The past few days have been different.
Unusual? No, but different.
I’ve recently encountered a bible study on Joseph, and his life. I’ve encountered a study that has taken me into the details of Joseph’s life, from the beginning to the end. I’ve been reading on how Joseph had these God given dreams, only to boast, and then be thrown into a cistern, and sold into slavery. I’ve been reading how everything that Joseph had to experience was for God’s glory, even though while it was happening, he himself didn’t quite understand why he had to go through it.
I’m not yet finished with the study, but I can say that Jesus has used this to open my eyes to my current moment and state of mind.
I put on a really big front. I smile a lot. A girl with a smile is contagious, and quite beautiful, but sometimes behind a smile is a heart that shelters herself from the world and those that are in it.
Like Joseph naming his children symbolically after his past afflictions, I too try to hide hidden meanings into all that I do.
And Joseph called the name of the firstborn Manasseh: For God, said he, hath made me forget all my toil, and all my father’s house. And the name of the second called he Ephraim: For God hath caused me to be fruitful in the land of my affliction. Genesis 41:51-52
I’ll put this simple. I have to heal.
I’m being told its time to heal.
Its time I lay everything down about myself before the feet of Jesus, although I have sworn, I have laid such things down over and over again, yet somehow, I keep picking things up and holding to them, even after I plead with Jesus to take them, things are so personal to me I hold to them like prize gold. Nothing, I say nothing is more important to me than Christ himself. So, why pick stuff back up after I have laid down? Because it feels comfortable, and it feels normal to me, without such baggage, I am free, and Jesus knows I don’t know how to be a free man. The baggage keeps me grounded, it keeps me in a state of mind that I am used to and comfortable in, and it keeps me happy. The baggage lets me know I am ok, because I am used to processing such thoughts.
Completeness, being content and having freedom, oh my I may just break out in dance like David did, but instead, I grab the chains and wrap them back around myself and I say no, Jesus, I’m not ready to let go.
A few deep breaths let’s go deeper into this journey.
I changed jobs again.
All of my life I have suffered abuse mental, emotional, intentional and unintentional. PTSD has been a diagnosis since I was a child, but it comes in its forms.
Being teased, made fun of and often being unaccepted as a child has followed me into my adulthood. I see now why people commit suicide. Is this a cry for help, no! I’d never do such a thing. But I understand the brokenness, and I’m telling you don’t do it. I care, and I’m here even when it seems like I am not here, I am here. I’m just taking care of me, all while praying for this chaotic world in the process.
I’m healing now.
I see my brokenness from my youth, I see all my scars. I see all the wounds I have professed are healed, only to do a little picking and be left bleeding again. Crying and snotting in the middle of the night, make-up all over my shirt, raccoon eyes, and many why God, whys!
I see a savior with his arms wide open, telling me, you and anyone else who needs to hear it, “My child, I never left you, only you tried to leave me, I had to let you get a little slack, so you’d be like Peter and fall once you got fully distracted. You see I have picked you up once again, now this time stay. I’ll mend your tears and that broken heart, but you have to trust me and not yourself. I know trusting me is hard, you can’t see me, but you know I am near, you can’t hear me because you have me tuned out thinking all I have to say is bad, and judgement. I am love; I have loved thee from the beginning.
It’s time for me to heal and move beyond all the hurt. It’s time for my smile to be real, it’s time for my tears to be joyful and it’s time for me to let go.
Behind this curtain there is a heart that’s hurting. It’s been taking a beating
It’s starting to fall apart. And I feel like such an easy target. Dodging bullets, I’m exhausted. How can every moment be this hard? I’m holding nothing back from you doesn’t really matter what I lose got a heart that’s open I’m broken and I want you to know. I’ve got a list that goes on and on it’s overflowing with memories of everything that I’ve been doing wrong and I’ll be the first to say I’ve chased after so many foolish things Looking for a way to kill the pain Jesus, I don’t want anything coming in between you and me. Jesus, it doesn’t matter what I have to go through I’m holding nothing back, nothing back from you. –Ryan Stevenson
Remember I love you and Jesus loves you Most!
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