As the year 2021 began to come to a close with the last 24 hours of ticking down; I found myself sitting in my recliner, close to my son, with my airpods in listening to Casting Crowns-In the Hands of the Potter, with tear filled eyes, and waves of sorrow flowing down my cheeks. I found myself questioning Jesus. The lack of prayers answered, the lack of closure, the lack of happiness, the lack of joy, the lack his presence, the lack of peace, the lack of light, was the reason for these tears. While hearing the following lyrics play “My world is breaking me, your love is shaping me, and the enemy is afraid of what you’re making me.” I heard what God was telling me with these lyrics, only I couldn’t feel him within myself. All I could feel was my own self and my own reckless emotions. I was broken.
2021 started off being a decent year for me. I began the year with season passes to my favorite getaway place in Tennessee, Dollywood. I’m an avid thrill seeker. Minus that little swinging thing in Tennessee the slingshot or whatever it’s called, and that seat that looks like it’s on a pendulum, yeah, no way Jose on them things. But as for Dollywood itself, I feel in love with that place in my early 20’s. It always been my escape, and a place of solitude when I just want to unwind. I’ve transitioned jobs a handful of times in 2021 going wherever God leads. I became a SRNA or CNA, (something I never wanted to do, but Jesus’ lead this, even speaking it to me in a dream and I followed, and low and behold I accomplished this, & turns out I loved the servitude I learned from guidance of God, and the connection with my patients).
But in October of 2021, things began to shift. The shift was a downward one, and it quickly become a spiral. While still following Jesus, I went into a storm. One like a hurricane. You see even though I was close to Jesus, I had cracks in my Armour, and the devil being the sly fox he is, began to chissel at those cracks with everything in him. God began to send people to me again to pray for me, to reach out to me, and ones to walk with me into my dark. My best-friend Sara is my warrior in Christ, and my furnace fighter. That girl has battled every devil right along with me. My Church family saw me withering away and began to reach out to me too, but not to the point of pushing me farther away from Jesus, giving me space when I needed it, but telling me what Jesus had to say when he spoke it to them. They knew I was still holding on. I’ll never forget my pastor’s wife speaking to me one Sunday while I was just sitting in the pew lifeless without my tambourine. She told it was going to get better, and might I add, she would have never said this, unless God led her to. She’s very mother like, wise in years, but allows her children to make their own decisions, while trusting Jesus to fight their battles. – God used her that day. The same day, my sister in Christ was led to pray for me, motioning me up front, and I shook my head no. I was paralyzed. I couldn’t move, I didn’t want to move. Being obedient to the Holy Ghost, she got up and came to me and prayed for me anyways, and God spoke through her and told me the Storm won’t last forever. I knew then, it would end, only I didn’t know how long it was going to last.
By middle November, I had reached another low, the Devil had chipped so much at my Armour that it was completely chisselled off, and my husband and I had gotten into a fight, and some harsh words were spoken, and I was planning on saying lights out. Only to find myself sitting in the floor, and a song came on reminding me I wouldn’t be weary long, and that I wasn’t meant to walk this road alone. –Then came my cat Chloe who refused to let me move. But also, soothed me through the tears I cried. I collected myself, had a talk with Jesus and continued into the dark. December came, and the darkness got thicker and thicker with each passing day. I’d pray and talk to God, I still wasn’t reading his word, I had lost all desire for his word, but I still held on to him, but only by the hem of his garment.
In the last two weeks of December 2021, I began to miss church, and eventually stopped going all together. At first, my reason for missing was I had to work, and then I was too tired from working and I just felt my body needed rest, and then I just didn’t want to go, so I stopped. But I was still allowing Jesus to use me on social media. The only time I could feel Jesus is when someone would speak to me though the Holy Ghost, or when the Holy Ghost would get ahold of me and use me. Other than that, I was numb to God.
I began to question him. Jesus, I’ve held on for 4 years, when are you going to save my household? When are you going to move my husband into that bold spiritual leader that I need? When Jesus, are you going to move on what you told me you would. I began to rant and cry within my heart. Jesus, when are you going to full-fill your word to me? Am I not good enough Jesus? You died for me Jesus, but you don’t care enough to see, that I need movement? I’ve tried keeping a clean house Jesus, and you never answered then, and I’ve read my bible, even digging deep into the word. I’ve fasted, I’ve held onto you in the past, only to have you forget who I am right now as I am battling this storm. And now Jesus, you’re letting me Go. Why did I hold on all these years, only if you’re going to just let me go now? I knew you was going to turn me away like everyone else has.
I went to bed around 5am on December 31st, and woke up around 1PM. I went to bed the night prior praying, and woke up the next morning praying. Barely hanging on to Jesus, I still prayed. In reality I wasn’t hanging on. The thread on the hem of his garment was wrapped around me, to the point of me losing blood flow, and it was about to break, and I was going to bleed out, and die in my sins.
I’ll never forget today as long as I live. I woke up to messages asking me if I was coming to the watch service tonight at church. Of course, I was going. I wouldn’t miss that for anything. Still broken, and even if I didn’t go anymore after that, I’d rather be in church praying out the old year and in the new year, than anywhere else on earth. I began to talk to my husband and ask him to go with me. And I broke down into tears, I told him how much it meant to me, all while begging God for a reason to go on, and begging him for something, anything. Jesus, just show me there is reason to go on with this walk with you, please, show me you’re going to lead him in like you promised me! I told my husband, this is very important to me, it’s not like I’m trying to sway you into joining where I go, I just want you there with me and I want the baby there, so we are together as a family in the house of God, praising him as the clock clicks over. I ranted and told him; I need more from you. But still in reality I was also still telling Jesus I need more from you too. Not make it worth it, cause Jesus alone makes it worth it, but just show me you are moving because if I don’t get something, I’m going to let go, the pain is so unbearable, and I can’t take it anymore. God I’m broken. I’m done. Unless you do something, I can’t do this anymore. — This is when I let go of God. I backslid. Last night he used me to deliver a message, and today at approximately 3PM I backslid. The pain of waiting on God, I let Go.
Danny spoke and said, “If I do go, I do not want a bunch of people in my face.” Those words gave me hope. I began to ask people pray. When Sara messaged me after work, I called her and began to talk to her and tell her, he may go with me tonight, and I just needed God to move and show me something. I asked her to come in unity with me, as I anointed my head and prayed before going to church. We spoke of things we were to pray about and then began to pray. The bible tells us that if any two of you shall touch and agree upon anything according to God’s will, it shall be given. That’s why this agreement in prayer was so crucial, and critical.
Two of the many things we were going to pray and agree upon was: 1. My conviction, & 2. God to let Danny go to church and plant a seed within him even if he didn’t get saved that night.
I annointed my head, and we began to pray. We prayed for my conviction, and for Danny, and we prayed over all other things we had spoken about, and then went back to my conviction for me to follow after Jesus, and then for God to let Danny go to church with me tonight on New Years Eve and plant a seed in him: Thats when it happened, I was given a vision. While I’ve had several dreams, and saw many things, never nothing like this. And it happened as I spoke Danny’s name and the seed. I saw an aged tree from the side. The tree was sitting upon a bank, nothing else around it, and the sky behind it was a night sky deep dark blue, the grass beneath the tree withered and dark greenish/brown, the branches and limbs were all bare a dark color of brown/black, and the trunk was broad with the same brown/black color. But the roots beneath it was what stood out the most, one side of the roots where small, they had no depth in the earth, but right out from the smaller roots, there were longer roots, much longer roots that extended into the earth.
I told Sara immediately what I saw, and how it flashed before 2 times, and how I saw it clear. I told her I was going to draw this out, and then send her a picture. As I collected my stuff to prepare to draw this image out, I didn’t know where to begin, except to ask Jesus to help me put in on paper. And he delivered, with his help I drew out the image I had seen, but again something happened, when I got on Facebook, I was given a quote to go with it, and it lined up perfectly with what we had prayed and agreed upon, the planting of the seed. The quote that was given to me was: We cannot force someone to hear a message they are not ready to receive, but we must never underestimate the power of planting a seed. I knew Jesus was going to do something. & Danny started getting ready for church shortly afterwards.
The message at church on December 31st, 2021, was about 2nd chances, and as we go into the year 2022, God is giving us 2nd chances. It was about the prodigal son. The one who knew the father, but chose to get his inheritance early, only to waste it away on everything he didn’t need, only to be left eating with the swine. Then he remembered his Father. He was thinking his father wouldn’t welcome him back, and he was planning on just asking him to let him be his servant, instead of his son. He had sinned against his Father by failing to listen to him and choosing to do things on his own instead of how his father instructed. But the Father who’s love for his son was endless, met his son in the field, and before the son could ever reach him, he opened his arms up, and welcomed him home, not as a servant, but as one who had never left, and he gave to him to eat the best of the best, and invited him to sit back down at his table, also as one who had never left. You see, the son was a saint who knew the Father, but chose he wanted everything early before the Father’s timing, only he didn’t know what to do with it and he wasn’t prepared to receive what he did, so quickly, he became lost in it. When he came to his senses, he remembered his Father and went home thinking, he wouldn’t ever be good enough again. Again, that wasn’t so, like the bible says, his mercy endureth forever, and he’s married unto the backslider, and so he welcomed this dead son back and breathed new life back into him, and once again he became a saint. And he saw he was worthy of his Fathers love, not only that I don’t believe the son ever left the father after that.
Tonight, I was the Prodigal son, but tonight there was a seed that was planted within my husband, and when the time is right god will grow it. I know this because, I was pleading with God over these 2 things, and my husband watched me fall to my knees infront of the whole church, crying out to God, he watched those altars be opened, and me give my life back to god infront of him. He watched God’s redeeming power upon his own wife. And I know God will water this seed that’s been planted within him, in his timing, when he’s ready to recieve it.
I now know without a seed of doubt in my heart that everything God has ever spoken over my life will come to past. When 2021 came to a close, I had perfect peace from my Father in heaven who met me at the altar with arms wide opened. And as I lay my head to rest, I know he’s going to hold me, he’s growing me, and my season has now turned to spring.
Jesus, I believe ❤ ❤ ❤
If you’re that prodigal, remember you’re not too far gone, and Jesus has his arms opened waiting for you, and he wants you to come back to him. He sees you afar off, and he saw you fall, but he wants to redeem you back.
May God’s light continue to shine to you always!
Remember, I love you and Jesus loves you more ❤
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