For His Glory

I’m so angry.

For years I have tried to do the right thing always placing others before myself, only to be last on most totem poles and never first. I done this because that’s what one is supposed to do right?

My anger caught up to me.

I’m sick.

I’m tired.

I want to be first.

I want to matter.

I know I matter to God and my family, and maybe I am selfish for wanting to be first in someone’s eyes.

Why is this season breaking me? Why does it feel like God has left me? Did I really get that far from him? Why does it feel like he’s breaking me and molding me down. Why does the purification hurt so bad.

I never knew I had such anger in me.

I was so happy; so healthy full of life and I craved Jesus; now all I crave is for the pain to stop.

I sat in my car begging God, screaming to him asking him to just make it stop; all the mental and physical pain. I begged him to do something about it; & if it’s not going to stop to forgive me and take me home.

But that’s not how life is.

We can’t bargain with God, his ways are just and holy & who are we to ever compare our pain to his goodness even when life sucks or seems unfair.

Do you think (& I’ll speak to myself first) that Job wasn’t angry and upset when he lost it all.

Yes he was, he begged God to let him go on home, but God he had other plans and in the end he had more than he had in the beginning..

I’m so angry.

I try so hard with people.

I have got to get to where people and their opinions no longer matter and that keeping my hands in the hand of the Lord is what matters, but how?

The pain is too much.

Feeling lost and unwanted and under appreciated while trying to force the motions is very real. I hate school and I love school. It’s a tug of war where the finish line is so close that I can’t breathe.

My marriage; I made the mistake of downgrading and disrespectful talk before in other blogs about how hurt I was in my previous marriage and this one; I lift up to God while begging Jesus just let me see the finished line.

I wasn’t supposed to love anyone.

I was invincible.

I was numb.

Like a cracked egg; I’m all over the place running out without containment; and I’m trying to put myself back together in the process.

I don’t recognize myself.

When I look in the mirror I see tears, pain and the most unloveable person on this planet. I am my own worst enemy; so I don’t need others picking me apart because I do that enough in this life.

I’m so angry.

I’m so full of hate.

I’m so full of rage.

I’m so hurt and I just can’t seem to come back to my senses of how life is supposed to be and I can’t seem to grasp life without Gods ultimate help; my major problem is I am refusing Gods help.

This is my toughest season and I’m walking alone.

It’s pouring the rain; my heart is bleeding without stitches strong enough to stitch it. I think of Jesus and his hands on my heart, as he holds me close.

Maybe the purpose of this is to teach me I don’t need love from anyone except Jesus alone. In my isolation I am so angry.

But I feel him near and he holds me close.

❤️Christie.