For His Glory

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. I’ve just not had the heart or mindset to do so, however last night, today and tonight the urge has been pressed upon me. I don’t know why I feel the need to write, but as always I’ll pray and ask God to help me.

Father, I pray, I pray, I pray, help me to write, help me to open up and give you the lead on whatever there is that needs to be spoken, and or typed. Use this blog as a reflection of what’s within, without and what’s going on for your glory and for a light to those who are walking or have walked similar paths. I know Lord, you alone help me write, and without you I simply cannot complete any such writings. Jesus I ask that you speak to me also as I go back and reread what has been written. & Jesus I know I am not where I need to be in this life, so I ask that you take me there. Amen.

Pain, agony, heartache, grief, anger, rage, and trauma; 7 words all related, 7 words that describe my prison.

I’m stuck. I’m in a state of constantly being stuck, and confused. I can’t go forward and I can’t go backwards. Forward, I don’t want to face because of all the uncertainties (I trust God; just not people anymore, including myself); Backwards is a direction I’ve been trying to go for months, sadly I can’t go back. I keep trying to go back to the 2nd week of September 2024 when I was in a state of healing instead of despair.

Marching on..Shall we??

Grief

Grief is very messy; but why do people grieve? Grief isn’t always caused by death, it can be caused by numerous things such as childhood experiences, financial burdens, and self procrastination.

The informal definition of grief is actually trouble or annoyance, while the formal and most familiar definition of grief is deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.

I have experienced both versions of grief; in general I think most people have; although the human mind is unaware what is really going on. — not sure if any of that made any sense.

My trauma began as a child (hint go back and read my other blogs). I witnessed events that I’d not wish upon anyone, while yes, everything could have been worse, I’m thankful it wasn’t. A few small points, I watched my sister be molested, my stepdad was an alcoholic, drugs, alcohol, emotional neglect, etc. I’m sure you get the picture, but that’s not what’s ailing me…….

This past year has sucked! There I said it. My heart screamed it. In the silence of the night with nothing playing inside my mind but haywire emotions, THIS PAST YEAR HAS SUCKED!!!

It’s been a year that has made me want to go backwards.

I wish I could just see her face again. I wish I could hold her hand and say I love you one last time. I wish I could talk to her and ask her what the crap do I do next in life. My grandmother. My fortress, my second mom, my bestfriend, my super woman in this life; Gosh I’m so lost. June 9th, made a year she had been gone, June 12th made a year she had been buried, and today I’m lost. I’m as lost as I was the day I saw her take her last breathe. I can’t bring her back, I can’t go back, and can someone tell me how the heck I go forward (Before you give me advice; know I do not want to hear it!! I am stuck. Leave me alone on the pep talks; or leave them to Jesus, or Sarah or whoever knows how to get to me, because few do; I’m some kind of screwed up puzzle right now; whose pieces are all over the floor)

I’m angry; not just because of my grandmother but because of myself also.

I’ve lost me. I’ve lost who I was.

I was the woman that could always see beneath someone’s pain; I preached to people for years that they still existed beneath the trauma and I tell myself and husband daily, I’m not me, I’m alive underneath all this, but I don’t think he understands. He’s never gotten to know the real me, only a glimpse of her, & boom at the first sign of heartache (all relationships have ups and downs) like a masked rider & runaway bride; I vanished in the thick and middle of the night. I dabbled in alcohol, picked up cussing, and I went with the newest emotions that I recently begun to feel “ANGER & RELEASE”… only anger & release are the names of the demons that decided to take my hands and run.

Since January 2025; I’ve been pregnant twice; both ended in miscarriages; hello grief, self blame, self pity. Well, hello there anger, where did you come from again; you’re new to me and you put sadness at bay…

Why did I have to lose my babies? Not one but two babies back to back; I prayed for them. I loved them. Why me? I know 1 in 4 women experience miscarriage, but my life was already in a spiral now this, talk about icing! Now, the first miscarriage wasn’t as physically horrendous as the second one. The second miscarriage I thought for sure I was bleeding out. The physical weakness is something I’ll never be able to place into words. I should have probably gone to the hospital but I refused, instead I called upon Jesus and he came though. Now, both were equally mentally and emotionally draining. I’m still trying my best to cope with the losses. Mother’s Day was hell for me. I was so hurt I didn’t want to be scene. Yes, I have 3 living children, no I’m not selfish but I should have been pregnant; experiencing the kicks and flutters from my pregnancy’s; only I was feeling sadness while riding a rollercoaster of emotions, Anger take me away; I don’t wanna be so down; I’d rather be able to run through a wall.

Have you ever experienced adrenaline? When anger takes over, and the release sets in, I can run. I can run my mouth, spill out everything I’m feeling, talk in circles; I don’t make any sense, I’m like a ping pong ball just being smacked between the two; until one hits me out of bounds and then it takes ME, forever to find me.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Oh, this hurts, it’s sadness again; I’m still alive, Jesus please help me.

In the stillness, in God’s stillness I find myself, weeping at his feet. You’d probably even question how someone like me finds themselves again when back at Gods feet right, I’ll tell you how, because when I’m alone with God, I can be myself, my real self, the version of me my husband doesn’t know, and the version I long to be again.

For the most part I wake up and don’t even remember who I am anymore. I remember Jesus and I talk to him, but once that switch is flicked, All I know is anger and release. I know I countlessly pray and ask God to forgive and help me, but I also know I’ve became a prisoner of my brokenness; not only that, but my visitors only see me in my prison; only the ones who knew me before know who I am. I speak of her often, but where she went to is so deep within that prison that only the strongest of souls can reach her.

I’m at a breaking point.

It’s break out of this prison or die in here.

& I’m not ready to let myself, my true self die.

🩷Christie

Ps. If God can help me and is willing to help me of all people, then he can help anyone.. I think I keep him busy coming after me daily.

My advise is this. Always talk to Jesus. No matter what; talk to Jesus, talking to him is what’s kept me alive, or else I’d be gone for good.

I’m so angry.

For years I have tried to do the right thing always placing others before myself, only to be last on most totem poles and never first. I done this because that’s what one is supposed to do right?

My anger caught up to me.

I’m sick.

I’m tired.

I want to be first.

I want to matter.

I know I matter to God and my family, and maybe I am selfish for wanting to be first in someone’s eyes.

Why is this season breaking me? Why does it feel like God has left me? Did I really get that far from him? Why does it feel like he’s breaking me and molding me down. Why does the purification hurt so bad.

I never knew I had such anger in me.

I was so happy; so healthy full of life and I craved Jesus; now all I crave is for the pain to stop.

I sat in my car begging God, screaming to him asking him to just make it stop; all the mental and physical pain. I begged him to do something about it; & if it’s not going to stop to forgive me and take me home.

But that’s not how life is.

We can’t bargain with God, his ways are just and holy & who are we to ever compare our pain to his goodness even when life sucks or seems unfair.

Do you think (& I’ll speak to myself first) that Job wasn’t angry and upset when he lost it all.

Yes he was, he begged God to let him go on home, but God he had other plans and in the end he had more than he had in the beginning..

I’m so angry.

I try so hard with people.

I have got to get to where people and their opinions no longer matter and that keeping my hands in the hand of the Lord is what matters, but how?

The pain is too much.

Feeling lost and unwanted and under appreciated while trying to force the motions is very real. I hate school and I love school. It’s a tug of war where the finish line is so close that I can’t breathe.

My marriage; I made the mistake of downgrading and disrespectful talk before in other blogs about how hurt I was in my previous marriage and this one; I lift up to God while begging Jesus just let me see the finished line.

I wasn’t supposed to love anyone.

I was invincible.

I was numb.

Like a cracked egg; I’m all over the place running out without containment; and I’m trying to put myself back together in the process.

I don’t recognize myself.

When I look in the mirror I see tears, pain and the most unloveable person on this planet. I am my own worst enemy; so I don’t need others picking me apart because I do that enough in this life.

I’m so angry.

I’m so full of hate.

I’m so full of rage.

I’m so hurt and I just can’t seem to come back to my senses of how life is supposed to be and I can’t seem to grasp life without Gods ultimate help; my major problem is I am refusing Gods help.

This is my toughest season and I’m walking alone.

It’s pouring the rain; my heart is bleeding without stitches strong enough to stitch it. I think of Jesus and his hands on my heart, as he holds me close.

Maybe the purpose of this is to teach me I don’t need love from anyone except Jesus alone. In my isolation I am so angry.

But I feel him near and he holds me close.

❤️Christie.

I’m not ok.

Simple words, honest words.

Those who say they know do not know and mostly everyone is void of understanding. I can’t explain this sadness but darkness seems like it’s all around. I see a light in the distance, but in body, mind and soul I almost feel like I’m too weak to make myself crawl to it.

I used to be so strong, now I’m beyond weak. I’m fragile and a hollow shell of who I used to be.

Yesterday made 10 years that my dad had been dead, and today makes a month since I lost my baby.

I’m surrounded by pain and memories.

I have to face it.

He’s never coming back, and my child will never be in my arms. I never even knew I could love someone so quickly so soon, until I saw those pink lines. I didn’t even hear the heartbeat but every heartbeat in me longed for that baby to live. I would have given my last heartbeat just for it to have survived.

This is a painful season.

No one understands it; everyone’s losses are different, though similar in meaning when it comes to love and depth of the heart, different in the circumstance and relational aspects to those that passes.

This place I’m in mentally feels like I have no air, the oxygen is growing thin, and the dust of the earth wants to consume me.

But I won’t stop.

I’ll put my best fake face towards the world and give it what it wants; smiles, craps and giggles, but never me. A fragile soul longing for truth and compassion, a warriors heart that’s constantly being shattered by those that she loves the most. Will it ever stop? Probably not, but what’s love without war? I’ve consumed so any cuts in the last month I’ve bled out without recognition….

I don’t know me anymore,

& I don’t expect anyone else to either….

Jesus. Please send SOS. I feel like I’m waving my hands held high in the air, and as you come closer Lord, I hide myself, I’ve lost it all now, even myself. I’m afraid of what might be, I’m afraid of all that’s happened, & I’m afraid to move forward.. I’m stuck in quicksand..

Faith, love, hope.

The greatest of these is love.

Love is breaking me. & I’m unworthy.

❤️Christie.

Moments with Jesus today.

I woke up with a song on me today. (Chris Tomlin, I Will Rise ). While listening and worshipping Jesus, Paul and Silas was dropped into my Spirit, and then well Jesus took over..

Scripture. —

Acts 16:22-26 (22)The crowd joined in the attack against Paul and Silas, and the magistrates ordered them to be stripped and beaten with rods, (23) After they had been severely flogged, they were thrown into prison and the jailer was commanded to guard them carefully. (24) When he received these orders, he put them in the inner cell and fastened their feet in the stocks, (25) About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them . (26) Suddenly there was a such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison was shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open and everyone’s chains came loose.

Follow me if you would, while I allow Jesus to take over and lead.

Back story. Paul and Silas had been preaching and teaching the Gospel of Jesus. Acts 16 16-19 tells of an account where Paul and Silas were on their way to a place of prayer, where they encountered a female slave who had a fortune telling spirit in her. That female slave then began to follow them around announcing who they was. — She was shouting, “These men are servants of the Most High God, who are telling you the way to be saved” — She kept saying this, and finally after many days Paul got annoyed with her and rebuked that Spirit in the name of Jesus, it left her and her owners became upset that she was no longer able to make them money, so they seized up Paul and Silas and dragged them to the marketplace to the magistrates. Basically complaining and making a riot, saying “Look what these men did!!,” Can you imagine, how bothered the owners of that slave was? They was upset, they threw a fit, and said this goes against our customs!, They wanted Paul and Silas to stop preaching and teaching the Gospel of Jesus.

In verse 22, the crowd joins in on the attack. ( Think angry Mob that had Barabas released from prison instead of Jesus)…. the magistrate then orders them to be stripped and beaten with rods.

The Greek term for “Beaten with Rods” translates “Rabdizo”(found 2x in bible as a verb means, and it means to hit with long stiff sticks, “Rabdos” found 12x in bible as a noun means staff, scepter, stick, branch, (tree limb).

verse 23 in KJV reads , And when they had laid many stripes upon them, they cast them into prison, charging the jailor to keep them safely:

There’s no doubt in my mind that these Roman soldiers were trained in how to beat someone, and Paul and Silas received more than enough strips to kill them, and then were placed into the inner room of the prison, where a guard was placed there to watch them and make sure nothing happened to them. (or that no one tried to escape, or nothing went on) The people ordering them to be placed inside the prison were no strangers when it came to knowing what happened to Jesus, and they didn’t want Paul and Silas to get back out and continue preaching and teaching the Gospel, but also they knew Jesus wasn’t in the tomb the next morning and they wanted watch on Paul and Silas to make sure they didn’t go anywhere… They knew Jesus body wasn’t stolen, (Matthew 28:13), so they knew anything could happen.. So they placed watch on them, to make sure these men who they made an example out of didn’t just walk away.

However—–

verse, 25-26 Tells of a whole new level of praise.–

I promise I am going somewhere with this.. I just got to give God his way.

25. About Midnight Paul and Silas they were PRAYING and the other prisoners were listening to them.

26. Suddenly, there was such an earthquake. that the foundations o the prison were shaken and everyone’s chains fell off..

I feel Jesus on this.

LISTEN. 2 men who had just been beaten and should have died, were in prison, naked, bound in shackles, no doubt it was dark, cold, they were freezing, shivering in the darkness, BUT.. JESUS, BUT JESUS. These men’s heart’s were set, and focused, it was all worth it for Jesus. so THEY PRAISED HIM ANYWAYS. They praised him so hard with their whole hearts, and they sang hymns to him anyways, even though they had just been beaten for him. They praised him anyways, their heart’s and minds were in ONE MIND AND ONE ACCORD. (did you catch that, THEY WAS IN ONE MIND AND ONE ACCORD) and they praised him despite their circumstances, then what happened.. the earthquake came and the chains fell off the other prisoners who were listening!!!

I want to preach a minute.

Matthew 18:20 For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

No doubt God was in the midst of Paul and Silas, and just like the upper room when they began to praise him, the holy ghost came down and shook the very foundations of the prison! and Chains and shackles fell off not only them but everyone in the prison!

THIS AINT JUST PHYSICAL CHAINS!

AMERICA NEEDS A REVIVAL LIKE THIS

We need to be in one mind and one accord despite our circumstances and despite what we have gone through. Life is not easy. It rains on the just and the unjust. Bad things and good things happen to all of us. And I get it its hard at times, but now is not the time to go slack on God, now is the time to feel the rumbling in the spirit and let it rumble you until it begins to rumble the next person. Now is the time to press in, press on, and let God elevate you.

Valleys are hard.

Depression is hard.

Sin is hard.

Sickness is hard.

Backsliding is hard.

Being Cold on God is hard.

BUT LUKEWARM won’t be accepted. Get on Fire for Jesus. Roar until your shackles fall off.

GET A HOLD OF THIS REVIVAL THAT’S BREAKING OUT!!

God is moving in the midst of his Children, and guess what HE WANTS YOU. He wants you to join this mighty mighty crusade of his warriors that are going forth with his message of redemption, authority, goodness, chainbreaking miracles, authority, goodness. I repeat it because it comes back to me to repeat.

GET ON BOARD WITH JESUS.

Be a Paul and Silas in the midst of the trouble.

There is healing in his word, his love and his power.

How do you get that healing?

Cry out to him. Even if you can’t pray and all you can say is, “Help me Jesus, then do that. He wants you, you are special to him, and he loves you so much. He wants you to know he is for you, not against you. This world is telling you God hates you, but the Devil is the prince of this world, he’s the prince of Darkness, and he’s trying to keep you in a place of despair because he know the minute you breakout of the chains, and you step into your anointing, that God will use you to break the chains off others!

Zechariah 4:6-7 6 Then he answered and spake unto me, saying, This is the word of the Lord unto Zerubbabel, saying, Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the Lord of hosts. 7. Who art thou, O great mountain? before Zerubbabel thou shalt become a plain: and he shall bring forth the headstone thereof with shoutings, crying, Grace, grace unto it.

THIS IS THE SEASON GIANTS FALL.

I love you all.

Jesus loves you more!

Amen

I am tired.

I am physically tired.

Right now, at this very moment, my mind is collapsing due to my body feeling like its being taken through some sort of sickness.

This week I was originally scheduled to work three twelve-hour shifts in a row, but due to my youngest son being sick with hand foot and mouth virus, I only worked two.

Around mid-day today, I began to feel sick. I usually do not get sick. UGH. Where is this coming from?

I work in a hospital. I am around a lot of patients, and Eli tends to bring cooties home from school; common sense right, however I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO BE SICK!! On top of that I have some health problems trying to creep upon me, again I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO BE ANYTHING BUT HEALTHY. Apparently, my body thinks otherwise. My eyes are rolling this time at myself. We all get cruddy at times, I guess I don’t need to be a brat about it. Rant over, tomorrow I may take myself to a doctor.

Initially, I wasn’t thinking of writing tonight; but here came Jesus around 3ish pondering into my mind, about another blog. Ok, whatever. I’ve Got homework and I’m cruddy. Here came Jesus again. A Sister in Christ messaged me and mentioned me writing. Really? Confirmation.

What now? I’m very realistic when it comes to me writing. I’m not so formal. My dialect is more of an open conversation that is unfiltered, and very poorly edited. I’m real though. I speak what comes to me, and I let God have his way.

God is usually always the center of my Blogs. In all ways, I consider him to be the leader and author of my Blogs, and Me, I’m just a vessel. –

So, with that being said, let’s begin.

God, you know I have nothing to write tonight. I pray my Lord, whatever it is that you would have me to say, you bring it out. I’m not sure where you are taking this, or for whom it is for, but nevertheless, not my will but thy will be done. God, I am tired. I am weak in body. I feel sick, I feel under the weather. I feel mentally drained. My body feels like a cup that’s been turned upside down, while all the energy drains from it. I am restless in my spirit, and I am numb. Where is this numbness coming from? I feel everyone. I am happy, but where is the numbness coming from? Please take the numbness away. I have no reason to be numb, am I picking up on someone else or is it a defense mechanism? God, here I go just speaking to you. Help me, Lord. Just send help. Lift me up in your eyes God, to be who I am called to be, and keep me anchored in you. God, I pray thee, use me as a willing vessel for you, and make my heart to be pleasing in your eyes. I know my thoughts run crazy at times, well often. Jesus, I pray, speak stillness to my thoughts and keep me centered in you. Thank you, God, for all that you do, and for holding me as I wander these streets, trials, tribulations, and help me to know joy is coming in the morning. Every passing day God that I open my eyes, I pray your mercy, grace, truth, and voice shines through me to someone, even if that someone is myself. I need you now more than ever before, and I choose you now, not like before, but God, I forever choose you now. Make me clean God and make me to know what my full calling is in you, not only that, but I ask thee Jesus to position me to walk in it and open the doors that need to be opened. God, I pray for your hedge to return to me, and that the mighty works you began in me, you finish them. I pray People come to know you through me. In Ecclesiastes 12:13 you tell me the whole duty of man is to serve God. Jesus my whole duty in this life is to serve you. Everything I have is because of thee, and I pray God, let the rest of my days, be a reflection of thee (my praise, worship, job, family, friends, actions, reactions, my rising, falling, and rising again) God take my fleshly desires and turn them into spiritual desires fit for building your kingdom. Take over God and lead this blog, for I cannot do it on my own. It You in me and I in thee. Let your words be found upon my lips, and heart. God, I give it to thee. Take the lead. I surrender. Amen.

Yesterday, I had the honor of watching a video about a survivor. This survivor wasn’t just any survivor, her trauma mirrored mine. That video has stuck with me, and keeps replaying in my head, my thoughts, and it echos so deep within my soul. I cannot shake it. I tremble at the words, and similarities between this person and I. Over the years Jesus, has used this person on more than one occasion to direct me to him, and to keep me on his track. Like a little butterfly that flies by when I least expect it, I’ll get a reminder from him of her and a greater purpose I am yet to know. Yesterday, and today, Jesus has used this beloved Warrior to tell me, I am a wonderful mother who is beautiful, and I am a Child of God. Yesterday, when I least expected it, Jesus used her scars to crack me wide open, as he began to whisper and as he still whispers, “My Daughter, it’s time for you to heal. You have to heal, so you can lead people to me. You have to see yourself in your eyes, and then realize who you are in my eyes. I will lift you up out of this valley, but you have to put forth the effort. Yes, you are working on yourself, but you must realize that you can’t change your past, but with my help, everything in your future will work out; not only for your own, good, but MY GOOD. I have called you by my name, nothing in this life can take you from me. I have my hands on you, and YOU ARE MINE. I have called you to this season of waiting for a reason, it is preparation. You will learn of me here, and I will grow thee, you my daughter are a chosen vessel, called of a royal priest hood. It’s not of you, it is of me. You see, I have given you a mouth, and I will declare my boldness over you, and I will shine upon you, and others will see me in thee, and I in you, and you in me, and you planted in me. Others will come, you ask how, I say, I say I will send them. You need not to think or wonder, you only need to trust. For I am growing you, and you know it. I know it is tough, but you have to be willing to trust. Think not you lead yourself to write, for I am leading thee. You feel how fast your hands are hitting these keys for I am with thee, and I guide thee. I know, I know you are suffering but remember Joy cometh in the morning. Weep not, for your joy shall soon return. Some of the toughest growth times, bring forth the greatest harvest, and my child your harvest will soon come. — Ok WOW. I felt that leave me.

God give me more.

This is where I began to crack open.

Self-inventory. Trauma pour out. (Trigger Warning ahead)

Who have I been? What have I endured? Who am I?

I have to let this out, he is telling me to.

God, I cannot it’s a lot and I’m not sure I can’t fit it all in one blog. I’m afraid it will be too much, but I hear you whisper, others need to hear, and little by little I will heal thee. Do not deny me, only be obedient. The healing is coming to the nations, an awakening like this nation has yet saw. I see a vision of many bowing, before God surrendering their heart to Jesus, the beloved Son.

Ok, God. Help me release it.

I’m done. I can’t hold back.

My name is Christie.

I am a victim of Abuse. I don’t like placing that label on myself. Since I have been saved, I’ve built and empire around myself, and I have become invincible. The pain can’t touch me, I forgave my enemies, or did I?

At an early age, I began to watch my sister be raped. She was molested. I’ll never forget that night. I was laying in my bed asleep and for whatever reason, I just had to wake up. I have a hearing problem, there’s no reason why I should have woken up, but I did. As I laid there, my long brown hair was covering my face, as I stared through the strands, I saw him. I saw my stepdad sitting on the side of my sister’s bed, his right hand was on her chest and his left hand towards her. He kept a close eye on me, and I’d shut my eyes so tightly as he glanced my way. I remember his words, “Hold still, let me get it in.”

MY INNOCENSE WAS SHATTERED.

The next day, I told the school. I was immediately made out to be a compulsive liar. Numerous times this happened, and numerous times I was made out to be a liar. I’ll admit I caved and denied what I had said, in fear of being taken from my mother. It was then I began to question everything in my head and in my heart. It was after that particular night; I began to watch people. That night my eyes were opened to a world of wickedness, sickness, and a very broken home. No child should have to endure that. I’ll forever have trust issues with that. No medication can fix my trust issues. I do not think about it daily, I am stronger than that, but for whatever reason, tonight this band-aid had to be ripped off.

Growing up he only attempted to look at me once. I was a very verbal child. I was the one who turned him in, and even though I recanted my claim, I’m assuming to a degree he knew better, or maybe just maybe God protected me, as for touching he did it once in my sleep, there was no evidence or proof, and nothing could be done. I’m not ok with what happened, no one in their right mind could be, but I live to tell the story. After that night, he would make a few slurs here and there in a non-directional towards my boyfriends about me, but not directly at me. He knew better.

I’m bitter.

I watched my sister be transformed into an alcoholic, she was so broken, that even as she got older, she needed to be numb. I get it now. I understand. It’s all she could do to let him feel her up to get her fix. I’ll never forget the nights I’d watch her from the porch go to the end of the driveway just to step aside to building, where he was waiting in the dark. I’d sit there the whole time and watch her disappear and reappear. I’d sit on that porch thinking, what is wrong with her? Sometimes, I’d even wait on that porch and just look at her and him, as they walked by me like nothing ever happened. What the crap, are you ignorant? I was the bold one, the mean one. I’m glad Jesus kept me from that. Now that I am older, I get it, I understand and I have compassion on her, not only her but others alike. I realize sometimes trauma is so bad, the only way to get out of it, is to numb it out.

&. That’s what I did.

I became and addict at the age of 12. I was a big pharm addict. My mom believed she needed to do everything the doctors said including have me undergo several ear surgeries. Every time I would have surgery, I would be given. At some I realized what the pain meds were doing to me, at that point I began to demand to know how many pills I was given and how often I could take them. I loved them. I didn’t feel the mental pain I was in. I was flying. I was untouchable. I didn’t feel the hurt I never should have endured. By the time I was 18, I was a medically induced addict.

The trauma of my childhood followed me into adulthood.

I was a good girl who’s innocence was destroyed, leaving a broken path for others to walk, including myself.

My trauma from my childhood lead to:

PTSD, severe trust issues, broken relationships, me degrading myself as a young woman, drug addiction, body image issues (I live in a world where I am not the right size, I have to get about 20 more lbs. off me before I’ll be satisfied, and even then, I am sure I’ll find flaws). I’ve screwed up with all my kids in more ways than I can imagine. I pick at my flaws. I am in a constant battle within myself. I’ve always heard the hardest person to forgive is yourself, and that is true.

Due to my lack of love as a kid, it’s hard for me to accept it as an adult. In my eyes I am not worthy of such love and it’s almost impossible for me to show it. It was until recently, that I was even able to feel my own children and allow them to feel me. I’m now learning to not struggle showing love to others.

The hardest part is drowning out the voices in my head that tell me, I am not worthy, I’ll never make it, I am fat, I am ugly, I am unclean, I’ll never be good enough for God to forgive, I’ll never be happy, & now that I am ready to be loved in life, no one will ever love me because it is too late. I’ve done the damage to myself, and it’s what I deserve.

—This is where Jesus steps in–& that video echos in my ears so deeply—

It’s time for me to rise. It’s time for me to dust off my feet and see how far God has brought me, and how much farther he is taking me in this life.

I am not the sum of my mistakes, I am not the sum of trauma, and I am not defined by it. My past is my testimony, my present my healing period, and my future is in God’s hands.

I do not have to live in my trauma, I am to learn from it. I’ve learned that it is ok not to trust people. I’ve learned that it is ok to stay guarded, but it is not ok to push people out who I know love me so deeply that they’d do anything within their power to help me.

I’m breaking open and bleeding out more each day.

The shell of who I used to be is being picked back up and glued back together by the Potter’s hands, love, mind, heart and soul. I was just given the image of a broken vessel. I saw a flowerpot shattered, one of those reddish looking clay ceramic pots, and then I saw it glued together with a white glue. That white glue is symbolic for the Potter’s light.

Like a voice thundering from the heavens, I was given a message that said, ” You are beautiful, and you are a child of God.”

Those are the words that will define me.

I am a wonderful mother (for I have a declared it, oh it echo’s as it roars, he’s shaking me, showing me who I am in him; for I have big plans for you says the Lord)..

I am a Child of God.

I shall not be shaken out of God’s hands, and I will do all that he’s called me to do.

But, how God?

Not by yourself, but by me and by me alone. —(that is literally what just came to me)…

I don’t know who this blog is for. I’m not really sure why it was written. I don’t even know all that was written, a confession of many of my blogs, I go back and read them just to see what was written and said, nevertheless I know it was for someone, possibly many.

Trauma is real.

Pain is real.

Life deals people some of the most awful cards at times.

Bad things happen to good people. The only logical explanation I can think of is that our experiences and how we overcame them; will change the world someday.

Remember your redeemer draweth nigh.

Through Christ Jesus, and Christ alone, I’m finding my healing.

I’ll never walk in the dark again, rest assure, if I ever look back, it’s to see if you are following me. — Take my hand— You can’t stay there.

Remember Faith, Love, and hope.

The greatest of these is love.

For love covers a multitude of sin. That true love of God, teaches us how love when we can’t love, forgive when we can’t forgive, and it enables us to reach out to those in need when we can’t even reach out for ourselves. That love, that covers everything is Jesus.

Until God leads me again; I am praying for you always.

❤ Christie.