pray often.

I may appear silent, but if you read my blogs you’ll see I’ve been talking the whole time, maybe not one on one, but my words and expressions have been laid before you. My fears, my anxiety and my struggles. I’ve been open, and closed at the same time. I’ve been clinging to Jesus all while clinging to faith, love, hope, spero and every little sign I see. I’ve been there in your darkness as I feel it closing in on you, and I’ve prayed when I can’t even pray for myself.

Sometimes I feel lost. I’m in another valley, almost like a valley of affliction. First I had my surgery, then I faced saying no to addiction, and now I am sick. It’s like it’s bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. I catch a break long enough to catch a breath.

I told Jesus yesterday that if he’s make the pain bearable in my ear, I’d not touch anymore pain meds, that’s when I heard him whisper, “I cried unto the Lord, and he sustained me” —- now I’ll confess, at times I’m a dictionary freak. I like to know and understand the exact meaning of words so I am able to understand what Jesus is saying. When I googled the meaning of sustain it read: strengthen or support physically or mentally.

Right now, I’m weak in body. In spirit I’m up and down, once again I am reminded when I am weak he is made strong. Pushing and pursing these promises helps me to stay strong and focused in him. Although, the timing drives me bonkers, letting go and letting God have it, is the best thing, because if I hadn’t I would have messed up gods plan for me.

I write this morning, I have a yearning in my heart, I have a brokenness in my spirit, I have a open space that only God and those promises can fulfill. I remember the message I received prior to my surgery, I remember it daily, I remember. I remember everything. But I remind myself I have to put Jesus first, keep him first, and not allow my flesh to pull me into sinful nature, it is when we are drawn away according to our lust that we sin. I have a burning in my heart for all such things, but I have a burning in my heart for gods will, timing and purpose.

He has a purpose for my pain.

He has a purpose for your pain.

He has a purpose for the waiting.

I refuse to waiver; I know it’s near. I refuse to let go, I know it’s near. I know it’s closer than before, and I know I’ve preached this for over a year, everyday that goes by, I’m one step closer, while clinging to Jesus.

I just feel so I don’t know how to explain, I’m still here.

🦋🐞🦉

Remember I love you, and Jesus loves you most. If I can give you any advice, let him love you, right now that’s all I can do. In my brokenness, I realize I am made whole because of his love, he’s fixing my vessel, and will fill it with the perfect flowers. I could almost cry. Right now again I tell you and myself he is enough.. I remind myself, he’s all I need, he sustains and he cares how I feel on the inside.

🦋🐞🦉

❤️⚓️Christie

THE ANCHOR HOLDS IN SPITE OF THE STORM

My sails may be tattered, in cases like these I remember he molds me, holds me, and desires for me to be in his image. —- I must be teachable, by the potter and keep on going… oh how I can see my captain with his hand to his head, giving me a salute, as I march on. The good shepherd gave his life for me, and I’m marching on like the warrior you first called me!

Let’s try this again

Take 2🎬

❤️⚓️Christie

Where do I begin with this one?

I feel like my mind has wandered around writing for several days. It was yesterday (7/10/23) I was given the title; after pondering around with each piece of detail, I felt as though I was ready to write late last night, however I chose to put it off until morning.

Here Goes!

For Starters, I’m now eleven days post-op.

My surgery and recovery road has been an event to say the least.

Like a rollercoaster ride I’ve had my ups and downs.

One minute I’m pain-free, and the next minute I’m in severe pain, like I’ve never experienced before. There’s been a few days, I’ve been so stubborn and refused to take my pain meds more than once a day, in case I needed them the next day. I’d go to sleep with pain worse than the initial wake up from the procedure. There’s been some mornings I’ve barely been hurting and taken my medication as a precaution just in case the pain did try to arise and there’s been them in between moments where if I could just keep my mind focused and stay busy that I’d not think nor feel the pain I was in, only to set down and get overwhelmed by what I already knew was there.

I’ve been out of work since 6/28/23. As of now I plan to go back on this Thursday, or next week’s Monday.

Welcome to my whirlwind.

With the amount of pain, I was in, I suspected something was up and decided to call the doctor. On Friday, I was advised to come to their ER (3hours away). The trip was too much, I asked if I could just come for an office visit on Monday, 7/10/23, with the approval I pushed through the weekend the best I could. A circle of chaos formed inside my mind, with so many what could be happening’s going through my head, and what am I feeling inside my ear, misery sought company. Everything was coming in and nothing was going out. I held it in. I kept it to myself. I bottled it up.

Where is Jesus? I promised, I’d follow him through this. I promised, I’d get closer. Wait a minute, I stopped following him the day I left the hospital, and it seems like I’m being dragged with pain, along with the rest of life’s distress. Jesus, I promise I’m here, I’m just clinging to your garment as you walk by, strolling along, and I feel like I’m entangled into you, and I refuse to give up or give in. I’ve always heard if I could just touch the hem of your garment, I’d be made whole, never did I imagine you’d let down the hem of your garment so far, for me to wrap myself in it during life’s toughest battle. Thank you!!

Let’s touch a little on the last week. —

On top of the pain, this has been my story.

Are you ready to go deeper with me?

My mind touched every scenario with my ear. – you know this, even the part where what if there is a blood clot, and he cleans it, it pops open, and I bleed out in front of my mom and Eli. —I told you, it’s been chaotic. The ups and downs of a rollercoaster followed by the turbulence of an airplane during a storm.

I’ve been at my sister’s house since night of my surgery. She’s taken care of me, and well I’ve just not felt like going home, I’ll be doing that tomorrow or Thursday. I kind of just don’t feel like going back there, but I will because I’m not a coward, and Jesus has taught me to war with him instead of in my flesh.

I’m depressed, but I’m not forsaken. I feel like there are things I’d like to vent about but cannot find the words to say or maybe its not the place. I hear time, time, time in my mind, so maybe its not the time.

I’m dealing with a lot.

I get to share my story of overcoming addiction on 7/17/23. I’ve not even began to type that up yet.

My marriage. I’m fighting for it. —These are the details I feel like I must leave out. He’s not crappy. He’s a former me. I feel in my heart, I must leave it at that. I’m not out to down-grade anyone. But I do feel like I must fight, and I feel as though I must properly use the word of God as my sword in this battle. I feel like now is the time I press into God’s spirit, and allow the Holy Ghost to take over, lead, guide, and even correct me when I am wrong. It is the anointing that destroys the yoke and sets the captives free. I can’t lead my lost husband to salvation, if I’m being led by my flesh, and allowing my emotions to override what Jesus is telling me to do. I’m learning its ok for me to feel the emotions, but I must fully exercise self-control over my emotions, especially when they’ll hinder the work of the Lord. It’s not becoming a brick wall, its less of me (my flesh, my former ways) and more of him, and his holy ways. Jesus tells me be ye holy for I am holy. Jesus doesn’t expect me to be perfect, but he does expect me to be teachable by him (Jesus). I have to be willing to take his word and apply it to myself in general. As for my husband, God will lead him in, I just have to be patient. Again, he literally just reminded me “Vengeance is mine saith the Lord, I will repay,” and “be ye angry, and sin not”. He’s telling me he’ll fight for me, to feel what I am feeling but don’t act up it, to only be still. –Ugh, how do you be still when… deep breath, Jesus. do your thing.

School is still giving me the run around about my paperwork on my SAP appeal, knowing I met every stipulation. I checked again today, and they informed me that mine would roll over, that they just hadn’t gotten around to the next semesters paperwork. Class starts in less about a month, this whole patience thing is hard, when you feel like you need to get every dot connected.

I bought a dog, “Maggie”. A German Shepherd/shredder/shedder. She will become mine and Eli’s service dog, ears for me and autism aid for Eli. — Bed buddy to the both of us. She’s going to be furiously cute.

I just need rest, but with the gazillion things to do, while mentally my mind is always processing something, whether its bills that has to be paid, appointments, or just wondering what underground pictures of lost ruins look like, it’s always processing something. I’m a rare form. Unless I’m sleeping, I’m pinging in something. Life just has me at that point.

Now, don’t get me wrong. My life is pretty awesome.

I have Jesus. I have family, I have Eli, and my pain is slowly beginning to talk to me again.

It’s just them days.

Now, let me tell you about my Jesus.

Yesterday, my mom, me and Eli made the 3-hour trip back to Lexington to have my ear looked at. While on the way, I broke down and told my sister and mom everything that my mind was going around, and just let it out. They know me well enough to know I wasn’t being my normal chatty, loving, blabber mouth self, I was just ugh. You feel me. After, getting all the dreadful what ifs off my chest, and saying I’m sorry for being a brat, I felt a relief come in.

Jesus began to use my big sister Belinda to comfort me with the story of the three Hebrew boys, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. He used her to remind me to not be shaken. He used her to remind me how the faith of these three Hebrew boys was tested, and how their dignity with the Lord was put to the test, even if it cost them their very lives. These boys were courageous, bold, and they were warriors for the Lord, when placed on the spot, as to whether they would bow or not, they replied, that they weren’t careful to answer, that God was able but, even if didn’t they still wouldn’t bow. Talk about a moment. Can you imagine being thrown in a furnace because you refuse to worship anything but the Lord? Think about this as a trial, the fear was there, it had to be there for the Hebrew boys, but still they chose courage and they chose to trust in the Lord and allow him to have his way despite what was in front of them, even if it cost them their life! Can you imagine having to take such a stand. With a whole crowd watching you, can you imagine the intensity of the moment, the fear, the hot headedness of the king? Can you imagine how furious Nebuchadnezzar II, must have been? It’s like a slap to the face, and off into the furnace they went. The furnace was so hot it killed the soldiers that opened the door to place them inside, and once they were placed inside that heat, — Jesus was there. Jesus used the very event that was supposed to kill and destroy the three Hebrew boys, and he got the glory.

This has been my life in a nutshell in the past weeks. I chose to go into the surgery with Jesus, I didn’t like the circumstance, but I went in anyways. I didn’t allow myself to bow, and it’s like the furnace in front of me got even hotter. Thank Goodness for sisters, who are mature in the Lord, and bold enough to tell me, stand, keep standing, for this is what Jesus has told me concerning you, God has you!! — My sister; a God sent. Jesus used her to remind me, it’s just the refining pot. I’m not going to be burned, and there’s another in the fire with me, its him, and he is with me. He was with me at that very moment in time, and as I write this, I know he’s with me now, and he’ll be with me tomorrow.

Any who, when in Lexington, we all like to stop at Sam’s club. I’m not sure if you are familiar with it, but it’s like Walmart, but you have to have a membership to get into the store, and you can buy in bulk, with exceptionally well prices, the only thing is, you don’t have bags, and there is a person at the doors that scans your receipts and looks for certain items in your cart and sometimes counts the amount of merchandise to see that it matches the amount your receipt says. I do my thing in the store, joking and cutting up with Eli, breathing because I know Jesus has me and I know I’m going to be ok. I check out, grab me and Eli a fountain Soda, and head towards the door.

The young lady at the door, looked retro modern rock, / punk. Sporting a Kiss shirt, with shaved sideburns, true to herself, beautiful in every way. —

The name on her badge:

Lily

I take a second look at her badge– it’s no coincidence, that’s when Jesus showed up again. —

I left the store thanking, and praising Jesus.

I may be down, but I am not forgotten. Jesus is ever comforting in my situation.

I went to the doctor directly after leaving Sam’s.

Long story short, my ear is healing. It looks good on the inside, there are no signs of infection. The doctor removed the steri-stips. With no warning, he just yanked them off, my reaction was priceless. Mom said she wished she could have gotten it on camera. He told me if he had warned me, I probably wouldn’t let him do it. All my stitches are almost dissolved. The numbness at the top of my ear, may or may not go away over time. I have this squishy feeling / sound on the inside of my ear. It sounds like a bunch of liquid moving around. I figured my doctor would remove any packing that was inside my ear to see what was behind it, however I found out, everything would dissolve on its own, and to keep my fingers out of it. So, no scratching my itchy ear! I was prescribed antibiotic drops and advised to finish all antibiotics my family doctor placed me on over the weekend. I was given more pain meds, but for whatever reason I am still hurting. I’m just in pain. Today, it’s not severe, but yesterday and the days prior I was hurting bad. God is in this story and he’s making me whole again, and I think it’s in more ways than one.

As I bring this blog to a close today, I want you to know, God is also in your story, you may not see him, feel him, or even know how to reach him again. You may feel like it’s been so long since you have talked to him personally about yourself, or you may even feel like what is the use, it won’t change the circumstances, and you may just be in this blah state of mind, however you are, it’s ok. It’s perfectly ok to feel how you are feeling, again let me point out, feel it, but please don’t allow it to separate you from Jesus, he only wants to heal you.

Getting close to Jesus is going to make you stronger, and letting him back in, will make that darkness turn to light.

I can see myself twirling in a field, with butterflies flying, birds chirping and me holding my dress, and I smile from ear to ear. I see light, I feel light. I’m reminded God is near, and he’s going to see me through this. — He is going to see you through you also. Hold on victory is coming.

I see a hand reached out, its not mine, its his, will you take it?

I love you, Jesus loves you most!

email me: christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

❤ Christie

The title itself says it all.

I still believe in Jesus.

I still believe in his goodness.

I still believe in the faithfulness of God.

I still believe in his promises.

I still believe.

Although I war in my flesh; and often at times the answers seem so far away; I know my God is near and he is who he says he is. He’s loyal, caring and he knows the hurt in one’s heart.

He never meant for our lives to be simple and he never meant for our lives to hurt; but he did intend for us to lean on him for every aspect; including but not limited to the questions, trials, misfortunes and good times.

Think about it; it’s easy to praise Jesus when we are on top of a mountain; blah blah blah, I’m sure you’ve heard that one before; but what about when you’re at the lowest of low? Can you find it within yourself to say “Jesus you’re still good? Can you say God I still love you?” Again, it’s probably easy for me to preach it considering I’ve never lived through your exact circumstances. I may not have lived you’re exact pain, trauma or life in general but to a certain degree I know and understand.

I still dream of my stepdad; and I still feel creepy feelings around certain people; some is discernment, some is PTSD. I have bad dreams, probably not a bad as yours, and I fear losing Eli because I feel as though I’ve lost so much with losing my pride and pain.

I pray for you, sometimes more than I pray for anyone else I pray for you. I pray that you give your heart back to Jesus and let him come in and mend the pain; I pray that he holds you when you can’t seem to find comfort or peace. I pray he lets you know all is well and he doesn’t mean for you to stay in the darkness. I pray he gives you the strength to walk out of the darkness into his glorious light; I pray he gives you the strength to still believe when everything seems so far away.

It’s hard at times; to be silently loud, yet softly spoken. It’s hard to believe when there is doubt on every corner, but when believing is all you have, why stop now. I believe things are going to turn around real soon. I have faith, love and hope and most importantly I have Jesus.

The impact that this journey has had on my faith is one I never expected; through the wind and rain and turmoil I still believe. Through the absence of social media and non-replying emails; I’m still believing. Through it all, I still believe.

My hearts desire is to grow deeper and more passionate about the cross during this time, and I pray you make your way back to him. It wasn’t his fault and you / we can’t believe every voice we hear in our heads. I struggle with this. Sometimes I hear things I know just aren’t Jesus. Try the spirit, if it doesn’t line up with Gods word, rebuke it. Hold to Jesus, remember Elijah found him in that still small voice. I’m praying for you to hear his voice; I know you feel him knock; even though you’re so numb I could literally pinch you and you’d probably not feel it. Pain changes people; trauma changes people, but it’s not supposed to make us hate Jesus. It’s supposed to make us lean closer on Jesus.

Oh; and a side note. I’m 5 / soon to be 6 days post opt. I finally took a shower and washed my head. eeeeww stinky; not really stinky. I stayed clean, I just didn’t feel like getting myself in the shower. My ear has stopped draining from the inside, the protective cover on the steri strips has came off; and I wasn’t in as much pain yesterday as I was today. I wonder if I am hurting is because I cleaned it. It’s hard telling. Im averaging taking pain meds 2-3 times daily with hopes that will be stopped by Friday. I go back to the doctor on 7/31/23. To my knowledge it will take up to 8 weeks before I’ll be released to ride roller coasters, or thrill rides. Hopefully for my bday I can let loose and go a little crazy.

Jesus dropped a blessing on me yesterday; I’d like to share it before I close.

My pain reached out to me. He told me he loved me and he was sorry for how he treated me & explained he just needed some space and didn’t know how to do it & a bonus he told me happy late Mother’s Day.

Even when I don’t see him moving; he never stops moving! You just have to believe.

I pray I’ve said something to help you!

Remember: I STILL BELIEVE

I love you and Jesus loves you most. He wants you to turn to him; with everything; and watch him turn your mourning to dancing!

Email me.

Christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

❤️Christie

Happy Sunday everyone!

Let’s go to church!

Psalm 122:1  I was glad when they said unto me, Let us go into the house of the Lord.

I’ll keep this one short and simple, I just wanted to update everyone. At this moment, I’m not going to call it being obedient to Jesus, because a part of me just wanted to write and update, —

Still no victory to the enemy

Hahaha!

I always pray and ask Jesus to have his way in these blogs, however I myself wanted to write last night and this morning too, but no pun intended, I’m a Jesus freak, so you know there’s going to be a message or something from him in here. —

I’m a little over 36 hours post operation.

My first night was a little rough, and yesterday I struggled. My throat felt a little scratchy and filled with phlegm where they had me intubated during surgery. I felt like my body just needed rest. For those of you that know me, knows, I go constantly. Even when I can rest, I don’t, & quite frankly, I should have made myself rest, I just couldn’t. I blame my inability to rest on the big bandage on my head as part of the reason and the other part was just me being stubborn. Thankfully about 7:30PM, I was able to remove the bandage that was wrapped around my head and relieve the pressure.

&, Danny brought my pea pie, Eli to me at Moms house. — squishy munchkin love.

I was so happy to see them both, as they both appeared to be happy to see me too.

With Eli saying, “You’re the best mommy ever”; and Danny voicing his concerns about me over taking my pain meds, I felt happy, just in pain. I will admit, I fully understand Danny’s concerns about me getting back on medication. I was a hell raiser, and hellcat for so many years, warring with him in his own home with multiple men, and I down right disgraced his name. I didn’t deserve to make it out of that life alone, much less my marriage be spared. But all things come to those who wait. —

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” – Psalm 27:14

After removing the bandage from my head, I spent the remainder of the evening at my big sister’s house, where I will be staying probably until after the 4th of July, on a bonus note, Eli is now with me.

There’s something about having him near to me that keeps me in peace, even if I did feel on guard about my left ear, maybe that was just normal with the trauma. He done so good, giving me multiple momma / baby sugars, and asking me mommy do you love me, how much do you love me.

His little personality lights up my room. He loves Jesus. My baby longs for Jesus. He wants to know about him and experience him. One of his favorite movies is the Passion of the Christ, and I have a feeling that he will be a cross collector like me. Hence, he got me in the bible store about a week ago, and hand picked out his first one (normally it’s toys, but that day, it was look; Mommy, there’s a cross, it has Jesus on it, can I have it?) I was not about to tell him no. It’s my heart’s desire to see him grow in all manner the way Jesus would have him to grow, and to be used of the Kingdom at whatever age Jesus sees fit to use him. Even babies praise Jesus. Now, he’s spunky too, one of his favorite past times is pestering TT, my youngest sister. He says he loves everyone but her as he has this cheesing grin on his face that lights up a room. She’ll tell him not to be saying something over and over again, and under his breath, he’ll whisper it, while cheesing from Kentucky to Mexico. He offer’s her money and then takes it back. He’s a little rotten boy who loves his aunt BB and TT. His meanness doesn’t phase T, he goes to her and gives her hugs and tells her he loves her at the end of the night. He’s just her pester box, and she’s his. She watched him come into the world, after seeing me labor 27plus hours, days I will never forget.

Matthew 21:16- And said unto him, Hearest thou what these say? And Jesus saith unto them, Yea; have ye never read, Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings thou hast perfected praise?

If he wants to praise Jesus, I’m going to encourage it, and while I’m at it, I’ll be as blunt as possible, I deter him from anything that goes against Gods word, such as boys kissing, or children dressing up as the opposite sex. Not to say I don’t allow him to be a child, but I do make sure he knows the truth, and it’s my responsibility as a Woman, Holy Ghost filled Child of God to make sure he is kept on the right track.

I do fail often, but Lord, please don’t let me fail with Eli.

— Back to my update—

At this moment, I am unable to open my jaw too far, I am assuming that is normal. I finally ate good last night. I no longer have to wear the bandage on my head; however, it is optional at night if I chose to. I’ll be honest, I am not going to put that thing back on me, it hurt. I am now allowed to wash my hair and clean the back of my ear with a Q-tip and hydrogen peroxide- but personally I’m not ready to touch it. I have a mixture of clear/bloody drainage from the inside of my left ear. The drainage is normal and could last for up to a week. My ear is beginning to itch, so healing is setting in. I have no facial nerve damage, praise Jesus, because I love to smile, and I anticipate my pain level to go down over the next several days. God is so good!

After getting my boy back with me, we spent the night lounging, watching Long Lost Family. While watching the show, I thought of my oldest kids, my pride and my pain. — Bittersweet. Thank goodness for Eli.

My family have gone out of the way to bend over and take care of me. Dad, Mom, my sisters, and church family have all been concerned with my healing, and how I am doing. My close inner circle has gotten so much tighter, I knew they said they’d be there for me, but let me brag a little, Jesus has used them to show me again, what family really is.

Mom took me to surgery, (again, she’s the mom she never had to be, they literally took me under their wing, about 2 years ago). She calls me her own, and even joked if I was whiney after surgery, she was going to tell the hospital she didn’t like whiney children to put me back to sleep. I love her so.

Dad, checked on me, making sure I took my medicine, so I wouldn’t be in pain.

My sisters are going above and beyond making sure my clothes are washed, and making sure that I am not bending over far, or lifting anything heavy, because of the pressure on my ear. My niece has joined right in and she’s helping too. They’re keeping Facebook updated and standing arm to arm with me during this recovery process.

I never thought my surgery would be such a big deal to anyone, except me, but Jesus showed me otherwise.

These people really love me, and I love them.

Here comes Jesus, and there he goes tearing down my walls again, like the walls of Jericho, they’re down, but let me tell you what a mighty fortress I have around my loved ones. I love them so much, I’d do anything for them, including lay my life down, and I have never loved like this since Daddy. — Jesus is on to something.

He’s turning my brokenness into completion, and he’s making beauty from ashes.

I wanted to write, and just let everyone know how I was a doing. It was on my heart to keep you in the loop. I feel obligated and led to let you know God is on your side, even if you feel like he’s not, or if you still feel forgotten.

I’ve said it before you’ll probably hate me by the time all this is done, but its urgent that you get back to Jesus and let him fulfill his plan. I can’t make you or force you to, but rather I can tell you he has big plans for you, and he wants to lead you out of that darkness. He wants to show you his love, even though you feel like he cost you all the love you had in your heart, even down to the details you don’t tell anyone, & its ok to feel that way, but please don’t keep shunning him out.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” 

He’s got big plans for you.

Some of my next blogs maybe shorter, and to the point.

The message of how much Jesus loves you, and how much he adores you is what keeps playing in my head. — You’re going to know it, and have it flooding through your bones one day, and you’ll realize his plan is perfect.

Until then, remember I’m still here,

And you should start writing more.

I love you all, and Jesus loves you most!

❤ Christie

I am Ok.

I am doing good, and I have God on my side.

I’d like to fill you in on all the details, but I will only write what the Lord wills me to write, again I refuse to lead myself, and I always pray prior to writing. Lord lead, me to do thy will, and to hear what the spirit has to say. I always pray, he takes over and leads me.

Today, was eventful. —

I left home about 8:30AM arriving at my mom’s house around 8:45AM and leaving for Lexington about 9:10AM. My arrival time was set for 12:00PM, with surgery scheduled to being at 2pm, however while stopping and getting gas, the hospital called and said they were able to get me in sooner. I proceeded to tell them, I live about three hours away and 12:00PM was the best I could do. With that being said, the Journey began.

The trip down to the hospital was topsy turvy. I had a presence of peace on me that surpassed all peace. I had God’s presence with me, Jesus himself was in my midst. I could feel him. I was nervous to say the least, but I still had peace.

You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You. Isaiah 26:3

Here comes the topsy part; one minute I was up, the next minute I was down. One minute I knew Jesus had me, the next minute I knew he still had me, but I was worried about all the wrongs I had done in my past that went against his word. I know people mess up daily, but I am also aware (not to be a know it all) (again I type how he gives it) How a tree falls so shall it rise. If we fall in sin, or without JESUS in our hearts, we will go hell. Even Christians can go to hell, why because they take wrong turns and get entangled on the wrong path, following the world, and deterring away from the ways of the Lord. When he says to not do something he means it. — This part, I’ll eat myself, (I always preach to myself and reread these blogs, so I eat them myself before posting for anyone else) Which brings me to this part, That do not fear and unbelieving part in the bible refers to me. I fought fear to hell and back today. The nerves were normal, but the fear, I rebuke that in the name of Jesus, and today, I prayed my way through it, while freaking out in the process.

But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death (Revelations 21:8)

I’ll elaborate further.

When I got to the hospital, the turvy came.

While registering in the surgery waiting area, upstairs called to make sure I was arriving, boy was they waiting and ready for me. Jesus please slow time down, I’m not ready, but you are, and they are. I know you are going to heal me through this, but I’m not ready, nevertheless, not my will but thy will.

Arm band on, time to go upstairs to pre-opt. I can’t breathe, I do not want this, Jesus why.

Inside the pre-op room, the process started moving fast. They began asking me a hundred required precautionary questions. Are you allergic to this med or that med? Are you pregnant? When was the last time you ate, and have you ever had any issues with anesthesia?

And my mouth begins to open! (You can roll your eyes)

I told the anesthesiologist that I didn’t want his drugs and I asked them if they could gas me like a turkey? I was crying, fearful, and pouting, and I asked my mom to have the surgery for me. I further told my mom that if it wasn’t for her bringing me, I would have bailed out of it. I still felt Jesus telling me to let him have his way, but I made sure those doctors felt me and my concerns as well as my fears, tears, and country holler fed mouth. They asked me what I was so scared of, and I told them, your drugs; I do not want them, and I’m scared they’ll stop me from breathing and I am scared I won’t see my son again. I just wanted to see Eli’s face. FYI, the anesthesiologist informed me, that they’d stop my breathing in the back and take over breathing for me. Mentally, I was thinking excuse me, buddy here I am freaking out and you’re telling me you’re going to stop my breathing, way to go buddy. Later I found out, my mom was beside me shaking her head, like shut up, don’t tell her that, but verbally she kept her words to herself, I’m thinking I was blabbing enough. The doctor himself came in and asked what I was so scared of, and I explained those drugs, and he proceeded to tell me, I had gone through rougher surgeries in my past under Dr, Jones, gosh, love his personality too, he told me I could not tell him how to do his job. – yes, I rolled my eyes, these doctors pretty much told me to suck it up, they couldn’t force me to do it, but it needed to be done. I’m pretty sure I told them, I’m just worried, I’d get over it. while grumbling the whole time, crying my eyes out. They walked out, and was ready to take me back, I’m like no wait a minute! I need to talk to my husband and kid. (Eli was asleep when I left and I hadn’t saw his pretty face yet, and I told Danny I’d call him back, and I hadn’t never let him know I was at the hospital). First, I got my friend Jessica to call me, (she’s special, the Lord used her to lead me to him, and she’s my helper in Jesus, while I am your witness, she is my helper- I don’t know what the difference is, but it is what it is). She called and I told her I’m scared I won’t wake up, I gave her the spill I gave the doctors, her prayer was soothing, but little ole me was still frantic, next I called Danny, I could see the nurses walking back and forth like hurry up, while acting as patient as can be with me. Seeing Eli lit up my eyes, my precious boy, who loves me more than the sky is blue, I just don’t want to leave you alone without a mom, God he’s already loss so much with losing his brother and sister (please bring them back soon—> I’m rambling) just hearing him talk to me made me cry some more, I told him I’d be ok and that I had Jesus on myside. Saying and believing are two different things but today, I and every day from here on out I refuse to believe anything less than what Jesus says to me, I am his child, and he is for me. OH, and Danny too I knew he was worried for me, and he loves, and I’ve fought too long for his soul to stop fighting now. The war has only begun. I knew it was time to get off the phone and get the show on the road. I motioned for the nurse, and the little man with the fuddy duddy drugs, it was show time!

Fear lets fight!

Rock and roll,

Jesus holds my life in his hands, and I surrender to him, not to you!

I’ll never bow to you, and I’ll forever bow before Jesus. He is for me, not against me, and he has my back, even in the fire, floods, rain, wind and hailstorms, he has me. —

Praying while the meds go in, this stuff isn’t phasing me. –maybe a little, but not like I expected it to, and no anaphylaxis, take that devil! (Spit in face like a boxer) You can’t cross the bloodline.

They push me out, I see an exit, and tell them, you can just take me to my car if you want. – I got to pee. Can I go pee? That didn’t work, they gracefully informed me it was my nerves, that I had just peed right before that.

OPERATING ROOM.

I scooted over to the operating table and started to pray. I prayed and prayed and prayed and talked to Jesus. That’s when I first saw it. AN IRON CLAD GATE. it had two large gates that were to open in the middle, the color was brass and there was a round handle on each gate used for knocking. (Think fancy mid-evil period; or hell’s gate) behind the gates I saw red like flames but not actually flames, you could tell there was flame lit lighting and it was as if when you opened the gates it would be directly behind the entrance, laying on the ground, leading to a burning bottomless pit that leads to a fire filled abyss. A place no one wants to go.

I continue to pray and press on; I can’t turn back. Please Jesus I want to see my family again, I promised you I’d do everything I can do to please you, and I’ll press in, I’ll read, pray and fast (not advertising when I fast, I do not believe in boasting of fasting, it is done in secret before Jesus, and he will reward openly). I’ll speak what you would have me to speak and go where you would have me to go. Lord I’m praying for a double portion of Elijah’s anointing, and I’ll press in to get it.

But why the gate?

I continue to pray, the nurse tried to mask me, but I couldn’t breath or pray with that thing on my face, I could tell she was doing this eye talk with the anesthesia guy, I felt the knockout juice flow in, and I still pressed to pray. I prayed and prayed and prayed, assuming she turned on some gas, she asked me to take some deep breaths, and I was out. — I kept his name on my lips as I took my last breath, and they restarted it.

Recovery–

They began to wake me up on the way back to the room shortly after the surgery was over. While they were wheeling my bed to the recovery room, I started rubbing my eyes, and telling them I needed to pee. They told me not to rub my eyes, and I insisted on rubbing them, again they told me not to do it, I was like you do it then, they’re itchy. (Turns out not being allowed to rub my eyes directly after surgery was to prevent a getting a possible cornea abrasion, which sometimes occurs after surgery because the eye muscles aren’t back functioning properly) Still, they were itchy, and I was bratty. And I was telling them to get my Mommy! I’m pretty sure they doctors got a kick out of me, being as old as I am, and as whiney as I was. I had to pee, and I made that clear, they offered to let me walk, but I wasn’t ready to do that, but I needed to go, they got some wand thing, what on earth was that. I’m not wetting the bed, get me a bedpan. I’m a feisty one LOL.

I requested something for pain, and I requested meds to take home.

Mommy came back to my recovery room. I was back to myself quicker than normal. Another prayer was answered!! I was only in recovery about 45 minutes to an hour. –I called Eli, and started posting updates in messenger. I made a vow to Jesus this morning, and awhile back that I’d write. I’d write through my blogs. I’d write whatever he gave me, and nothing more or anything less.

Turns out, they ended up removing a cholesterol granuloma, which is a rare, benign (noncancerous) cyst that can occur at the tip of the petrous apex, a part of the skull that is next to the middle ear. Cholesterol granulomas are expanding masses that contain fluids, lipids, and cholesterol crystals, surrounded by a fibrous lining, if left untreated, it can eventually cause hearing loss, facial numbness, bone depletion and severe headaches.

I’ll be staying with my sisters tonight, tomorrow night, and maybe Sunday night, while I have to take the pain meds. I won’t over do them, but I would also rather be here during the first few days of my recovery. —

I’m so thankful for everyone that has reached out to me and checked on me. To the ones who let me know they’re there, and they care. I’m so thankful. My heart is at peace, and I promise to be a better vessel not only for Jesus but for you all, if my light is dim, how am I really leading you? It’s the same as trickery or living a lie and that’s not me.

—-

Let’s backtrack a little bit,

While we all fall short of the glory of God, Children of God are on deadly ground when they choose to deny Christ and play with sin. Have you ever heard if you play with fire, you will get burned? Well, if I / you choose to walk away from the light, more so me, and to walk into the fire I would have found myself burning in a devil’s hell. — I love Jesus more than I love myself, but I was falling away. Hence, he lead me away, he protected me then like he protected me today during surgery.

I’m still here, waiting patiently for Jesus to fulfill his promise. I’ve only left it in his hands and removed it from my own. I laid it down at the altar, and said “Jesus, not my will but your will.”

One thing I’m realizing is, we can wreck God’s plans by taking them into our own hands and rushing things; think Issac and Ismael, — Sarah, told Abraham to go into Hagar, even though God had clearly said she would bear a child herself.

so she said to Abram, “The LORD has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my slave; perhaps I can build a family through her.” Abram agreed to what Sarai said. (Genesis 16:2)

I don’t want to wreck God’s plans when I know he is faithful, and he won’t lie. When God fulfills his promise there won’t be sin in it. Why because God hates sin. Not saying he hates you, but the very acts and deeds that separate us from him, are not pleasing in his eyes. I cannot live in the moment, because I know he controls my moments, and he’s the keeper of my breath. He tells me, to follow him, and he’ll give me the desires of my heart. — The part that says follow also means do not take detours, to get to it faster than he has planned, why because it messes things up.

I encourage everyone, who is reading this, or who will read this to get closer to Jesus, let him prepare your heart to receive his promises he’s made to you, and don’t be deceived, take Jesus for his word, and his word alone.

Oh, and as for the iron clad gate, — I’m going knocking on it, and your soul is one of the ones I’m fighting for!

I pray I have said something to help you.

& Thank you again to all who messaged me–

Faith, love and hope, the greatest of these is love! (Corinthians 13:13)

Spero- As long as I breath, I hope.

He told me witness, nothing more, nothing less, but I pray often Lord, let me be your witness. —-

email me,-

christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

❤ Christie.

(I saw this beauty on Thursday, while having a moment, Jesus never fails to amaze me)

Round two!

Rodeo!

Deep breath!

Let’s go!

For starters, where do I begin? I’m not sure exactly how long it’s been since I have written, but the title of this one I have known since 6/11/23.

Before beginning, I’m going to pray! Not just out loud, in mind, but also written in blog. It’s something I feel led to do. — I’d rather go with the approach and direction of Jesus, than to try and do anything on my own. – Of myself I can do nothing, but with him I can do all things! (Philippians 4:13 reference)

Dear Father God in the name of The Lord Jesus Christ,

Father as I come before you, I pray almighty God for forgiveness of sins. I pray God that you would lighten my eyes to who you are, and how you are moving in my life, even when I can’t see the whole picture yet to be completed, let me see you work in the little things. Open my spiritual eyes to discernment, and my heart to you, your word and your spirit. Jesus take the lead in my life. Everything that I have is because of you, and everything that I am is because of you. My past, my future, my present, you know it all, and you see it all. Despite all my failures, setbacks, flaws, you still love me, and you relentlessly pursue me, even when I try to run, you run faster to my heart, shielding it from the unknown, and shielding it from hell. God, I pray use me more, I pray you use me boldly, and I pray you use me to build up your kingdom. I pray Jesus that you remove those that don’t need to be in my life, and those that do need to be in my life, I pray you open the door so they can walk thought. I know your timing is not my timing, so please my Lord, help me to be patient, while I wait, and help me to know that even though the whole puzzle isn’t together, you are a promise keeper, you cannot lie. Everything you said you would do, you are still going to do it, and everything you said you would fulfill, you are working to do so. You are not slack doing it. Blessed are those who believe and have not saw (John 20:29), help us to realize God, that all things work together for the good of those who are called according to your purpose (Romans 8:28); even the bad unexplainable, that too works for your glory. God save us from our sins and set us on that straight and narrow path. In Jesus name I pray. AMEN.

Now, here goes.

For those of you that follow my blogs, you know my story. I’m a recovered addict, who has been set free from the chains of addiction for almost seven years. I’ve suffered a lot over the years, but looking back through spiritual eyes, I see God’s hands all over it, even on the bad stuff, that isn’t God’s fault. (I know what you’re thinking, God can prevent things from happening) listen, not everything is God’s fault; but he will get the glory if you allow him to, he’ll take the bad and turn it for good. — Back to my story. God is good even if times aren’t.

Since recovering, Jesus has led me back to school, first was to be a CNA, (completion date 10/2021) and this time it’s to become a registered nurse. – I finished my first two semesters of general education courses with 3.5 or better: praise Jesus.

Onward.

As semester two came to an end, I knew I still had to push to get into the nursing program. I’m on a time limit, one can only take so many pre-requisites, and I’ve completed them all with the exception of micro-medical & that’s optional in or out of the nursing program, I plan to tackle it next semester: beginning this fall. —

Marching farther.

In order to get into the nursing program, I also have to take the ACT, and TEAS exam. I knew I needed to take at least one of these exams during my summer break, and the other one during my upcoming semester; I’m pushing to be in the nursing program in the Spring of 2024; and graduating in the fall/winter 2025.

With time winding up, I prayed, and talked to Jesus, and within my spirit, and I felt led tackle the ACT! – Continuing on towards my goal, I prayed and prayed and prayed, and reached out to find dates the exam would be given. I asked the Lord to make a way, and I prayed God, please just work it out, you are leading me into nursing Jesus, you know I need this. I can’t do it without you, God, I need you. The date and the venue were given, 6/11/23 @ JCHS. –Jesus, now I need you to prepare me. I’m not asking for a huge score, just enough to get into the nursing program. I can’t do it without you, but I trust i will do it with you.

6/11/23@8AM

I walk into the venue, drain my nervous kidneys, take a deep breath, and enter the classroom.

The class was small, actually only five people were scheduled that day, and we were all given assigned seats. Think high school, and kids being spaced out to prevent cheating.

As soon as I started towards my seat, I saw it! – Like a thud to my heart to jump start my pulse, screaming yooo hooo, look at me. I had to get a second glance.

I was sure of what I saw, but in my mind, I was like… Jesus, I need to see that again!

I asked to step out for a second prior to the test starting just to take a double look, but I know what I saw; I just wanted to see it again.

The name on the first chair was CHLOE—–

I’m not making this up.

Jesus showed up, and he showed me he was there in a language that only I would understand, with a sign that gave me peace.

I continued to pray through the exam; it was lengthy and extremely hard. During the exam, I could hear him telling me, go with this one, just trust me. I filled in every bubble, and left there knowing, I’m either going to pass it or this will prepare me to pass it next time.

That sign though, it was heaven sent. —

Inhale, exhale.

About a week later, I got the multiple choice back, and I passed with an 18. While I’ll never make it to space, I’m certain one day, I’ll be a nurse, working for Jesus.

Fast forward

While I face my future, knowing Jesus has big plans for me, I’m also facing another valley, I’m going head long into it, at a speed that can’t be stopped. On 6/30/23; I’ll be having surgery on my left ear, the tympanic membrane.

I’ve cried and cried and cried, I’ve been scared, and afraid. I’ve wondered why God, I don’t understand. Why I do I have to face this, while in reality, I hurt. There’s a mass that has to come out. I’ve witnessed Jesus take this mass from a cholesteatoma which was behind the ear drum, to a cyst that’s in the middle ear canal- But still, I have to undergo the surgery. I’m sure he is healing me, but this doesn’t feel good. I’ve wondered about every aspect, from the IV, to the droopy gas meds they give you prior to sedation, and the over the face mask of gas. I’ve wondered about recovery, and will they give me too much pain meds, I’ve considered telling the anesthesiologist not to give me any fuddy duddy drugs unless I ask for them. I’ve went around every scenario that is possible, even the part where I do not make it out. — Sounds crazy right? Maybe it is, but mentally I’m being shaken, while spiritually I’m being strengthened.

On the way to church this past Sunday, I was praying and talking to Jesus, and telling him, I just don’t get it, I don’t want to be afraid, but I can’t help it, that’s when I saw it. I saw a warrior, she was in the air, with a raised sword in her right hand and a shield in her left, there were flames of red, and amber all around her, underneath her was a solid rock, and in front of her a mighty dark blackish / maroon dragon, — This warrior, she is me, and that dragon is fear, and all of satans army. You see, he came knocking at me with everything the flesh could feel, steal, and take, but my Jesus, he came in and raised the bar. He has called me his, and I only answer to what he says to do, and I only want to do what he has called me to do, including slay this dragon, to my nemesis, you came to me with dagger of heart ache, fleshly emotions, adultery, fear, death, and suffocation in your hand, and I, I tell you I come to you in the name of the LORD.

6/30/23 is the day my Giant will fall- Fear you don’t own me, it’s time for you to go back to HELL. — HEAR ME ROAR. I refuse to be scared anymore!!!! God is not done with me; this is only the beginning.

Jesus, I pray for a double portion of Elijahs anointing. I’ve been beat down and battered to long, God raise me up to be your warrior, fierce, bold, gentle, loving and dedicated to the walk you have called me into. I raise your name up, I could care less if they know who I am, I just want them to know you. I want them to know what an awesome God you are, and how close you are to them, even when they pretend to not hear your voice, even when they act like you aren’t there in the midst of them, when they ignore the nudges you place within them like a child nudging at its daddy, you nudge them. God raise them up, raise them up Lord, lead them to be strong and mighty, like you have called them to be. Help them father to be mended of the pain you did not inflict, help them Father to give their heart back to you. God show them your love and show them your mercy. Jesus be near to them, as they walk that last mile out of the valley, they have been lost in for so many years. Help them to cry out all the tears, each time the band aid is ripped off, help them to seek comfort in you like Lazarus on your bosom. Jesus you are near, you are near. God, I praise you. –Lift me up, lift me up Lord. Lift them up, lift them up Lord. — Let them feel your peace and keep your angels around us all. Until you call us home on high, Lord, lead us to lead an army great and small, young and old to you lord. — For you are not slack concerning your promises. We are just impatient.

Deep breath, let it out some more.

I don’t want to sleep tonight, but I will, and I trust Jesus will help me.

I have another message for you–

God is near to you!!

I’m still praying. I’ll never stop.

I just got to breath, I want to listen to music and keep this night going forever, regardless even if I stayed awake until surgery time on Friday, I cannot stop the clock, I can however fight this with the sword of God, that everlasting word. —

Heaven and earth shall pass away, but his word will forever remain, (Mark 13:31 reference) we can’t be halfway in and halfway out. (Matthew 6:24 reference)

Another thing I saw, I’d like to share before I close.

While praying about my surgery, and meditating on Psalm 23, I saw a man holding lantern. My surroundings were dark, as though I was in that valley of the shadow of death, but this man, he had kept looking back motioning me forward. — Dawn was ahead.

YOUR DAWN IS COMING, are you preparing, or are you stuck in the waiting?

I’m a little mean. Grrrr.

I pray I’ve said something to help you,

Let’s pray this out.

Father God in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ,

Lord, I come to you, and I thank you for helping me write another blog. I thank you for the words you have given me to write, and I praise you for the valleys. I praise you for the opportunities to grow even when it hurts. Father, I thank you for sending Jesus to die for me, when I deserved to die instead of him. I thank you for loving me, even when I try to run from you, and I thank you for the souls you’ll touch. Father, I pray whosoever reads this, that you touch them Jesus, and you mend their hearts. I pray that you open their hearts to receive you back into it or simply into if they have never received you before. Jesus, I pray, for closure to those who are searching for closure, and I pray for peace for those who need peace. I pray that you lift them up, and set them on wings of eagles, so they can soar. I pray you give your angels charge over them in all their ways, so they can begin to work for you and your kingdom. I pray Jesus, not just for them, but for me also, God see me through the next few days, I rebuke any fear, and I stand on your infallible love for me. I know Jesus you have big plans for me, and I declare it over my life, my soul, and my mind! God flood my mind with your presence, and clear any rubbage that lingers of the enemy, you hold all power over me, my mind, my heart, and I am yours. Father, make your abode in me, and open thy word to me. Jesus let me life a life that mirrors you, and Lord, whatever thy will is, I accept it for my life. God, I thank you, for interrupting my plans and replacing them with your pathway to everlasting life. Though I fall short, you never fail to pick me up. I praise you forever, and ever, AMEN. Oh, and Jesus, let this message fall on good ground, if the ground isn’t good, plow it up and plant it deeper. — You’re holy and true, and its only you Jesus that has the power to save men from sin, destruction and hell. — All praise be to you, AMEN take 2.

You all have a blessed weekend.

If you need me message me.

christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

I love you forever, and Jesus loves you most, the extra mostest, ever!!! & Jesus, he himself is the best!

insert giggle.

❤ Christie.