Do you ever sit and think:
I know Jesus loves you, and I know that he’ll forgive you but he can’t possibly do the same for me? ; I’m just too bad for him to love and for him to forgive. ; Do you ever say “I know his word applies to you, but it can’t possibly apply to me, I’m to far gone, and I mess up so much and I’m impossible to love.
Since giving my heart to Jesus in January 2017, I have struggled with accepting his love for me.
I know my salvation and repentance was real.
In one of the many unstable parts of my marriage, the devil offered me everything that had a name. A man in uniform (Army Boy), sex, laughter, fun-times, someone who loved and lusted after my body, and someone who was my age. I was beginning to question the very foundation of my marriage, and why I said my vowels, and the direction my life was taking. I was still on drugs at the time, and was lost in an unknown world that was eating me alive. I was fixing to walk out on another child because of my fleshly Misery. But that’s when Jesus stepped in.
While questioning what Daddy would want from me, (I had questions that needed answers, ones only a Daddy could give.) God sent me helpers, and they began to feed me the anointed word of God, you see these were Holy Ghost filled Christians. They had the goods to back up their spirit, they were filled with Jesus himself, and they radiated. I’ll never forget my first true encounter with him, I was talking to a friend and all I could do was cry. She even said “Christie, you’re going to have to get control over yourself.( I literally cried every time I talked to her).. Next thing I know what came out of my mouth was “Jessie you don’t understand, I feel God with you.”.. Jesus was so present in her life that he radiated from her, and I was drawn to him through her. She became my vent, she became my friend, but she never swayed from his words, and his direction. When I was seeking direction from my daddy, I got directions from my Father.
Christmas 2016 came and went, I had more dreams, even a few startling ones that shook my heart, not knowing why things were happening and why I was seeing stuff, I got scared.– But Jesus kept pressing and showing me stuff. And he kept his presence near me. I remember the Army boy coming in for a visit, and buddy was it fun, but it wasn’t me. I knew it but my flesh was like “freedom”. My spirit was like, “misery, madness, chaos, and you’ll never be satisfied, there’s more, ask him about God.” I remember even asking him about what God wanted from me because Jesus was drawing me in already. – He didn’t know what to tell me because he wasn’t saved. He spoke from his flesh.
January 2017 came like a rocket, I was at a very trivial state of mind, lost in a world of what If’s, living in sin and adultery, I was miserable, I hated life, I wanted to go on to be with my Daddy again,. But My Jesus stepped in.. My husband was leaving one morning to do something, maybe go to a doctor. We wasn’t really speaking, but we were married and had Eli together, so we had to have some kind of verbal words here and there.
I remember it like it was yesterday. Eli had made a mess in the floor with books, he was barely a year and a half old, and Danny was picking them up, and he picked up the bible and started to put it up, and told him ” I was going to read that bible, but I’ll just read Daddy’s bible instead” — I kid you not I never thought to read the bible, Jesus had already gotten ahold of me. Danny left, and it was me and the baby and Jesus at my house.
I remember pulling out my bible, and looking up everything on Salvation and repentance in the concordance and reading these bible verses out loud with snot and tears flowing my face, and it was then I asked the Lord to Forgive me and to Save me,– & just like that John 3:3 & John 3:5 came alive to me. It was though I had died and was born again in my living room floor. -I remember telling my friend “I’ll see you on the other side”.
Then it clicked, God wanted me to stay married to my husband, but for what reason, I was miserable and sometimes still am. — For his glory. To lead him to him.
Its been almost 5 years, I still struggle with accepting the Love of Christ I felt the day I got saved, I struggle with being that same changed person, I struggle with his direction for me. I’m unhappy with my fleshly life, and I hate it so bad at times. But if God be for me who can be against me.
The past year has been the most difficult year in my marriage, not only with my husband but with my Marriage to that Spotless Lamb of God Jesus my savior. I’m just not happy, I’ve waited and waited and feel forgotten at times, but every time I’m close to letting go, god speaks and reminds me of his promises, giving me reasons to hold on. I’ll see signs that go by, names appear, I’ll see quotes on facebook, or hear a random song that tells me to hold on a little longer.
My last 3 months have been the hardest, details only few know, but God is still here. For months I didn’t even feel him, but because of those promises, I still held on to Jesus. He gave me hope through those promises, he gives me reason to hold on through those promises, he gives me the ability to breath when I see signs of the promises. I take a deep breath and let in flow out.
The last month I’ve been shaken to my very foundation, mentally, physically, and spiritually the enemy has fought me tooth and nail, trying to kill me out. – I’m still holding on, and when I was to the point of backsliding, he God sent me angels, and my church family.
The last 2 weeks I was delivered what I call the separator in my marriage, (the lowest of low blows) but I’ve held on. And in the midst of all this Jesus is showing me songs, and the lyrics are beginning to speak to me, he’s sent people to pray for me, and he’s having me pray for people that keep flooding back that I keep shutting out. I’ve started a new job in my career as a CNA where the signs are all around me. Names are appearing more often, I see owls, butterflies, and ladybugs daily, all pointing to God’s promises are close at hand.
I’ve felt the presence of the Lord for the past 3 or 4 days so strong and mightily in me, and around me and its the most humbling experience I’ve ever felt. I thought I was forgotten and that he didn’t love me because its been 5 years of pain and agony of not being in love or feeling loved by a spouse whom I only feel like a trophy wife to, (I’m no trophy, I’m mean and can be so hateful at times. I work constantly, and barely home to help with the house, then I get wild hairs up my butt and clean all day). When I’m home I want to sit down and just vent to my music. — I love my kids so much, they’re my little terrorist. They like to push buttons and then laugh in my face only to see me turn red, and me bust out laughing because I can’t stay mad long. I’m an example to them, and they see me as their best-friend. They’re my comedians, my pride and my pain. They’re my all-stars. —
God’s been speaking and showing me he’s closer now than ever. He’s nigh unto the broken hearted and I know now he’s now nigh unto me. Accepting the Love that Jesus has to offer me is the best thing I’ve ever done, allowing myself to take a backseat to my marriage, and not worry about anything but the Lord, and his grace and love is the best thing I could have done. —
Love is a choice, Jesus loved us when were the most un-loveable, he loves us when we turn our backs on him, and he loves us when we say God not right now.
Today, and forever, I chose to soak up the Love of Jesus, I accept that he is for me, and that I have work for Jesus to do.. And I chose to show it to those who are the most un-lovable because often I’ve been the most unlovable to the one who died for me.
Accepting his love is the hardest, but feeling his love is the greatest.
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