Can I be real? I am exhausted beyond words, and I’m back right at the two-way mirror. I miss the me I was 2 years ago. I do not like this me, I hate her. Now I love myself, but this broken version, my only question is WHY GOD? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? AM I THAT BAD OF A PERSON? HAVE I SINNED TO MUCH, AND WHEN IS MY RESTORATION COMING?
It’s like as I type that I can hear the devil laughing at me, but one thing is certain in all of this and in all of my life, I have learned to never stop praying no matter the case, or circumstances, God listens, God hears, and he’s near to the broken,– ONLY I WISH HE’D COME A LITTLE CLOSER TO ME RIGHT NOW. In all of my agony, and anguish, I’ll tell you this, God is still good, and I’ll get the victory one day, even if not on this earth, I’ll get it on the other side as long as I keep holding on.
Do not think I am thinking bad thoughts, yeah that’s not me, all I’m saying is those who really do not give up on God, will see their reward. I don’t know where God is leading me anymore, but I will say this, I’ll never stop calling out his name now, even when I can’t find the words, and when I am isolated into a deep place where tears only fall, I’ll call upon him.
I’ve fallen so much, but I will not stay here. Someway, somehow, it’s time for change, and I have to change. I refuse to be like this in a month from now, I have goals, I’ll get there. I have a dream of being a nurse, an OB nurse to be exact and one day I’ll get there. I didn’t work my butt off for nothing, but right now I just need to rest, I got to breathe, and I have to trust this process, even if it hurts.
I remember the later end of Job how it was greater than the beginning. Often at times, I’ve turned my back on God, and right now it’s hard to focus on his word, but one way or another I’m rebuilding that relationship, and even if it’s a verse a day, I’ll get there. I’ll push and pray, I’ll ask God to numb it all, if me losing everything in this life is what it takes to bring me closer to JESUS so be it. I’d rather lose this life than to lose my Jesus. I’m the queen of ghosting people, and if ghosting this world is what it takes to find my solitude and that solid foundation again within Jesus, I’ll do it.
One thing I am learning is to stop reacting out of emotions, and to force myself to react out of truth, and the truth is, I simply know God is good, and everything else seems so far away at this time. I’m holding to my kids, clinging to my faith, and pressing through that crowd on my knees crawling as I feel like this world is trampling over me, I’ll make it to Jesus, I’ll get my redemption, and I’ll get my full deliverance, and I’ll learn to walk again in his truth and presence, but right now I just got to rest and trust he has me, he has me, he has me. He catches every tear, every thought, he knows, everything, he see’s everything, and he carries me. I’m learning to vent to Jesus, Sarah (yeah ain’t no one messes with her – Imagine that one BFF who will pray fire down on your enemies, yep that’s her) and I vent to my daughter, (yes, I’m that old, and still having kids). My baby will be 18 soon, and I’m telling you in so many ways she’s been my saving grace in all of this madness. I could not be prouder of her and the wisdom she has within her mind, her stillness, her understanding, her bold presence, being there to listen when I’ve lost my marbles, She’s amazing. She’s my precious J. Personally, my chaos is just too much for anyone else to handle, and I do not need therapy, not that I am reluctant, I just don’t need it, all they’re going to do is give me techniques that I’m not willing to follow, right now, it’s the strength of Jesus I am relying on to carry me through this season, and honestly he is enough.
In my brokeness, he’s in the restoring season.
❤ I’m pretty sure that’s all I have, so I guess, that’s all folks, carry on. ❤
❤ C.S.H.
April 06, 2026 – May 06, 2026,
As long as I am living, my baby you’ll be, though for a moment, I cradled you in my stomach, for my lifetime your memory will remain. If I could go back, I would have stayed awake every moment I could, just to hold my stomach, and hold on to you a little longer.
For His Glory 
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