For His Glory

Like the waves of an ocean crashing upon a desolate beach shore, so does the grief in my heart, cry out for you more and more.

The minute that I became alive again, this grief set in.

I miss you more and more with every passing day, words alone cannot express what I feel, and the thoughts that race with every passing wave.

You were more than a Daddy; you were truly by best of friend. Until heaven’s tomorrow, I’ll be holding on without given up or giving in.

I’ll never let you go. Memories are something that will forever remain.

Once numbed in darkness, now the record plays like the composers of the classical period, and at other times the record sounds more like modern rock, and even Christian music. Music is my muse and Jesus is my rock. I thank him for the lyrics, and I thank him for our time. I thank him for our love, and for giving me you, I thank him for healing you, even it meant me losing you.

A memory came in, one of me talking about my many tattoos. I heard you say, “Christie, I may get one with yours and your sister’s name.” I said “Daddy, tattoos are painful.” And you looked up at me with stunned confused eyes, (either you were thinking, I was too high at the time to comprehend, or that I just didn’t understand how painful your life was,) you replied ever so sternly, “I’m dying of cancer.” — Right now, I just shake my head, thinking, I didn’t want you to feel any pain, and yet, at the time, you were feeling more pain that I could have ever comprehended. Not only did you know you was dying, and that you were going to be leaving your family, but you had stage 4 lung and brain cancer. Your pain was real, and your grief was real to.

I remember your smile, and the way you loved me. I remember your last words and how they have stuck with me.

I don’t want to stop feeling this, nor do I plan too ever be over you. In order to keep you, I have to let this grow me.

7 years is quickly approaching, oh how I do not look forward to that day. I think about it often. 7 years marks completion in the biblical world. How could 7 years without you make me feel complete? How could 7 years without my best friend, make me feel complete; with a hole that’s been permanently place from within. You were removed, a place that will never be filled. You were taken from me, so you could be healed.

I know your spirit is with Jesus and your body is a now at rest. I know your heart is full, and somehow, you’re still a part of me, and I apart of thee. I’ve heard people say, that loved ones never leave us, that we just have to look around and watch for the signs, and there we will see them. I can’t see them, but I feel you. I feel you ever so nearby. I feel your love still with me. I feel you hold me as I am still your baby. I feel you let me know that I’ll make in life, and that I just have to try.

Before a butterfly gets its wings, it must transform from a caterpillar, in a cocoon, and in the darkness is where growth and transformation take place. A caterpillar’s body actually melts down, and it becomes all yucky, (metaphorical terms, again) As humans when we feel grief, we experience this melting feeling, and this yucky, I don’t know what I’m becoming feeling. This is growth. — I feel you whisper, (No, I’m not inserting that embarrassing childhood nickname) Instead I’ll say the name God gave me at birth, Christie, its time you come out, come out and let your wings, unfold, and begin to fly.

I feel you telling me, my story isn’t over, and that its only just begun, I’m about to take on the world, one soul at time. I feel you tell me, it’s time to heal. I feel you tell me; you’ve only begun to feel. I feel you tell; I’ll never go numb again, that this awakening, didn’t come from you, but it came from he who made me. I fell you tell me, that you love me still, and if I want to keep you, I have to keep pushing. I feel you tell me, its ok, to let go, and to let God.

If there is anyone in this world I can trust, its Jesus. Man will fail me, but Jesus never will. Man will break my heart, and fail to understand, but Jesus himself will uphold me with his right hand. I feel you tell me; you know that he is the creator of all, and that you have made your way to him, and you never meant for your death to make me fall. I feel you tell me, that it was all a part of his plan to take me deeper and grow me with unbelievable strength. I feel you tell me that truth lies within him and in his word. I feel you tell me, that I was meant to change the world, but I have to first let him change me.

I’m trying, but I know I could do better, again you say, “give yourself some credit” I feel you whisper, you’re never alone in the dark, for he is with you who gave you breathe from the very start. I feel you tell me, he is making all things new, and the first thing my Babygirl was you”

Until heaven’s tomorrow, I’ll be holding your hand. Lead me Daddy, to that land. Jesus is my portion, and my hope for my future. After I hug his neck, I’m coming straight for you. I’ll miss you forever and refuse to let go. These memories are something I’ll forever cherish, ones of who you were, and how you loved me.

Thank you for everything! I’m becoming alive more each day. I’m feeling people now. Their pain, their losses, their love, and their struggles. I’m feeling their hearts beat even when they aren’t near me. I’m feeling their souls, and the longing to be complete. I’m feeling their grief that’s buried deep within. I’m feeling them… I’m feeling them all… And my heart is heavy.

Some words are best left unspoken, and sometimes it’s best to let them vent. I pray God send me the boldness, that you have set upon me from the beginning. I pray God send me the anointing, and the latter rain.

I see you moving God in the midst. Danny’s reading his bible now, and the first promise to be fulfilled. I see it all set in motion, ole, Lord, so pure and true. Prepare my heart my king to fully receive of you and to be pleasing unto you. I worry my Lord, that I’ll never get this right. And as I struggle to catch my breath, I’m holding on to your hem ever so tight. Use me Jesus as you see fit to use, use me for your greater purpose, a purpose for you. Use me Lord to do thy will, even if it cost me everything, Jesus, be it unto me as it is pleasing unto thee. I want my heart to mirror yours, a love so pure, that it gave it all. I want my thoughts to be captivated by your presence, I want my world to shake at the breath, of your spirit. I want my life to be as you would have it to be. I pray Jesus, Lord Here AM I SEND ME!!!

My email is christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

I love you all, ❤

&. Jesus Loves you Most. ❤

Christie ❤