It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. I’ve just not had the heart or mindset to do so, however last night, today and tonight the urge has been pressed upon me. I don’t know why I feel the need to write, but as always I’ll pray and ask God to help me.
Father, I pray, I pray, I pray, help me to write, help me to open up and give you the lead on whatever there is that needs to be spoken, and or typed. Use this blog as a reflection of what’s within, without and what’s going on for your glory and for a light to those who are walking or have walked similar paths. I know Lord, you alone help me write, and without you I simply cannot complete any such writings. Jesus I ask that you speak to me also as I go back and reread what has been written. & Jesus I know I am not where I need to be in this life, so I ask that you take me there. Amen.
Pain, agony, heartache, grief, anger, rage, and trauma; 7 words all related, 7 words that describe my prison.
I’m stuck. I’m in a state of constantly being stuck, and confused. I can’t go forward and I can’t go backwards. Forward, I don’t want to face because of all the uncertainties (I trust God; just not people anymore, including myself); Backwards is a direction I’ve been trying to go for months, sadly I can’t go back. I keep trying to go back to the 2nd week of September 2024 when I was in a state of healing instead of despair.
Marching on..Shall we??
Grief
Grief is very messy; but why do people grieve? Grief isn’t always caused by death, it can be caused by numerous things such as childhood experiences, financial burdens, and self procrastination.
The informal definition of grief is actually trouble or annoyance, while the formal and most familiar definition of grief is deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.
I have experienced both versions of grief; in general I think most people have; although the human mind is unaware what is really going on. — not sure if any of that made any sense.
My trauma began as a child (hint go back and read my other blogs). I witnessed events that I’d not wish upon anyone, while yes, everything could have been worse, I’m thankful it wasn’t. A few small points, I watched my sister be molested, my stepdad was an alcoholic, drugs, alcohol, emotional neglect, etc. I’m sure you get the picture, but that’s not what’s ailing me…….
This past year has sucked! There I said it. My heart screamed it. In the silence of the night with nothing playing inside my mind but haywire emotions, THIS PAST YEAR HAS SUCKED!!!
It’s been a year that has made me want to go backwards.
I wish I could just see her face again. I wish I could hold her hand and say I love you one last time. I wish I could talk to her and ask her what the crap do I do next in life. My grandmother. My fortress, my second mom, my bestfriend, my super woman in this life; Gosh I’m so lost. June 9th, made a year she had been gone, June 12th made a year she had been buried, and today I’m lost. I’m as lost as I was the day I saw her take her last breathe. I can’t bring her back, I can’t go back, and can someone tell me how the heck I go forward (Before you give me advice; know I do not want to hear it!! I am stuck. Leave me alone on the pep talks; or leave them to Jesus, or Sarah or whoever knows how to get to me, because few do; I’m some kind of screwed up puzzle right now; whose pieces are all over the floor)
I’m angry; not just because of my grandmother but because of myself also.
I’ve lost me. I’ve lost who I was.
I was the woman that could always see beneath someone’s pain; I preached to people for years that they still existed beneath the trauma and I tell myself and husband daily, I’m not me, I’m alive underneath all this, but I don’t think he understands. He’s never gotten to know the real me, only a glimpse of her, & boom at the first sign of heartache (all relationships have ups and downs) like a masked rider & runaway bride; I vanished in the thick and middle of the night. I dabbled in alcohol, picked up cussing, and I went with the newest emotions that I recently begun to feel “ANGER & RELEASE”… only anger & release are the names of the demons that decided to take my hands and run.
Since January 2025; I’ve been pregnant twice; both ended in miscarriages; hello grief, self blame, self pity. Well, hello there anger, where did you come from again; you’re new to me and you put sadness at bay…
Why did I have to lose my babies? Not one but two babies back to back; I prayed for them. I loved them. Why me? I know 1 in 4 women experience miscarriage, but my life was already in a spiral now this, talk about icing! Now, the first miscarriage wasn’t as physically horrendous as the second one. The second miscarriage I thought for sure I was bleeding out. The physical weakness is something I’ll never be able to place into words. I should have probably gone to the hospital but I refused, instead I called upon Jesus and he came though. Now, both were equally mentally and emotionally draining. I’m still trying my best to cope with the losses. Mother’s Day was hell for me. I was so hurt I didn’t want to be scene. Yes, I have 3 living children, no I’m not selfish but I should have been pregnant; experiencing the kicks and flutters from my pregnancy’s; only I was feeling sadness while riding a rollercoaster of emotions, Anger take me away; I don’t wanna be so down; I’d rather be able to run through a wall.
Have you ever experienced adrenaline? When anger takes over, and the release sets in, I can run. I can run my mouth, spill out everything I’m feeling, talk in circles; I don’t make any sense, I’m like a ping pong ball just being smacked between the two; until one hits me out of bounds and then it takes ME, forever to find me.
Deep breath in, deep breath out.
Oh, this hurts, it’s sadness again; I’m still alive, Jesus please help me.
In the stillness, in God’s stillness I find myself, weeping at his feet. You’d probably even question how someone like me finds themselves again when back at Gods feet right, I’ll tell you how, because when I’m alone with God, I can be myself, my real self, the version of me my husband doesn’t know, and the version I long to be again.
For the most part I wake up and don’t even remember who I am anymore. I remember Jesus and I talk to him, but once that switch is flicked, All I know is anger and release. I know I countlessly pray and ask God to forgive and help me, but I also know I’ve became a prisoner of my brokenness; not only that, but my visitors only see me in my prison; only the ones who knew me before know who I am. I speak of her often, but where she went to is so deep within that prison that only the strongest of souls can reach her.
I’m at a breaking point.
It’s break out of this prison or die in here.
& I’m not ready to let myself, my true self die.
🩷Christie
Ps. If God can help me and is willing to help me of all people, then he can help anyone.. I think I keep him busy coming after me daily.
My advise is this. Always talk to Jesus. No matter what; talk to Jesus, talking to him is what’s kept me alive, or else I’d be gone for good.
For His Glory 
Leave a comment