Somedays, I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of a tornado, waiting on the storm to pass.
Somedays, I feel like I’m dancing and spinning around on cloud nine, on top of the world, just me and Jesus, dancing that beautiful dance.
Other days, and most days, I feel like I’m dancing in the middle of the tornado, fighting with every breathe in me to make it out, while surviving the storm, and not allowing myself to be overtaken by the obstacles, and objects that have become intertwined within my storm.
My storm is within my mind and my struggle is my own. Only I’m not fighting my own battle, Jesus fights it with me, I only need to be still.
Being still is the hardest part. Do you feel me? Making ourselves stop and say, “No God, I’m no longer taking things into my own hands, but rather I’m leaving everything in your hands according to your timing and your ways”, this alone is often one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to face.
Letting Jesus equip me for the battle in my stillness, makes me lean, makes me putty in his hands, makes me humble, makes me less arrogant, and it show’s him I love him more. I love him more than my very own breathe.
I am not superhuman, I am super tired. I’m super exhausted and I’m super over reactive, and arrogant at times. But I desire more of his grace, and I desire more of him.
I’ve not been well for some time now. I’ve gained weight, (yeah, yeah, yeah, you’re not that big, I’ve heard all the comments, but still for me to put on excess body weight, requires me to go overtime to get it off, counting calories, more water, more fruits and more veggies, less red meat, more chicken, more taking care of myself, and less neglecting myself).
Mentally I’m in a struggle, I wonder when God, I know God you’re faithful, but when God. You say soon, I hear, but when God.
I recently found out one of my close friends died. I had just thought about her and her child that morning, only to visit a cemetery and see her last name, and then her first name on a tombstone. It was so surreal that I had to double check the tombstone, thinking that it was pre-purchased and placed there in advance, only it had a date of death. When I got home that day, I checked obituaries and sure enough it was as real as it gets. She was gone, not only that but, she had been gone for almost two years. I can’t believe it has been that long since I last talked to her.. Get this, earlier that day I saw the first butterflies of the season. Funny how that worked out that way. My heart still aches. I don’t know if its because I had just thought about her that morning or if its the initial shock of finding out she’s gone, and not knowing the cause, and you know what, I don’t even want to know. All I know is that, it affected me.
Life is short. Very short. We are here a short time and then we go. Those that live to be a ripe ole age will tell you the same, life is short. You blink and then you’re older and you blink and then you’re in the arms of our creator.
All these years I’ve lived my life in hopes of these promises, that Christ made me years ago, but in reality, Christ is the ultimate promise. He was that promised child, sent of God to die for the remission of sins for the world. And he is enough for me. All these years, I’ve been chasing promises instead of chasing the promise. All these years I’ve been living life for the wrong reasons instead of walking in the light of the reason. He’s my reason, he’s, my purpose. Will I fail, I have so much I cannot count, but one thing is certain I know if I search after him and I seek him, I’ll be found of him.
I’ll never know if my friend made it home, and that bothers me. I’ll never know. All I can do is hope and pray she made it into his arms and that he accepted her as one of his faithful servants. All I can do is pray and push and do everything in my might to make sure I make it home and that I am one of his faithful servants. I’m not doing this for my husband, my family or my friends. I’m doing this because I love Jesus. And I love him because he first loved me.
Yes, I feel pain, no, I don’t understand everything, yes, I’m confused a lot. I’m often lost in my own little world. I’ve isolated again. I still feel people, but I’m back to my small circle of people. There’s an exception to my small circle, the exception is, I know these people would never hurt me. I know they’re my ride or dies, I know they’re my backbones in Christ. They love me enough to tell me the word of God, even if it means crushing me, and they love me enough to hold me when I’m down, pray for me when I’m sick, and listen to me throw toddler temper tantrums when life is hurling hailstorms in my direction. I will say I love these people, and me using the love word was an obstacle that Jesus alone took my hand and lead me to overcome. Love doesn’t hurt with them, and I praise Jesus for that.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8-To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. A time to be born, and time to die, a time to plant, and t time to pluck up that which is planted, a time to kill, and a time to heal, a time to break down, and time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to cast away stones, and time to gather stones together, a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to get and time to lose, a time to keep and time to cast away, a time to rend and time to sew, a time to keep silence and time to speak, a time to love and time to hate, a time of war and time of peace.
This season, I’m growing. I’m learning to trust Jesus like I should have been trusting him from the beginning. I’m believing bigger, and I’m standing still. I feel like I’m dancing in the middle of that tornado. And I’m not about to stop now!!’
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