Time is Standing Still

See Grief it’s like glitter, it’s hard to brush away, bright light and it still shimmers, like it was yesterday, and it falls like confetti, its sweet and it’s bitter and it falls like glitter–Patrick Droney

February 21st, 2015.

7 Years ago, on this day my World stopped spinning.

7 Years ago, you took your last breath, and gave up your ghost, and went on to be with my first true love, Jesus himself.

Today is the day, I’ll feel every emotion, that life has yet, allowed me to feel. The grief, the love, the loss, the pain, the gain, the gratitude, the anger, the rage, the chaos, the thankfulness, the remorse, the victory.

Today, I’ll miss you a little more, as I slowly heal, even though this is year 7, it’s more like year one, being numb for so long, my grief process stopped, while your forever healing was always there.

As I struggle to get ready for work, I can’t breathe, the anxiety is in high drive, mixed thoughts, and emotions eradicate my mind, not just about you but about others too. – My mind itself is like a cataclysmic field, where my brain itself is the center orbit, and all the thoughts, emotions, and issues of life, are in orbit with no set course, some thoughts and feelings cut though one side like a closed dagger, opening up, upon contact, cutting though the other side taking flesh, bones, blood, heart and soul with it upon exiting. Some thoughts enter in only to be extinguished, by a fire within my soul. The cutting thoughts and the extinguished thoughts, makes no difference, as I am no longer numb living in this mundane society.

I feel people again. I love people again. I love true, and truer, and pure and purer. I may not show it, but I do love.

Today, Daddy, I’ll love you, tomorrow, Daddy, I’ll love you, forever Daddy, I’ll love you. Jesus was my first real love in this life, and you my world, was my 2nd. No one or nothing can, nor will erase our bond, or memories. I do not need sympathy. I am pretty self-sufficient, and have become very hardened to people’s false actions, as I see through those now. I’m not numb, but I also refuse to be victim of anyone else, false “I care or love you”, shrine. Daddy, I know those that care, whether they’re family or friends, I know and I feel them. I feel them when they don’t talk, I feel them when they don’t speak. I feel them when they pray. I feel them when they speak my name in the midnight hours. I feel their wondering minds, I feel their insecurities, and I feel their wondering anxious thoughts. All I can say is “Pray and say, be still, God knows what he’s doing, even when we do not.”

Today, I’ll lift, my head, and conquer the world, one chart at a time, marking the usual, thinking of you, and thinking of your ever so true love, a love of a dad, who stepped up to the plate of a child who never was his. Today, I’ll stand be thankful that Jesus only took the best, so he could lead me to the best. Jesus knew that you needed to be healed, and that I would have never turned to him ever with you here, and I’m ok with that. It’s a double win, double sad situation, but I get it, and I’m at terms with it. He took the best, so I could and would receive the best that this world had to offer, he himself. Bittersweet, but because of his relentless, love, I’ll see you again someday. I’ve said it before, as soon as I hug Jesus, I’m coming straight for you. To look you in the eyes, and just stand there. That eye contact. That hypnotic dance between the souls. The dance, that speaks more words in silence, the glaring of the pupils, the dancing of the inner soul. The dancing in the stars. I’ve prayed so many nights, God just take me home, but today I pray, God just lead me on.

I have a work to do for Jesus, and my journey has only begun. Stepping into his light and letting him lead my dance, starring into his soul and letting him stare into mine, starring into world, and allow him to rock mine, stepping out on my faith, and crushing every thought of what my life should look like from my own perspective lenses. Walking with Jesus, and all of his shame. This world is going to hate me and the messages, that I must give, this world is going to hate me because it first hated him, but those that love him, will receive these messages with gladness of heart, for he prayed for them from the beginning of time.

With your last words you told me, “Christie, I love you, you have a lot of growing up to you, I’ll see you tomorrow”

I’m still waiting for my tomorrow, and I hope today, you’d be proud of the woman that Jesus is making me. I hope that you could say, keep it up, and I’m waiting up here with Jesus, waiting for you to make it home. for this world is not your keeping, it’s only the journey, the journey, one must take to where they’ll spend the rest of their lives. “

Listen people, I don’t know what you’re facing, but today I face year 7. The mark of completion, while I do not feel complete, nor will I feel complete, until that last puzzle piece is in place, I am walking with Jesus, and he’s not failed me yet. I can assure you whatever you are facing, Jesus is with you, and I am here for you, I may not understand your pain, but I’ll dance with you through your darkest hour, and help dry your tears as the sun begins to shine again.

I’ve saw the pieces for months sliding into place, with ever tear and set back, with every heart break, and deep breath, I’ve had to step back, and let Jesus arrange my pieces, and realize that I’m not God, not that I ever thought I was, but I have to let God be god, and just know that he is faithful, and to enjoy the lives that are around me, and love them a little closer, and purer.

God’s timing, God’s purpose, God’s way,– NOT OURS

As, I enter into year 7, I pray Dry bones in the valley come alive, I pray Jesus pour out your boldness upon me, take my life and let it be what you would have it to be, even if it’s the little old woman who lived alone, in a shoe. Take my life and breath, your breath and fire within my heart and soul. Give me a love for your word, for people, even those that hate me (not an easy task, I’m a don’t let the door hit you, type of person, especially today, sorry not sorry.) I pray Jesus, go after the lost sheep, I pray Jesus send the latter rain, I pray Jesus, Here am I send me!



If you need me, email me. christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

I love you ❤

Jesus loves you most ❤

Christie ❤

2 responses to “Time is Standing Still”

  1. Great to have had a dad who you not just love but connected with. May God’s peace continue to bathe over your mind and heart as he holds you in His arms.


  2. An intriguing discussion is definitely worth comment. I believe that you should publish more on this topic, it may not be a taboo matter but generally folks don’t speak about these topics. To the next! Best wishes!!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: