Thump. Thump. Thump…………….
Someone call the doctor, her heart has stopped.
6 years, 11 months, 1 week, & 2 days later…
Thump. Thump. Thump.
We have a pulse…
She’s breathing, but still sleeping.
5 hours later.
Her eyes are opening, she’s looking around.
She’s been in a walking numb coma…
She begins to question her surroundings, and what she’s feeling. She’s been gone for so long.
The day I wrote Dear Daddy, I woke up. I woke up from almost 7 years of numbness, almost 7 years of plagues of darkness, 7 years of buried grief, 7 years of anxiety, 7 years of fear of heart ache, 7 years of not being good enough, 7 years of I’ll never be good enough, 7 years of loneliness that was self-inflicted, 7 years of self-entitlement, 7 years of unforgiveness towards myself, 7 years of love that’s been lost.
I’ve been jaded. I’ve been buried within myself. I’ve been stuck in a time capsule. I’ve been so lost in the what ifs, and what nots, and whys, and when’s, and how’s and where’s and who’s, and every possible scenario that could possibly play out in my head. I’ve been stuck. I’ve not wanted to move. I’ve not been able to move. I’ve been motionless while stuck in the non-stop motion picture of my life continuing without me mentally being present. Spiritually, and physically I’ve been present, and living it, but mentally I’ve been in a time capsule.
Losing my Daddy was the toughest hardship I’ve yet to face in my life. He was precious in my eyes’, as most loved ones are in the eyes of their family whether it be parents, children, aunts, uncles, close cousins, distant cousins, or even friends. It’s never easy to lose someone you love. Often, people close up, and enter into darkness. A world where only they understand, because they are the ones feeling the loss, and they are the ones who experienced the loss, even though the lost loved one was loved by many. Individuals feel pain differently. No two people will feel the exact pain for the loss of anyone, although similar, different people will cope different ways. Some cope with solitude, some cope with depression, some cope by venting, some cope with extravagance, some cope with drugs, some cope with Jesus, some cope with gardens, some never cope and simply just turn a page.
Welcome to my world. I never coped; I turned a page. When I first turned the page, I was ok, but as the chapters were written and each page turned, I became someone I was never intended to be. I became broken and whole at the same time. I lived with partial fulfillment. I lived in a partial state of mind. I lived in a half-hearted world. I lived in a fearful world. I lived a life not being able to love or allow anyone to love me, NOT EVEN JESUS. You, read that right, I wouldn’t allow Jesus himself to love me.
The closest I came to loving anyone was a temporary feeling of people’s closeness, and then pushing them out. I done the same with Christ. I’ve done the same with all my family, and friends. I’d love them from a distance. I’d love them from the outside of my heart, and never really the fullness of my heart. I done this because of my loss. I done this because I never wanted to lose again.
After I was led to write Dear Daddy, it was like something inside of me took the time capsule that I was stuck in and began to fling it onto the ground beneath my feet. I can see the picture so clear. That time capsule was placed into my hands and I and began to throw it onto the ground over and over again, from the left to the right. In a violent rage, I shattered that time capsule all over the ground. The slamming, the smashing, the crashing, along with all the anger, hurt, hopelessness, pity, and strife that was left with in me, it was like a fire broke out from within my soul. I can see my hair as if I was in a storm, slamming that time capsule onto the ground in the pouring down rain.
Only it wasn’t me that was throwing the time-capsule it was Jesus.
With every tear that fell, to the ground, my heart began to beat again. Thump. Deep Breath. With every tear that fell from my face, I began to release. Thump. Deep Breath. Thump. Deep Breath. That one hurt. With every tear that fell from my face I began to come alive again. Thump. Deep Breathe. There’s a pulse, but it’s faint. With every tear that fell from my face, I began to emerge from the clay of the earth, that I became buried within. Thump. Deep Breath. Oh my Gosh where did that come from. It hurts God! What’s this feeling? Why is my heart racing? The pulse is now stable, and we have a heartbeat. I was alive again!- And now I live!
At first, I felt me. I felt anger and rage. I felt the living dead girl breath, I felt unfinished. I felt cheated. And then I felt relief rush in, one that let me know it was ok to be breathing again.
Second, I felt Jesus. A dear friend of mine told, she felt the next time I went to church, that I was going to be healed. All I wanted was Jesus to place his healing hands up me. All I wanted was him to heal my broken heart. All I wanted was for him to make me 100% whole again. All I wanted was for him to hold me.
Thirdly, I began to look around me. I began to look at those in my life, in my small circle. Let me tell you, I have a very small circle. I do not let anyone in, but I’ve known the whole time, those that are in it. And I still know those that are a part of it. I may not know who all God is going to bring into my life, but as for the ones that are there, I’ve began to look at them all. Beginning with my closest of family, and then my church family, and then my closest of friends. They all know who they are, and if they don’t then they’re oblivious to it, or maybe they don’t want to be a part of my circle, and that’s ok to, but I’m still looking at them now through the eyes of this heart that’s began to pump again. And through this heart that’s just been brought back to life, I’ll love them all for the first time in my life. During my numbness, I was born again into the body of Christ. Corinthians 13:13 I had the faith, I had the hope, I knew to love, I just couldn’t feel love, nor show it, past a brink moment.
I’m now pushing and pressing into this new world of loving people and allowing them to love me. It’s not easy. Sometimes, I can physically hold onto people, sometimes I can’t. It’s still give and take. But I’ll get there. Those that I love, I’m not pushing out anymore, and those that really love me, I keep letting in deeper. I may not want to feel them, but I need to. I don’t want to die out to love anymore, and I don’t want them to die anymore because of my inability to accept their love or show them my love towards them, which is even greater now than it’s ever been.
I’m pressing even harder into Christ and loving him and accepting his love and calling over my life. This isn’t the easiest of task for me either, but I love him so much, and it’s because of him that I was brought back to life. It’s because of Christ Jesus those chains have been broken off me. It’s because of Christ Jesus that I’ve found my voice. It’s because of Christ Jesus that I recovered from a drug addiction that should have taken my life. It’s because of Christ Jesus, that I’m able to pray and reach the holy of holies. It’s because of Christ Jesus that I know that my prayers are reaching the throne room of heaven. It’s because of Christ Jesus, that I’m able to speak and say I know that he’s alive and sitting on the right hand of God. It’s because of Christ Jesus that I’m able to say I that I am now thankful that I have suffered everything I’ve gone through, and I’m blessed have had the experience of a broken person that’s been thrice dead and brought back to life, once as a sinner, once as a prodigal, and once a mentally numb person, for his glory. It’s because of Christ Jesus that I can say, if you help with just about anything, I can help you, and if I can’t, I’ll pray God sends you someone who can. It’s because of Christ Jesus that I can say that I am alive again. It because of Christ Jesus I have peace, and I know that whatever comes my way I can survive it. I now know that he was always with me, and he never left me. It’s because of Christ Jesus I can look to my unknown future and know that he’s already saw it, and all that I have to do is trust him. It’s because of his resurrecting power that I can say, I’m made whole.
I may not know your story, and I may not know your name, but I know a man who does, and that man is Jesus. I know he loves you, and I know he wants to help you. I know he’s there with you in your troubles, and struggles, in your darkness, and in your plagues of life. I know he’s there in your tears, and in all of your questions. I know that he wants to hear from you.
I’d like to share something with you before I bring this to a close. My first service in church, since being attacked by that devil named Covid, was yesterday. Yes, I had covid, yes it sucked, yes it was sent to weaken me, yes it was meant to harm me, BUT Jesus used that for good. I was able get close to him during my quarantine, it was then that I found where my greatest strength came from, not because I was physically sick, but because I realized that it was him, that had the key to my heart, and it would take him to unlock it for everyone. And it was him that wanted to be in that number one place within my heart. And it was him that kept calling out to me, and him that had his hands upon me during the darkest years of my life. And he’s saying to me right now, and to you too, behold “I make all things new. And this new thing, you’re about to see manifest before your eyes. You’ve barely touched the surface of what is to come for you. Trust me and see, keep yielding yourself to me, you’re going to see the fruit of your harvest. Coming soon I say, coming soon. Many will see. I in thee, and you in me, you are my seed, I shall not leave thee begging for bread, for you will be fed from the table of the master, and you will feed many. You are mine. You are redeemed. You are my blood, and my blood flows through your veins. Seek my word, and you’ll grow. Remember I am found within my word.”-
At church the guest minister was preaching on boldness, and he asked me if he could pray for me, I felt it. This man of God spoke of a boldness coming, and said I had an anointing over me, along with a few other things —This man didn’t know me from ADAM. Out I went, slayed in the spirit. That was the best feeling I’ve ever experienced in my life.
I now look forward to life again. I look forward to doing the will of God, and I won’t back down. I refuse to silence this roar within me, I refuse to not mention the name of Jesus, I refuse to back down from the devil. I accept love, and I’m going to love others with every breath in me, for this is the perfect will of God. I refuse to not pray for the sinners, I will study god’s word even when I don’t feel like it. I will give myself 100% to Christ for his ministry, for his glory. I refuse to stop now. I know my breakthrough is happening, and I know that your breakthrough is coming.
The third greatest awakening that America has yet to see is coming. Are you ready? Do you want the anointed fire from heaven? Reach out and grab it…..
❤ I love you, (yes, I mean it, yes, I feel it, thanks be to Jesus ❤ )
❤ Jesus loves you most! ❤
❤ Christie. (Don’t lose heart, he’s got your back. He knows your name) ❤
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