For His Glory

It’s a little after 1AM and all I have been able to do for the past few hours is think about writing, for whatever reason, I have no idea. So, I’ll pray up and ask Jesus to lead, where he will take this I have no idea, but if he wants me to write its the least I can do.

This year has sucked. Let me say that a little louder for the ones in the back to hear “THIS YEAR HAS SUCKED”.

I’m not trying to write a post where all I do is complain, however I have reached a point in this valley so low, where I am beginning to wonder how much lower I can go or get. Yeah, I know things can always get worse, (this is for those of you that always have those constant reminders that things can always get worse). I’m just saying, things have sucked this past year, and I know I am not the only one who professes to know Christ, who feels this way, heck you may not even know him and feel the same way.

So, I just celebrated my 40th birthday, and that kind of sucked too, no I’m not ungrateful, but dang, I sit and think “I miss the me I used to be.”

I used to be so full of life, energetic, happy, less emotional, more motivated and less stressed (no this is not old age or menopause), and FYI, the old age got me this past morning when I near broke my right leg on the tub, I should probably have an x-ray.

Moving forward…

Do you ever wonder..

Is this really all there is to life?

Work, eat, sleep. REPEAT.

I should be happy. I should be smiling, I should be full of joy, I should be rejoicing (at times I do, but its far in between), but I am not. I frown, I complain, I pity myself, I annoy everyone around me. I constantly procrastinate, and I go in circles like a madman with no direction at all.

I’ll give details, a chronological order of events since not everyone has followed me the past year and a half and just in case anyone new reads my blogs, so you know what all of this is about.

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May 2024, my marriage of 10 years fell apart.

June 2024, my grandmother died.

July 2024, I filed for divorce.

August 2024, I met my now husband.

October 2024, I celebrated my first birthday since my grandmothers passing, not only was she gone, but my dad was gone for 9 years also. So, birthday number 1 without her, and birthday number 9 without my dad.

October 2024, I got engaged to my now husband.

December 2024, my divorce was finalized and I got remarried (getting right with Jesus was my number one priority, and I wasn’t able to live right and live with him, plus I was and am head over heels in love, so we done what was right in the eyes of God).

December 2024, I dropped out of my second semester of nursing school, to prevent having a failing grade on my transcript.

January 2025, I got pregnant and lost it.

March 2025, I got pregnant again and lost it.

April 2025, I dropped out of my second semester of nursing school again to prevent having that failing grade on my transcript.

May 2025, I decided I needed a break from school all together.

June 2025, my husband began looking for a different job that paid better not because of me but because he wanted a better job, thus landing him a position in Columbus OHIO, —

July 2025, I moved to Ohio, leaving my Eli behind, my family and friends, and all that I knew, trusting God the best I could, but not knowing anything that was in front of me but walking by faith. I’m still scared.

August 2025, I lost another baby to miscarriage.

August 2025, I was shown in a dream I needed to go back to nursing school, but I pushed that to the back of my mind, and decided to walk through whatever door was opened for me workwise.

September 2025 I started a new Job, the money was great. I knew I was done with nursing school.

September 2025, Eli had a birthday that I had to celebrate late with him. My mommy heart hurts so bad.

September 2025, the new job and requirements made me miss nursing school and the medical field.

October 2025, I got fired due to lies being told and guess what, its back to the medical field.

October 2025, I started a new job as a CNA, and I LOVE IT—-> Nursing school is back in my future and I will not stop until I get there.

October 2025, I am homesick.

October 2025, I celebrated my 2nd birthday without my grandmother, and it made a decade without my dad. (talk about pain). — Praise be to God, I saw my grandmother in a dream as my birthday rolled in, and she was as smiley as can be. I felt peace when I woke up, but the reminder that my dad was gone for a decade of birthdays rocked my day sour.

October 2025, I am homesick for ELI, and for the path I was originally called to by Jesus himself, & I have no idea how the heck I am to get back there, (not really back to KY, but to that path).

I feel like I’m a breaking point, yes I’ve came close to it before, but really, if you knew everything and the minor / major details I’ve left out, you would understand why I have reached it.

I have spent a year living vicariously.

I’ve spent money like it grows on trees, I’ve gone on lavish vacations. I’ve had almost anything and everything that I want at my fingertips. I’ve had amazing nights and laughs and giggles. I’ve fallen to ruins that only few really know, and I’m speaking of sin when I say ruins, dark places, it happens to people, so please don’t think anyone is too high or mighty not to fall. I wonder if this is how Solomon felt when he wrote Ecclesiastes.

I’ve lost a lot, but I also gained a lot, but one thing I have came to realize this past day or so is that none of this really profits me at all. I am still miserable with all my gains and my fortunes. I am still empty and all I want is what God wants for me, only I’ve became so self absorbed with figuring life out on my own that I don’t know how to give it all back to God and let him help me. I know I need God’s help, and I know I want God’s help, but accepting it and doing it his way instead of my own way is hard, that’s one of the hardest things to do is to accept the help of my true Father and his way over my own.

You see I am crazy enough to believe and stand on God’s word, I can tell you that its true, and I will not argue with you or listen to your reasoning about whether or not the bible is facts or fiction, but the hardest thing for me to accept in this life is that GOD LOVES ME. I haven’t been to church in months, I don’t even know where to find one in this state, however I am praying that God shows me, and sends someone to invite me, cause then I’ll know he is sending me there, until then I’ll wait. I am still praying…

While in the middle of moment of despair a few weeks ago, when I was on edge, I was shown me walking on a path, it was bright and clear, and I was told, “If you give up now, I can’t help you.” This wasn’t just any path, I saw my enemies on each side, but I was walking through, while there weren’t waves on each side, it reminds me of the Israelites when they walked through the parted Red Sea, and I think about how Jesus tells us that he will make our enemies our footstools.

Just today, I was crying out to God while having my moment with him as I sat near lake Huron, (birthday checkoff from my bucketlist) .. I was talking to him and telling him how I just needed to feel his love, and how broken I was and how unworthy of him I was, and all these emotions that were flooding my mind, I poured into him, then that’s when I saw it, A RAINBOW. Mind you, it was a cloudy rainy day. NO ONE ELSE SAW the RAINBOW. I even squeezed my eyes shut again really tight to make sure it wasn’t from my tears and NOPE, it wasn’t. I know what I saw, I saw a RAINBOW for a moment, all the colors bright from Red-Violet, from the cloudy sky above straight to water below.

GOD’s PROMISE Still Stands!!

I don’t know how I am going to get to where I need to be with God, but I know I can’t and won’t give up, its babysteps for me. I am proud of those who are farther in their process, but as for me, I’m only beginning again.

I know I’m going to serve Jesus one way or another, I know I am going to trust this process, I will be a nurse, I will do what I am called to do, I will be who God has called me to be, I am his.

Something else that happened. On my way back home, a friend of mine randomly sent me a song, and she had no idea that I had just poured myself into God. I’ve not spoken to this person in what seems like ages. Listen to it.

Now, that was Jesus speaking through her.

So, that’s that. Everyday, I’ll pray more, I’ll speak life over myself more, and I’ll talk to God more. I’m praying my desire for his word comes back, but honestly at this moment, I just need to be held by him as I let it out, mending can’t fully come less, my broken vessel completely lays itself down to the potter, & there is a lot.

I wonder if this is how JOB felt when he lost it all.. Just saying.

Ok, so y’all carry on now.

Until next time, who knows when, but I’m sure I’ll be back on here eventually.

❤ Christie.