For His Glory

Do you ever just get the urge to write?

Obviously, I do, and tonight is one of those nights; for whatever reason, I’ll just have to see where Jesus takes this.

Recently, I’ve been fighting pain and disparity.

The pain I have been battling is that of emotional, mental, and almost astromical, I really do not think anyone in their right minds can comprehend it, not even myself; however this pain never ceases to end. I question often where is God in all of this, its a retorical question. I mean Jesus, HE himself is God in the flesh and even though I am sure he has faithfully forgiven me for filing for divorce after fighting and fighting not to over the years, I myself have trouble forgiving myself for going against his will. I have trouble trusting him again in this process, and I fail to believe that I am still his child.

I woke up two days in a row with the song by Brandon Lake on my heart, called “Don’t you give up on me.” There’s a message in it. It’s loud and clear.. DON’T GIVE UP ON HIM, HE’S JUST NOW GETTING STARTED. HE’S WORKING IN THE WAITING, EVEN IN OUR MESS HE’S STILL THERE.

I feel so far gone from Jesus that I am a shell of who I used to be, but maybe the breaking is really the mending. I see myself through my own judgemental eyes that I used to cast upon others. I am no longer gentle, at times I’m flat out rude to people, (but not always mean) I just feel like I am not taking any more crap from anyone. I’m so hurt right now its unreal. The real question is how do I forgive myself for getting outside his will and trying to take matters into my own hands? Is it even possible to reach this forgiveness for ones own self? The same forgiveness that Jesus conveys to me through the death of the cross, how do I extend it to myself. How do I forgive, for not loving faithfully in all things good and bad. How do I forgive myself for tempting my lord and wishing for death in the darkness? How do I forgive myself for grabbing at every straw there is in life and not really trusting Jesus in the process. I guess really, I stopped fully trusting in Jesus when my marriage failed. I fought like hell to save that. I fought like a mad man on two wheels rolling 90MPH down the highway, praying for daylight in that darkness. I prayed and prayed and prayed and never was there any movement. But maybe its true. Jesus tried to move, and he never did budge (he referring to my ex-husband). Maybe I was supposed to stay. (NOTE, I have no desire to mend my marriage, I was only there for the last two+ years because of Jesus). I can’t live on the maybes anymore, I just know my divorce will now be finalized and signed off on, on 12-3-24. But God, what am I doing with my life?

I’m almost burned out on school. It’s a struggle to focus. I force myself to pray, to stay and to even talk to God, and all I hear is “My daughter I am still here. It’s the voice of the father reassuring me to hold on, his promises still stand, I just have to be still and not rush so fast. Its ok to live but stop conforming to the world. I do not have to fight and be my old self for others to like me. I’ll be blunt. I kind of like me again, somewhat. I live in grudge clothes. Band tees, legging and I heart my vans. I really don’t know what dress are anymore, but it’s not the outward man that matters it’s the heart that follows after Jesus and it came to me my heart is pure.

I DON’T FEEL PURE.

I FEEL BROKEN, TATTERED, UNDONE, MISUNDERSTOOD, AND MISLEAD. I FEEL HOLLOW ON THE INSIDE. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

This is not a crash, but of course a remaking of me.

I’ll no longer base my judgement on people’s exterior, habits, or even their lifestyles. The simple question is do we or do we not know Jesus, and do we know him as our savior?

I’ll no longer look to the type of music someone listens to, or how they talk, but rather I’ll pay attention to myself and how I present myself in front of everyone else. Yeah, some of the worldly music I’ll never grasp, but now some I can bounce around to and own it.

HI, MY NAME IS CHRISTIE AND I AM PREFECTLY IMPERFECT, AND I KNOW JESUS AND HE KNOWS ME AND HE STILL LOVES ME DESPITE MY FLAWS, SET BACKS AND HE STILL WANTS MY HEART.

* & HE STILL WANTS YOURS TOO.

I’m done writing. The night is late.

I’m still trusting God for a miracle, for direction in all this darkess and NO matter what I’ll never stop talking to Jesus..

As for the rest of the night Imma talk to Jesus.

FAITH, LOVE AND HOPE.

BUTTERFLIES, OWLS, LADYBUGS.

ONE DAY AT A TIME.

ONE MILE AT A TIME

JUST ONE MORE MOUNTAIN TO CLIMB, AS JESUS HOLDS MY HAND.

❤ Christie.

Talk to Jesus he is near….

A verse I was given tonight:

Psalm 23:3 “He restores my soul”