For His Glory

I am tired.

I am physically tired.

Right now, at this very moment, my mind is collapsing due to my body feeling like its being taken through some sort of sickness.

This week I was originally scheduled to work three twelve-hour shifts in a row, but due to my youngest son being sick with hand foot and mouth virus, I only worked two.

Around mid-day today, I began to feel sick. I usually do not get sick. UGH. Where is this coming from?

I work in a hospital. I am around a lot of patients, and Eli tends to bring cooties home from school; common sense right, however I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO BE SICK!! On top of that I have some health problems trying to creep upon me, again I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO BE ANYTHING BUT HEALTHY. Apparently, my body thinks otherwise. My eyes are rolling this time at myself. We all get cruddy at times, I guess I don’t need to be a brat about it. Rant over, tomorrow I may take myself to a doctor.

Initially, I wasn’t thinking of writing tonight; but here came Jesus around 3ish pondering into my mind, about another blog. Ok, whatever. I’ve Got homework and I’m cruddy. Here came Jesus again. A Sister in Christ messaged me and mentioned me writing. Really? Confirmation.

What now? I’m very realistic when it comes to me writing. I’m not so formal. My dialect is more of an open conversation that is unfiltered, and very poorly edited. I’m real though. I speak what comes to me, and I let God have his way.

God is usually always the center of my Blogs. In all ways, I consider him to be the leader and author of my Blogs, and Me, I’m just a vessel. –

So, with that being said, let’s begin.

God, you know I have nothing to write tonight. I pray my Lord, whatever it is that you would have me to say, you bring it out. I’m not sure where you are taking this, or for whom it is for, but nevertheless, not my will but thy will be done. God, I am tired. I am weak in body. I feel sick, I feel under the weather. I feel mentally drained. My body feels like a cup that’s been turned upside down, while all the energy drains from it. I am restless in my spirit, and I am numb. Where is this numbness coming from? I feel everyone. I am happy, but where is the numbness coming from? Please take the numbness away. I have no reason to be numb, am I picking up on someone else or is it a defense mechanism? God, here I go just speaking to you. Help me, Lord. Just send help. Lift me up in your eyes God, to be who I am called to be, and keep me anchored in you. God, I pray thee, use me as a willing vessel for you, and make my heart to be pleasing in your eyes. I know my thoughts run crazy at times, well often. Jesus, I pray, speak stillness to my thoughts and keep me centered in you. Thank you, God, for all that you do, and for holding me as I wander these streets, trials, tribulations, and help me to know joy is coming in the morning. Every passing day God that I open my eyes, I pray your mercy, grace, truth, and voice shines through me to someone, even if that someone is myself. I need you now more than ever before, and I choose you now, not like before, but God, I forever choose you now. Make me clean God and make me to know what my full calling is in you, not only that, but I ask thee Jesus to position me to walk in it and open the doors that need to be opened. God, I pray for your hedge to return to me, and that the mighty works you began in me, you finish them. I pray People come to know you through me. In Ecclesiastes 12:13 you tell me the whole duty of man is to serve God. Jesus my whole duty in this life is to serve you. Everything I have is because of thee, and I pray God, let the rest of my days, be a reflection of thee (my praise, worship, job, family, friends, actions, reactions, my rising, falling, and rising again) God take my fleshly desires and turn them into spiritual desires fit for building your kingdom. Take over God and lead this blog, for I cannot do it on my own. It You in me and I in thee. Let your words be found upon my lips, and heart. God, I give it to thee. Take the lead. I surrender. Amen.

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Yesterday, I had the honor of watching a video about a survivor. This survivor wasn’t just any survivor, her trauma mirrored mine. That video has stuck with me, and keeps replaying in my head, my thoughts, and it echos so deep within my soul. I cannot shake it. I tremble at the words, and similarities between this person and I. Over the years Jesus, has used this person on more than one occasion to direct me to him, and to keep me on his track. Like a little butterfly that flies by when I least expect it, I’ll get a reminder from him of her and a greater purpose I am yet to know. Yesterday, and today, Jesus has used this beloved Warrior to tell me, I am a wonderful mother who is beautiful, and I am a Child of God. Yesterday, when I least expected it, Jesus used her scars to crack me wide open, as he began to whisper and as he still whispers, “My Daughter, it’s time for you to heal. You have to heal, so you can lead people to me. You have to see yourself in your eyes, and then realize who you are in my eyes. I will lift you up out of this valley, but you have to put forth the effort. Yes, you are working on yourself, but you must realize that you can’t change your past, but with my help, everything in your future will work out; not only for your own, good, but MY GOOD. I have called you by my name, nothing in this life can take you from me. I have my hands on you, and YOU ARE MINE. I have called you to this season of waiting for a reason, it is preparation. You will learn of me here, and I will grow thee, you my daughter are a chosen vessel, called of a royal priest hood. It’s not of you, it is of me. You see, I have given you a mouth, and I will declare my boldness over you, and I will shine upon you, and others will see me in thee, and I in you, and you in me, and you planted in me. Others will come, you ask how, I say, I say I will send them. You need not to think or wonder, you only need to trust. For I am growing you, and you know it. I know it is tough, but you have to be willing to trust. Think not you lead yourself to write, for I am leading thee. You feel how fast your hands are hitting these keys for I am with thee, and I guide thee. I know, I know you are suffering but remember Joy cometh in the morning. Weep not, for your joy shall soon return. Some of the toughest growth times, bring forth the greatest harvest, and my child your harvest will soon come. — Ok WOW. I felt that leave me.

God give me more.

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This is where I began to crack open.

Self-inventory. Trauma pour out. (Trigger Warning ahead)

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Who have I been? What have I endured? Who am I?

I have to let this out, he is telling me to.

God, I cannot it’s a lot and I’m not sure I can’t fit it all in one blog. I’m afraid it will be too much, but I hear you whisper, others need to hear, and little by little I will heal thee. Do not deny me, only be obedient. The healing is coming to the nations, an awakening like this nation has yet saw. I see a vision of many bowing, before God surrendering their heart to Jesus, the beloved Son.

Ok, God. Help me release it.

I’m done. I can’t hold back.

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My name is Christie.

I am a victim of Abuse. I don’t like placing that label on myself. Since I have been saved, I’ve built and empire around myself, and I have become invincible. The pain can’t touch me, I forgave my enemies, or did I?

At an early age, I began to watch my sister be raped. She was molested. I’ll never forget that night. I was laying in my bed asleep and for whatever reason, I just had to wake up. I have a hearing problem, there’s no reason why I should have woken up, but I did. As I laid there, my long brown hair was covering my face, as I stared through the strands, I saw him. I saw my stepdad sitting on the side of my sister’s bed, his right hand was on her chest and his left hand towards her. He kept a close eye on me, and I’d shut my eyes so tightly as he glanced my way. I remember his words, “Hold still, let me get it in.”

MY INNOCENSE WAS SHATTERED.

The next day, I told the school. I was immediately made out to be a compulsive liar. Numerous times this happened, and numerous times I was made out to be a liar. I’ll admit I caved and denied what I had said, in fear of being taken from my mother. It was then I began to question everything in my head and in my heart. It was after that particular night; I began to watch people. That night my eyes were opened to a world of wickedness, sickness, and a very broken home. No child should have to endure that. I’ll forever have trust issues with that. No medication can fix my trust issues. I do not think about it daily, I am stronger than that, but for whatever reason, tonight this band-aid had to be ripped off.

Growing up he only attempted to look at me once. I was a very verbal child. I was the one who turned him in, and even though I recanted my claim, I’m assuming to a degree he knew better, or maybe just maybe God protected me, as for touching he did it once in my sleep, there was no evidence or proof, and nothing could be done. I’m not ok with what happened, no one in their right mind could be, but I live to tell the story. After that night, he would make a few slurs here and there in a non-directional towards my boyfriends about me, but not directly at me. He knew better.

I’m bitter.

I watched my sister be transformed into an alcoholic, she was so broken, that even as she got older, she needed to be numb. I get it now. I understand. It’s all she could do to let him feel her up to get her fix. I’ll never forget the nights I’d watch her from the porch go to the end of the driveway just to step aside to building, where he was waiting in the dark. I’d sit there the whole time and watch her disappear and reappear. I’d sit on that porch thinking, what is wrong with her? Sometimes, I’d even wait on that porch and just look at her and him, as they walked by me like nothing ever happened. What the crap, are you ignorant? I was the bold one, the mean one. I’m glad Jesus kept me from that. Now that I am older, I get it, I understand and I have compassion on her, not only her but others alike. I realize sometimes trauma is so bad, the only way to get out of it, is to numb it out.

&. That’s what I did.

I became and addict at the age of 12. I was a big pharm addict. My mom believed she needed to do everything the doctors said including have me undergo several ear surgeries. Every time I would have surgery, I would be given. At some I realized what the pain meds were doing to me, at that point I began to demand to know how many pills I was given and how often I could take them. I loved them. I didn’t feel the mental pain I was in. I was flying. I was untouchable. I didn’t feel the hurt I never should have endured. By the time I was 18, I was a medically induced addict.

The trauma of my childhood followed me into adulthood.

I was a good girl who’s innocence was destroyed, leaving a broken path for others to walk, including myself.

My trauma from my childhood lead to:

PTSD, severe trust issues, broken relationships, me degrading myself as a young woman, drug addiction, body image issues (I live in a world where I am not the right size, I have to get about 20 more lbs. off me before I’ll be satisfied, and even then, I am sure I’ll find flaws). I’ve screwed up with all my kids in more ways than I can imagine. I pick at my flaws. I am in a constant battle within myself. I’ve always heard the hardest person to forgive is yourself, and that is true.

Due to my lack of love as a kid, it’s hard for me to accept it as an adult. In my eyes I am not worthy of such love and it’s almost impossible for me to show it. It was until recently, that I was even able to feel my own children and allow them to feel me. I’m now learning to not struggle showing love to others.

The hardest part is drowning out the voices in my head that tell me, I am not worthy, I’ll never make it, I am fat, I am ugly, I am unclean, I’ll never be good enough for God to forgive, I’ll never be happy, & now that I am ready to be loved in life, no one will ever love me because it is too late. I’ve done the damage to myself, and it’s what I deserve.

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—This is where Jesus steps in–& that video echos in my ears so deeply—

It’s time for me to rise. It’s time for me to dust off my feet and see how far God has brought me, and how much farther he is taking me in this life.

I am not the sum of my mistakes, I am not the sum of trauma, and I am not defined by it. My past is my testimony, my present my healing period, and my future is in God’s hands.

I do not have to live in my trauma, I am to learn from it. I’ve learned that it is ok not to trust people. I’ve learned that it is ok to stay guarded, but it is not ok to push people out who I know love me so deeply that they’d do anything within their power to help me.

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I’m breaking open and bleeding out more each day.

The shell of who I used to be is being picked back up and glued back together by the Potter’s hands, love, mind, heart and soul. I was just given the image of a broken vessel. I saw a flowerpot shattered, one of those reddish looking clay ceramic pots, and then I saw it glued together with a white glue. That white glue is symbolic for the Potter’s light.

Like a voice thundering from the heavens, I was given a message that said, ” You are beautiful, and you are a child of God.”

Those are the words that will define me.

I am a wonderful mother (for I have a declared it, oh it echo’s as it roars, he’s shaking me, showing me who I am in him; for I have big plans for you says the Lord)..

I am a Child of God.

I shall not be shaken out of God’s hands, and I will do all that he’s called me to do.

But, how God?

Not by yourself, but by me and by me alone. —(that is literally what just came to me)…

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I don’t know who this blog is for. I’m not really sure why it was written. I don’t even know all that was written, a confession of many of my blogs, I go back and read them just to see what was written and said, nevertheless I know it was for someone, possibly many.

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Trauma is real.

Pain is real.

Life deals people some of the most awful cards at times.

Bad things happen to good people. The only logical explanation I can think of is that our experiences and how we overcame them; will change the world someday.

Remember your redeemer draweth nigh.

Through Christ Jesus, and Christ alone, I’m finding my healing.

I’ll never walk in the dark again, rest assure, if I ever look back, it’s to see if you are following me. — Take my hand— You can’t stay there.

Remember Faith, Love, and hope.

The greatest of these is love.

For love covers a multitude of sin. That true love of God, teaches us how love when we can’t love, forgive when we can’t forgive, and it enables us to reach out to those in need when we can’t even reach out for ourselves. That love, that covers everything is Jesus.

Until God leads me again; I am praying for you always.

❤ Christie.

It’s 8:41p.m and I cannot breathe.

All day today, I have had the urgency in my spirit to write, so once again I’ll offer myself up to the Lord and allow him to have his way.

Anxiety is real.

Pain is real.

Trauma is real.

Abuse is real.

But… So is healing.

My life over the past several weeks has been a train wreck.

Back in the Summer of this past year I was running 100 miles per hour with Jesus. I was singing in church, testifying to people, walking and talking the Christian life. I was able to withstand almost every obstacle that came my way; one may classify it as being on top of the mountain.

As the seasons began to slowly turn from Summer to Fall, I started to become undone. Misery loves company, and even the most well put together people have issues that they dare not share with the world.

My issues were many, and I hid them well. While on the mountain top, I hid it all, while secretly battling them alone. I would smile to people’s faces while crying and praying in secret.

What is love without pain? A fairytale, and we all know those are fiction.

What is life without pain? The perfect picture life does not exist; yet most secretly display this image, to prevent others from looking down or frowning upon them. Most people bottle up their pain and hide it away in a box. Hi, I’m most people for the most part.

Yes, a lot of my blogs deal with deep issues, but I confess one of my most hidden battles, one that almost cost me my life, I have kept hidden from the radar until now.

I have a confession.

I fell of that mountain.

I made it to the top, it was suicide.

I saw a clear view of what a head of me was, and what was behind me; like Pharoah chasing the Egyptians, my past kept creeping up on me, but not just any past, the yesterday’s past. Every day that went by as I neared the top of that mountain was just as painful as it was joyful. I was breaking as I was climbing. I was collapsing as I was holding on to the branches pulling myself upward along that mountain side; literally dragging myself. I fought to get to the top of the mountain. I was on the peak, the pain kept following me. I begged God to make it stop, to take it away, to make a way. I became so blinded and scared because I could not see God moving, and all I could see was yesterday hunting me and haunting me. I became immobilized, and captured by secret isolation, depression, grief, trauma, a failed marriage, and my own unstable emotions, I decided NO MORE. I’ve always walked by faith and not sight. My faith became so blinded, I decided to go by sight instead. I took matters into my own hands, and said, “God, no more! You are not moving, I have to, I can’t bear this.”

I leaped.

Spiritual Suicide, I died.

Or did I?

God knows everything. He knew I was going to get to that point. He knew I was going to get to the top and jump, but even as I type this, I see his hand reaching down to me, as if he himself caught me before I hit the very bottom.

I’ve always heard there is no forgiveness for suicide, but that about Spiritual Suicide? Why did he catch me? Why didn’t he just let me fall? Why does he still see me as precious? Why won’t God let me go? How can he love me after I turned my back on him? Because he is God, he is good, and his mercy and grace is endless.

Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning great is your faithfulness.

In my heart, I feel as though I do not deserve any kind of love in this life, much less the Love that Jesus has to offer, but guess what, Jesus is still here with me, and he’s still there with you. There is no measuring or stopping the love Jesus has for anyone, we can choose to turn it away, but even then, he loves us still. He loved Judas as he was betraying him with the kiss that revealed his identity to crowd that captured and killed him.

Allow me to go into some details of my pain, trauma, and the train wreck.

For over 3 years, I have prayed for my marriage. I begged God to move; yeah, sure sometimes I’d see movement and other’s I’d see nothing. I begged God to save my husband. I begged my husband to go to church with me. I begged my husband to forgive me of my wrongs I had done to him. I kept my mouth shut most of the time, (I’m honest here too, you can only back me into a corner so far before I fight back, so I’ll admit I’ve lost my cool. Are you human or a robotic?) I feel in my heart I pleaded with Jesus to just move on my home, but yet I felt as though I got nothing when it comes to my husband. I ended up with the devil using my husband as Pharoah, to chase me up that mountain as I climbed as far as I could. I tried showing him the light, but it’s like the light was slowly diminishing out of me. I kind of feel like I failed God in a way, because I wasn’t able to stand and because I fell short of making sure he was saved. Maybe this is guilt, I’m not sure, but I feel like I’m still defending myself to myself saying I tried. We were supposed to file for divorce about three weeks ago, but still nothing has happened. I’ve stopped pressing it, and now I am back to isolating in my bedroom (note we have separate rooms). I work, do homework, force air into my lungs, and I repeat. Am I still dying?

After leaping off the mountain peak, I went on vacation for almost three weeks. I indulged on Dollywood, ziplining, fine food, and virgin daquiris. I didn’t withhold any good or pleasant thing from myself. If it felt good, I done it. I allowed myself to love the world and all the pleasures of the world again. I became fleshly alive as I was spiritually dying. It felt good. I started smoking and vaping. I began to curse. I became the very image of the girl I once was.

Looking back, the moment I opened myself up to become the girl I once was, is when the train wreck happened. The new me ran straight backwards, and the old me ran straight forward. The two collided, and I began to portray qualities from both images. I remember God’s word at this instance, telling me I cannot serve God and Mammon (the devil). You’ll cling to one of them more and the one you cling to the most is the very image that you will eventually become.

Matthew 6:24 No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.

More details: The world felt good, but emotionally at the end of most nights, I was left begging God to spare me and bring me out of the hell I was in. I begged God many times to just forgive and take me home. I got really dark and could not see any light. There was times God would have friends reach out to me to be like “Do not do anything.” (PLEASE NOTE I AM NOT SUICIDAL. I WILL NEVER BE, however I now realize how easy it is for pain to take people out, and I would have never gotten that understanding unless it had happened to me.)

Now, back to the present.

My rollercoaster fun filled vacation experience is now over. I’m back to the real world. I started working again. In the midst of all the chaos, a door was opened for me to go to work as a CNA/PCT. I ended up getting a position that would work with my college schedule. There was Jesus. In the midst of the chaos, he was still directing me. I have taken my TEAS exam and passed it. I take my pre-nursing conference next week, and I will be applying for the RN program shortly after.

God is still here

I’m not dead.

I’m still breathing.

And he’s still molding me.

Those of you that know me, know I am always trying to figure out what people’s real motives are and what tomorrow is going to bring. He literally just whispered, “Sufficient for today is enough. & not to worry about tomorrow.” It’s not live in the moment, it’s a state of living in him, and trusting in him at all times, even when we cannot see. –God, I’ve been there, done that and remember I failed at this. Hence, my leap.

It’s like his restless love just doesn’t stop, and he’s always showing up, and showing out. My new job is awesome. I love drawing blood (I’m only a little morbid), but patient care is my thing. I’m excited for my future, but I’m also scared of tomorrow. What else am I going to have to go through to get to where I need to be in life? How many more times am I going to rise and fall before the last promise comes?

In all of this, I still see God’s promises coming to fulfillment in the near future, and somehow, it’s like he’s allowing me to learn from my fall, while almost instantly placing me back on his feet, and opening up new doors for growth. I’ve known nursing was his plan for me for about two years, and when I finally decided to pursue it, he’s most certainly opening up every door for it. Another question, God, how on earth is me becoming a nurse going to play into me teaching, preaching, and witnessing your word? If you’d just show me the big picture, maybe it would be easier to walk it. Back to faith, I know he has me. The big picture is all of this is about Jesus, and for Jesus, I just have to be willing to allow him to work on me, while I hold his hand and he will work out the rest.

It’s still God’s last promise that keeps me holding on through all this. Faith, love, and hope.

1 Corinthians 13:3-8; 11-13 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.  When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.  And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

It’s coming to me that in order to love like Jesus, I have to go through hardships like Jesus. He reminds me that weeping endures for a moment but joy cometh in the morning and the sufferings of this present time cannot be compared to glory that is coming.

Psalm 30:5 For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Romans 8:18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us

From past and present experiences, I am realizing he really does and is using everything for his good. There’s nothing he won’t use for his glory. All my pain, trauma, abandonment, resentment, all the mountains, tears, beautiful and horrific moments, God is and will use for his glory.

To the Girl I ran into when the train wrecked — Go back to hell.

To the Woman I am- I am proud of you, you are doing an amazing job, even though you don’t realize it, and you are worthy, Jesus says you are worthy because his love is what makes you worthy. His love is a free gift Its time for you to believe it too. Allow Jesus to use this time in your life to break down, build up, take away and add characteristics to you and your walk with him that needs or doesn’t need to be there. He’s got your back! When the world turns it on you, he holds you (I literally just saw this flash before me ❤ )

To the Woman I am becoming- You’re going to be a force to be reckoned with when it comes to God’s Kingdom, you’re going to lead many to Jesus because of the testimony he will have given you by the time you reach that point. You will be bold, and unstoppable, you will be favorable, and he will become well known on a personal level through you. —

To the World who is watching my rising and falling: pay attention because the same great, marvelous, sometimes messy stuff that has happened and is happening to me, happens to all, maybe not the exact same situations, but it happens and in all this he is still Lord. Just like he’s never left me, and I left him, he’s never left you. He understands the pain sometimes causes us to turn our back on him. The fact that he still loves us is the best part, he’s always waiting for us to spiritually come back home.

There’s a new awakening that’s about to take place. It’s the third greatest awakening that has yet come.

God, I pray as I / You bring this to a close, open their hearts, and eyes and hearts to you. Grow them father, take their bad and turn it for your good, pursue them Jesus, use your shepherd hook and rescue them from the pits as they fall, and the ones you are calling wrap them in your arms. God mend them, I know you love them, Lord I pray they love you in return. If my walk to you, from you and back to you helps lead just one soul to you, then at the end of my age, I’ve served my purpose. Not my will, but thy will be done.

Luke 15:10 Just so, I tell you, there is joy before the angels of God over one sinner who REPENTS.

He’s waiting for you!

I love you!

I pray I’ve said something to help you.

You’re not too far from God to be saved, and you aren’t too weak to be used by him. David was of little stature, but yet Jesus used him mightily. Samsung, defeated many, fell in love with Dilalah, was used as spectator’s sport, and yet God used him at his end. Joseph was sold into slavery, and God used him to feed his family during a famine.

There’s currently a famine taking place in our land for the real children of God to show Christ to dying nation. Are we among the hungry or among the serving, if so be that you were once among the hungry and are now fed, it’s time for you to start feeding the lost sheep that precious name of Jesus!!!

&.. Just like that it left.

I really do love you..

I’m fighting for you, and I’ll never stop!

Love Always,

Christie R.

Can I ask you something (maybe a few somethings)?

What is faith, where is your faith, and how strong is your faith?

When I think of faith, I think of the faith of Abraham and the rest of the patriarchs in God’s Biblical Word. While it is true, I don’t get to study or make myself study as often as I would/should; I still have faith, and I hold to it.

Hebrews 11:1 Faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen.

Romans 8:25 For if we hope for what we yet do not have, we wait patiently.

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose

Genesis 15:6 Abram believed the Lord, and he credited it to him as righteousness.

In James 2:23; Abraham was called a friend of God because he believed him.

I read something on a website that said ” In our waiting we can choose to doubt God’s goodness and faithfulness, or we can choose to remind ourselves of God’s promises and his character.

CATCH THIS

Daily, I remind myself God is faithful, and he will fulfill, according to his will, his plans, and his timing.

I’m suffocating. I can’t breathe at times, but God’s plan is better than mere minutes of fleshly fulfillment, so I press, I press, and I press. In order to get wine from grapes, they must first go through a crushing. I’M BEING CRUSHED, but the reward is going to be worth it.

Abraham also showed God, he loved him more, when he was willing to sacrifice Isaac, but God, how he stepped in and made a way for him to keep Isaac.

While praying about two days ago, was shown a vision, of me upon a stage with a microphone in my hand. (My prayer was simply me pouring myself out to Jesus about Jaylah, faith, love and hope.

I know its near.

The word season has been given to me twice now, and notice season is not plural but rather singular, so there for; it is one season away.

How far are you willing to go to hold to your faith.

This season, I learn, I grow, I hurt. I hurt, I hurt.

God never told me it would be easy, he told me it would be worth it. One day I’ll lay my crown down at his feet and with tear filled eyes and say, “Thank you”, until then, I press and say, ” You never gave up on me, and I won’t give up on you.”

I’m hurting.

Some peoples silence blows my mind away. Some peoples silence is to be expected, and some people I’d just rather remain silent. I’ll never paint you a flawless picture. I’m me, I’m very flawed, real, sincere and I very well trust God to roll me over this tide.

My faith is in Jesus, my faith is strong, my faith is going to move this mountain. My faith says, this world can shut me out, and it’s still going to hear me roar Jesus, over the mountain, from sea to sea, coast to coast, as loud as I can, Jesus is for me, and he will never fail me. Man fails me, but Jesus he doesn’t.

I love you all.

God is good, even in the waiting he’s preparing, and right now, he’s preparing us.

He’s got me surrounded.

I’m not a selfish person, but I tend to shut the world out, and hover close to the Lord. In distress I call out to him, and I refuse to give up on him.

This waiting will soon be over, will you be prepared to step into the position he’s moving you to, or will you focus on everything around you, instead of he who is roaring within you.

On a side note, school has begun, and I’m kicking butt, all thanks to Jesus. Initially I was very afraid of this semester, but the more I dig into it the more I realize he’s helping me, ask me again once I start microbiology and that answer may be different.

This is the season where my faith is to grow.

Normally, I plan things. Since becoming a student, I plan. I pay attention to due dates, and I know when I have to have all my papers filled out, my work hours, and how much homework I have to get done to get a free weekend (I’m human and I’ll go bonkers if I don’t get out). I work ahead, so I can slack on a weekend or entire week (just saying vacation awaits in October). Guess what, there’s a roadblock. I can’t plan ahead, I don’t know the future, and my mind is in circles, all I know is to stay at Big Sandy, and trust him to open the right door. Catch this, the nursing program is a daily class, there’s no night classes, and my job is an 8-5. My hands are in the air. Take this Jesus, you’re leading, and my hands are off it all, now my mind is a tornado in hurricane.

It’s also school season for Eli, one week in and we have cooties. Welcome to my home Rhinovirus and Pneumonia, if I had known you was coming, I would have decked his house with immunity builders, so you would have known feeding and room/board was limited, and you would have had to go find a new host.

My prayer is simple, in this season of waiting, you hold God and don’t let go. When I am weak, he is strong, and when you are weak, he is strong also. Pray about it, talk to him, rest in him. He won’t let me let Go. I’ve tried, the pain makes me cry often, silent tears, begging, pleading wanting understanding, and all get is, it’s coming soon, hold on. —-His hands are open, when you can’t hold to nothing else, hold to his, it’s like I can see him standing in the gap between the two.

I love you!!!!!!

Jesus loves you most.

Remember don’t fall, Jesus is moving. & I have peace/pain.

❤ Christie R.

Today’s date is Saturday, July 29th, 2023. It’s approximately 11:44PM, and I’m a mess.

At this moment I don’t even know how to express it, it’s all I can do to cry out to Jesus, and beg him to help, move, secure, lead the way, open doors, close doors and make a way.

The past week has left me speechless, hopeful, and tearful.

Faith, love, and hope has come in like a wrecking ball. I’ve been so strong, but to see Jesus move in an unexpected way, so unexpectedly, I’m left on cloud nine, but also rock bottom, my heart has sunk to the bottom of my chest, pumping with a flood of emotions, tears, and a million what ifs, when’s, where’s, and please Jesus sooner rather than later. There are butterflies, bumblebees, flutters and stings. The butterflies make me dance and the bees make me cry.

My promises are so close but yet so far away. I can see them lining up, but I want them now. But I can’t I have to wait on Jesus, so I cry.

Have you ever cared so much about something, but yet had to remain silent, knowing everything you said, could and possibly would be held against you? Jesus help me to breathe. I’m being patient down here, but I just need you to speed up the process a little bit. I’m growing tired, weak, weary, not knowing how you’re going to make a way, yet convincing myself and standing against all hell, saying you will make a way. Jesus, you know my heart. It hurts Lord, it hurts.

Why must I always feel like I’m split down the middle and in a thousand pieces. Yes, Lord, I know Danny deserves all of me, and I promise to do that (the best I can), but Lord, I just need a little help holding on. I thank you for showing me that doors are about to open, but I’m weak and weary, I worry that it’s going to be too late. Jesus help me to be still, when I’m all over the place.

I feel like I’m barely breathing, yet alive, being pushed to the brink of sanity, while screaming when God at the top of my lungs. I’m afraid to care, but yet some-how I do. I’m afraid to fall, yet somehow, I fell years ago. Somehow, somehow, somehow. —-

Lord, just help me breathe. — I feel like I’m coming undone.

Catch me I’m falling, drowning, fighting, swinging both arms with fist in the air, I promise I’m ok. The easiest way to express how I am feeling is to write it out.

The wait seems like it’s taking forever.

Jesus, I know you’re going to see me through it, you tell me you’re going to move soon, and I believe you. — Believing you is all I have left in me.

I’m just exhausted.

Inhale, exhale, I’m still alive, more alive than what I was three months ago. I felt your hands on my chest pump the life back into me as I was letting go. Just like the paramedics performing CPR on someone, you keep my heart pumping and persistently remind me I’m alive when I feel as though I am absent in mind yet present in body.

Thank you for not letting me let go, —

I’m praying for a miracle, while holding to the anchor of my soul.

Thank you, Jesus. I am forever grateful.

Lord, I love thee, I love thee more my Lord, I pray whoever is in a season of wait, that you give them the peace of knowing you’ve worked it out, and they just have to trust. You’re an on-time God, and you always keep your word. I pray Jesus, give me peace Lord, that surpasses all peace, yet I pray you grant me the desires of my heart, to be pleasing to you first, and then my heart’s desire second. –AMEN.

I love you,

Remember Jesus loves you most!

❤ Christie. R

I’m suffocating.

There said it. Have you waited so long to hear it? You know it already somehow.

There are ups, downs, great days, bad days, some days I just keep my mind together.

All I can do is cling to Jesus to keep myself together at times.

At times I feel like Christ is so far away, I can’t feel him, and I wonder if I even want to feel him.

The waiting is the hardest part.

I have to be at work at 8am, and I get up at 6am.

Tonight, I listen to music, to try and drown out my mind, and stop the noise of Eli’s autism fit. I’m just suffocating, I believe I bring most of this on myself. I refuse to move from this spot because I’m waiting on God. There has to be a lesson or something. Maybe I should just stop complaining and exhale.

Sometimes in the waiting, I just want to give up, but I remember, Jesus has brought me too far to give up or give in.

I’ve spent 7 years praying and watching for signs, –I’ve wasted so much of the Lord’s time, I wonder how he could even still use me.

Do you feel Jesus with me? When I type, and talk directly to you, do you feel him?

Enjoy this play list.–

This last song got me, I plan to download it to iTunes and listen on repeat.

Hold on just a little longer. — I know its going to be ok. (even though right now, I’m struggling to hold on) I’ve held on to these promises for so long, and I’m at the end of my rope. I feel like it has a noose around my neck and its suffocating me. I’m holding on as tight as I can. The only reason I can’t let go is because of Jesus, and the only reason I can’t let go of Jesus is because he died for me, the promises remind to keep going. I’ll be honest, at times I question letting go of him, — but I refuse.

I’m just broken.

❤ Christie

Morning noon and night my mind wonders how long I’ll have to wait.

I remind myself his timing is not my timing, nor his thoughts my thoughts, for his ways are so much higher than mine and his timing is perfect.

Are you waiting?

As I wait in silence, I cling to his promises. When I am shaken and feeling hopeless I cling to his promises. When distraction comes nigh I cling to his promises and remember that he won’t lie to me and he’s close to me. I cling to his promises as I battle my flesh and as I battle my mind. I cling to his promises and remind myself God is nigh, he’ll sustain me and see me through this. I cling to his promises and pray often.

I may appear silent, but if you read my blogs you’ll see I’ve been talking the whole time, maybe not one on one, but my words and expressions have been laid before you. My fears, my anxiety and my struggles. I’ve been open, and closed at the same time. I’ve been clinging to Jesus all while clinging to faith, love, hope, spero and every little sign I see. I’ve been there in your darkness as I feel it closing in on you, and I’ve prayed when I can’t even pray for myself.

Sometimes I feel lost. I’m in another valley, almost like a valley of affliction. First I had my surgery, then I faced saying no to addiction, and now I am sick. It’s like it’s bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. I catch a break long enough to catch a breath.

I told Jesus yesterday that if he’s make the pain bearable in my ear, I’d not touch anymore pain meds, that’s when I heard him whisper, “I cried unto the Lord, and he sustained me” —- now I’ll confess, at times I’m a dictionary freak. I like to know and understand the exact meaning of words so I am able to understand what Jesus is saying. When I googled the meaning of sustain it read: strengthen or support physically or mentally.

Right now, I’m weak in body. In spirit I’m up and down, once again I am reminded when I am weak he is made strong. Pushing and pursing these promises helps me to stay strong and focused in him. Although, the timing drives me bonkers, letting go and letting God have it, is the best thing, because if I hadn’t I would have messed up gods plan for me.

I write this morning, I have a yearning in my heart, I have a brokenness in my spirit, I have a open space that only God and those promises can fulfill. I remember the message I received prior to my surgery, I remember it daily, I remember. I remember everything. But I remind myself I have to put Jesus first, keep him first, and not allow my flesh to pull me into sinful nature, it is when we are drawn away according to our lust that we sin. I have a burning in my heart for all such things, but I have a burning in my heart for gods will, timing and purpose.

He has a purpose for my pain.

He has a purpose for your pain.

He has a purpose for the waiting.

I refuse to waiver; I know it’s near. I refuse to let go, I know it’s near. I know it’s closer than before, and I know I’ve preached this for over a year, everyday that goes by, I’m one step closer, while clinging to Jesus.

I just feel so I don’t know how to explain, I’m still here.

🦋🐞🦉

Remember I love you, and Jesus loves you most. If I can give you any advice, let him love you, right now that’s all I can do. In my brokenness, I realize I am made whole because of his love, he’s fixing my vessel, and will fill it with the perfect flowers. I could almost cry. Right now again I tell you and myself he is enough.. I remind myself, he’s all I need, he sustains and he cares how I feel on the inside.

🦋🐞🦉

❤️⚓️Christie

THE ANCHOR HOLDS IN SPITE OF THE STORM

My sails may be tattered, in cases like these I remember he molds me, holds me, and desires for me to be in his image. —- I must be teachable, by the potter and keep on going… oh how I can see my captain with his hand to his head, giving me a salute, as I march on. The good shepherd gave his life for me, and I’m marching on like the warrior you first called me!

Let’s try this again

Take 2🎬

❤️⚓️Christie

Where do I begin with this one?

I feel like my mind has wandered around writing for several days. It was yesterday (7/10/23) I was given the title; after pondering around with each piece of detail, I felt as though I was ready to write late last night, however I chose to put it off until morning.

Here Goes!

For Starters, I’m now eleven days post-op.

My surgery and recovery road has been an event to say the least.

Like a rollercoaster ride I’ve had my ups and downs.

One minute I’m pain-free, and the next minute I’m in severe pain, like I’ve never experienced before. There’s been a few days, I’ve been so stubborn and refused to take my pain meds more than once a day, in case I needed them the next day. I’d go to sleep with pain worse than the initial wake up from the procedure. There’s been some mornings I’ve barely been hurting and taken my medication as a precaution just in case the pain did try to arise and there’s been them in between moments where if I could just keep my mind focused and stay busy that I’d not think nor feel the pain I was in, only to set down and get overwhelmed by what I already knew was there.

I’ve been out of work since 6/28/23. As of now I plan to go back on this Thursday, or next week’s Monday.

Welcome to my whirlwind.

With the amount of pain, I was in, I suspected something was up and decided to call the doctor. On Friday, I was advised to come to their ER (3hours away). The trip was too much, I asked if I could just come for an office visit on Monday, 7/10/23, with the approval I pushed through the weekend the best I could. A circle of chaos formed inside my mind, with so many what could be happening’s going through my head, and what am I feeling inside my ear, misery sought company. Everything was coming in and nothing was going out. I held it in. I kept it to myself. I bottled it up.

Where is Jesus? I promised, I’d follow him through this. I promised, I’d get closer. Wait a minute, I stopped following him the day I left the hospital, and it seems like I’m being dragged with pain, along with the rest of life’s distress. Jesus, I promise I’m here, I’m just clinging to your garment as you walk by, strolling along, and I feel like I’m entangled into you, and I refuse to give up or give in. I’ve always heard if I could just touch the hem of your garment, I’d be made whole, never did I imagine you’d let down the hem of your garment so far, for me to wrap myself in it during life’s toughest battle. Thank you!!

Let’s touch a little on the last week. —

On top of the pain, this has been my story.

Are you ready to go deeper with me?

My mind touched every scenario with my ear. – you know this, even the part where what if there is a blood clot, and he cleans it, it pops open, and I bleed out in front of my mom and Eli. —I told you, it’s been chaotic. The ups and downs of a rollercoaster followed by the turbulence of an airplane during a storm.

I’ve been at my sister’s house since night of my surgery. She’s taken care of me, and well I’ve just not felt like going home, I’ll be doing that tomorrow or Thursday. I kind of just don’t feel like going back there, but I will because I’m not a coward, and Jesus has taught me to war with him instead of in my flesh.

I’m depressed, but I’m not forsaken. I feel like there are things I’d like to vent about but cannot find the words to say or maybe its not the place. I hear time, time, time in my mind, so maybe its not the time.

I’m dealing with a lot.

I get to share my story of overcoming addiction on 7/17/23. I’ve not even began to type that up yet.

My marriage. I’m fighting for it. —These are the details I feel like I must leave out. He’s not crappy. He’s a former me. I feel in my heart, I must leave it at that. I’m not out to down-grade anyone. But I do feel like I must fight, and I feel as though I must properly use the word of God as my sword in this battle. I feel like now is the time I press into God’s spirit, and allow the Holy Ghost to take over, lead, guide, and even correct me when I am wrong. It is the anointing that destroys the yoke and sets the captives free. I can’t lead my lost husband to salvation, if I’m being led by my flesh, and allowing my emotions to override what Jesus is telling me to do. I’m learning its ok for me to feel the emotions, but I must fully exercise self-control over my emotions, especially when they’ll hinder the work of the Lord. It’s not becoming a brick wall, its less of me (my flesh, my former ways) and more of him, and his holy ways. Jesus tells me be ye holy for I am holy. Jesus doesn’t expect me to be perfect, but he does expect me to be teachable by him (Jesus). I have to be willing to take his word and apply it to myself in general. As for my husband, God will lead him in, I just have to be patient. Again, he literally just reminded me “Vengeance is mine saith the Lord, I will repay,” and “be ye angry, and sin not”. He’s telling me he’ll fight for me, to feel what I am feeling but don’t act up it, to only be still. –Ugh, how do you be still when… deep breath, Jesus. do your thing.

School is still giving me the run around about my paperwork on my SAP appeal, knowing I met every stipulation. I checked again today, and they informed me that mine would roll over, that they just hadn’t gotten around to the next semesters paperwork. Class starts in less about a month, this whole patience thing is hard, when you feel like you need to get every dot connected.

I bought a dog, “Maggie”. A German Shepherd/shredder/shedder. She will become mine and Eli’s service dog, ears for me and autism aid for Eli. — Bed buddy to the both of us. She’s going to be furiously cute.

I just need rest, but with the gazillion things to do, while mentally my mind is always processing something, whether its bills that has to be paid, appointments, or just wondering what underground pictures of lost ruins look like, it’s always processing something. I’m a rare form. Unless I’m sleeping, I’m pinging in something. Life just has me at that point.

Now, don’t get me wrong. My life is pretty awesome.

I have Jesus. I have family, I have Eli, and my pain is slowly beginning to talk to me again.

It’s just them days.

Now, let me tell you about my Jesus.

Yesterday, my mom, me and Eli made the 3-hour trip back to Lexington to have my ear looked at. While on the way, I broke down and told my sister and mom everything that my mind was going around, and just let it out. They know me well enough to know I wasn’t being my normal chatty, loving, blabber mouth self, I was just ugh. You feel me. After, getting all the dreadful what ifs off my chest, and saying I’m sorry for being a brat, I felt a relief come in.

Jesus began to use my big sister Belinda to comfort me with the story of the three Hebrew boys, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. He used her to remind me to not be shaken. He used her to remind me how the faith of these three Hebrew boys was tested, and how their dignity with the Lord was put to the test, even if it cost them their very lives. These boys were courageous, bold, and they were warriors for the Lord, when placed on the spot, as to whether they would bow or not, they replied, that they weren’t careful to answer, that God was able but, even if didn’t they still wouldn’t bow. Talk about a moment. Can you imagine being thrown in a furnace because you refuse to worship anything but the Lord? Think about this as a trial, the fear was there, it had to be there for the Hebrew boys, but still they chose courage and they chose to trust in the Lord and allow him to have his way despite what was in front of them, even if it cost them their life! Can you imagine having to take such a stand. With a whole crowd watching you, can you imagine the intensity of the moment, the fear, the hot headedness of the king? Can you imagine how furious Nebuchadnezzar II, must have been? It’s like a slap to the face, and off into the furnace they went. The furnace was so hot it killed the soldiers that opened the door to place them inside, and once they were placed inside that heat, — Jesus was there. Jesus used the very event that was supposed to kill and destroy the three Hebrew boys, and he got the glory.

This has been my life in a nutshell in the past weeks. I chose to go into the surgery with Jesus, I didn’t like the circumstance, but I went in anyways. I didn’t allow myself to bow, and it’s like the furnace in front of me got even hotter. Thank Goodness for sisters, who are mature in the Lord, and bold enough to tell me, stand, keep standing, for this is what Jesus has told me concerning you, God has you!! — My sister; a God sent. Jesus used her to remind me, it’s just the refining pot. I’m not going to be burned, and there’s another in the fire with me, its him, and he is with me. He was with me at that very moment in time, and as I write this, I know he’s with me now, and he’ll be with me tomorrow.

Any who, when in Lexington, we all like to stop at Sam’s club. I’m not sure if you are familiar with it, but it’s like Walmart, but you have to have a membership to get into the store, and you can buy in bulk, with exceptionally well prices, the only thing is, you don’t have bags, and there is a person at the doors that scans your receipts and looks for certain items in your cart and sometimes counts the amount of merchandise to see that it matches the amount your receipt says. I do my thing in the store, joking and cutting up with Eli, breathing because I know Jesus has me and I know I’m going to be ok. I check out, grab me and Eli a fountain Soda, and head towards the door.

The young lady at the door, looked retro modern rock, / punk. Sporting a Kiss shirt, with shaved sideburns, true to herself, beautiful in every way. —

The name on her badge:

Lily

I take a second look at her badge– it’s no coincidence, that’s when Jesus showed up again. —

I left the store thanking, and praising Jesus.

I may be down, but I am not forgotten. Jesus is ever comforting in my situation.

I went to the doctor directly after leaving Sam’s.

Long story short, my ear is healing. It looks good on the inside, there are no signs of infection. The doctor removed the steri-stips. With no warning, he just yanked them off, my reaction was priceless. Mom said she wished she could have gotten it on camera. He told me if he had warned me, I probably wouldn’t let him do it. All my stitches are almost dissolved. The numbness at the top of my ear, may or may not go away over time. I have this squishy feeling / sound on the inside of my ear. It sounds like a bunch of liquid moving around. I figured my doctor would remove any packing that was inside my ear to see what was behind it, however I found out, everything would dissolve on its own, and to keep my fingers out of it. So, no scratching my itchy ear! I was prescribed antibiotic drops and advised to finish all antibiotics my family doctor placed me on over the weekend. I was given more pain meds, but for whatever reason I am still hurting. I’m just in pain. Today, it’s not severe, but yesterday and the days prior I was hurting bad. God is in this story and he’s making me whole again, and I think it’s in more ways than one.

As I bring this blog to a close today, I want you to know, God is also in your story, you may not see him, feel him, or even know how to reach him again. You may feel like it’s been so long since you have talked to him personally about yourself, or you may even feel like what is the use, it won’t change the circumstances, and you may just be in this blah state of mind, however you are, it’s ok. It’s perfectly ok to feel how you are feeling, again let me point out, feel it, but please don’t allow it to separate you from Jesus, he only wants to heal you.

Getting close to Jesus is going to make you stronger, and letting him back in, will make that darkness turn to light.

I can see myself twirling in a field, with butterflies flying, birds chirping and me holding my dress, and I smile from ear to ear. I see light, I feel light. I’m reminded God is near, and he’s going to see me through this. — He is going to see you through you also. Hold on victory is coming.

I see a hand reached out, its not mine, its his, will you take it?

I love you, Jesus loves you most!

email me: christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

❤ Christie

The title itself says it all.

I still believe in Jesus.

I still believe in his goodness.

I still believe in the faithfulness of God.

I still believe in his promises.

I still believe.

Although I war in my flesh; and often at times the answers seem so far away; I know my God is near and he is who he says he is. He’s loyal, caring and he knows the hurt in one’s heart.

He never meant for our lives to be simple and he never meant for our lives to hurt; but he did intend for us to lean on him for every aspect; including but not limited to the questions, trials, misfortunes and good times.

Think about it; it’s easy to praise Jesus when we are on top of a mountain; blah blah blah, I’m sure you’ve heard that one before; but what about when you’re at the lowest of low? Can you find it within yourself to say “Jesus you’re still good? Can you say God I still love you?” Again, it’s probably easy for me to preach it considering I’ve never lived through your exact circumstances. I may not have lived you’re exact pain, trauma or life in general but to a certain degree I know and understand.

I still dream of my stepdad; and I still feel creepy feelings around certain people; some is discernment, some is PTSD. I have bad dreams, probably not a bad as yours, and I fear losing Eli because I feel as though I’ve lost so much with losing my pride and pain.

I pray for you, sometimes more than I pray for anyone else I pray for you. I pray that you give your heart back to Jesus and let him come in and mend the pain; I pray that he holds you when you can’t seem to find comfort or peace. I pray he lets you know all is well and he doesn’t mean for you to stay in the darkness. I pray he gives you the strength to walk out of the darkness into his glorious light; I pray he gives you the strength to still believe when everything seems so far away.

It’s hard at times; to be silently loud, yet softly spoken. It’s hard to believe when there is doubt on every corner, but when believing is all you have, why stop now. I believe things are going to turn around real soon. I have faith, love and hope and most importantly I have Jesus.

The impact that this journey has had on my faith is one I never expected; through the wind and rain and turmoil I still believe. Through the absence of social media and non-replying emails; I’m still believing. Through it all, I still believe.

My hearts desire is to grow deeper and more passionate about the cross during this time, and I pray you make your way back to him. It wasn’t his fault and you / we can’t believe every voice we hear in our heads. I struggle with this. Sometimes I hear things I know just aren’t Jesus. Try the spirit, if it doesn’t line up with Gods word, rebuke it. Hold to Jesus, remember Elijah found him in that still small voice. I’m praying for you to hear his voice; I know you feel him knock; even though you’re so numb I could literally pinch you and you’d probably not feel it. Pain changes people; trauma changes people, but it’s not supposed to make us hate Jesus. It’s supposed to make us lean closer on Jesus.

Oh; and a side note. I’m 5 / soon to be 6 days post opt. I finally took a shower and washed my head. eeeeww stinky; not really stinky. I stayed clean, I just didn’t feel like getting myself in the shower. My ear has stopped draining from the inside, the protective cover on the steri strips has came off; and I wasn’t in as much pain yesterday as I was today. I wonder if I am hurting is because I cleaned it. It’s hard telling. Im averaging taking pain meds 2-3 times daily with hopes that will be stopped by Friday. I go back to the doctor on 7/31/23. To my knowledge it will take up to 8 weeks before I’ll be released to ride roller coasters, or thrill rides. Hopefully for my bday I can let loose and go a little crazy.

Jesus dropped a blessing on me yesterday; I’d like to share it before I close.

My pain reached out to me. He told me he loved me and he was sorry for how he treated me & explained he just needed some space and didn’t know how to do it & a bonus he told me happy late Mother’s Day.

Even when I don’t see him moving; he never stops moving! You just have to believe.

I pray I’ve said something to help you!

Remember: I STILL BELIEVE

I love you and Jesus loves you most. He wants you to turn to him; with everything; and watch him turn your mourning to dancing!

Email me.

Christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

❤️Christie

Happy Sunday everyone!

Let’s go to church!

Psalm 122:1  I was glad when they said unto me, Let us go into the house of the Lord.

I’ll keep this one short and simple, I just wanted to update everyone. At this moment, I’m not going to call it being obedient to Jesus, because a part of me just wanted to write and update, —

Still no victory to the enemy

Hahaha!

I always pray and ask Jesus to have his way in these blogs, however I myself wanted to write last night and this morning too, but no pun intended, I’m a Jesus freak, so you know there’s going to be a message or something from him in here. —

I’m a little over 36 hours post operation.

My first night was a little rough, and yesterday I struggled. My throat felt a little scratchy and filled with phlegm where they had me intubated during surgery. I felt like my body just needed rest. For those of you that know me, knows, I go constantly. Even when I can rest, I don’t, & quite frankly, I should have made myself rest, I just couldn’t. I blame my inability to rest on the big bandage on my head as part of the reason and the other part was just me being stubborn. Thankfully about 7:30PM, I was able to remove the bandage that was wrapped around my head and relieve the pressure.

&, Danny brought my pea pie, Eli to me at Moms house. — squishy munchkin love.

I was so happy to see them both, as they both appeared to be happy to see me too.

With Eli saying, “You’re the best mommy ever”; and Danny voicing his concerns about me over taking my pain meds, I felt happy, just in pain. I will admit, I fully understand Danny’s concerns about me getting back on medication. I was a hell raiser, and hellcat for so many years, warring with him in his own home with multiple men, and I down right disgraced his name. I didn’t deserve to make it out of that life alone, much less my marriage be spared. But all things come to those who wait. —

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” – Psalm 27:14

After removing the bandage from my head, I spent the remainder of the evening at my big sister’s house, where I will be staying probably until after the 4th of July, on a bonus note, Eli is now with me.

There’s something about having him near to me that keeps me in peace, even if I did feel on guard about my left ear, maybe that was just normal with the trauma. He done so good, giving me multiple momma / baby sugars, and asking me mommy do you love me, how much do you love me.

His little personality lights up my room. He loves Jesus. My baby longs for Jesus. He wants to know about him and experience him. One of his favorite movies is the Passion of the Christ, and I have a feeling that he will be a cross collector like me. Hence, he got me in the bible store about a week ago, and hand picked out his first one (normally it’s toys, but that day, it was look; Mommy, there’s a cross, it has Jesus on it, can I have it?) I was not about to tell him no. It’s my heart’s desire to see him grow in all manner the way Jesus would have him to grow, and to be used of the Kingdom at whatever age Jesus sees fit to use him. Even babies praise Jesus. Now, he’s spunky too, one of his favorite past times is pestering TT, my youngest sister. He says he loves everyone but her as he has this cheesing grin on his face that lights up a room. She’ll tell him not to be saying something over and over again, and under his breath, he’ll whisper it, while cheesing from Kentucky to Mexico. He offer’s her money and then takes it back. He’s a little rotten boy who loves his aunt BB and TT. His meanness doesn’t phase T, he goes to her and gives her hugs and tells her he loves her at the end of the night. He’s just her pester box, and she’s his. She watched him come into the world, after seeing me labor 27plus hours, days I will never forget.

Matthew 21:16- And said unto him, Hearest thou what these say? And Jesus saith unto them, Yea; have ye never read, Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings thou hast perfected praise?

If he wants to praise Jesus, I’m going to encourage it, and while I’m at it, I’ll be as blunt as possible, I deter him from anything that goes against Gods word, such as boys kissing, or children dressing up as the opposite sex. Not to say I don’t allow him to be a child, but I do make sure he knows the truth, and it’s my responsibility as a Woman, Holy Ghost filled Child of God to make sure he is kept on the right track.

I do fail often, but Lord, please don’t let me fail with Eli.

— Back to my update—

At this moment, I am unable to open my jaw too far, I am assuming that is normal. I finally ate good last night. I no longer have to wear the bandage on my head; however, it is optional at night if I chose to. I’ll be honest, I am not going to put that thing back on me, it hurt. I am now allowed to wash my hair and clean the back of my ear with a Q-tip and hydrogen peroxide- but personally I’m not ready to touch it. I have a mixture of clear/bloody drainage from the inside of my left ear. The drainage is normal and could last for up to a week. My ear is beginning to itch, so healing is setting in. I have no facial nerve damage, praise Jesus, because I love to smile, and I anticipate my pain level to go down over the next several days. God is so good!

After getting my boy back with me, we spent the night lounging, watching Long Lost Family. While watching the show, I thought of my oldest kids, my pride and my pain. — Bittersweet. Thank goodness for Eli.

My family have gone out of the way to bend over and take care of me. Dad, Mom, my sisters, and church family have all been concerned with my healing, and how I am doing. My close inner circle has gotten so much tighter, I knew they said they’d be there for me, but let me brag a little, Jesus has used them to show me again, what family really is.

Mom took me to surgery, (again, she’s the mom she never had to be, they literally took me under their wing, about 2 years ago). She calls me her own, and even joked if I was whiney after surgery, she was going to tell the hospital she didn’t like whiney children to put me back to sleep. I love her so.

Dad, checked on me, making sure I took my medicine, so I wouldn’t be in pain.

My sisters are going above and beyond making sure my clothes are washed, and making sure that I am not bending over far, or lifting anything heavy, because of the pressure on my ear. My niece has joined right in and she’s helping too. They’re keeping Facebook updated and standing arm to arm with me during this recovery process.

I never thought my surgery would be such a big deal to anyone, except me, but Jesus showed me otherwise.

These people really love me, and I love them.

Here comes Jesus, and there he goes tearing down my walls again, like the walls of Jericho, they’re down, but let me tell you what a mighty fortress I have around my loved ones. I love them so much, I’d do anything for them, including lay my life down, and I have never loved like this since Daddy. — Jesus is on to something.

He’s turning my brokenness into completion, and he’s making beauty from ashes.

I wanted to write, and just let everyone know how I was a doing. It was on my heart to keep you in the loop. I feel obligated and led to let you know God is on your side, even if you feel like he’s not, or if you still feel forgotten.

I’ve said it before you’ll probably hate me by the time all this is done, but its urgent that you get back to Jesus and let him fulfill his plan. I can’t make you or force you to, but rather I can tell you he has big plans for you, and he wants to lead you out of that darkness. He wants to show you his love, even though you feel like he cost you all the love you had in your heart, even down to the details you don’t tell anyone, & its ok to feel that way, but please don’t keep shunning him out.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” 

He’s got big plans for you.

Some of my next blogs maybe shorter, and to the point.

The message of how much Jesus loves you, and how much he adores you is what keeps playing in my head. — You’re going to know it, and have it flooding through your bones one day, and you’ll realize his plan is perfect.

Until then, remember I’m still here,

And you should start writing more.

I love you all, and Jesus loves you most!

❤ Christie

I am Ok.

I am doing good, and I have God on my side.

I’d like to fill you in on all the details, but I will only write what the Lord wills me to write, again I refuse to lead myself, and I always pray prior to writing. Lord lead, me to do thy will, and to hear what the spirit has to say. I always pray, he takes over and leads me.

Today, was eventful. —

I left home about 8:30AM arriving at my mom’s house around 8:45AM and leaving for Lexington about 9:10AM. My arrival time was set for 12:00PM, with surgery scheduled to being at 2pm, however while stopping and getting gas, the hospital called and said they were able to get me in sooner. I proceeded to tell them, I live about three hours away and 12:00PM was the best I could do. With that being said, the Journey began.

The trip down to the hospital was topsy turvy. I had a presence of peace on me that surpassed all peace. I had God’s presence with me, Jesus himself was in my midst. I could feel him. I was nervous to say the least, but I still had peace.

You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You. Isaiah 26:3

Here comes the topsy part; one minute I was up, the next minute I was down. One minute I knew Jesus had me, the next minute I knew he still had me, but I was worried about all the wrongs I had done in my past that went against his word. I know people mess up daily, but I am also aware (not to be a know it all) (again I type how he gives it) How a tree falls so shall it rise. If we fall in sin, or without JESUS in our hearts, we will go hell. Even Christians can go to hell, why because they take wrong turns and get entangled on the wrong path, following the world, and deterring away from the ways of the Lord. When he says to not do something he means it. — This part, I’ll eat myself, (I always preach to myself and reread these blogs, so I eat them myself before posting for anyone else) Which brings me to this part, That do not fear and unbelieving part in the bible refers to me. I fought fear to hell and back today. The nerves were normal, but the fear, I rebuke that in the name of Jesus, and today, I prayed my way through it, while freaking out in the process.

But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death (Revelations 21:8)

I’ll elaborate further.

When I got to the hospital, the turvy came.

While registering in the surgery waiting area, upstairs called to make sure I was arriving, boy was they waiting and ready for me. Jesus please slow time down, I’m not ready, but you are, and they are. I know you are going to heal me through this, but I’m not ready, nevertheless, not my will but thy will.

Arm band on, time to go upstairs to pre-opt. I can’t breathe, I do not want this, Jesus why.

Inside the pre-op room, the process started moving fast. They began asking me a hundred required precautionary questions. Are you allergic to this med or that med? Are you pregnant? When was the last time you ate, and have you ever had any issues with anesthesia?

And my mouth begins to open! (You can roll your eyes)

I told the anesthesiologist that I didn’t want his drugs and I asked them if they could gas me like a turkey? I was crying, fearful, and pouting, and I asked my mom to have the surgery for me. I further told my mom that if it wasn’t for her bringing me, I would have bailed out of it. I still felt Jesus telling me to let him have his way, but I made sure those doctors felt me and my concerns as well as my fears, tears, and country holler fed mouth. They asked me what I was so scared of, and I told them, your drugs; I do not want them, and I’m scared they’ll stop me from breathing and I am scared I won’t see my son again. I just wanted to see Eli’s face. FYI, the anesthesiologist informed me, that they’d stop my breathing in the back and take over breathing for me. Mentally, I was thinking excuse me, buddy here I am freaking out and you’re telling me you’re going to stop my breathing, way to go buddy. Later I found out, my mom was beside me shaking her head, like shut up, don’t tell her that, but verbally she kept her words to herself, I’m thinking I was blabbing enough. The doctor himself came in and asked what I was so scared of, and I explained those drugs, and he proceeded to tell me, I had gone through rougher surgeries in my past under Dr, Jones, gosh, love his personality too, he told me I could not tell him how to do his job. – yes, I rolled my eyes, these doctors pretty much told me to suck it up, they couldn’t force me to do it, but it needed to be done. I’m pretty sure I told them, I’m just worried, I’d get over it. while grumbling the whole time, crying my eyes out. They walked out, and was ready to take me back, I’m like no wait a minute! I need to talk to my husband and kid. (Eli was asleep when I left and I hadn’t saw his pretty face yet, and I told Danny I’d call him back, and I hadn’t never let him know I was at the hospital). First, I got my friend Jessica to call me, (she’s special, the Lord used her to lead me to him, and she’s my helper in Jesus, while I am your witness, she is my helper- I don’t know what the difference is, but it is what it is). She called and I told her I’m scared I won’t wake up, I gave her the spill I gave the doctors, her prayer was soothing, but little ole me was still frantic, next I called Danny, I could see the nurses walking back and forth like hurry up, while acting as patient as can be with me. Seeing Eli lit up my eyes, my precious boy, who loves me more than the sky is blue, I just don’t want to leave you alone without a mom, God he’s already loss so much with losing his brother and sister (please bring them back soon—> I’m rambling) just hearing him talk to me made me cry some more, I told him I’d be ok and that I had Jesus on myside. Saying and believing are two different things but today, I and every day from here on out I refuse to believe anything less than what Jesus says to me, I am his child, and he is for me. OH, and Danny too I knew he was worried for me, and he loves, and I’ve fought too long for his soul to stop fighting now. The war has only begun. I knew it was time to get off the phone and get the show on the road. I motioned for the nurse, and the little man with the fuddy duddy drugs, it was show time!

Fear lets fight!

Rock and roll,

Jesus holds my life in his hands, and I surrender to him, not to you!

I’ll never bow to you, and I’ll forever bow before Jesus. He is for me, not against me, and he has my back, even in the fire, floods, rain, wind and hailstorms, he has me. —

Praying while the meds go in, this stuff isn’t phasing me. –maybe a little, but not like I expected it to, and no anaphylaxis, take that devil! (Spit in face like a boxer) You can’t cross the bloodline.

They push me out, I see an exit, and tell them, you can just take me to my car if you want. – I got to pee. Can I go pee? That didn’t work, they gracefully informed me it was my nerves, that I had just peed right before that.

OPERATING ROOM.

I scooted over to the operating table and started to pray. I prayed and prayed and prayed and talked to Jesus. That’s when I first saw it. AN IRON CLAD GATE. it had two large gates that were to open in the middle, the color was brass and there was a round handle on each gate used for knocking. (Think fancy mid-evil period; or hell’s gate) behind the gates I saw red like flames but not actually flames, you could tell there was flame lit lighting and it was as if when you opened the gates it would be directly behind the entrance, laying on the ground, leading to a burning bottomless pit that leads to a fire filled abyss. A place no one wants to go.

I continue to pray and press on; I can’t turn back. Please Jesus I want to see my family again, I promised you I’d do everything I can do to please you, and I’ll press in, I’ll read, pray and fast (not advertising when I fast, I do not believe in boasting of fasting, it is done in secret before Jesus, and he will reward openly). I’ll speak what you would have me to speak and go where you would have me to go. Lord I’m praying for a double portion of Elijah’s anointing, and I’ll press in to get it.

But why the gate?

I continue to pray, the nurse tried to mask me, but I couldn’t breath or pray with that thing on my face, I could tell she was doing this eye talk with the anesthesia guy, I felt the knockout juice flow in, and I still pressed to pray. I prayed and prayed and prayed, assuming she turned on some gas, she asked me to take some deep breaths, and I was out. — I kept his name on my lips as I took my last breath, and they restarted it.

Recovery–

They began to wake me up on the way back to the room shortly after the surgery was over. While they were wheeling my bed to the recovery room, I started rubbing my eyes, and telling them I needed to pee. They told me not to rub my eyes, and I insisted on rubbing them, again they told me not to do it, I was like you do it then, they’re itchy. (Turns out not being allowed to rub my eyes directly after surgery was to prevent a getting a possible cornea abrasion, which sometimes occurs after surgery because the eye muscles aren’t back functioning properly) Still, they were itchy, and I was bratty. And I was telling them to get my Mommy! I’m pretty sure they doctors got a kick out of me, being as old as I am, and as whiney as I was. I had to pee, and I made that clear, they offered to let me walk, but I wasn’t ready to do that, but I needed to go, they got some wand thing, what on earth was that. I’m not wetting the bed, get me a bedpan. I’m a feisty one LOL.

I requested something for pain, and I requested meds to take home.

Mommy came back to my recovery room. I was back to myself quicker than normal. Another prayer was answered!! I was only in recovery about 45 minutes to an hour. –I called Eli, and started posting updates in messenger. I made a vow to Jesus this morning, and awhile back that I’d write. I’d write through my blogs. I’d write whatever he gave me, and nothing more or anything less.

Turns out, they ended up removing a cholesterol granuloma, which is a rare, benign (noncancerous) cyst that can occur at the tip of the petrous apex, a part of the skull that is next to the middle ear. Cholesterol granulomas are expanding masses that contain fluids, lipids, and cholesterol crystals, surrounded by a fibrous lining, if left untreated, it can eventually cause hearing loss, facial numbness, bone depletion and severe headaches.

I’ll be staying with my sisters tonight, tomorrow night, and maybe Sunday night, while I have to take the pain meds. I won’t over do them, but I would also rather be here during the first few days of my recovery. —

I’m so thankful for everyone that has reached out to me and checked on me. To the ones who let me know they’re there, and they care. I’m so thankful. My heart is at peace, and I promise to be a better vessel not only for Jesus but for you all, if my light is dim, how am I really leading you? It’s the same as trickery or living a lie and that’s not me.

—-

Let’s backtrack a little bit,

While we all fall short of the glory of God, Children of God are on deadly ground when they choose to deny Christ and play with sin. Have you ever heard if you play with fire, you will get burned? Well, if I / you choose to walk away from the light, more so me, and to walk into the fire I would have found myself burning in a devil’s hell. — I love Jesus more than I love myself, but I was falling away. Hence, he lead me away, he protected me then like he protected me today during surgery.

I’m still here, waiting patiently for Jesus to fulfill his promise. I’ve only left it in his hands and removed it from my own. I laid it down at the altar, and said “Jesus, not my will but your will.”

One thing I’m realizing is, we can wreck God’s plans by taking them into our own hands and rushing things; think Issac and Ismael, — Sarah, told Abraham to go into Hagar, even though God had clearly said she would bear a child herself.

so she said to Abram, “The LORD has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my slave; perhaps I can build a family through her.” Abram agreed to what Sarai said. (Genesis 16:2)

I don’t want to wreck God’s plans when I know he is faithful, and he won’t lie. When God fulfills his promise there won’t be sin in it. Why because God hates sin. Not saying he hates you, but the very acts and deeds that separate us from him, are not pleasing in his eyes. I cannot live in the moment, because I know he controls my moments, and he’s the keeper of my breath. He tells me, to follow him, and he’ll give me the desires of my heart. — The part that says follow also means do not take detours, to get to it faster than he has planned, why because it messes things up.

I encourage everyone, who is reading this, or who will read this to get closer to Jesus, let him prepare your heart to receive his promises he’s made to you, and don’t be deceived, take Jesus for his word, and his word alone.

Oh, and as for the iron clad gate, — I’m going knocking on it, and your soul is one of the ones I’m fighting for!

I pray I have said something to help you.

& Thank you again to all who messaged me–

Faith, love and hope, the greatest of these is love! (Corinthians 13:13)

Spero- As long as I breath, I hope.

He told me witness, nothing more, nothing less, but I pray often Lord, let me be your witness. —-

email me,-

christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

❤ Christie.

(I saw this beauty on Thursday, while having a moment, Jesus never fails to amaze me)