(Square One)
8 years ago, I said yes.
8 years ago, I said yes to the only man who could ever take my life and transform it into something new different.
8 years ago, I gave my heart to Jesus and like a mighty rushing wind he came in and made me new, washing me, making me white as snow, and giving me his new name.
8 years ago, that mighty rushing wind broke the chains of addictions that kept me bound hostage for over 15 years, (however……)
I still held on.
I held on to the pain of my past. I held on to the memories that held me captive. I held on to memories me that made me and developed me over the years. I held on to who I was (personality, some hobbies, likes, dislikes, everything I thought I was, even though I was following God, I was still holding on), often at times I’d cry out God help me, while pleading God save me and I’ll do this, this and this, like bargaining for life knowing I was going to make the same old mistakes. I’d try and fail, I’d try and fall, I’d surrender, lay it all down and as fast as I’d lay it all down, like dirty laundry I’d get right back up with everything in my hands, eventually placing it all back on me.
I never fully surrendered.
Although I surrendered my heart, and I was sincere in the prayers, I was not and did not surrender all that has held me back. WHY?
Self evaluation.
The pain, if I gave it up and if I really stood by the fact that it was no longer mine to carry, but that Jesus himself was carrying it for me, what would I be left with, and how would my life look? Would I be letting go of my memories and would come to forget the good along with the bad?
Would I forget the precious memories while growing in a pain-free no-longer fear dominated world?
Today I reflect.
(EXCERP From last year’s testimony)
Growing up my life wasn’t the easiest. I grew up in a broken home and was exposed to more than the average child should ever have to see. Growing up I would question God about many things including the reasons for the behaviors of those that I loved.
When I was a child, I had severe issues with my ears which lead to many surgeries, that exposed me to opiates at a young age. The exposure to the opiates introduced me to a world that numbed the emotional, physical, and verbal abuse. I fell in love with that world. That world seemed to fix everything I was not able to escape. Little did I know that world would cost me everything I ever loved in life.
After losing my oldest children to my drug addiction, my world grew even darker. It was all I could do to find more and more pills to numb every emotion I had. I was broken. Everyone wanted my kids, but yet no one said “Christie, let me help you.” I was so far gone, that I simply didn’t even know there was help for someone like me, and to be honest, I didn’t want it. All I wanted was my life back, and I didn’t know how to get it, so I done the best I could do to forget life.
Around the age of 29, I found out the worst news possible. I found out my precious Dad had cancer and was losing his battle with it. He was given 18 months to live; once again I began to wrestle with life, and God. Why God take the one person I have left that loves me? Why God, do this to me? My addiction went into the darkest part. I was throwing darts daily at myself, pressing the limits, just seeing how far I could go before I’d die. I didn’t care. Why should I have cared? I was living in what felt like hell on earth. All I wanted to do was go on to the afterlife.
There was 3 specific days during my darkness I took enough medication to OD. I took 90 dilaudid 2’s within 3 days. On the first night alone, I should have met my maker, and on the third day my family should have been having my funeral. One thing I remember about those specific nights is praying and begging God to please just don’t let me die. I knew something was wrong. As I closed my eyes each night into the blackness I went. I recall seeing a bright reddish orange color beyond the darkness; but I myself didn’t go any farther. Why did I stop at the blackness; why didn’t I go farther in?
About 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant with youngest son Eli. 2 weeks after that my daddy went on to be with the Lord. My life was still crazy, but I was only doing enough medication to keep my unborn child from going into neonatal withdrawal, which could have resulted in miscarriage, God only knows I didn’t want another loss on my hands, especially the loss of a child. Note: the day before daddy’s passing, and also the day I last saw my dad alive, I ran into my oldest children at a local fast food place, and was able to tell them I was pregnant and they were going to have a sibling. God gave me a sign of life, the very day death was knocking at my door. The day I said my final Goodbye to my dad, I said my first hello to my oldest children. You can’t tell me God wasn’t in that. Even though I didn’t know him. He was all around me.
I ended up in a subutex program for pregnant women, where I was successfully able to come off all drugs. My son was born healthy at 37 weeks. I praise God for this. My life was still crazy, broken and in chains. I was lost, and still wandering even though I had a reason to live. I just wasn’t happy.
I started smoking pot again when Eli was a few months old, and I began to question God. I began to turn to people and ask them about Jesus, even though I didn’t want to hear it. I’d tell them, if I could only ask my Daddy what to do. Those people told me what my Father in Heaven wanted from me, and how much he adored me in my brokenness. Those people told me of the love Jesus had for me and how he died for me.
God was drawing me in.
On New years eve I spent the night partying with some friends, but my Jesus was there too, I’m pretty sure I even ask them about Jesus at that point. I wanted answers.
The next day I came home, and I’ll never forget it. Danny was leaving going somewhere, Eli was about a year and totting around by then, and he had books scattered everywhere. Danny picked up the bible and I told him, I was going to read that bible, but instead I’ll read Daddy’s. NOTE. I never even thought about reading the bible, Jesus had taken over my words and thoughts, and he was about to do something BIG for me.
Danny left, I got Daddy’s bible and fell to my knees in my living room floor. I cried out and prayed and read on salvation and repentance. The old me died and I was born again. I felt a new me come up from the dead, I felt a new life come into me, I felt Jesus save me. I felt delivered, a day later I went back to the suboxone doctor, but I had an urgency to just throw them down. My sister in Christ encouraged me to just throw them down and let Jesus help me, so I listened. I was delivered off Suboxone Cold turkey. I know it had to be God’s hands on me because I only hurt for a few days, and the withdrawal subsided and truth be told suboxone is supposed to be one of the roughest drugs ever to come off of, my confession is I had withdrawn off opiates and benzo worse than I did the suboxone.
About a year into my walk with God, I decided God this life is to hard I can’t do it and I tried to go back on him. God corrected me fast and reminded me of a time I could have died. It was when I had taken those 90 diludid within 3 days. He told me he kept me alive for his purpose and that I’d lead many to him.
Now personally I can’t see how someone like me could ever lead anyone to Jesus. I’m weak and worn in spirit, but I know God is able. I know Jesus is real. I’ve spoken directly to Jesus, and he’s spoken directly to me. I know his Holy Spirit is real, and I know Jesus is the son of God, sent here to die for all of man’s sins. I know with all my heart he’s coming back one day, and I know what he done for me he can do for you.
We all battle darkness, we all battle sin, we all battle things we don’t tell anyone about. I’m alive to tell my story of how Jesus took a wretch like me and gave me a word of praise for his holy name.
I’m so undeserving.
I don’t even deserve to be alive, much less tell you about the saving power of God’s only Son Jesus.
Please know I want you to know that you matter to Jesus.
You are someone to Jesus, even when the world cast you out, you are someone to the one who created you and that alone is a reason to keep going.
Reflection:
Year 7 -Year 8, by far has been the hardest part of my walk with God. Looking back, I notice a pattern of events, I would rise, fall, rise and fall. And I am guessing that this happens for many, but I also notice a spiral a complete circle that I often make. NO MORE BEGINNING TODAY!!
Let me explain further why and what happened this year that literally made this the hardest year of my journey with Jesus.
In June I lost my grandmother, I watched her take her last breath from this life and at that minute she took her first breath on the other side of the grave. I’d not wish that on anyone. I filed for divorce in July, my world crumbled beneath me as I slowly took matters into my own hands no longer leaning on Jesus but praying just enough to get by, sometimes I couldn’t even find the strength to do that, sometimes all I could do was question everything around me and beg and plead for God to send help. I was on fire for God… how did I fall so short? I loved Jesus why wasn’t things changing? I begged and pleaded with him, I tried taking his direction, but I’ll be honest when I say the world got so hard that I collapsed into my own sorrow.
After some failed attempts at dating, I asked God one day to send me someone, I was in dispair and lost and just wanted someone to talk to, someone to love me and someone I could love in return. A few days later I began to talk to someone, little did this someone know he was talking to a disaster in the making. He was talking to the most broken version of me. He was talking to a lost soul who was just trying to find their way in life again. I knew God had big plans for me, but I just didn’t know how to Get to God again, and I knew I wanted God. I made that clear from the beginning of our relationship. He and I started dating shortly after meeting, and little by little I’d pray these silent prayers only God knew about, and little by little Jesus would show me direction that I knew only came from him.
My birthday came in October and what should have been joyful was a reflection of those I no longer had with me. It was my first birthday without my grandmother. A day of crying and looking back longing to hear from my loved ones who had gone on to be with the Lord. Grief is like Glitter and let me tell you it gets everywhere, and it is messy. Along came my best friend- He took me to the beach, and he asked me to marry him. A day of crying turned to one of the sweetest memories ever. A day of pain turned into the sweetest celebration of years and memories to come, a family and a hope that things do get better.
My divorce was finalized in December and about two weeks later I said I do to my best-friend.
A tear filled beginning, but one that I prayed for.
Year 7-8 was the hardest, it was the year that taught me that even the strong break, no one is invincible, good and bad things happen to all, you can be on the mountain top one day and then in the valley the next. It’s the year that I cried and begged God to move while I refused to move my own feet. Its the year that I turned my back to God and almost walked away hoping and praying he’d not let me go. It’s the year that I barely held on to the hem of this garment, and really at times he was the one hold on to me as I struggled to run because he loved me so much and his love is relentless, It was the year that I became the real prodigal son, it’s the year that Jesus carried me so much on his shoulders and caught all my tears.
ONWARD!
Now, as I reflect upon the events that happened so fast and how they unfolded I am left here today thinking about where God has brought me from and how I can avoid the mistakes of my past and move forward into being a productive member of society while keeping Jesus in my sight, and keeping my past behind me.
I am not who I used to be, but that old me tries to creep up on me. I realize i have a lot of blame in my own heart towards myself. I realize that I am the hardest person to forgive, but I have to forgive myself of everything that I have done and didn’t do. If Jesus forgave me, then I will and can forgive myself to. In my heart, all I hear is surrender, surrender it all and let me make all things new. Give me the pain, the worries, and seek and apply my words to your heart and let me fully transform you, place words into actions and I will move soon.
My prayer is.
God, here I am, I am weak and I am fallen, I have prayed and prayed and I have stayed the course, and I have fallen and strayed the course, but God if you’ll save me and make me new, I’ll follow you into the darkest nights, I’ll fight for the lost and I’ll forever keep my eyes on the cross. I can give you the burdens but I need you to make them lighter on me and remind me that you are carrying them when the enemy tries to bring them back on me.
I can’t go back and undo my mistakes but I can trust you to help me fix everything that is wrong in my life. I have love now, but Jesus I am still left with a God size hole only you can fill. God fill that hole in my heart. Resurrect me, make me new, give me a new song, give me a new life. God may I never forget that you make all things new, but faith without works is dead and sometimes and always we have fight the devil in the spirit, and remind him, not today, I am who God says I am, I am not a failure, I am a child of God.
While beginning to write this, once again I begin to feel Jesus tug at my heart. This was a tug I had not felt in ages, well, 8 years to be exact. Tonight, I met Jesus in my living room floor. I mean yes, I’ve prayed for repentance before, but this was different, like a drawing, a pulling, like a tug o-war game where the strong man was Jesus, and he was pulling me closer and closer. I’ve been feeling him more and more recently, but the drawing got so strong, and the tears, I can’t explain it, but I knew what I had to do.
How Ironic exactly 8 years after my salvation and repentance came, he called my precious name again and back to my knees I went. Jesus met me there; he led me and guided me. And I’m officially his again!!!!!
I am forgiven,
This is my new beginning..
Today I surrendered.
Just like Jesus gave me my life back, he can give it to you.
This is not the end, it’s only the beginning…
❤ Christie Hunter
For His Glory 
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