For His Glory

I’m in a blank. I’m in a daze. Somedays I can’t focus, and other days I’m feel like I’m wired. God help me I feel like I’m coming undone. Then I hear him whisper “My daughter, I’ve got you in my hands, its ok to breathe.”

I have survived Midterms and have about 7 weeks left of this semester. I’m at that labored breathing stage. ❤

I want to vent.

I want to be loud.

I want to scream!

But I can’t I’m bound to silence.

But do you hear me?

I went to Cato’s today. I bought me a yellow shirt, with ladybugs all over it. ❤

There was a name etched on the stall of the bathroom today, it made me think of owls.

I no longer question God; I just breathe and whisper “Thank you.!”

I made it to my ENT specialist. He decided to do more testing, a follow up on May 1st, and then a decision will be made. I had asked Jesus’ prior, and during the appointment to lead all decisions, so I’m comfortable with the outcome. My doctor is very cautious about jumping into any surgery, and he doesn’t want to add more problem to cause. –To me it was like giving God more time to work his miracle. Again, I’m ok with that. Inhale, exhale. I’m just breathing.

Syrus, my Syrus. I’m smothering out with it, him, and the overall situations. To be completely out of control over a situation and see your soon to be 16-year-old son out of control. What does one say. I pray and pray, and I lean upon the breastbone of Christ to keep me afloat. Syrus is the exact crowd I hope to reach someday. Syrus is the type of individual I want to see freed. Syrus is the type of individual I want to see make a 100% turn around not because he’s my flesh and blood but because everyone thinks he’s headed nowhere fast. Don’t get me wrong I think that too, but I know there is hope for someone like my baby. And I know that very same hope, promises me my household. Syrus is my household. — I caught Syrus was smoking weed tonight. My Mom handled him, my sisters and me lectured him, and I’m left speechless as to how? I see me in him, I see the old me in him, I see the pain, the wondering, the anxiety, and I see the need in him. Faith, love and HOPE. I have Faith, God is going to do it, I have love in him so big that I will never give up, and I have HOPE that someday, Jesus will transform him. So, as much as I want to turn him away, I’m reminded that Jesus don’t never turn me away, and I may be the only bible he is reading. Kudo’s he’s lost his electronics, and FYI, when we take trips, he’ll be searched. It pesters me because he does such dumb stuff, but I remember as I look in that mirror, I done it too. I’m coming undone. Jesus catch me as I fall.

Don’t lecture me on getting him back, he’s about a month from being 16 by the time I fought it, he’d be over age. He stays with me constantly; I just don’t have any legal say over him. I already live without Jaylah. Have you ever experienced being cut with a knife that’s glowing hot. A knife so hot it severs the feelings and cauterizes the arteries to prevent bleeding out as it cuts. Jaylah is that knife. I’m numb. It’s a different type of numbness. One that went into place to keep me from dying. It hurts so bad; I don’t feel it. I’m not good like that, this level of numb takes years to get to. I was that numb with Syrus, but Jesus showed me its ok, to love, hold, mold, and nurture him. Now I’ve went bat crap crazy trying to figure out how to raise a wild child. — I’m not complaining. It’s more of an informative. Roll my Eyes.

But where is Jesus? I’ll tell you where he is.

He’s in this storm.

He’s in this struggle.

He’s in my madness.

He’s there when I want to bounce states to nowhere. He’s there.

Jesus is always with me.

One day, all this will be worth the wait.

In the meantime, I’ll praise him. I’ll love him. I’ll try my hardest to remember him first. I’ll do my homework and remind myself he’s called me to do it. I’ll forgive often and ask him to help me love the unlovable, including myself. GRRR. I grouchy. ❤ Insert smiley.

Rant over.

Psalm 121 1-2 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, From whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD, Which made heaven and earth

1 Peter 5:10 But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you

Remember I love you,

&. Jesus loves you most!

If you need me email me christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

❤ Christie

I really didn’t have a topic. A voice kept telling me “Don’t write, don’t write.”

Puzzling…

What do I do? I offer myself to Jesus. I ask him to anoint me, lead me, and open me up to hear what the spirit would have to say. My Lord, guide my hands up on the keys, bringing out the message you would have me to deliver. And Jesus, if it’s not you, take it away.

Here Goes!

You have to let God in. I’m not playing. He’s near to you.

I struggle constantly with this. I’m like Jacob, I wrestle with Jesus. I wrestle with knowing does he really love me? Will he really forgive me, oops did I sin again? Is he turning me away for good this time? Have I gone too far to be forgiven. I do the same old routine. I go to bed. I pray Jesus forgive me, a few other words (to me what feels like blah blah blah) I’m being real with you. I struggle to feel Jesus. I struggle to accept his love for me is more than I can fathom or imagine. I struggle to accept his love for me is worth every tear, all the suffering, and the searching. I struggle to accept that he loves me, and he wants me to accept myself. I struggle with my walk with Jesus. But one thing remains I will not curse him. — I will tell you he is good. I will tell you he loves you beyond reason, and I will push to get you to believe he is good. Although I struggle to straighten out this crown on my head (until I have to lay it at his feet) I am a daughter of a King, so yeah, I wear one. Maybe I’m arrogant, but I glory in Jesus. I glory in knowing he loves you. I glory in knowing he wants you. I glory in knowing and proclaiming he’s righteous. I glory in that name above all names JESUS, JESUS, JESUS, yes, JESUS! I glory in the King. Nothing that we have suffered can be compared to what awaits us if we grab hold and continue to hold on to Jesus.

I’m not saying don’t grieve or mourn. I’m not saying don’t question why the circumstances had to happen the way they did. I’m not saying don’t curse me under your breath, because you probably are. I’m not saying don’t roll your eyes, because you probably did, and you’re probably thinking I’m bible thumping, when I’m not. But what I am saying is let Jesus back in! Maybe I’m screaming it. I just want to kick the door down, and open it myself, but I can’t. I can’t mend your heart; I can’t heal your wounds. But I can tell you of a man who can.

I live like I’m broken. Sometimes I’m in a constant broken state. I’m ran ragged. Its midterms in my second semester of college, my mind is crazy. I’m accepting life as it comes to me. Some stuff I’ll never put on here, there’s a time and place for it. My sisters, mom and Sarah are my keepers. They know everything. I talk to them about all the hard stuff.

I was thinking tonight. I don’t feel you Jesus. I even told my sister I didn’t feel Jesus, and just as I opened up my bible to read a chapter at bedtime, a voice softly spoke, “Turn to Job”, I listened. I opened up to the 1st chapter, verse 20—chapter 3– last verse. As I was reading, I saw were Job lost everything he had, and he still worshipped God. His wife tried to get him to curse God, but Job refused. He maintained his integrity and never once cursed the creator. Then it started clicking. …….

Job questioned God. He questioned WHY. He questioned why things had to happen why they did. He cursed the day he was born. He wished he was never born. Life got painful. He wanted to die. He wanted to give up. He didn’t want to go on. He didn’t feel like he had a reason to go on. Life was physically, mentally, and emotionally painful. But guess what else, I believe it got spiritually painful too. He still believed, but he was hurting with why, and how come he had to lose it all. But he never once said God was bad. He maintained that God was good, even though he never understood why he had to go through what he went through. He kept his integrity in Jesus.

How often do you feel like that. Are you really Job or are you losing your integrity for the Christ because the pain of the circumstances. I know that was harsh. But you see we have a great God who knows and who knew all this would happen. He knew we would struggle to hold on when the storms, pains, tragedy, trials, buffers, and tribulations came. He knew we would need him to remind us how much he loved us daily. He knew we would be on the verge of saying lights out. He knew some of us would walk away completely, but he knew some of us would reach up and grab his hand has we take our last breath. He knew we would gasp for air, as we exhale life, and inhale newness. He knew we would shed tears, shed light and walk back into the darkness just to lead others out. He knew we would need him. Thats why he died for us. — He knew, and he knows. Guess what. He’s not done yet…You just got to let him back in. Even if you hate me for what words are spoken, don’t hold it against Jesus, he loves you, and I’m well. roaring!

 Job 1:20-22 Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, And said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.

Job 2 1-10 Again there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan came also among them to present himself before the Lord.  And the Lord said unto Satan, From whence comest thou? And Satan answered the Lord, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.  And the Lord said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? and still he holdeth fast his integrity, although thou movedst me against him, to destroy him without cause.  And Satan answered the Lord, and said, Skin for skin, yea, all that a man hath will he give for his life.  But put forth thine hand now, and touch his bone and his flesh, and he will curse thee to thy face.  And the Lord said unto Satan, Behold, he is in thine hand; but save his life.  So went Satan forth from the presence of the Lord, and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown.  And he took him a potsherd to scrape himself withal; and he sat down among the ashes.  Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die.  But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips.

FYI–I feel like JOB. I have lost Syrus and Jaylah, my pride and pain. I made the grandma mad again today because I took up for myself and Syrus, its hard telling when I’ll see Syrus again. I wonder why I keep having to relive the pain of losing them. Jaylah hasn’t spoken to me in almost a year. My heart breaks. I won’t speak of my marriage, it’s not bad, but Jesus don’t want me speaking of it, so I keep it off the radar. He’s good to me, but it is what it is. My health seems like a whirl wind. I go for an MRI this Friday and follow up with an ENT specialist on Monday. I’ll be having 2 circulation test next week; I am following back up with vascular at the end of the month. I struggle with my weight. One minute I’m dieting the next minute I’m eating a half of pizza and pound of lo mien. Chinese anyone? Sometimes I pray for my drive with Jesus to grow, other times I pray to get by. Right now, I’m praying, just to stay afloat, and get through the next few weeks. I anticipate the ENT doctor will want to do surgery. Did I ever tell you I hate medicine, and doctors? Can you imagine the anxiety? Will I go in for a simple ear procedure and not make it off the table? I still trust Jesus, and he’s still good? My integrity still remains! — I won’t curse God!

I hope you got something out of this, as I feel it come, I feel it leave.

I love you ❤ I’m mean ❤

I’M ROARING FOR JESUS ❤

Jesus loves you most ❤

Christie ❤

Email me. I’ll read them.

christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

I pray you find Jesus in the midst of this darkness.

I’m still praying, shed the shame, and be held by him!

Do you believe?

I keep preaching it, and speaking it, but do you see it? Sometimes it’s here and we are so caught up in our fears that we cannot allow ourselves to receive it, because we are bound by the madness.

Inhale, exhale. Deep breath. Dance with me. Come into my mind, and I’ll show you the darkness, and madness. I’ll also the light that’s extinguishing everything that’s not beneficial to my wellness. (I’ve been fighting the light, if you follow me closely, you’ve saw it’s a bit of a habit.)

In November I started a new job as a medical receptionist. – In January, circumstances around my job started making me second guess my whole being there. I started closing up. I started isolating (the pattern is omnipresent). I started distancing myself from coworkers and finding myself closed up alone in my own little world. I begin to feel the “I’m not up to their standards feeling” I started wanting to escape. From that moment forward, I begin to watch it all, every motive, every talk, every whisper. I began to pay attention to tone, appeal, and how individuals communicated with me and with each other. I begin to notice, me being out of place, not just in my own head, but in others’ opinions. I begin to be in want of an escape. During lunch I’d splurge to exercising, and music. I’d get as far away from people as I possibly could. There’s just something about displacement and not belonging.

I’ve been suffocating since January. – I have to heal. (Stop thinking, Girl, you have been suffocating since I’ve known you, I have, and I haven’t been. I’m just slowly getting to where I need to be, and so are you).

Between the stress of school, work, health, and me being mentally nonexistent at home I am pooped. I’m taking a break. — A much needed break, before I collapse. I’m quitting work for about a month to focus on Jesus, my health, and my home life. I need Jesus, I have to pass this semester, and my family needs me. Right now, all anyone is getting from me is how I am constantly overwhelmed by some dumb crap at work that keeps throwing me off balance.

But my Jesus, he is healing me. Look at the big picture. I’ve found acceptance with my family, walls are dropping and raising. I am mending. I love those around me, but I’m also protective of myself. I’m learning to trust Jesus even if I can’t see his bigger plan, and my faith is growing more and more.

Today I reached my ledge –with work. I’m jumping. I quit. Jesus, catch me. I didn’t use wisdom, I used the wings you gave me, help me to fly.

Oh, kudos, vascular appointment number two came and went, and you know what? My arteries are clear. God confirmed it twice! He’s so amazing. Guess what else, at the end of the appointment, I looked over, and there it was… a ladybug tattoo on some random person’s arm! I knew Jesus placed that there for me. I find comfort in the signs he gives me. I know he walks with me.

I go for an MRI on my brain and inner ears on March 10th. Then on March 13th, I follow up with an ENT specialist to look primarily at a mass in my left mastoid. I personally think its fluid, it feels like fluid, but whatever it is Jesus has this and he has me. I won’t be shaken. —- I look forward to having this resolved and enjoying my summer with my family and rug rats while chasing rollercoasters, swimming pools, hot tubs, and long road trips.

But right now… I just need to let the almighty physician heal me. Mentally. Spiritually, and trust he also has me physically. He formed me. —

Darkness my friend, –We are breaking up.

Madness, –I’m madly in love with the healing my savior Jesus is bringing to me.

Light, –infiltrate me, pump life into my lungs that have been drown for so long. Resuscitate me. Bring me back to life, surround me with your presence, and never let me go. — Give me thy word, for thy word is life, with it I shall not stumble, but rather I’ll dance on the water and keep my eyes on the promises that lay just ahead.

I’m pressing into this revival that’s here. I want all Jesus has for me. —

I love you ❤

Jesus loves you most ❤

Christie ❤

–Today after venting to my bff Sarah about the chaos at work and life in general, she sent something to me. I know it had to be at the hand of God–

When I arrived at the cliff in the valley, there was no room in my soul for fear, for I knew that God had brought me this far and He would still be with me. And though I am patiently waiting to see what miraculous thing He will do, I hold on to His promise “I know the plans I have for you”

It’s time for healing, time to move on
It’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong

Time for a milestone, time to begin again
Re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything, I surrender

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life, something Heavenly, something Heavenly

Time to breathe in and let everything out

❤

Yesterday, Jesus told me that I needed to start posting videos to my blog.

This is new to me, but whatever he bids, that I want to do.

❤ Remember I love you,

❤ Jesus loves you Most

❤ Christie

If you need me reach out to me.

(2)Facebookhttps://www.facebook.com/christie.rogers7373/videos/1649288008837410

I should be sleeping. It’s my day off. But I’m not. I hear a voice telling me “You need to write in the back of my mind.”

While wrestling with thought, sleep, ear pain, and the creeping sleep I grab my computer, a NEHI peach, Tylenol, and my headphones.

Prayers first, music, and hands on the keys– Jesus you take the lead.

The week of February 20th came in this year untamed and very much thought of. Beginning with Friday the 17th, I had to call in work due to flood waters keeping me from getting home the night prior, (causing me and my boys to have to crash at a hotel). Friday, Saturday and Sunday the tensions built daily. Normally I don’t think and normally I don’t allow myself to reminisce. This year was different. –Then I paired the two.

On Friday the 17th, I joined my family in a Karen Peck concert. One of my favorite locals was opening for them (Chosen). Just three days before deadline. Tick tock, Tick tock. —

On Saturday we participated in Kingdom Connection. (Oh, what a feeling, to set at his feet, and press when I can’t feel nothing but fear and what if.) Tick tock, tick tock two days left.

Sunday was church morning. A warrior’s cry for prayer, one day left. tick tock, tick tock. (The clock never stops)–

I’ve begged and pleaded since the news. Jesus, spare my life, I’ll do anything, (Truth be told, I’m so drained of energy, I do well enough to function. Welcome to the truthful part of me)

Sunday night hit me differently. –“Daddy’s been dead 8 years on the 21st, and the day of my fate, (tick tock, tick tock) will mark the 8th year anniversary of when I last saw him alive”—- Coincidence, I think not!

Monday, February 20th,2023 let’s go to Lexington. I get up, shower, attempt to straighten my hair, (humidity you suck; thank you covid, and blonde bleach for the fuzz bucket look). My mom drove, and I was surrounded by my sisters, and niece. –

I want to back track a little; follow with me, I promise there is always a point, and relevance. — In December I celebrated Christmas. This Christmas was different. My Jericho walls were broken. — Every fiber in me now lives and loves (the catch, I’m so guarded, that it takes Jesus himself to show me its ok, when to guard and not guard) it took Jesus years to show me it’s ok to love these people, (note they adopted me in, just like Jesus grafted the gentiles into his Kingdom, and shows no difference, My Mom, Dad, grafted me in. I wasn’t biologically born of them, but they took me and my kids in as if I was and always have been one of theirs. – After celebrating a quick Christmas at home with Danny, Eli and my stepson, Me, Eli and Syrus went to Moms and Dads where we were surrounded by new siblings, my niece and nephews. — I really only thought we was going to and eat, (I always eat with them,) but no, as much as they done for their biological children, they had done for me Eli, and Syrus. But why; I wasn’t theirs. Because they loved me and they accepted me despite my flaws, setbacks, tears, and despite how many times I try to run from Jesus (do you feel me) Mom and Dad took me in. (Mind you, this was part of the promises of Jesus). — They’re coming to past.

Now, fast forward to my fate date and anniversary of the last visit, I had with my daddy. —

God, you take over. — I’m weak and wearisome.

Daddy, I’ll write to you.

I love you, and I miss you. I pray you know I spent that day wishing you was going with me. I pray you know I thought about you the night before and I posted about you on Facebook as the tears fell. I pray you know even though I don’t allow myself to sit and cry daily, I love you, and I pray you know that even though I call them Mom and Dad that no one will ever or could ever take your place or my mommy’s place. I’m hardheaded but not hardhearted. I’m numb, and think people are full of it (including myself,) but I’m not selfish and rude. I love them Daddy and they love me. They accept me, and I accept them. With all the hell I went through as a kid, (I know, I know my mom done her best; but still, I have scars from years ago) The Justice family are my normal, and I’m their adopted daughter/jokester. They can’t take me in a store, or well anywhere without me saying something, even while praying, I’ll throw it out there, (Jesus help me to sing, because I can’t follow a tune.) I make random jokes about loosening people up with mag citrate (just because they’re so tight). I think I get that part from you, but when I say I go overboard, it’s to the deep end where the anchor rest. I’d rather see them laugh than to see them cry. I’d rather keep the mood happy than show the sappy that lays inside me, you know what though, they know the sappy parts within. I talk their ears off, and they know all the hidden details. Mom and my sisters know all the brokenness, and they know things no one else ever will, and they love me. They never let me walk alone. — They are meant to heal me daddy, — Heal me from the brokenness of losing you. Jesus gave you your healing in heaven, and I was left with an open wound, shattered heart, and darkness. –They’re teaching me love don’t have to hurt. They’re showing me its ok to drop the walls. I needed them, they loved you daddy, and they’ll always lead me right daddy. One of these days, you and dad will dance on the shores of Jordan, with Jesus, and rejoice because all 3 of you have been my dad, but for now I’ll praise Jesus with them and dance on earth as we lead people their last mile home. I know you understand.

Now on to Monday February 20,2023. Tick tock, tick tock, the day is here. — As we got to UK, the appointment was in the hands of Jesus. Me and mom went into the clinic, as my sisters and niece waited outside. I checked in and took a seat. My vitals were taken, and I was called back shortly. As I set there, I notified people via messenger of the status (I’m in the back, pray!) I asked Jesus for peace, and for him to lead the doctors. —deep breathe, I’m not alone. I have people who love me and I won’t be scared.

The results were in. Remember– I was diagnosed with 50-69% blockage in both main arteries. —

But my Jesus (insert scene where you see a desk person throw their whole folder all over the floor)….

First, I saw an apprentice, and then I saw the specialist. — I was shown pictures of arteries with blockages, and I was shown pictures of my arteries. —-I was shown a miracle at the hands of the Father. — I WAS SHOWN NO PLAQUE, AND NO BUILD UP, MY ARTERIES ARE 100% CLEAR! I HAVE BEEN HEALED. oh, how I praise his name. My Mom spoke up and said “Christie, that’s because you have gotten in all those prayer lines, the apprentice looked completely confused, but he was given a powerful testimony of Jesus.– Was it a miss-reading from the original results NO! My doctor heard the sound of the arteries, the blockage was there, but I stand to tell you, my Jesus is a way maker, a promise, keeper, a light in the darkness, and he’s making a way in this desert that you feel you are wondering through. — Just hold on his promises are nigh!

He’s so good!

I spend the rest of the day testifying to everyone. The day of Daddy’s death came and went, but mind you, I’ll never forget the Miracle on the 8th Year! — What was supposed to be a day of sadness, turned to Joy because of Jesus. — And your Joy is coming back too! Just a little farther.

OH, random fact, — I have owl socks, I got them for Christmas from my family.

I want you to know whatever you are facing; you are never alone. I am praying. Jesus loves you more in a moment, than anyone could their entire life.

I love you!

Jesus loves you most!

❤ Christie ❤

Give God a little more time. He’s not rushing. –We are.

Random Fact, Jesus led my sister to make me a blanket and have it anointed. it is covered in pictures of the youth group children’s hands, photos from church, and it was anointed- I carry it everywhere. —One particular handprint is pictured below. – I hope you smile.

Isaiah 61:1-3 The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;  To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

Ephesians 2:10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do

Onward I press.

Like David fighting Goliath, I won’t fail!

The next two and a half weeks will be eventful.

Not only will I be facing all the fears when it comes to my brush with death, but I’ll be finding out the game plan.

The initial plan was to seek a vascular specialist a few hours out of town towards Northern KY, but thanks be to Jesus, my family Dr (whom I also call my friend and godsent) decided to also send me to the local specialist here at one of our finest (sarcasm, winky face) hospitals in east KY. She wanted me to have advice from two specialist instead of one. My heart is warm with her. Our hospital here in EKY may have a bad reputation but I reckon the doctor that I will be seeing is spot on. When panic manic set in over going to this facility all I could hear was “Do you trust God?” Why, yes I do! I do! I do!

Did I tell you; I hate doctors? God is using this for his good. Not only is my faith being pushed to the max beyond what I was ever able to get myself, but my fear is being shattered and I am being healed in areas I didn’t even know I was broken.

My first appointment is the 20th, and my second is the 28th.

I am scared, nervous, in tears, mad, hateful, overwhelmed, and overreacting. I am a ball full of emotions that I don’t want to feel.

But I am not alone.

I have Jesus, mom, my sisters, and my niece going with me to these appointments. I’ve got the whole army of heaven fighting this battle with me as my King stands front and centered. So, as I fall apart, I’m being held together. Why so shaken? You would be too if you were 37, with both your carotid arteries filled with plaque, not to mention the pain. I have pain that feels like a blood pressure cuff on my left arm, pain that radiates in my left artery, pain in my left shoulder, pain under my left breast, under my rib cage, and I have pain on the back side of my left rib cage in a similar spot. While I’m praying for a healing and I know it’s possible, this pain would have to leave for me to be convinced it took place before seeing these physicians. Otherwise, I’m left to believe that I’m going in to find out a resolution to the issue, whether it be surgery, medication (Please Jesus not the M word.) and or both. I’m out of it. But I refuse to believe this struggle will be the end of me. I know this struggle is making me stronger.

I see signs everywhere (owls, ladybugs and butterflies); almost daily. Sometimes I look for them, sometimes they find me. When I see the signs, I am reminded of Jesus. I am reminded that he is with me. These sweet signs comfort me when I am at my lowest and brighten my darkest of days. What do the signs mean to me, and how do I relate them to Jesus? I relate them to his promises, and he reminds me my work isn’t finished yet. Do you see Jesus when you see them? Do you feel Jesus when you feel them, or do you feel the hurt that comes alone with them. They’re not intended for pain; they’re intended for joy. They’re there for a reason. They are there for a reminder that he’s not left you, and they’re there to make you think of him also.

This brings me to another though. One I was thinking of while in my car pondering on writing.

What does the bible say about signs?

No such sign shall be given!

Matthew 16:4 A wicked and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign; and there shall no sign be given unto it, but the sign of the prophet Jonas. And he left them, and departed.”

You’re probably thinking “Crazy girl, what are you trying to say?”

I’ll go farther.

We do not know when are going to die. We, meaning you, me and everyone else must always have our hearts ready to meet Jesus. There isn’t going to be given some miraculous twinkling diamond sign that says he’s on his way, get ready or a bulletin board that says you’re going to die in 10 days, be ready. No, it doesn’t work that way. If it did, we would all live our lives how we wanted to and wait to the last second to prepare to meet Jesus. We are to live in the preparation, we are to prepare ourselves daily, and work on preparing others to meet him. How do we do that? Let’s look at the 5 wise and 5 foolish virgins, (I know I’m preaching a little, I’m confident in Jesus, not to be confused with arrogance. Let that sink in.-(I was a tad arrogant there. smile-)

Matthew 25: 1-13 Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. And five of them were wise, and five were foolish. They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them: But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps.  While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept.  And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him. Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps. And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out.  But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves.  And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut.  Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us.  But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not.  Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh

Now, I’ll explain. Here we read about 10 virgins. 5 virgins were wise (meaning they were ready, waiting, and kept preparing themselves daily) 5 virgins were foolish, they didn’t care how they lived, they just expected him to let them in because they were pure. You can be pure but without Jesus. You can be a good person but be without Jesus. You have to have Jesus in your heart. You have to have Jesus in your life, and you have to be ready, waiting on Jesus. We do not know when we are going to pass from this life to the next life, and we may very well be here when he comes back, but I assure you this, there is danger in delay when it comes to pushing Jesus away. It’s time to climb aboard that old ship of Zion with Jesus. It’s time to rededicate and let him back in, its time I say its time you have pushed me away for too long. (that last part, I’m going to leave it right there, I won’t say I don’t know where it came from because I do.) How can we heal the broken if we don’t allow him to heal us. Think about it. We can never really heal others unless we allow him to heal us. The minute we begin to heal a memory will rip off a scab and we’ll fall back. Its ok to mourn forever, but it’s also ok to smile beautifully because he’s working on you. Make amends with the maker and let him love you. He’s got a heart so big for you, and he cries when you cry. It’s beyond the tears of angels, like he wept for Lazarus, he weeps for you.

And just like that it leaves.

I’m going to be ok. I have Jesus. But I worry. I worry for you. — I won’t stop praying.

I’ll post updates as I get them and process them.

Welcome to my journey with God. Welcome to my real life as it happens, welcome to me falling apart, but being made whole. Watch me rise, take my hand I’ll help you up. You’ve never fallen to far down to where you can’t be picked back up. It’s not me that picks you up, and what I have to give you is not of myself, it’s of the Lord Jesus. Accept him, —

Acts 3:6-7 Then Peter said, Silver and gold have I none; but such as I have give I thee: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk. And he took him by the right hand, and lifted him up: and immediately his feet and ankle bones received strength.

I love you ❤

My Jesus, now he’s the man! and he loves you the most! ❤

Christie ❤

Do you feel me smiling. It’s real even though I hurt. ❤ insert broken heart too.

For whatever reason, this title has been on me the past few days. I’ll pray and ask Jesus to have his way with it.

Shall We?

This time I pray silent because I have a lot going on inside my mind and heart.

Bow your head and pray to if you choose and ask the lord to help you receive whatever he has prepared for you though this/his writing. I say his because I cannot even finish a blog unless his hands are upon them.

About a week ago right after laying down for bed Eli (my youngest rugrat) came and put his arms around me and said, “I’m going to marry you Mommy”, He then told me “And I’m going to give you a kiss.” He then gave me the biggest kiss ever on my forehead. I asked him are you going to give me a ring too maybe a blue one? (I was referring to wedding bands) he told me “Yes, but a little one, so you can’t get away or go far.” It took me a second to catch on, but I finally realized he was referring to “Sonic’s ring’s”, you know the ones Sonic tosses in the distance when he’s in trouble or just wanting to teleport. Yea, Eli was willing to give me a ring, but not one I could use to get away from him with. Gosh! love it. His precious conversation has replayed to me daily.

OK, Jesus how is this supposed to turn into a blog?

Just like the child like love of Eli towards me, Jesus feels the same way about all of us. Before we make our vowels to him, after we make our confession and daily when we are renewed in him, his love never changes. And… he doesn’t want any of us to get away from him.

Marriage is a unity. It’s for better or worse, good times, bad times, highs, lows, cuddles, snurls, cold shoulders, and shoulders for pillows. Whatever life throws at you when you are married to someone, they are your person. (Unless you get a divorce, and God hates divorce. Infact the bible tells us there’s really only one legit reason for obtaining a divorce which is adultery. Agree to disagree, but still, it doesn’t change his word.) Anyways, just like Eli wanting me to stay close to him because he loves me, Jesus wants us to stay close to him because he loves us and guess what he doesn’t give us a reason to divorce him. He’s always faithful to us. He provides, cares for, nurtures, and he is always there, even when we can’t feel him (I’ll raise my hand, wipe my snotty nose, and be the first to shake my fist in the air screaming his name) So… you’re perfect? I’m not.

I’ve wanted to throw my hands up. I’ve wanted to scream. Do you know how long I feel like I have been praying, then I see everyone else lives turning out so perfect. There’re times I’m like “Really, Jesus you only care for the perfect ones.” Look I’m only being real. At times I am a real mess. Then I began to think, there has to be a message in this mess. — Then it came tonight (after me telling Jesus the whole him only loving perfect people.) Broken heart symbol here.

“Flowers don’t grow without rain.”

Life is a flipping mess. I am up to my eyeballs in homework. I sleep in a separate room than my husband, (courtesy of Eli– its ok he’s autistic and I like my big old bed to myself and him. I’d rather roll over and cuddle someone I know feels safe with me, than to be around someone who makes me want to run away. Just saying) My arteries are like clogged Pipes. I’m on a strict diet 4 out of 7 days a week I live on fruits/veggies/whole grains. Then on the weekends I cheat a little. I exercise now almost every day. Everything I can do to better my crumbling health (except the cheat days, momma loves Mexican) My point is, Jesus doesn’t want us perfect, he doesn’t’ expect us to be perfect, he wants us loyal. He knows we are full of raw emotions, and he can handle them all, even when we can’t handle ourselves. —

The rain is falling. But I’m nearing my finish line, the same tears I’ve been crying I’m going to spit in the devil’s face. — That serpent, He don’t own me, and at times I may sound like him verbally, I’m not his or nor will I ever be.

My fat mouth (-10000) Jesus ❤ ❤ ❤ (1000000000) the devil –(he’s about to get knocked out)

–random fact–

Today I bought me 2 stuffed owls (one a key chain, the other a plushy)

God is with me. I won’t fear.

❤ I love you. ❤

❤ Jesus loves you most ❤

❤ Christie ❤

IMPRESSSION: Findings compatible with stenosis in the 50-69% range in the right and left internal carotid arteries. REPORT SIGNED 1/23/23 at 5:21PM.

NARRATIVE: PROCEDURE-US CAROTID DOPPLER BILATERAL: 1/23/23

CLINICAL INFORMATION: bruit

COMPARISON: none

There is visible atheromatous calcified plaquing in the bilateral internal and common carotid arteries. Mildly elevated peak systolic velocity in the right internal carotid artery measures 130 cm/s. Elevated peak systolic velocity in the left internal carotid artery measures 138 cm/s.

Flow in the vertebral arteries is antegrade.

&.. Just like that my perfect little world came crashing down.

I sat at my desk holding back raw emotions, as I text my mom, and my doctor. I saw the results and I knew it didn’t sound good. I wanted to know the depth of what damage I had done to myself through years of careless living. While talking to the receptionist at the clinic, my heart raced, and my throat tightened.

Both my main arteries that pump the blood from heart to my brain were filled with plaque, good news it’s below 70%, I’ve not yet made it to stroke range, but I need to see a vascular specialist.

Here comes the wind & oh, how she blows havoc.

God,

I know you’re there. I’m only 37. I’m so young. I have my whole life to live. I have children. Please spare me. If you will spare me, I’ll do all that you tell me to do, and I’ll lay everything aside for you. I’ll stop being so covetous. I’ll stop the wasteless spending. I’ll seek you more, trust you more, pray more, and I’ll do all that you would for me to do. I beg you please extend my years like that of Hezekiah in the bible. Please Jesus, spare me. I need you. I don’t want to die. I’m not ready to go yet. I know I’ve been disobedient, but I’m begging you, while bargaining for my life, please let me live. I love you and I need you now. I’m willing to trust you. Just please spare me.

My brush of death came like a whirlwind, when I never saw it coming. My only symptoms were and are a blood pressure cuff feeling on my left arm, and pain in my left carotid artery. I’m stubborn, I’ve felt this for about a year or so, and I accepted it as vitamin D deficiency. After taking vitamin D supplements and getting no relief. I finally decided I had to know what was going on, and I began to pray about it, that’s when Jesus showed me. This can happen to anyone. Life is not to be played with. This is not a game that we are playing. We have one life to live, and I believe firmly in living life for the Lord. I believe everyone is given one Life. I believe in life others are given more chances than some, but no matter what, we are not to take these chances for granted. I believe I have taken many chances/prayers for granted. I believe I have wasted so much of God’s time doing what I wanted in my flesh instead of serving in my spirit, that he had to shake me. I believe this is not the end for me or for you. I Believe this is only the beginning and that victory will soon be here. We just have to hold on to what God has promised, and to what has been shown. I believe in Miracles, and I believe that I am a miracle.

I am scared. I am not shaken. What the enemy meant to shake me, Jesus is using to make me kneel and trust him. I do not like doctors or medicine. All in all, trust maybe one or two doctors and the same applies to medications. I just hate it. I’ve went from drug addict to anti medication all together. Hating on doctors/medicine is the dumbest thing ever for someone like me who is going to school to be a nurse or possibly more if Jesus tells me to go farther. It clashes, it doesn’t mix. I can’t tell you to take your medicine, if I’m like nope I am not touching it. Double standards. I can’t heal you metaphorically speaking if I don’t let Jesus heal me not metaphorically speaking.

He’s healing me.

I see it all around me.

Walls are breaking.

He’s teaching me to love, forgive, accept, and move forward with him.

I’ve tried to control him over the years. You can’t control God. No one can. We are to submit ourselves to him and let him alone lead our lives. We are to live our lives in a way that is pleasing to him. Precious are we in his sight, but another twist, is rebellious are we in his sight (Ouch. that one hurt.) Hi, I am rebellious. I like to do what I want, when I want, and when I get in trouble, I like to cry out, “Jesus, save me!”. It doesn’t work that way. Jesus loves us the way that we are, but he doesn’t want us to continue to be stiff-necked and stouthearted. He wants us humble, broken, polite, sincere, true, and kind. He wants us as we are but wants us to be made into who he’s called us to be. He wants to transform us from who we are and into who he is calling us to be. He can’t do that if we are always living life according to our own agenda. We have to lay our agenda aside and say, “Lord, not my will, but thy will, be done.”

Genesis 1:27– So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them

Matthew 6:10–Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven

What image is this. It’s the image Jesus portrayed when he walked the earth. Jesus was the son of God. He came to this earth being born of the virgin Mary. A holy seed placed within Mary’s womb by God the father, God the spirit, God the HOLY GHOST. He was God in the flesh. Jesus left the example for us to follow by how he carried/handled himself in everyday situations. Yet, he humbled himself in obedience by dying the death on the cross for us. When he was spit upon, he never lashed back. He kept his mouth shut. Most of us including me, would have been throwing arms. I can’t imagine the look on his face, as he looked at them with the love in his eyes. When I think about the rejection Jesus felt, I get this image of a child in my head. I see a child who has just been hurt by someone they love, possibly a parent, or friend. I see the feeling of rejection, but silence of brokenness upon the child’s face. My heart sinks and I think of my own babies. His love for us is so pure, he just wanted to be loved. He loves us beyond what we could ever fathom.

Hebrews 4:15 For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.

He never riveled / fought back. He set the church in order. But he never lifted his hand to do harm to another.

John 1:14- And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth

Matthew 18:3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

I don’t know what you are going through today. But I do know Jesus has been pressing on me to write for some time now. I do know that you are going to be ok, and what was meant to break you is supposed to grow you, and make you grab ahold of him. I do know that Jesus loves you (and I’ll never stop telling you that, even if you end up hating me, I’ll still tell you Jesus loves you). I know Jesus is near in the fire, and he’s near in the darkness, and he’s near when the dawn begins to break.

I want to share this before I come to a close. I was praying the other day at the foot of my bed. As I was praying, I saw it flash before my eyes. I was in the wilderness/woods. It was dark. I could see the shadows of the tall dark trees all around, as I knelt to the ground beneath. It was as if I was praying there instead of at my bed. I glanced up and saw the dawn breaking over the horizon. —

Dawn is just a head. The pain will stop. You will have understanding. You will have closure. You will be set free.

As for me. I’m going to keep on following Jesus. I know he’s going to heal me. Since finding out the news I’ve stood in every prayer line I could. I know God is going to work a miracle on me. He is able to heal me without any procedures to clear my arteries, but even if he doesn’t, I will not fear. Just like the three Hebrew boys, My God is able, and but if he doesn’t, I still won’t surrender my faith, love and hope in him for anything the devil has to offer. Fear is not of God. Fear is a sin, and sin won’t have dominion over me! Jesus has dominion over me. —I know the 4th man, and he’s in this fire with me!!

Daniel 3: 16-18, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, answered and said to the king, O Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter. If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up ,

Daniel 3:24-25 Then Nebuchadnezzar the king was astonished, and rose up in haste, and spake, and said unto his counsellors, Did not we cast three men bound into the midst of the fire? They answered and said unto the king, True, O king. He answered and said, Lo, I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire, and they have no hurt; and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.

Nebuchadnezzar/the Golden image= Fear

THE 4TH MAN = JESUS

I have God on my side, and so do you. You, just need to be obedient and listen to that still small voice and pray for his spirit to lead and guide you.

For the giggles– I am surrounded by cats. I now have 3 Siamese cats in my house. Owley is my baby. She’s named after my love of owls. Bug is a lovebug, He’s named after my love for ladybugs, and Callie is the newest member of this clan of kitties. She got her name from her odd coat reminding me of a calico, turns out she’s a snowshoe Siamese. No more cats for me until I get my RN license and splurge on a Savannah cat. (Jesus forgive me, I said no more covetousness, in my defense this isn’t more covetousness, its continuing covetousness, I’ve wanted one forever. A domesticated housecat that gets a big as medium dog, me want, me want!) Carry on ❤

I love you, ❤

Jesus loves you most! ❤

Don’t never fear, you have Jesus! ❤

God’s Got this, you just have to be patient. ❤

Christie ❤

It’s time for healing, time to move on It’s time to fix what’s been broken too long Time to make right what has been wrong It’s time to find my way to where I belong There’s a wave that’s crashing over me And all I can do is surrender Whatever You’re doing inside of me It feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see. Time for a milestone, time to begin again Re-evaluate who I really am Am I doing everything to follow Your will Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills? So show me what it is You want from me I give everything, I surrender Time to face up, clean this old house Time to breathe in and let everything out That I wanted to say for so many years Time to release all my held back tears. Whatever You’re doing inside of me It feels like chaos but now I can see This is something bigger than me Larger than life, something Heavenly, something Heavenly– Sanctus Real

I should be dead.

But I am not.

I live to tell you, my testimony. I live to tell you about Jesus.

From the beginning of my teenage years until the 6 years ago, I was an addict. I say was in past tense because I am no longer bound, nor will I ever be again. I have been set free.

Don’t question, only know the saying “Once an addict, always an addict” does not apply when you come in contact with the one who died to set humanity free from any and all chains of bondage.

Generally, the term addiction means not having control over doing, taking or using something to the point where it could be harmful to you. While there are various forms of addiction such as shopping, sugar, gambling, sex, alcohol and drugs, my muse was drugs.

Growing up I had issues with my ears. I had to have several mastoid surgeries to repair a hole in my ear drum; it was then I was introduced to a world that would cost me almost everything, including my life. I remember it like it was yesterday, I was in pain, severe pain. My ear had just been cut open and stapled back together. One little pill, a cure all. Oh, the itchy, and scratchies. My body was in a haze, and nothing could touch me. All my ear pain was gone, plus a bonus, my troubles and sorrows seemed to fade with it. — I was around 12 years old. A clinical introduction to such a world at a very young age.

The Big Pharm people know exactly what they’re doing. –Statical encouragement. You need it, you have to have it, the memory remains.

Years passed, and life hit. I went from being an occasional drug user to a habitual drug user, to a flat-out drug addict, and then a junkie. The time span was age 16-25. Years of pain, and unacceptance left me wanting everything except reality. I wanted to live, but not my life. I wanted to feel but not the mental hogwash that was pressed on me. I wanted out, but I wanted to remain in. I wanted loved but felt unloved. I wanted hope but was hopeless. I wanted inclusion but was left with seclusion. I wanted freedom but fell to bondage. I wanted death but was given life.

The OxyContin train hit east KY when I was in my middle 20’s and entering wondering years of my addiction. I went out on a date with someone I had been sweet on for some time, and the offer came. (You see, I was a good girl also, and had reputation up until that point of only taking the typical Lortab, or Lorcets; even though I’d take them in mass numbers, I still stuck to the weaker pills) I was sitting in that truck and was given a Lortab of my own as he pulled out an oxy and proceeded to shave it up. I became curious about the oxy and since I had never touch them, I asked what could little bump or line hurt? “Are you sure, he asked,” Absolutely! — Game changer! I was hooked instantly. — Fresh out of a marriage, I was hurting mentally, but that one little bump, my oh my, I was untouchable. But you see that one little bump became, a slightly larger bump, and then a whole half a pill, and then a whole pill, in a matter of weeks. I just wanted more and more, and the first little bit, no longer hit me like it did in the beginning. I needed it, I craved it. Little did I know I was going to get to point where I’d do anything to get it, including sell myself.

Welcome to my world, where reality without drugs was hell, the reality of getting drugs put me through hell, and the reality of being on drugs was leading me to hell. This life lasted until I was 29.

Around the age of 29 I met my now husband. It was right after New Year’s Eve, and I was withdrawing. I was on the search again. I had no idea what I had found, and neither did he. Three days after meeting him, he dropped the words ” I love you”, and of course I was already dropping my pants.

I’m only being real. I don’t pretend to be fake. My blogs are not for the faint of heart, nor are they for the sensitive.

When I first met my husband, my daddy was dying. When I say I was hell on wheels, I was the image of the devil himself dancing with a man who was fearless, and full of love. I was rage, chaos, beauty, and sin. I was evil in every way, and I was broken. My lover was courageous, handsome, loyal, trusting, and pure. He loved me like no one ever had, and I loved what I could get, and I only wanted more. —

I wish what I went through on no one, mentally, physically, or emotionally. To have the one parent you have on a pedestal be nearing their death, in front of your eyes. My world became dark. I was dark. I didn’t care. Why did I need to care? I had already lost two children in an ugly divorce, and I could never get them back, and now my best friend. Life was unfair to me, and I was even more unfair to myself. I hated everything about me, and all I had left to love I was losing.

But there was Jesus.

My attitude began to shift and change, I got mean, hateful, and my body was beginning to do weird stuff. What was wrong with me? It couldn’t be withdrawal; Daddy was getting an endless supply from hospice and would often drop pills and I’d go crazy like a little dog and pick up every pill I could find. In no way was I dope sick. I was something, but not dope sick. According to Dr. Google, something else was brewing.

The day came, and mother nature was supposed to show up. –8A.M-Maybe not as early as I thought, 12P.M-I’ll wait until mid-day. No not yet. I knew if she didn’t show up by a certain time, my hateful tail was running to the store.

Family Dollar, I need you. Speedway, I have to pee.

There was Jesus.

I could no longer die; I had life growing within me.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks before my Daddy died. I didn’t deserve to live, much less to be pregnant. After all the hell I had caused, the two kids I had lost, the agony I had put my dying dad through, and torment I was causing to my future husband, I was pregnant. I had a reason to live.

Daddy passed when I was 5 weeks pregnant; there’s more, the very last day I last saw my dad alive, I saw the babies I had lost for the first time in over a year. God gave me a sign of life when death was in my presence. I’ll never forget it. I’m forever grateful.

I ended up getting in a suboxone program while I was pregnant, I married the following July, in September I gave birth to Eli, and in November Syrus and Jaylah met their baby brother. Jesus was there, but I didn’t know him.

The thing about pregnancy and grief was sometimes, they just don’t mix. In my case, I wouldn’t let them. I turned a page, only later to find myself, with a newborn, and without a dad.

Life hit once more, and I begin to search for answers again. I wanted Daddy. I needed Daddy to answer all these questions he was my go-to. But Daddy wasn’t there. I remember turning to a friend of mine. I remember asking her questions and she would tell me what Jesus wanted from me. I always believed Jesus was real, but this was different, and she was different. All I could do was cry. –She told me one day “Christie, you have to get yourself together”, I told her “You don’t’ understand, I feel God with you” — Just like that, I encountered God. But how? She wasn’t God, the difference was he was Jesus was Lord over her life. He went before her, after her, in front of her, behind her, and he was all around her. Jesus was/ is her God, and he lived/lives within her. She and her family allowed me to feel God by their obedience to God. — And he was Good.

While battling, postpartum, and wading the waters of a failing marriage, I’d turn to her with questions, and she’d tell me what Jesus gave her to tell me. I didn’t want to read it, but I needed it. God was drawing me in. My flesh was resistant, but my spirit wanted it. The fresh water, the taste of life, the love, the humility, the acceptance from a stranger and understanding of all pain.

Two days after I had spent New Year’s Eve with another man, partying away, my husband was furious, and had to go somewhere (I’m blessed it wasn’t divorce court), I remember him picking up the books Eli had tossed everywhere, he picked up the bible. I told him “I was going to read that bible, but I’ll read daddy’s bible instead” Please know I didn’t even think to read the bible, but Jesus had already gotten ahold of me, and taken over. I remember turning to the concordance/index found in the back of the bible. I looked up everything on salvation, and repentance. I read all the verses, and asked Jesus to save and forgive me, & just like that I was born again. I felt it. I felt the old life go out and the new life come in. The next day, I made my last trip to a suboxone doctor, under the newness of life Jesus led me to throw suboxone down cold turkey. I only hurt for about a week, when the pain came my friend and her husband would pray for me, the pain would go out down my legs and out my feet. —That’s the power of Jesus.

People say, you don’t know if you’re saved, or you don’t know if you’re going until you get there, I’m here to tell you, you know it, and you feel it. You feel the rebirth, you feel the old leave, and the new come in, you feel Jesus, and you feel the new heart began to pump. It’s a know so salvation! And it’s attainable by inviting Jesus into your heart and accepting him into your heart when he is knocking.

John 6:44–No man can come to me, except the Father which hath sent me draw him: and I will raise him up at the last day–

Has life always been easy? No, at one point I even told Jesus, I’m done, and was going to be the old “Christie”, I decided to smoke pot and buddy I thought I had gotten away with it; until he called me out and asked me “Where would you go if I came right now?” — He continued to talk with me and told me of a time when I could have died; it was when my Daddy was dying, and I was barely 100lbs. He reminded me of a time I had taken over 30 dilaudid 2’s in a day, for three days straight. Now follow me on this, the first day I had 30 dilaudid 2mg pills in my system that’s 60 mgs of dilaudid, the second day, that plus another 30 pills in my system, totaling 120mgs of dilaudid, (I should have died this day), the third day came, and I added another 30 dilaudid 2mgs to my system. I had around 180mgs of dilaudid in my system, not to mention all the benzos and marijuana. I was a walking corpse. I remember those nights too. I’d go to sleep and pray “Jesus please don’t let me die. Please don’t’ let me die.” It was dark, while I never saw flames, I saw glowing red in the distance. — During his conviction and whipping I remember his hand on my head as he led me through prayer. I remember him telling me he kept me alive for his will and for his purpose.

I’m reminded the purpose is for him, and for his glory.

You see it doesn’t matter what you are addicted to, or what walk of life you have come from. What matters is where you are going when you take your last breath. What matters is do you know Jesus and have you accepted him into your heart.

He says “. Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.”

The door Jesus is knocking on is your heart, and the heart he wants in is yours. The problem is, people want Jesus, and they want the world. Let him in and watch him transform your world.

Today, I celebrate life because he knocked, and I answered.

Today, I tell you, he’s a chain breaker, and a way maker, and he’s coming back soon!

Today, I’m live to tell you my testimony of how Jesus saved and sobered me up!

And today I tell you he can and will do the same for you; you just have to let him in!

Nowadays, I’m a Jesus freak. I love him and he loves me. I have a family who loves me, and who I love. He’s broken all the walls around my heart, and I’m learning to live again, one day, one chain link at a time. I’m pressing forward, and I want nothing more than for you to ask, ” How can I get to know your Jesus?” — He’s not just my Jesus, he’s everyone’s Jesus, his blood was shed for all.

Remember: I love you and Jesus loves you most!

❤ Addiction, meet Jesus! ❤

❤ Christie

Isaiah 40:31 – But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Psalms 37:4 Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

Tonight, was hard.

For so long I have been waiting for the commandment from the Lord to write Jaylah a letter. The commandment came just one day shy of her birthday.

My nerves were rattling within me, my heart raced, the tears flowed. Jesus please give me your words to say to her, on my knees I met him with repentance and with reassurance he led the letter.

You see, I do not want to do anything outside the will of Jesus. I do not want to get a head of him or get too far away from him when trailing behind him. I want to walk right next to him, in his shadows. I choose to rest in his pavilion. I choose to anchor myself, and my heart in his hands. I choose Jesus over my own fear, my own anxiety, my own ways, my own actions, my own decisions. I want my life to mirror that of his image. I want to be made in the very image that Jesus himself created for me before he ever formed me in my mother’s womb. I want my heart to love like him, even if it means swallowing my pride, admitting my wrongs and pushing through the hardest days of my life. I want Jesus over everything.

Mark 8:36 For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?

You’re going to have setbacks in this life. You’re going to have ups, downs, twist, turns, and some things are going to come by complete surprise, but the one thing that you do not need to let hit you by surprise is the day of the Lord, which draweth nigh. –Always, I urge you too always be ready for that you’ll meet the Lord.

My whole goal, and purpose in this life is to serve Jesus and to be ready for him to take me home. For a man or woman to die in sin is a death sentence. — An everlasting death sentence of hell! Jesus doesn’t want any of us to die in sin. He loves us so much he came and died for us.

Obedience is better than sacrifice. If Jesus is telling you to do something, don’t be scared, just take a step, he will meet you there. —

I am praying!

Remember Hell is a place of torment, you do not want to go there, but you will if you don’t repent, and ask Jesus into your heart. His arms are open.

Tomorrow is Jaylah’s birthday, it will be hard, but I will tackle it with Jesus. I will pray Jesus sends me the Holy Ghost to be my comfort, and my guide. I will pray, and I will trust. — I done my part, I listened, I wrote the letter. I know my Jesus will do the rest.

I love you ❤

Jesus loves you most ❤

Christie ❤

christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

My Dearest Jaylah,

Words cannot begin to express just how sorry I am for pushing you away. Words alone can never take back the pain that I feel I have caused you. Words alone cannot say exactly how sorry I have been for pushing you away from me and making you hate me. I’m so sorry. I have thought about you almost every day. I regret the words I said to you, and I regret how selfish I was towards you. They say time heals all wounds, that’s a lie. Time has not healed this wound. Time has only made my heart rip open and pour to the ground. Time has stood still since April. Time has been stuck in replay for me. Time has been non-stop me reliving the pain I caused you. Time has been stuck in a time capsule, of endless tears, emotions, thoughts, and praying. I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. I’ve begged Jesus to mend our relationship. I’ve cried out when I can’t cry out. I’ve grown sick with emotions at times and had to suck it up and carry on with my days. I feel like I’m in an ocean on a raft, the waves often leave me motion sick. I feel absent, and alone. I feel lost and undone. I feel miserable and none of it is your fault. Please don’t think I am saying or would ever say it is. What I am feeling is the consequence of my own actions. The way I treated you that night, and not only then but really the past year or so have been selfish. I have tried to buy your love. I have tried to show you I love you by purchasing you whatever I thought would make you love me. I done wrong. And I never knew how to show you love outwardly, but I promise you, inwardly I have always loved you. I have loved you since I knew I was pregnant, whether a boy or a girl, I knew I loved you. From the moment your Daddy and I sat down on the porch outside to pick out your name(s) I knew I loved you, and I know that I will always love you. There will never be anything or anyone that will ever replace my baby J. Even if I some how ended up with 10 more little girls, none would ever replace my JJ Girl. You are irreplaceable to me. You’ll forever be irreplaceable to me. Please don’t think I’m writing this letter to try to weasel my way back in. I have thought many times to write you but could never find it within my heart to bother you. I do not want to bother you; I do not want to push you farther away. I completely respect your life and your privacy. I will not hound you; I will not press you, and I will not try to get you to acknowledge me. I only wanted to say I am sorry, and I do love you. Your birthday is tomorrow. Oh, how I dread that day. Somehow, I have to force myself to get up and go to work, I have to make myself do my makeup, and put on the best fake smile my patients have ever saw. I have to fake it until I make it home tomorrow evening. It hurts because I have hurt you. For what its worth, I want you to know, that I am wishing you a very Happy 14^th Birthday! You Deserve the best baby girl, and you deserve the world. PS. I’m thankful that you finally got to go live in Tennessee like you wanted. To hear that you are happy is well enough for me. To know that you have peace within your heart and to know you have place where you finally feel like you belong brings me joy. I know you are loved, and that’s all that matters. Just please know you are loved by me, and your rotten little brother Eli loves you too. He asks about you. He is on Roblox if you still play, his username is different from week to week because he can’t stop signing out of Roblox and making me make a new account. Boys will be boys, and Eli is well Eli.  —- I’m always here if you decide to talk, and I am on snap chat too my username is gimme_jesus73  If you don’t ever want to talk that’s ok to, I understand. Just know, I’m always, always thinking about you, and you’re always, always loved. – Love Mommy, Christie.