For His Glory

I’m not ok.

Simple words, honest words.

Those who say they know do not know and mostly everyone is void of understanding. I can’t explain this sadness but darkness seems like it’s all around. I see a light in the distance, but in body, mind and soul I almost feel like I’m too weak to make myself crawl to it.

I used to be so strong, now I’m beyond weak. I’m fragile and a hollow shell of who I used to be.

Yesterday made 10 years that my dad had been dead, and today makes a month since I lost my baby.

I’m surrounded by pain and memories.

I have to face it.

He’s never coming back, and my child will never be in my arms. I never even knew I could love someone so quickly so soon, until I saw those pink lines. I didn’t even hear the heartbeat but every heartbeat in me longed for that baby to live. I would have given my last heartbeat just for it to have survived.

This is a painful season.

No one understands it; everyone’s losses are different, though similar in meaning when it comes to love and depth of the heart, different in the circumstance and relational aspects to those that passes.

This place I’m in mentally feels like I have no air, the oxygen is growing thin, and the dust of the earth wants to consume me.

But I won’t stop.

I’ll put my best fake face towards the world and give it what it wants; smiles, craps and giggles, but never me. A fragile soul longing for truth and compassion, a warriors heart that’s constantly being shattered by those that she loves the most. Will it ever stop? Probably not, but what’s love without war? I’ve consumed so any cuts in the last month I’ve bled out without recognition….

I don’t know me anymore,

& I don’t expect anyone else to either….

Jesus. Please send SOS. I feel like I’m waving my hands held high in the air, and as you come closer Lord, I hide myself, I’ve lost it all now, even myself. I’m afraid of what might be, I’m afraid of all that’s happened, & I’m afraid to move forward.. I’m stuck in quicksand..

Faith, love, hope.

The greatest of these is love.

Love is breaking me. & I’m unworthy.

❤️Christie.