For His Glory

I’m hurting.

Obedience means compliance with an order, request, or law or submission to another’s authority.

Jesus tells me in his word “He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: But whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.” Proverbs 28:13

Obedience is hard at times. It requires us to make decisions that are beyond what our flesh wants, but when it comes to our personal walk with Jesus obedience is required.

What you’re witnessing is my obedience to his command. It’s not absence, or denial, it’s not even turning my back or my face. Its obedience to the cross that carried and still carries my sins away.

The upcoming days will be the hardest days of this year I’ll face. I’ll be living dead, smiling, giggling, rejoicing, empty, numb, lifeless, and alive all at once.

I have got to be about the father’s business-like Jesus was. I want you to read, I want you see, but I want you grow closer to Jesus.

Hebrews 12:1 Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us.

Philippians 3:14 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus

One day, I’m going to walk on Heaven’s shore with my master, but for now I’m called to the front line to battle this world of wickedness.

I cannot battle this world of wickedness if I’m holding on to something Jesus told me to lay down. –And neither can you. (The fear has to go too. We have to be willing to trust Jesus with every fiber in us. We have to be willing to trust an unknown future to an all known and all loving God. We have to we willing to walk on the water even if we can’t stand in it)

Today is Christmas, I go back to work tomorrow (Monday). I’m broken. Her birthday is Wednesday.

As I deny my flesh, I’m holding to his promises. I’m still holding on, even though I had to let go.

Watch me grow and allow yourself to be transplanted into his arms again.

To love like Jesus means to lay down my life for the well-being of others. To love like Jesus means to lay down my own wants so much, to where my wants begin to look like his wants. To love like Jesus means to be obedient even when it cost us what feels like everything. To love like Jesus means to serve, believe, and stay humble. To love like Jesus means to press on even when the enemy is closing in. To love like Jesus means to give it all I have, even if all I have is my last breath.

I can see an image of a warrior fighting as I’m typing. There are two warriors fighting side by side, the light from the rising sun is shining on the warrior on the right. The one on the left is almost standing in darkness, it’s as though the one on the right is doing most of the fighting for the two. The crowd is many, but the slaying is great, for they are not outnumbered, they have the army of the living God fighting for them.

Ezekiel 33:1-6 The word of the Lord came to me:  “Son of man, speak to your people and say to them: ‘When I bring the sword against a land, and the people of the land choose one of their men and make him their watchman,  and he sees the sword coming against the land and blows the trumpet to warn the people, then if anyone hears the trumpet but does not heed the warning and the sword comes and takes their life, their blood will be on their own head.  Since they heard the sound of the trumpet but did not heed the warning, their blood will be on their own head. If they had heeded the warning, they would have saved themselves.  But if the watchman sees the sword coming and does not blow the trumpet to warn the people and the sword comes and takes someone’s life, that person’s life will be taken because of their sin, but I will hold the watchman accountable for their blood.’

Jesus is coming back! When I first started this journey with him, I was given a dream by him in the middle of the night. I saw Jaylah, and she told me, “We have to leave soon, and you need to prepare.”

The words I speak to you, I speak to all. We have to leave soon; I urge you to prepare.

God’s promises will be fulfilled but, in the waiting, there is preparation, dedication, rededication, meditation, supplication, and separation that has to take place. We have to have our hearts fixated on him. We have to keep our minds clear of the entanglements of this world.

We are to rise to the front lines, go out on the battlefield, and lead the lost back to him.

The bible says also, not everyone will enter in.

Matthew 7:21-Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.

It’s time to look to Jesus, and not look back.

I love you all ❤

Jesus loves you most ❤

Christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

Christie ❤

Turbulence-The violent or unsteady movement of air or water, or of some other fluid. Turbulence also means conflict or confusion. Similar words are turmoil, unrest and instability.

It’s December. I can’t breathe.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, the next day is Christmas, and then follows her birthday on Wednesday. My world is crazy. My mind is a whirlwind, inside another whirlwind, that’s inside one of those little handheld tornado simulators (a child’s toy) and the devil himself is shaking it!

Then I breathe in, I exhale. I cry.

I beg and plead, Lord restore, and I know he’s going to, but this waiting is not for the faint of heart.

I suffocate. Then there’s Jesus.

The past few days have been hard to swallow. Syrus informed me his girlfriend broke up him, he relapsed, drank some, and then decided to hit a marijuana pen. At first, he said he’d never do it again; then it was all big boy, macho, living the frat boy life, when I’m only 15 years old attitude. I wanted to scream; I did. Don’t act like Ya’ll don’t at times. Them elderly woman sometimes had wooden spoons they smacked people with, my spoon is my mouth. I know it’s not well, but at times we all lose it. I lost it. I remind myself, I know, I know, I know God can and he will restore. Look at me. He did it with me, surely, he will with my Syrus. Oh, the waiting. Did I mention, it’s close to Christmas, and her birthday?

Yesterday, was awful. I had a very bad moment, (Yes, I’m a child of God and my world isn’t so prefect; Jesus is perfect, but my world, is a living testimony of a very much alive Jesus who always intervenes and shows me he’s still there). Yesterday, I found myself curled up in my bed crying, with thoughts entering into my mind that wasn’t my own. I found myself thinking about the afterlife and how easy it would be to just go. Only the afterlife that I would be entering isn’t the one that I long for. If I would have done what the devil was telling me to do, I would have woken up in hell.

No, I don’t need a shrink. No I don’t need help. I’m perfectly Okay.

I begin to talk to my Christian circle. I began to get it off my chest, and I began to let Jesus infiltrate my mind with his words, through their mouth. They’re willing vessels. Vessels willing, to listen, but vessels willing to speak what the spirit tells them. They’re the epitome of the verse, two are better than one, if the one shall fall the other shall pick them up. (Reference verse Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

I found myself in my bedroom floor and began to cry out to Jesus. I began to cry out and ask him for help, I began to cry out and tell him I was sorry for lashing out, and for my sins. I began to pour out the pain into him. I began to ask him to help me, and to comfort me. I began to ask him to anoint every part of me, from my head to my feet and to show me what to do with my family, so I could do his will.

That’s when I saw it. The mental image in my mind. It was clear, and the more I thought about it, the more details I could see, including the message Jesus was giving me.

There was a man standing on the shore, in front of him was the ocean, and on the horizon, there was a storm, the storm was the color of deep blue hues, surrounded by darkness, with shelf clouds that stretched from the sky to the water beneath. — This man was standing at an angle, with his left hand raise up, as though he was holding the storm in attention. This man’s appearance was one like I’ve never saw before. He had on a robe, it was cream white, with a rope of 2-3 woven cords tied around his waist. His hair was the color brown, and it came to his shoulders, not curly, not straight, but natural; like that typical fluffy, combed through male hair. But he was beautiful. And to see him standing there on the shore, holding back the storm…. I would say breath taking, but it was more of breath giving. I had peace come to me; a peace that came in instantly and that hasn’t left me since. I still hurt, but I have peace in my presence. A peace that only Jesus can give. I believe that man was Jesus, I believe I saw his hinder parts, or back side.

When I think about what I saw, I remember the part in the bible how the disciples were out on the sea of Galilee, and wind and storm began to rage. I remember where they saw Jesus walking on the water and at first, they thought he was a spirit. I remember how he told them to not be afraid, and they were reassured. Peter said to him “Lord if it be you, bid me to walk on the water”, and Jesus said “Come.” Peter was then able to walk on the water as long as he didn’t take his eyes off Jesus, and the very storm that was mean to drown him, became his testimony, until his faith got weak, and Jesus being the Lord he is, still came to his rescue. After rescuing Peter, both of them climbed into the boat together, and the storm ceased.

Note: I think a lot of us are like Peter at times, Lord if you will, I will, but then we get weak and begin to sink, but we as humans today go one more step and just stop, but remember in the bible, Jesus helped Peter and he carried on his mission for Jesus, he didn’t stop. –When storms arise, we are meant to go on and not stop. –A lesson from the Apostle Peter.

Yesterday, I finished up my day, by getting cleaned up and going to church.

Jesus wasn’t finished. He used my mom to tell me, he’ll bring her back, and on my way to church, there was a song that hit me. Take a minute to read the lyrics: I pray they hit you the same as they did me.

Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you? If there’s a God who loves you, where is he now? Or maybe there are things you can’t see, and all those things are happening to bring a better ending. . My friend you know how all this ends, and you know where you are going, you just don’t know how you’ll get there. So say a prayer, cause there is Good for those who love God, But. life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time, but you’ll see the bigger picture. Once you feel the weight of glory, all your pain will fade to memory. Would you dare to believe, that you still have a reason to sing, cause the pain you have been feeling can’t compare to the joy that’s coming. Before the Morning–Josh Wilson.

That hit me like a ton of bricks. I may not know why all this is happening. I may not know why I have to hurt or why you have to hurt, but I do know there is joy ahead. I know that there is joy in the Lord, even in the waiting. I know that one day, all this sorrow, all this pain, all this sowing, and will soon turn into a harvest that’s plentiful.

Right now, we must endure the turbulence.

This turbulence may knock you down, but it’s not intended to take you out. Just like Peter on the boat, or even me when my mind is in the air, keep your eyes on the cross, and you’ll make it to shore. You’ll see those gray sky’s fade away. You’ll see the hope of our salvation shine upon you, you’ll see why you had to wait, you’ll see why you wasn’t able to fully understand, and you’ll see, it was worth it all.

Yesterday, I did a thing. I thanked Jesus for letting me see her, for letting me hold her, and for letting me hear her speak to me, and for letting me interact with her. Even if it happens in my dreams, I still thank him for those moments, because no one can take that from me, they are gifts from him.

Romans-8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Corinthians 13:13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity

Song of Soloman 2:1,6 -And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity, His left hand is under my head, and his right hand doth embrace me.

Let him love you and let him hold you.

I pray I’ve said something to help someone. I pray God’s word, and his presence comes in like a flood, and he redeems you. I pray you receive his spirit, and his healing. I pray you let him nurture you. I pray you realize that even God’s children are flawed, but he loves us flawed and all. It’s his perfect love, mercy, and grace that keeps us going.

If my life was a perfect, princess fairy tale, I’d break stuff and make it messy.

Jesus has a way of taking the messy and turning it into his masterpieces. Look at David, he lusted after a woman, had her husband killed, and he was said to be a man after God’s own heart. Look at Paul, he was killing God’s chosen people, but let me tell you, Jesus got a hold him when he least expected it, and what a man he turned out to be, one of God’s very own elect!

Think about that, if we just let him, direct, he’ll take our lives and turn them into faith shaped, masterpieces. He has mine, are you going to give him yours?

As for the turbulence, its raging, as for Jesus, he’s healing, as for me I’m waiting, and serving while I wait.

Take my life Lord, and let it be all that you would have it to be. Hold me as I cry, mend me as I pray, and grow me Lord as I wait.

Wait for what you say?

All the promises of God!

I love you all ❤

Jesus loves you most ❤

Let’s talk Jesus. Not my personal life, you get that from my blogs. ❤

Christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

Christie ❤

❤ Blessed is she who believed the Lord would fulfill his promises to her ❤ Luke 1:45

December Hurts.

But in the hurt, there is growth.

I didn’t have anything to write tonight. But. this little nudge, kept nudging, and kept nudging; again, I was persistent with “I have nothing to write.” I will supply” replied the nudge. –

So, I offer myself to the one who does the nudging, to the one who does the leading, and to the one who is behind the purpose and reason for my blogs, My Savior Jesus.

I needed scripture. I was given a song;

Press on Morning’s Coming; by C.T and Becky Townsend.

What are you saying Jesus. Here it floods. He takes the lead.

I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus-Philippians 3:14

Wherefore seeing we are also compassed about with so great cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us. Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down on the right hand of the throne of God. For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds-Hebrews 12:1-3

Sometimes we have to do things that don’t feel good. Sometimes we have to make hard decisions, decisions that normally wouldn’t make, but sometimes and often in our walks with Christ, we have to lay aside our wants for the will of Jesus.

This is Growth! Think about a seed. Small, placed into dirt or ground. The seed is watered, and nurtured, a plant emerges. Pruning takes place. Pruning hurts the exterior, but the inside, flourishes! The plant grows, and grows, the flower emerges, and at the end of each season of growth, other seeds can be harvested from the plant itself, ultimately producing more crop and harvest for the next season.

We have to Grow. We can’t stay the same. We were never meant to just be planted. We are meant to grow. We were meant to preach, teach, share, care, plow, sow, lend, and be there for others. We were meant for more. We were never meant to stay in the dark, we were meant to fully come to the light. Remember it takes light and heat for a seed to grow. If something or someone is settled into the dark, they can’t see clearly, all they see is what surrounds the dark. Pain, depression, sadness, shackles, death, misery, chaos, please just stop, trigger warning! YOU must come to the light to grow. The light is where the warmth is. The light is where the sunshine is, the light is where the mending is, the light is where the sorrow begins to heal, and joy sets in.

Where do you get that light? In Jesus himself.

I sat in darkness. Many, many years.

I’m no longer the darkness that once surrounded me.

I’m pressing on, with or without anyone with me. Jesus before me, the past behind me. I’m pressing on, I don’t want to go alone. But I will. I won’t stop.

Jesus has brought back meaning, strength, desire, and fire! Jesus has brought back my joy.

December is hard.

December is Her birthday. She’s not talking to me. She hates me. She is my only little girl. She has grown up and I don’t even know her. She’s not the baby I once had, she’ll be 14. She’s my tears, she’s my cry in the middle of the night, she is my pain. This isn’t some normal teenager mad at their mom, this is a I made her mad beyond measure, I disrespected her with my big mouth. She’s always been miss independent, and expected her to be this controllable baby, when she was never meant to be controlled, she was meant to be loved and I blew it. I blew it with my only Baby J. I got these rotten boys, whom I love so much. Oh, how it’s fun to get them in public and announce my loves for them, or offer sugar, (yes, I’m that mom). But what about her. Misery doesn’t want company; in fact, Misery doesn’t want anyone to feel this. Misery prays for comfort only Jesus can give.

Jesus used Judy to give me a gift. I say Jesus because he knew that I would know it was from him, oh how I wept.

A stuffed animal plushy of Jaylah’s. — multicolored, oh how I love Rainbows. –Did I mention it was an owl? Jesus showed up! I’m just waiting on him to show out. ❤

You have got to press in. Even if you do not want to, you have to.

We all have to press in. Jesus is coming soon. Very few will go with him. He tells us in his word, a third part will be brought through the fire, and they will be refined, and he’ll be their god, and they’ll be his children.

And I will bring the third part through the fire, and will refine them as silver is refined, and will try them as gold is tried: they shall call on my name, and I will hear them: I will say, It is my people: and they shall say, The LORD is my God.–Zechariah 13:9

Let the fire purify you, not consume you. —-

I love you all, ❤

I’m always here. ❤

Let’s talk Jesus ❤

❤ Jesus loves you more than you could ever imagine, and his arms are stretched out for you ❤

❤ Christie

Christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

Obedience. One little word that requires a lot at times.

The full meaning of obedience is to comply with an order, request, or law or submission to another’s authority.

Now, let us go a little further.

Obedience to Jesus. – Ouch. I’m stepping on toes; believe me it steps on mine too. Often when I think I am in the right, I am found in the wrong, because I am only found right in my flesh, and I’m found unright or unrighteous in my spirit, what spirit, the spirit of the Lord that lives within me, the spirit that corrects me, guides me, leads me and also (ouch here it comes again,) the spirit that convicts me.

Do you pray for conviction over your wrongs? I do. I always want Jesus to convict me. As long as he’s convicting me, he’s keeping my sinful nature in line, and it reminds me I am his, and I know he does it out of love, just like we discipline our children out of love.

For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth —Hebrews 12:6

So, what is obedience to Jesus?

Obedience to Jesus is fully surrendering to Jesus. Its fully giving him your heart, soul, mind and life. It’s taking everything and laying it at the foot of Jesus. Its saying God, this life is not my own, you gave it to me, now Jesus, my Lord and King, I surrender it back to you. Take my life and let it be what you will have it to be. Only say the word Jesus, I’ll go, say and do all that you would have me to do. Fill me with the Holy Ghost Jesus so I can withstand against all that life throws at me. Fill me with the Holy Ghost Jesus, so I can fully understand your word, your ways, and your plans for my life. Jesus let me as bold as the prophets of old. Let me be like Daniel who slept with the lions, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendego who danced in the fire. Let me be like David who slew his Goliath. Let me be like Job who lost it all, begged for death, but still refused to curse you and die. Let me be like Joseph who was sent ahead of his brethren, although Joseph didn’t understand, he persevered and all things worked out for not only his good, but their good, because You my Lord, hold the bigger plan. You my Lord, know the ending before we ever know the beginning. Most importantly Jesus, let me be like you! Harmless as a Dove, but wise as a serpent. I’m not sure I could ever hold my peace if someone spit in my face physically, now spiritually people spit all the time (Confession, at times I fail at holding my peace. I am not perfect. I am human, But Jesus, I desire to be like you, even if I have to bite my tongue off, swallow it and choke on it. Bad reference but we all know serving Jesus is the best thing in life, but it also has its challenges. We go through FIRES).

So, why the topic of Obedience this time…

Because recently, I’ve had to do one of the hardest tasks I never wanted to. Jesus knows what exactly it was and if you know me well enough you know I had to do too for HIM (meaning there was no getting around it.) Like Abraham, I had to lay down my ISSAC. My Issaac was my clutch, my Issaac was my wonder, my Issaac was what I cleaved to more than Jesus. My Issaac was what I wanted in my flesh more than obedience in my spirit. My Issaac is what I desired in my life more than the cross, there I said it. I loved Jesus, but I was placing my Issaac and how I thought the events surrounding my Issaac should or would play out. I daydreamed constantly about my Issaac.

But then Jesus.

Jesus began to deal with me over my Issaac. The more I prayed for Issaac, the more he would tell me to really lay Issaac down, or I was going to lose everything he ever promised me including, the salvation of my husband, and my best friend having a child, much less bearing witness to Issaac. The only thing I was showing Issaac was its ok to keep adulterous feelings hidden within your heart. But you see, Jesus knows all, sees all, reveals all, and deals with his children on all. Even though there was no physical sin taking place between me and Issaac, there was a hidden sin within my heart that Jesus began to deal with me on. Jesus tells us no sin will enter into heaven. Jesus knew I loved him, and desired to serve him, grow with him, and become who he has called me to be, but Issaac was standing in my way. It’s not Issaac’s fault. Issaac saw light, but I dimmed God’s true light by not listening a year ago when Jesus first told me to lay him down. I wanted Issaac so bad in my life, that I would create excuses to keep him, excuses don’t work with Jesus. God’s word tells us faith without works is dead. Abraham was willing to sacrifice Issaac on the altar, he was really going to kill him, but God made a way.

I had to sacrifice Issaac. I done it for Jesus. But God made a way, and I still selfishly pray God as long as I am fully obedient this time, please let me bear witness in person. I even placed it in the prayer box at church, nevertheless, Oh Lord, even if it doesn’t happen, thy will be done. I accept thy will over my own life. My righteousness is but filthy rags, meaning even the saints of God sin, and we are scarcely saved, we are saved because we have an atonement /advocate with God for our sins which is Christ Jesus. We can pray and seek forgiveness but let me place this warning of Urgency, I also know no sin is going to enter into heaven, how a tree falls, so shall it lay. If we die in sin, we will be raised sin also.

All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away. Isaiah 64:6

My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous:-1 John 2:2

I laid Issaac down on the altar, the nights that followed were hard. I cried, I snotted, I swore that I’d fight the enemy still, I promised I’d go after every soul the devil was taking from me, I promised I’d seek God in my prayer closet, and that I would not go down without vengeance. For the enemy to use Issaac against me of all people, the signs, the waiting, the hurting and the pain. I became livid. I’ll not stop until I make Hell empty and Heaven full. I won’t stop, I won’t stop. I won’t stop. Sin is sin, I don’t stand for it, but pain is pain, and Jesus used Issaac as a wakeup call to how easily the devil uses cracks in our Armour to make us fall.

Love, hopelessness, pain, depression, bad romance, in contentment –all my cracks. My Issaac filled them all. Jesus said no, he filled them with sin, and as my child, I expect you to purge it. It wasn’t Issaac’s fault, again it was mine. Now, Jesus has filled these cracks.

So, how did Jesus make a way for me to keep my Issaac?

My Blogs. Issaac is to read them; Issaac is to reflect upon them. Issaac is to see that God isn’t finished yet! Issaac is to see that Jesus is raising up a standard against the enemy and he wants him/her/them/they to be a part of it. Issaac is to lay it all down on the foot of the Cross and say, God I cannot but you can. I placed all the pronouns because I do not know what your Issaac is, I only know what mine is,

You know I even started doubting God’s promises, especially when I had to lay Issaac down, but Jesus showed me, again it’s in his timing not mine, but it requires full not, partial, not half, but full obedience.

Let me witness to you how fast Jesus has started working, 2 days after I laid down Issaac, Danny went to church, my best friend even encouraged me to hold to God’s promises, and to not stop church, because let’s be real, I wanted to. God has shown me the signs are following my daughter too. I had a dream, and the owls were everywhere hidden, she may not see them but, it was comfort knowing Jesus is surrounding her. I see the signs more prominent now, and I am an avid collector. Cracker Barrell Country store is my favorite place to shop, oh the owls. A lady walked in work on the day of our Christmas party, the ladybugs on her shirt caught my attention. Eli took a test at school, at the top of his paper was a ladybug. I’m overwhelmed, but I have comfort in knowing I am forgiven, and Jesus is about to take me to the next level with him, because of Obedience.

You see, Jesus told me if I wanted real growth, and to be his witness, I had to lay my Issaac down. My heart is broken, but now my Heavenly Father is proud.

Follow my blogs.

I pray you have the strength to lay your Issaac down, or Issaacs, because to some there is more than one. Also, an Issaac doesn’t always have to be a person, it can be anything that you are cleaving to more than Jesus. Whatever Jesus is telling you to lay down, trust he’ll make each day easier, but the first day or so will be toughest. I know I’m living it.

Jesus has my Issaac, and I’m that Warrior, Issaac first saw, not the harlot I portrayed.

Oh! and Bonus Blessing!

I passed my first semester in college!

2 A’s and 2 B’s 3.3 GPA— Jesus was helping me so much on that last anatomy exam that I was giggling. I never studied. I got a 90%. My God is faithful!

Child of God

Warrior of Faith!

I won’t be shaken!

Nothing is better than Jesus!

I’m not afraid to you my weakness, my failures, and flaws he’s saw them all and he still calls me friend.

Remember I love you!

Jesus loves you most!

He’s making beauty from Ashes, and the broken pieces are coming back together because he has spoken it.

Email me if you need me. Let’s talk Jesus!

christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

❤ Christie

He gets all praise, he’s turning my mourning into dancing.

Abraham prayed for the day God would give him a son, blessed Isaac was his name, The greatest gift he’d ever known. Then came the day, who would have dreamed God would say “Give him to me, on this mountain you will prove,
It’s you and Isaac, or it’s me and you. Most of us I’d dare to say, we have an Isaac in God’s way on the Altar God will prove it’s not your Isaac that he wants
He wants you. When I lay my Isaac down with a Broken heart but my Fathers proud On this altar here he lays Just to find it wasn’t him he/(God) wanted me

Here’s a song about a life from darkness I believe, you’re only getting started. (Jeremy Camp)

❤ 1 Corinthians 13:13 ❤

The past three weeks have been a blur.

The pain has caused the days to turn to haze and my nights to tears. I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed. I know God is still there and he’s still good and I know this pain will leave.

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away. Revelations 21:4

I know someday everything I’ve been praying for will comes to past, it will turn to fruit. I will reap tears of joy, instead of the silent tears of heartache that’s been slicing my heart open.

You wonder what’s been bothering me?

Everything.

While praying for my husband, my home has turned into a hell zone. While filtering my own mouth, with the hand of the Lord holding it shut, the devil has used him to wreak havoc into my soul. Two-three days ago, I was given a dream, where I saw him verbally downing me in the dream, I remember telling him the bible says, “Touch not my anointed and do my prophets no harm,” and that I was God’s anointed, and then I remember being told in the dream, that he’s around the corner. While meditating upon the dream, I began to think about a race, and how once you turn that corner you can see the finish line, and at the finish line, Jesus is standing there to hold him, love him and give him new life. I know it’s coming soon, but even greater I know he, Jesus himself is coming soon.

My pride and my pain are about to take me under. I’m suffocating. While I now have a relationship with the grandmother, the scab of my pride and pain is still being ripped off daily. This time of the year is the hardest. Syrus is out of Rivendell, the Psych place he was in, and he’s doing ok, only well avoiding me, go figure right. Jaylah hasn’t spoken to me since April. I want to reach out to her, but instead I reach out to Jesus, and I beg God to mend the relationship, while patiently waiting in the background for her to come around. I’ve been there done that. I done the same to my own mother as a child. I have learned from my own mother’s patience with me, to wait, wait upon the Lord, as he mends the broken road, and he’ll send her soon. I see Jaylah in dreams. I see her. I see her. Jaylah is now living in Tennessee with her aunt. All things are out of my control, and all I can do is pray. I want her home, I shout, I shout, I shout! Jesus please this is not fair! Bring my babies back! I have been patient, I’m not trying to be like the man who puffed up and said, I do this, this and this, and that person is a sinner. Jesus, I label myself right with the sinner, I know I’m far from perfect, but do I still deserve this pain? Eli is something else, thank Jesus for him, but still his voice about his siblings, is heart breaking. I have no words to say, except son we’ll pray. When I fight, I’ll fight on my knees.

 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.  Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you. Matthew 5:9-12

Jesus has used Owley so much to comfort me it’s unreal. I’m thankful for my Owl child. She maybe a kitten, but I’m telling you, the amount of pain she has masked within in her is kept within doors no one understands but Jesus himself.

I’ve watched the dates; I’ve watched them all from the 23rd to the 29th. I have been praying daily. I’ve felt more emotions than the normal human, and I pray, and I pray, and I plead the blood over people. When I cannot pray for myself, I pray for others. I’ve been praying, and I won’t stop praying. I see stuff everywhere, every day. I watch for it, sometimes it finds me, others I find it. It helps me to breath, I know Jesus is the giver of my breath, but sometimes, that tiny butterfly, ladybug, or owl helps me to catch my breath, when the billows of this life are taking me under. Jesus knows, I see him in them all, and I am reminded that his promises stand true and strong.

I know he’s bringing my husband in, I know he’s bringing my kids back, I know he’s bringing every promise to past one by one by one. He’s faithful ad he’s going to finish what he started.

Yesterday, a sister had word for me from the Lord.

You see while in this blur, I’ve questioned everything. I’ve questioned my placement, I’ve questioned my belonging in our Youth Group, I’ve questioned Jesus where do you want me? Am I even meant to be where I am? I’ve came undone. It’s been one crazy trip in this valley, but I can see myself inching closer to my precious flower, that Lilly of the Valley, Jesus himself.

The sister told, me God said “I was planted where he wanted me at, that I was to guide those youth and to teach those youth that they didn’t want to travel the road I went on.”

And…. she continued to tell me, “He says you’re right where you left him at.”

I thought about it, where did I leave Jesus, I pray and pray and pray and I know he’s near, I pray and pray and pray some more, so how did I leave him.

Then it hit me as tears rushed down my face,

“Jesus, I never left you; you left me here in all this pain”

So, as I bring this blog to a close, because I felt it leave, and I know when Jesus is done with it, I want to add one thing.

Where did you leave him at? Was it in your pain? You’re not alone! Brother / Sister I am right there with you! Take my hand, let’s get closer to Jesus, because time is running out. We have no promise of tomorrow, but we do have a promise of a just God whose judgement is true and faithful, and if we die in our sins, without the precious blood of Jesus covering us, we will go to hell, me included. Jesus will not go against his word for anyone, and he won’t cut corners just because he’s stayed by your side the whole time. You see he can be by our sides but outside of our hearts. I promise you he didn’t spare the angels, and he won’t spare us!

I said therefore unto you, that ye shall die in your sins: for if ye believe not that I am he, ye shall die in your sins. John 8:24

For if God spared not the angels that sinned, but cast them down to hell, and delivered them into chains of darkness, to be reserved unto judgment. 2 Peter 2:4

My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous: 1 John 2:1

Repent ye therefore, and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord. Acts 3:19

Turn, O backsliding children, saith the LORD; for I am married unto you: and I will take you one of a city, and two of a family, and I will bring you to Zion Jeremiah 3:14

I love all of you, and each of you!

But remember Jesus loves you the most!

He said he’d never leave us nor forsake us. That tells me it’s us that leaves him, or simply cannot feel him because of things like Pain.

If you need me I am here!

Christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

❤ Christie

The past few days have been different.

Unusual? No, but different.

I’ve recently encountered a bible study on Joseph, and his life. I’ve encountered a study that has taken me into the details of Joseph’s life, from the beginning to the end. I’ve been reading on how Joseph had these God given dreams, only to boast, and then be thrown into a cistern, and sold into slavery. I’ve been reading how everything that Joseph had to experience was for God’s glory, even though while it was happening, he himself didn’t quite understand why he had to go through it.

I’m not yet finished with the study, but I can say that Jesus has used this to open my eyes to my current moment and state of mind.

I put on a really big front. I smile a lot. A girl with a smile is contagious, and quite beautiful, but sometimes behind a smile is a heart that shelters herself from the world and those that are in it.

Like Joseph naming his children symbolically after his past afflictions, I too try to hide hidden meanings into all that I do.

 And Joseph called the name of the firstborn Manasseh: For God, said he, hath made me forget all my toil, and all my father’s house. And the name of the second called he Ephraim: For God hath caused me to be fruitful in the land of my affliction. Genesis 41:51-52

I’ll put this simple. I have to heal.

I’m being told its time to heal.

Its time I lay everything down about myself before the feet of Jesus, although I have sworn, I have laid such things down over and over again, yet somehow, I keep picking things up and holding to them, even after I plead with Jesus to take them, things are so personal to me I hold to them like prize gold. Nothing, I say nothing is more important to me than Christ himself. So, why pick stuff back up after I have laid down? Because it feels comfortable, and it feels normal to me, without such baggage, I am free, and Jesus knows I don’t know how to be a free man. The baggage keeps me grounded, it keeps me in a state of mind that I am used to and comfortable in, and it keeps me happy. The baggage lets me know I am ok, because I am used to processing such thoughts.

Completeness, being content and having freedom, oh my I may just break out in dance like David did, but instead, I grab the chains and wrap them back around myself and I say no, Jesus, I’m not ready to let go.

A few deep breaths let’s go deeper into this journey.

I changed jobs again.

All of my life I have suffered abuse mental, emotional, intentional and unintentional. PTSD has been a diagnosis since I was a child, but it comes in its forms.

Being teased, made fun of and often being unaccepted as a child has followed me into my adulthood. I see now why people commit suicide. Is this a cry for help, no! I’d never do such a thing. But I understand the brokenness, and I’m telling you don’t do it. I care, and I’m here even when it seems like I am not here, I am here. I’m just taking care of me, all while praying for this chaotic world in the process.

I’m healing now.

I see my brokenness from my youth, I see all my scars. I see all the wounds I have professed are healed, only to do a little picking and be left bleeding again. Crying and snotting in the middle of the night, make-up all over my shirt, raccoon eyes, and many why God, whys!

I see a savior with his arms wide open, telling me, you and anyone else who needs to hear it, “My child, I never left you, only you tried to leave me, I had to let you get a little slack, so you’d be like Peter and fall once you got fully distracted. You see I have picked you up once again, now this time stay. I’ll mend your tears and that broken heart, but you have to trust me and not yourself. I know trusting me is hard, you can’t see me, but you know I am near, you can’t hear me because you have me tuned out thinking all I have to say is bad, and judgement. I am love; I have loved thee from the beginning.

It’s time for me to heal and move beyond all the hurt. It’s time for my smile to be real, it’s time for my tears to be joyful and it’s time for me to let go.

Behind this curtain there is a heart that’s hurting. It’s been taking a beating
It’s starting to fall apart. And I feel like such an easy target. Dodging bullets, I’m exhausted. How can every moment be this hard? I’m holding nothing back from you doesn’t really matter what I lose got a heart that’s open I’m broken and I want you to know. I’ve got a list that goes on and on it’s overflowing with memories of everything that I’ve been doing wrong and I’ll be the first to say I’ve chased after so many foolish things Looking for a way to kill the pain Jesus, I don’t want anything coming in between you and me. Jesus, it doesn’t matter what I have to go through I’m holding nothing back, nothing back from you. –Ryan Stevenson

Remember I love you and Jesus loves you Most!

Christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

❤ Christie

As I sit tonight and think about this current valley that I am in, a song is playing in my ears from YouTube, the lyrics are “I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind, The God of angel armies, Is always by my side. And nothing formed against me shall stand. You hold the whole world in Your hands. I’m holding on to Your promises. You are faithful.”

God, I hear you reminding me, “No weapon that is formed against you will succeed; And you will condemn every tongue that accuses you in judgment and weeping may endure for a moment, but joy cometh in the morning. (Isaiah 54:17 & Psalm 30:5)”

The last three days I have been in revival. Monday was the first night of the revival, I was tired and worn.

First lets back track to Sunday. On Sunday I traveled down to Bowling Green, KY to see my pain. It was a 4 1/2-hour drive, and I drove it on 4 hours of sleep, not to mention I was traveling with my oppressor, (the term oppressor is harsh, but if the shoe fits wear it.) Prior to leaving my house it came to me to get a prayer card, pray over it and anoint it and give it to my precious pain. Upon arrival I was super early, like three hours, thank you time change, and my lead foot. But I made it. When visitation came, I realized he was in complete lock down. The only difference between where he was staying and juvenile was the cells, and bedding. My oppressor and I had to go through security, where we were scanned with metal detectors, no cellphones were allowed, and I could not set beside him. We had to sit across from him but allowed to face him. I was allowed to hold his hand. But due to pain, adrenaline, tiredness, and confusion as to who he’s became, I sat talking and observing the young man that was before me.

My Syrus, my pain. Tears formed in my eyes. I stared at him. Who was this child I was adoring? This child was a young man, this child was me. I told him “Syrus, I see me in you, get out the game while you can.” My oppressor advised him to listen to me. I poured my heart and my love out to him. Just listening to him speak broke my heart. I failed as his mother. BUT… I will no longer fail as his example, and as his mentor, or as his biggest cheerleader as long as it doesn’t involve the criminalistic mindset. I will lead and guide him with every breath in me, I will pray and petition God daily for him, and I will push him to be the best him he can be, and I will not fail to remind him, “Son, there is no life where you are going, and if you die in that state, you’ll go to hell. Hell is no game, its real, get out, get out of it. You can do better, you may not like God, or you may question or blame him, but he loves you and Jesus died for you.” This is a harsh message to tell anyone, but I refuse to sit back and see anyone go to hell. Even if I have to put my hands in the fire and pull you out, I will.

The trip back was late. I didn’t leave Bowling Green until almost 7, and I was super tired and beyond exhausted, and I knew I had to work the next day. Mother nature decided she was going to rain, and my foot decided it wasn’t going to let up on the gas, unless I had to. I had people praying for my safety and I was trusting in Jesus to lead me back safely. The slowest I think I drove was 55 at one point because it was pouring down the rain and I had to put on my E-lights. Then the fog came, and visibility was reduced to 5-15 foot in front of my vehicle, not to mention the road from western KY, has only reflectors and very few if any street lights. Rainy, foggy, dark, and I was super tired. I finally made it in around 11:30 and I was straight to bed. I curved as much time off the trip coming home as I could, needless to say, I pray I never have to drive with that much aggression again, if a deer would have jumped in front of me at those speeds, I would have been a goner, and well the deer would have probably survived, it would have probably taken flight and landed in a tree somewhere. A little humor or the heavy hearts.

Now back to Monday, the first day of revival. This day I worked 11 hours. It was trick or treat, and I wanted to go home and sleep, but church was more important. Upon arrival, I could feel God’s mighty presence lifting me up. I could feel Jesus moving in the midst. I was praying to among myself, praising Jesus, and out of nowhere, the evangelist came to me while he was beginning to preach the Word of God, and he told me “Sister lift up your head, cause God is making a way for your victory.” This man didn’t know me, he had no idea the valley I was in, and for him to speak that word to me, I was humbled and left in tears. I know God hears my prayers. At the end of the service, a sister of mine in Christ, brought me a prayer cloth with Syrus name on it, and she ask for me and her to stand together for Syrus and a friend of hers, who is battling similar addictions.

God is Faithful and he won’t abandon his promises, you see we are the ones who often abandon God because we get lost in the pain of unfulfillment from God. I’ll be the first to raise my hand. I’ve stood for so long, I think I need to take a seat, but then Jesus is like, nope, stand ye still and see the salvation of the Lord, because I am about to pour out my spirit.

Night two of revival, Danny went with me. What a feeling. To have him with me in Church, to feel what I’ve been longing to feel in the spiritual realm, that spouse that is beside me as I worship my Lord, whether he agrees with it or not, I know seeds was planted, and I know God is going to water them. If you’re wondering how I got him to go, I told him I wanted him to Go. I didn’t ask, I kind of just demanded it. (Maybe I’m mean, grrr.. Sometimes a girl has to take authority, but never in a million years would I ever try to be the head of the house because that’s not how Jesus designed it, I just kind of said, there’s church tonight and I want you there, it starts at 6 ❤ and well, Jesus done the rest) Oh how I long for him to be next to me while in church, how I long for that marriage where Jesus is the head of the both of us, and how Jesus comes first in his life, oh how I long for a marriage where Jesus is royalty to the both of us, and we both kneel at the altar for worship of the creator of the entire universe. Oh, how I long for this promise to be fulfilled, and I’ll let you know something, he’s coming in soon, and the rest of the promises will soon follow. Oh, how I praise Jesus for his goodness. Oh how, I praise Jesus for his mercy and for his grace, and I praise Jesus for his love that I do not deserve. Oh, how I love Jesus because he first loved me…

As for my message to everyone, keep praying and keep trusting, cause there’s an awakening coming in the spirit. God’s healing is coming, Jesus is about to awake a bunch of sleeping Giants in his world; these Giants are servants who will be impossible to be shaken or moved when it comes to his standards or his ways. I call them sleeping because they are the ones who have not yet stepped into their calling. As for myself, I am slowly stepping into my calling more each day.

But know this, as I come to a close, I REFUSE TO BOW TO THIS WORLD.

I WILL FOREVER BOW TO JESUS, the devil and his angels can have this world, but he’ll never take me and mine! I’m no coward! I am a witness, an intercessor, and child of God, My King is Jesus!

I am praying for you!

If you need me, you know what to do!

Remember I love you, and Jesus loves you most ❤

❤ Christie

christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

I just want to speak the name of Jesus over every heart and every mind. I know there is peace within your presence. I speak Jesus. I just want to speak the name of Jesus ‘Til every dark addiction starts to break, declaring there is hope and there is freedom. Your name is power, your name is healing, your name is life. Break every stronghold. Shine through the shadows. Burn like a fire. I just want to speak the name of Jesus, over fear and all anxiety. To every soul held captive by depression. Shout Jesus from the mountains, Jesus in the streets, Jesus in the darkness, over every enemy. Jesus for my family. I speak the holy name, Jesus!! – The Newsboys

I am speaking Jesus, I’m going to speak Jesus, and nothing or no one in this world will stop me. You’ll never break my faith; you’ll never take this treasure from me. He is my God, and I am his child. I have nothing left in this world to look back on. The direction I am going is the direction I want you and all my loved ones to follow. The direction I am going is led by the king himself, it is Jesus.

Now, I’m not saying you have to be perfect as some would use the excuse, “I’m just not ready, or I’ll go to church and serve Jesus after I am done being young and restless.” Jesus is not about church or religion, or rules. Jesus is about a relationship with the creator, the one who paid it all for us. And just like any other relationship isn’t perfect, your relationship with Christ won’t be perfect, but the one you will have a relationship with, is Perfect, and he wants you to know, his love is enough for you, for he says to you, “My grace is sufficient, for I paid it all.”

You see we don’t deserve Grace or Mercy, but God loved us so much that he sent his son to die for us, showing us Grace and Mercy. And not only that, he send’s Jesus sometimes daily after us, when we wonder away from the fold.

 And the Lord passed by before him, and proclaimed, The Lord, The Lord God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth, Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children’s children, unto the third and to the fourth generation. –Exodus 34:6-7

Think about it. As humans some of us are relentless. We are always searching, and always looking for something to satisfy us. We have this gut feeling of what we need and what we don’t need, and what we should and should not do, but yet we choose to do what feels good to us. Think about those that followed the crowd on crucifixion day, the on lookers. Think Peter. He denied him thrice, but yet, Jesus raised him up to lead a multitude to him, in fact Jesus spoke to Peter, and told him ” And I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. Matthew 16:18 “

Jesus also went on to say “ So when they had dined, Jesus saith to Simon Peter, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me more than these? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my lambs. He saith to him again the second time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my sheep.  He saith unto him the third time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? Peter was grieved because he said unto him the third time, Lovest thou me? And he said unto him, Lord, thou knowest all things; thou knowest that I love thee. Jesus saith unto him, Feed my sheep. John 21:15-17

You see just like Peter in the bible, we all have denied Jesus, me included. I am guilty, sometimes I deny him as soon as I get up in the mornings, I am so busy that I often forget to say, “Thank you, Jesus for waking me up, I love you!” And just like Peter, I have said, I don’t know the man, just to blend in with the crowd, ouch, that hurt someone. Let it fly.

Are we afraid of who we are in Christ, or who he is making us to be. That relentless generation, that no longer conforms their identity to this world, but is rather made new daily in the eyes of Christ. I don’t know about you, but like I said, I am not flawless, and there’s always something Jesus can fix or work on when it comes to me and well you too!

Just like Peter, Jesus looks at us and says over and over again “Do you love me, if so, I have work for you to do, go and feed my lambs (the babies in Christ and the children who are following your footsteps, and also feed my sheep, I’ll give you milk for the lambs and meat for the sheep. Just like milk feeds a newborn baby who is born from the womb, milk feeds a newborn Christian, who is come into the newness life, and just as we transition from milk to meat as we grow, we do the same in Christ Jesus. The meat is a little stronger because they’re a little more mature in my word.” (me paraphrasing John 21:15-17)

Just like Peter, we can walk on the water, as long as we keep our eyes on Jesus. Now I’m not telling you, to go outside and attempt to walk on a water puddle (and if you by any means decide to, I want to see pictures. ❤ ) , its spiritual. The water, waves and storm symbolize all of life’s up and downs that we’re going to face, and the way we are to get through them. As long as we have our eyes fixated on Jesus, we’ll walk on the water, over the mountains, and when more waves come, we’ll take off running and laughing without fear, and know we are held on to by the master.

That by two immutable things, in which it was impossible for God to lie, we might have a strong consolation, who have fled for refuge to lay hold upon the hope set before us: Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and stedfast, and which entereth into that within the veil; Whither the forerunner is for us entered, even Jesus, made an high priest for ever after the order of Melchisedec. –Hebrews 6:18-20

You see, if we want to get through these later days, we are to get closer to Jesus. We say we hope in him, but where is communication, where is the trust, where is the pleading, where is the “Hi, hello.”

I have to go back and read this. I have no idea what is written. That is often my way of letting lose and letting God lead.

Before I bring this to a close, recently I found out a friend of mine passed away. He was one of my residents, one of my babies, who became one of my closest of friends for some moment. I hadn’t spoken to him since around February of this year. After his passing I remembered, in one of his last messages he had sent me a song,

Have you been praying and you still have no answers? Have you been pouring out your heart for so many years? Have you been hoping that things would have changed by now? Have you cried all the faith you have through so many tears? … Don’t forget the things that He has done before
And remember He can do it all once more. It’s like the brightest sunrise
waiting on the other side of the darkest night. Don’t ever lose hope, hold on and believe, maybe you just haven’t seen it. You’re closer than you think you are only moments from the break of dawn. All His promises are just up ahead. He had the solution before you had the problem, he sees the best in you when you feel at your worst, so in the questioning don’t ever doubt His love for you ‘Cause it’s only in His love that you’ll find a breakthrough. –Danny Gokey.

Thank you, brother, for continuing to feed God’s Sheep even after you’re gone.

If ya’ll need me you know where to reach me

Christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

Remember I love you, and Jesus loves you Most!!

❤ Christie!

I come to tell you he’s alive, and that he dries every tear that falls! -Becky Townsend.

Ever have those days, to where you’re on top of the mountain and then it’s like slip, tumble, thump and out of nowhere you find yourself back at the bottom of the valley?

Yesterday, was one of those days for me. I was up late until 2:30ish listening to secular music that I normally do not listen to. I found myself in this state of mind that I often work my bottom off to stay out of. I found myself with this inner critic / inner defender state of mind. Just soaking it up and it felt good.

Somewhere along the line, I pushed Eli over, took off my headphones and forced myself to say my prayers and go to sleep.

Then came this morning, I was awoken by Jesus and my busy kidneys, that’s when it hit me the valley I felt before going to la la land was real.

God where are you? Why is nothing changing? I am overloaded down here. How can I keep up with school, work, and keep the house cleaned all in one. Why aren’t Danny and I that close? Why is everyone around me happy, sappy in love, and I’m over here drowning, wishing for closeness, and help maintaining a home while I push to be a better me. — Did I really just exalt myself and boast on my current doings? Hmmm. made me think.

As I got in the tub, it occurred to me that the person Jesus was working on was me, and it was me that he was wanting to change. Complain less, spend less, be satisfied more, and love my family closer. Big deal if the house isn’t spotless. Am I placing my effort towards complaining or am I placing 100% of my efforts towards helping. Am I focusing my energy on being the me Christ has called me to be or am I just becoming this arrogant transformed drug addict, turned CNA/ future RN?

That was a tough pill to swallow.

All I want to be is the Child of God that I am called to be, even if that means swallowing my pride, getting less sleep, and pushing towards helping my family more. No glitches, just 100% real and faithful to Jesus, even if it means me realizing I’m the one he’s working on.

Imagine having surgery while you’re wide awake. Imagine being cut open, and bleeding out pain, emotions, and impurities or imperfections. Imagine having your body mended back together, and then sewn up all while you’re awake. You see the coming undone hurts, the fixing hurts, and the fixing back hurts too, especially if we’re the ones being worked on.

This funk sucks! It stinks. Just like Lazarus was dead for 4 days and he began to stink, then Jesus called out to him and said Lazarus come forth, I feel like I’m in a state of dying, I stink at times (attitude wise, outlook wise, pardon my honesty, it’s never my intentions to give you this image of my perfect little life.) My demeanor towards people in general can at times be that of a menopausal woman (no offence to anyone, only an example, I am hateful and full of love at the same time, I want to be held and I do not want to be touched also, I long to hold others, and yet, I want nothing to do with others, I am wishy washy, and I am unpleasant, I am out going, and I am calm, I am a tornado in a hurricane, but yet, soft and gentle. I am in chaos and at the same time I am in stillness.) And, yet I hear Jesus saying, “Come forth my child.” I feel like I should be dead, and the on lookers have witnessed things that should have left me for dead.

This morning I forced myself to go to church. The best decision I made. I made myself worship, when I didn’t want to even be present.

Today has continued, and I’m still blah, for how much longer I have no idea. The hem of his garment is near, and I am holding to it.

Tonight, I heard from the oldest of my pride and pain, my Syrus.

Syrus was placed in a behavioral health facility for young teens / adolescence about three weeks ago for attempting to kill himself. I praise God for the sound of his voice. Syrus is no longer my baby, he’s my young man. (Yep, I’m nearing 40.) I was informed by my pain that meth had also been a part of his agenda in the weeks prior to his episode. I’m lost by it. I know I was a drug addict for so long, and I too smoked meth once or twice years back, but to hear my 15-year-old tell me, he had been using it carelessly struck another nerve.

I wanted to cry, and I wanted to scream, and I still want to cry and scream, but my Jesus! Jesus steps down and again and reminds me of an incident when I younger. I recall an old friend coming to stay the night with me at my house when I was just a preteen. This girl was different, she was raised in the city with freedom from her parents that I wasn’t given from my own parents. At the time, I was pretty and considered “that fresh little jailbait that was off limits to the rest of the holler”, the only reason this girl had access to being around me was because we were the same age, and she was of course the same gender as I was. In that house with so many rules I just wanted to escape. The telephone was my go-to, I’d call my older neighbor all the time, although there wasn’t much of a difference in our age, still he was over age and in his sewing wild oats stage, and well, there I was, innocent and looking for rottenness, and there she was, rotten and looking to get me into some meanness. The subject of acid came up, purple microdots, or paper blueish / red strips (this was the middle 90’s before the oxy train ever existed). I was game, under my tongue it went. The walls in my mom’s house looked white (mind you, they were blue). I was tripping. My mom had no idea, to her knowledge I had just been up all night catching up with a friend. That’s when my house phone rang. It was my daddy calling from Florida. I remember my dad telling me, “Christie, you sound high.” My reply was “You, never know I could be.”– This conversation took place as I was backing myself into a corner that I could not get into, it was like the wall kept moving with me, and I kept backing up.

Daddy must have gone to praying and talking to Jesus. I wonder if he felt like I feel today. I wonder if what I am feeling is a reflection of what my own dad felt for me, when he first found out that I was stepping into a realm of life, that he longed to keep me out of.

It’s like I’m mentally zoned / phased out of it. I cannot explain it or put it into words, almost like a haze. And I know God is here with me. I’m just, blah to the fullest.

I want to say this. The devil is dumb. I say that boldly because he knows it’s one thing to mess with me, but to mess with my baby, you got to be kidding right! I will pray, and pray, and pray and speak boldly over my boy, because it’s my responsibility to do so.

I am Holy Ghost filled, and you don’t back me into a corner, because I’ll run to the one who made me, loves me, died for me, and stands beside me in all my fires. I will fight the fire of hell with the angels of heaven. I will fight the fire of hell with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, I will fight every demon, and everyone that tries to stand between the power of my God upon my family’s life. What sometimes feels like a curse is a blessing, because if I’m that bridge between my loved ones and the enemy, I say walk on family, I know who fights my battles, and I’ll stand in the gap! I say Lord, here am I send me! I’ll go, I’ll go I say, I’ll fight til it’s my very last breath, I will not let you die lost, I will not let you go a day without knowing Jesus loves you, I will not let you go without knowing there is power in the blood, I will not let you go!!!

Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me? Psalm 56:3-4

 For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin– Hebrews 4:15

 Wherefore, when I came, was there no man? when I called, was there none to answer? Is my hand shortened at all, that it cannot redeem? or have I no power to deliver? behold, at my rebuke I dry up the sea, I make the rivers a wilderness: their fish stinketh, because there is no water, and dieth for thirst. I clothe the heavens with blackness, and I make sackcloth their covering.  The Lord God hath given me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season to him that is weary: he wakeneth morning by morning, he wakeneth mine ear to hear as the learned.  The Lord God hath opened mine ear, and I was not rebellious, neither turned away back.– Isaiah 50:2-5

After talking to my Syrus, I opened up God’s word and there I found myself in Isaiah, reading the last passage I posted above.

I know God’s going to do something. I know God is about to shake the heavens in my favor, but not just my favor, in all of his children’s favor.

For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. In prosperity I said, “I will never be shaken.”…Psalm 30:5-6

 Are you past the point of weary? Is your burden weighin’ heavy? Is it all too much to carry? Let me tell you ’bout my Jesus Do you feel that empty feeling? ‘Cause shame’s done all its stealin’ And you’re desperate for some healin’
Let me tell you ’bout my Jesus … He makes a way where there ain’t no way
Rises up from an empty grave Ain’t no sinner that He can’t save Let me tell you ’bout my Jesus His love is strong and His grace is free And the good news is I know that He Can do for you what He’s done for me And let my Jesus change your life, … Who can wipe away the tears From broken dreams and wasted years And tell the past to disappear?And all the wrong turns that you would Go and undo if you could Who can work it all for your good Let me tell you about my Jesus — Anne Wilson

I just want to tell you, I love you and Jesus loves you most!

It’s my prayer that whoever reads these blogs, that you know that Jesus loves you without measure, meaning his love cannot be contained to a box, and its limitless, it doesn’t matter what you have done, or the mistakes that you hold over your own head. It’s not time to play the blame game on yourself or on others, it’s time to come out and be a separated person, set upon a hill, filled full of the light of the Lord. We cannot shine light, if we continuously allow ourselves to be broken. — When a part of me breaks, he mends it, and might I say, I’ve been broken and I am broken, but I am not continuously broken, I am continuously his, and I will continuously reach out to him even at times like this when I cannot breathe, or see the sun, I will hold to him.

It’s my prayer that you let Jesus love you, and that you rise up, the storm is almost over.

It’s my prayer, that you see Jesus in me.

I love you all ❤

Christie ❤

email me christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

My mind never stops.

Its ever going. I’m always on the go.

Either I am working, I’m doing homework, I’m running errands, or I’m just breathing. Sometimes, I look forward to sleep, because I just get to shut down, but then I worry sleep is taking away from my responsibilities. My body wants sleep so bad, and 5 hours isn’t enough when you are working 12’s and constantly remembering due dates for school.

Sometimes my bills are late. Thank goodness for autopay. My house is messy, thank goodness for Jesus.

I breath in, I breath out.

Yesterday, was hectic. Out of nowhere I had a panic attack at work. I had woken up with anticipation on me, that I should call in, but I couldn’t for personal reasons. All day my mind was in circles, often checking back at home to be reassured everyone was ok. I knew what I was feeling wasn’t Jesus, and I knew I had to push. I pressed harder and prayed more. I isolated to my car with the AC on high. A few deep breaths and urgent prayer request to my praying sisters later, I walked back in the building.

Panic Manic sucks. It’s awful. It’s almost like a plague that takes over, and you have absolutely no control over it. Sometimes the mind swims, as the inner person cries out like Jonah from the deep. Yesterday, I was Jonah. This morning I am me again, and I’m going to worship my Lord.

Trigger warning.

I have PTSD.

As a child I had gone through some things (refer back to my earlier blogs). While I do not set and think about my childhood, and I never took a panic attack when I was a child, as I got older around the age of 28, these panic attacks set in. They’re not bad and they’re not often and many things can trigger them. Mostly they are few and far in between. The closer I get to Jesus the farther they get from me. He’s my healer and my redeemer, and I know he’ll deliver me again from such attacks. This new set of attacks is random.

I’ve been going through the fire lately. I feel like the Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, the three Hebrew boys, and I have my moments of feeling like Daniel.

My job has made me bonkers, I’ve even wanted to leave, but God is telling me to stay. I’m able to go to church every time the doors are opened, and they’re compassionate about my desire to be in God’s house. I could not ask for a better facility or group of administrators to work under. For whatever reason, I’m in the lion’s den, and I’m in the fire. I pray and I catch my breath, I cry, I panic, God moves. I catch my breath; I lose my breath. I cry some more, and then Jesus stills me.

In this fire, I’m learning. In this fire I’m able to reach closer for my lily of the valley. In this fire I’m able to cry out Jesus help me; and he comes closer than anyone and takes me to safety, even in my mind.

In the still of my mind, he holds me close. In the still of my mind, he is my anchor.

Things are better at home. Sometimes they’re rocky, sometimes they’re like a hurricane, but at all times Jesus stands with me.

My heart belongs to Jesus. I will not be shaken.

He tells me in his word “All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28.

 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

For whatever reasons, this buffering is for my good and for his glory. Though I do not feel good, and I don’t like the circumstances that have surrounded my life. It’s all worked out for his good.

I want you to find purpose for your pain, but in order to do so, you’re going to have to let Jesus show you, his purpose for your life. His purpose on your life will show you that you can overcome this pain, and you can live as close to normal as possible someday; you may like what I’m about to say, but you won’t live normal without him, and you will always be at a loss. You’re going to search and search and search for something to fill that hole in your heart, that’s not a human, animal, material filled hole, it’s a god size hole that only Jesus himself can fill. Just like when we are taken from our mother’s womb, we are left as children needing to depend on our mother / dad in some cases (not that any man can ever bare a child), but we are left with the need to depend on our parents. The same applies with Jesus. We are born, at first, we depend on our parents, but as we get older, we mature and begin to get wants in our lives. We begin to search for ways to fill voids, and we being to search for our purpose in life. Sometimes we feel like, we have found our purpose, only to be knocked off track, and then Jesus steps in and shows us his grander plans he has on our lives.

Do you think, I wanted to grow up in that broken home? Do you think I wanted to lose my dad? I say these two things because they are the two things that have always been out of my control, and no one can rebuttal and say otherwise.

As a child, (don’t applaud me, give credit to Jesus.) my mother always told me to say my prayers, I would talk to Jesus and ask him why God, and I know he heard me. As a young woman, I had to forgive the one who wrecked my childhood, it wasn’t my heart to hold the pain, and I didn’t want to hold onto that.

As a daddy’s girl, I had to lose the one person in my life that held my world together. I face a birthday tomorrow without him. Its birthday number 7. It’s been 7 years since I have heard him say happy birthday. It sucks. — But Jesus!

But Jesus I say, has a grander purpose for my pain. Some pain I’ll never tell, or maybe I will, if it’s his will. The first step is letting him in.

Now nothing felt good in that broken home. I wasn’t held as a child; I wasn’t believed, and I was made out to be a compulsive liar. I was made out to be someone I wasn’t.

And losing daddy, almost cost me my life.

Jesus, used that broken home to teach me early to forgive and love endlessly.

And Jesus used the death of my dad to draw me to him.

I don’t know what you are searching for, but I can tell you, I know your purpose is in him. He has showed me in his word. You are a mighty warrior; you are made to stand and not to fall. I know, I pray, and I pray, and I’ll continue to pray.

The great commission is to tell the world about Jesus and to continue in one mind and one accord with the breaking of bread, and fellowship. It’s time to join the great commission and tell the world about Jesus. It’s time to let him heal all the broken pieces and let him love you the way you are searching to be loved. Yes, you’re still going to have bad days, but with him those bad days will be even greater millstones in your walk with him.

You are an overcomer.

My eyes are on Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith.

And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love. Corinthians 13:13

And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins. 1Peter 4:8

The love that covers sins, is the love of Jesus. If we love like Jesus we will forgive, we will love without differentiation, we will love without judgement If we love like Jesus, we will lead the lost, a congregation of many to the King of Kings and Lord or Lords. But I warn you, to love like Jesus, it comes with the cost of everything, and since some of has already lost everything, why not throw in the towel at this world, and say “Jesus I am yours, forgive me, save me, and lead me.”

I got to get ready for church!

I love you all.

Remember Jesus loves you most.

Join me, and the rest of the apostles, disciples, witnesses, and God’s holy army, that He’s quickening from the dead and let’s tell the world about Jesus. Let’s testify of his goodness, and how through him we have overcome it all, and how he’s coming back for us.

We don’t have to endure much longer; we just have to run with Patience.

 Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews12:1-2.

email me and reach to me if you need me.

christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

❤ Christie