Fire on the Inside

My mind never stops.

Its ever going. I’m always on the go.

Either I am working, I’m doing homework, I’m running errands, or I’m just breathing. Sometimes, I look forward to sleep, because I just get to shut down, but then I worry sleep is taking away from my responsibilities. My body wants sleep so bad, and 5 hours isn’t enough when you are working 12’s and constantly remembering due dates for school.

Sometimes my bills are late. Thank goodness for autopay. My house is messy, thank goodness for Jesus.

I breath in, I breath out.

Yesterday, was hectic. Out of nowhere I had a panic attack at work. I had woken up with anticipation on me, that I should call in, but I couldn’t for personal reasons. All day my mind was in circles, often checking back at home to be reassured everyone was ok. I knew what I was feeling wasn’t Jesus, and I knew I had to push. I pressed harder and prayed more. I isolated to my car with the AC on high. A few deep breaths and urgent prayer request to my praying sisters later, I walked back in the building.

Panic Manic sucks. It’s awful. It’s almost like a plague that takes over, and you have absolutely no control over it. Sometimes the mind swims, as the inner person cries out like Jonah from the deep. Yesterday, I was Jonah. This morning I am me again, and I’m going to worship my Lord.

Trigger warning.

I have PTSD.

As a child I had gone through some things (refer back to my earlier blogs). While I do not set and think about my childhood, and I never took a panic attack when I was a child, as I got older around the age of 28, these panic attacks set in. They’re not bad and they’re not often and many things can trigger them. Mostly they are few and far in between. The closer I get to Jesus the farther they get from me. He’s my healer and my redeemer, and I know he’ll deliver me again from such attacks. This new set of attacks is random.

I’ve been going through the fire lately. I feel like the Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, the three Hebrew boys, and I have my moments of feeling like Daniel.

My job has made me bonkers, I’ve even wanted to leave, but God is telling me to stay. I’m able to go to church every time the doors are opened, and they’re compassionate about my desire to be in God’s house. I could not ask for a better facility or group of administrators to work under. For whatever reason, I’m in the lion’s den, and I’m in the fire. I pray and I catch my breath, I cry, I panic, God moves. I catch my breath; I lose my breath. I cry some more, and then Jesus stills me.

In this fire, I’m learning. In this fire I’m able to reach closer for my lily of the valley. In this fire I’m able to cry out Jesus help me; and he comes closer than anyone and takes me to safety, even in my mind.

In the still of my mind, he holds me close. In the still of my mind, he is my anchor.

Things are better at home. Sometimes they’re rocky, sometimes they’re like a hurricane, but at all times Jesus stands with me.

My heart belongs to Jesus. I will not be shaken.

He tells me in his word “All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28.

 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

For whatever reasons, this buffering is for my good and for his glory. Though I do not feel good, and I don’t like the circumstances that have surrounded my life. It’s all worked out for his good.

I want you to find purpose for your pain, but in order to do so, you’re going to have to let Jesus show you, his purpose for your life. His purpose on your life will show you that you can overcome this pain, and you can live as close to normal as possible someday; you may like what I’m about to say, but you won’t live normal without him, and you will always be at a loss. You’re going to search and search and search for something to fill that hole in your heart, that’s not a human, animal, material filled hole, it’s a god size hole that only Jesus himself can fill. Just like when we are taken from our mother’s womb, we are left as children needing to depend on our mother / dad in some cases (not that any man can ever bare a child), but we are left with the need to depend on our parents. The same applies with Jesus. We are born, at first, we depend on our parents, but as we get older, we mature and begin to get wants in our lives. We begin to search for ways to fill voids, and we being to search for our purpose in life. Sometimes we feel like, we have found our purpose, only to be knocked off track, and then Jesus steps in and shows us his grander plans he has on our lives.

Do you think, I wanted to grow up in that broken home? Do you think I wanted to lose my dad? I say these two things because they are the two things that have always been out of my control, and no one can rebuttal and say otherwise.

As a child, (don’t applaud me, give credit to Jesus.) my mother always told me to say my prayers, I would talk to Jesus and ask him why God, and I know he heard me. As a young woman, I had to forgive the one who wrecked my childhood, it wasn’t my heart to hold the pain, and I didn’t want to hold onto that.

As a daddy’s girl, I had to lose the one person in my life that held my world together. I face a birthday tomorrow without him. Its birthday number 7. It’s been 7 years since I have heard him say happy birthday. It sucks. — But Jesus!

But Jesus I say, has a grander purpose for my pain. Some pain I’ll never tell, or maybe I will, if it’s his will. The first step is letting him in.

Now nothing felt good in that broken home. I wasn’t held as a child; I wasn’t believed, and I was made out to be a compulsive liar. I was made out to be someone I wasn’t.

And losing daddy, almost cost me my life.

Jesus, used that broken home to teach me early to forgive and love endlessly.

And Jesus used the death of my dad to draw me to him.

I don’t know what you are searching for, but I can tell you, I know your purpose is in him. He has showed me in his word. You are a mighty warrior; you are made to stand and not to fall. I know, I pray, and I pray, and I’ll continue to pray.

The great commission is to tell the world about Jesus and to continue in one mind and one accord with the breaking of bread, and fellowship. It’s time to join the great commission and tell the world about Jesus. It’s time to let him heal all the broken pieces and let him love you the way you are searching to be loved. Yes, you’re still going to have bad days, but with him those bad days will be even greater millstones in your walk with him.

You are an overcomer.

My eyes are on Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith.

And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love. Corinthians 13:13

And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins. 1Peter 4:8

The love that covers sins, is the love of Jesus. If we love like Jesus we will forgive, we will love without differentiation, we will love without judgement If we love like Jesus, we will lead the lost, a congregation of many to the King of Kings and Lord or Lords. But I warn you, to love like Jesus, it comes with the cost of everything, and since some of has already lost everything, why not throw in the towel at this world, and say “Jesus I am yours, forgive me, save me, and lead me.”

I got to get ready for church!

I love you all.

Remember Jesus loves you most.

Join me, and the rest of the apostles, disciples, witnesses, and God’s holy army, that He’s quickening from the dead and let’s tell the world about Jesus. Let’s testify of his goodness, and how through him we have overcome it all, and how he’s coming back for us.

We don’t have to endure much longer; we just have to run with Patience.

 Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews12:1-2.

email me and reach to me if you need me.

❤ Christie

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