For His Glory

Jaded, complicated and a state of being stuck, what-ever you would call it, thats where I am.

Hi God it’s me again Christie; I think this is the proper opening for this blog, even though I’ve been crying out for about a week or so now.

I don’t know who this blog is for, typically I don’t have an audience, and I have few people who actually read them. When I write its mostly for me and whosoever else will make their way to my page. I don’t advertise, I just write from the heart, and I write whatever God lays on me at times. I’ll be blunt; tonight I think it’s more self-lead than God lead.

I AM A BROKEN MESS. I feel like an absolute nutcase, and I’m so destroyed that I simply feel like I have my head inside a paper bag; silently suffocating. Rapidly In with the oxygen, and out with CO2, respiratory alkalosis at its finest (hyperventilation, sorry nursing school PH pun). It’s been one hell of a year, so to speak. All the details I won’t hash out, but recently, damn I cannot catch a break.

I’m raw now. I’m not who I used to be. I look back at the fire breathing Christian that I used to be and often question, “Where is she?” I see myself through a two-way mirror. The Woman of God I used to be is on one side, and this version of me that I am now is on the other, right hands on the glass touching, tears and mascara rolling down their cheeks.

Ohio was supposed to be our break!! Ohio was supposed to be our new beginning. OHIO is my breaking. I’ve only been to church once in a year; (over Easter with my family; while visiting KY. I got the honor of singing with my sister).

And then came April 2026… I managed to get back into college in pursuit of my nursing degree. I once worked my butt off to maintain a 4.0 GPA, my grandmother died, I got a divorce and feel off the bandwagon. I fell in love, got remarried, and still wasn’t able to get back on the bandwagon. But here comes APRIL 2026, my score was high enough for the nursing program, I got in, I got accepted.

First day of class, great– but my body felt off. I go home take a pregnancy test, and well, there it was- my life before me. I kept this hidden for a few days before telling my husband, due to my previous miscarriages, and not knowing how he would react, I didn’t want to tell him. When I did find the strength to tell him, while his reaction wasn’t what I was hoping, he accepted it. Everything was ok at first. My levels with this pregnancy were increasing, and then they didn’t; a knife to the chest, was the inevitable coming for me again?

That’s when I really began to cry out to God. WHY GOD WHY? Not again. From April 06, 2026-May 06, 2026, life is pretty much a blur of HCG counts, dropped college classes, bleeding lots of it, mentally and physically. I know others have gone through it, but the multitude of the grief and fright that I endured is as grand Mt. Everest., and unimaginable. About 2 weeks into my pregnancy, when my levels began to slow down with increase quants, I found a women’s clinic that saw me, my baby was high in my uterus, and a big round water sac, very early, but perfect. I was to come back in two weeks. The next day I began to spot, it would come and go and finally it got to where it stayed. About two weeks later on May 5th, 2026, I finally got into an OB doctor I was told I was bleeding (ya think. I wasn’t quite sure what this red / brownish stuff was, -insert eyeroll). I was told my baby was low in my cervix, yes there was a yoke sac, but I’d pass it within 24 hours. There was life, I begged God, please don’t take my child, but I knew what I was facing especially with everything I was seeing. On May 6th, I woke up, I knew what was coming this day. I felt it as soon as I woke up, I was in labor at just 6weeks pregnant. I was due to return to the women’s clinic this day, so in denial I went for a second opinion, just looking for hope that the previous doctor was wrong. I knew in my heart to stay home, but I just had to see. I saw my baby again, it was there, I was offered one more picture, and I politely said no, I could not bare it. I knew death was on my doorstep again. I tried to numb it as I drove home, feeling the light contractions in my stomach. As the day pressed on, I began to hurt more and more and more, about 5PM I went to the restroom and passed my child. I messaged my daughter, and then my husband and sat there in numbness, staring, holding; to numb to cry, to hurt to feel anything, too out of it to budge off the floor. I cannot tell you how long I sat there. Somewhere I said goodbye, and I let go. I bled for a few days. On day 3 post miscarriage I passed my gestational sac, and then it seemed to taper off. On day 8 post loss, I found a different OB, one with better mannerism. As a woman I know it’s important that I take care of myself, and I had to be sure my body was going back to normal. This OB was perfect, and sincere. Initially I was scheduled for a follow up in two weeks for ultrasound evaluation to check for any remaining tissue, but it was thought that everything had apparently cleared out since, my bleeding was slowing down and seeming to kind of be stopping. And then comes day 10 post miscarriage, I hurt all day on my right side, I drank almost an entire bottle of Pepto, thinking it would help. I used a heating pad, and sought rest, I googled every symptom, I wasn’t bleeding really, I was just in severe pain; That night my bleeding increased, ok. normal I think, it will go away, or it should have, especially with how light it got, doesn’t make sense for it to randomly just come back like that much less with vengeance. The next morning, I awoke to what was basically another full-blown miscarriage at day 11 days post miscarriage, excessive bleeding and all; only this time there was pregnancy tissue and lots of it. No exaggeration needed, for me to be scared, its bad. I don’t get it, twins were not detected, however my initial HCG count was high enough to be twins, only one gestational sac was there, and only one yoke sac was visible, and I do not know how someone could retain that much tissue, especially with a 6-week pregnancy. Day 12, May 18, 2026, I call an on-call doctor and explain what is going on, an emergency appointment landed me at an early ultrasound to check for retained tissue, every lab you can think of was drawn, (literally 12 tubes of blood; as if I have not lost enough, eye roll again, but these doctors know what they’re doing and I trust them).. and now I’m waiting. Waiting on Labs to come back anytime, waiting on the results of my ultrasound to see if I need a DNC, or hysterectomy, I will fight for my right to not get this, unless its life or death, and on top of all this chaos, my marriage, my marriage, my marriage.

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