Are you stuck? Do you feel like this is lasting forever? Once, again welcome to my world. This chapter / season seems like the longest one of my life. While Spring has now made it here, and a new season has officially begun, the lingering effects of Winter still remain, and however spiritual Winter is wanting to drag out as if the groundhog showed up twice and predicted a double season instead of just 6 more weeks.

A new chapter has begun for me. I started a new job, one I feel like I can stick with until I graduate college, (unless Jesus show’s me otherwise). I now work as a customer service representative for Appalachian Wireless. I get to sit at my desk and help troubleshoot people about these handy little devices that seem to be taking over the world. The staff is the finest I have ever met. They have gone above and beyond to exceed expectations, of how a corporate office should treat their employees, they are bending over backwards to accommodate my hearing disability, and as soon as I walked into my area the signs started appearing. The signs are everywhere.

I live for Jesus, my family, and these signs. I’m surrounded by the love of Jesus, Butterflies, ladybugs, and owls. When I am weak Jesus sends me a sign. When I am questioning, I see a sign. Believe me when I say, I question everything. I question things down to the fine details that people often don’t read, I question. I’m like a child who stomps their feet and shout’s ” I need to know, and I need to know now!” But God’s plans don’t work that way. His timing / direction is perfect, and his timing/direction is the one I’m waiting on.

Spiritually I believe he is strengthening me. I went through a recent decline where I almost let go. Struggles got hard, I almost caved, while I was saying God was still Good, I personally almost fell due to the pain. Marital issues can hurt. I cry silently almost every day begging Jesus to move, to save, to restore, to perform his promises. I’ve always known he’s going to perform that which he promised me, from the first till the last, he’s going to perform, but I’m learning the details I don’t know, and I’m not going to know them. I’m not going to know the when, or where. But I do know the way. The way the promises are going to be performed are through Jesus, and him only. (John 14:6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me), WHY, because Jesus is faithful and he’s not a man. (John 1:1;10 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.; He was in the world, and the world was made by him, and the world knew him not.)) God hates liars, and he himself is not a liar. He made several promises, and he himself is lining everyone up. God’s promises are closer to unfolding than what people realize. The problem is we are getting tired in the waiting. Instead of growing tired, we need to be preparing ourselves in Jesus so we can receive what he’s been preparing over the years.

Galatians 6:9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

ME of all people, I almost let my own weary heart knock me out of God’s personal promises to me. I’ve stood for years. I’ll keep standing. He’s making me stronger. I’m gaining battle wounds. I feel like I’m in the fight club. Mentally, I’m battling a battle few understand. I pour myself into Jesus, my mom, my sisters, and best-friend. One of these days, though, Oh! What a glorious day it will be when I cry to the world about the full filling of them all, down to the very last one. That last promise is what helps me to hold on, even when I want to throw in the towel.

Trust in God’s timing, let him prepare you for what you are waiting for. I don’t know all the details, I only know that one day, one by one by one every personal promise that Jesus has made to his children pertaining to their lives will come to past, that is if we cling to him and be obedient to what he calls us to do. You can’t preach to the world, if you don’t first let him preach to you.

While part of the 2nd promise has already began to take place (my family has taken me under their wing, I call them mom, dad, my sisters, etc.) it is waiting on the last three that take my breath away. The first promise has made me want to throw the towel in so many times its unreal. But there’s Jesus and those signs. The sign of the last promise. I cannot express in words, the IMPORTANCE of waiting on that last promise, (In my darkest of dark, we are talking midnight when the thieves break in to steal and kill,) is what’s kept me going when I don’t want to go. I cannot express that I’ve wondered how it will take place, but I will confess I know all I was told is Witness. One day, I’ll bear you witness face to face, and you’ll know I was silent so God could work.

Waiting on the first promise is making my anxiety and PTSD worse. I don’t trust anyone outside my family. I think people of the oppose gender are pretty, but best left alone. One day I feel like I’ll be taking care of my kids with just Jesus, and my family and I’m okay with that. I can’t dare seeing myself ever trust anyone again because of the pain of the first. But I’ll keep holding on and praying. The darkest hour is right before the dawn. When it’s good its good, and when its bad, I’m isolating to my family. I try to shut my mind down, but it wonders like the wind. I shut the last promise out and pray, pray, pray. I speak life and not death. I speak life from the first promise until the last. I speak life and salvation over all of God’s creation. I speak life over my family, over my husband, over my kids who hate me, over Eli who suffers from Autism. I speak life over my family’s family, I speak life over all the darkness that you are battling. I speak life into the darkness. I know Jesus hears me, and I know Jesus wants me to stand, and I know the devil wants me to let go. I am the bridge between my family, and these promises. Sure, it’s hard to believe when I’ve only saw part of one take place, but believing is all I have left to do. I believe because of Jesus, and I believe because Jesus is faithful. I believe because he helps me believe. I believe when I can’t breathe. BUT I won’t go against Jesus not for a minute, even if it would bring the last promise in sooner. I been there done that, and all I done was place a halt on it. God’s timing isn’t like our timing, there’s stuff that he wants us to learn, do in preparation. Pruning sucks, growth is painful. Imagine the caterpillar and the butterfly, what a beautiful transformation, but the middle part where the caterpillar forms a cocoon, isolates in the dark, becomes mooshy and undone, only to be place back together more beautiful than ever before; yep, that ending is the part I’m waiting for. Consider this my cocoon, I am here, but I’m busy being transformed while in waiting.

I am Job, but one day I will be Esther,

I love you all, I pray I’ve said something to help you.

Email me. I’d almost put my personal email on here, but my WordPress email is plenty.


❤ Jesus loves you most, he wants you to trust him, and get back out to his house. (Sorry, not sorry, that’s what came to me)

❤ Christie

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