For His Glory

July 30th, 2024, my divorce papers were filed, and the process has officially begun. On October 1st, I’ll call the county courthouse and tell them 60 days have passed and they can place our documents before the judge to get his final signature on the document, making my divorce official and finalizing it, then another document will be sent to our state capital to be filed and placed on record.

In my mind another process has begun.

“The Hurt & the Healing”

I sit in the silence of mind as I slowly grieve me breaking my marriage vows. While outwardly I put on a fake smile and live life, while carrying on each day. In the silence of my mind and in my cries to Jesus, I often say I am sorry, and plead my cause before him, making endless commitments to Jesus, that I also know I’ll end up breaking.

You don’t know until you have been there.

I loved my husband. I messed up in my marriage, but I loved him, and I think I have more of a love for him now than I did before. I wonder if this is why I am hurting. I’m not really sure. While the love I feel isn’t that of a companion, it’s a respectful love that says “just because we aren’t together doesn’t mean I don’t still care. My heart screams, why did you let me go? How was it easier to let me go than to give me what I wanted? Why did you just not go to church with me? Jesus was the solution for it all, and why did I keep crumbling under pressure. I longed for young love and someone to be there for me, but most importantly I longed for someone to be side by side with me in church. Why did you not fight for me as your wife? I get it I slept around, but you never went with me to church. I know there is no excuse for cheating, but is there really a reason for not keeping your spouse happy, especially if it’s a simple as putting on a button up and going to church?”

I’m hurting and healing all at once.

My second semester of school starts back soon. I am not prepared for it.

I have my own apartment with my live-in boyfriend and to be honest, he works his butt off to give as I have fallen into a state of depression. I appreciate his hard work, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t question everything in our relationship also. Eli loves coming to my house. I am planning on renting the home next door as soon as it is up to par, and later on purchasing it.

I am surrounded by bad dreams, but in my heart it’s like I feel Jesus reassuring me telling me it’s all going to work out, but right now, I can’t even get out of my own mind.

I am tired.

I am down.

But one day I’ll come out of this.

Right now, I am processing.

I’ve heard joy comes in the morning, sometimes I am so fearful that I don’t even know I am going to make it until morning, fearful of death (because I won’t stop smoking), and fearful of “what if God is mad at me because of my decision to actually leave my home”. Life is entirely in fast motion and is not slowing down for anyone.

I want to cry and lay around all day, but I am learning the only way to get out of this depression is to walk out of it. I have a lack of motivation and energy.

One day at a time.

One breath at a time.

I am processing.

Spero.

As long as I breathe, I hope that God turns even this around for his Glory. I hope and pray I find my praise and dance again. I hope and pray I truly fall head over heels in love again. Right now, I have so much on my plate that at times I can’t feel anything, not even my boyfriend. I don’t want to move. I want to stay in a vegetative state while talking to Jesus in my mind, begging and pleading with him to send help, just help.

Things aren’t bad, but I am processing.

Processing and Isolation.

Not many understand much less fully comprehend as bad as I wanted out of my marriage, filing those papers brought on a whole new healing process, mental process, and box of mental phrases overall.

For instance, I have lived in my new place for over a month, but about a week ago, I pulled in the driveway at my ex’s, and it occurred to me, it wasn’t my home anymore. Some people take more time to get things together than others, and now from this I’ll never place judgement on others or think in my mind that one should be over something so quickly even if it’s been years, truth be told, I AM NUMB. NUMBNESS my dear old friend, you have come to mend me again as I battle to just keep going daily.

I will survive this, and I will over come.

I will survive this with Jesus and overcome this with Jesus.

I am still a child of God.

I am still praying.

I am still breathing.

I am still Christie, just a shattered version of Christie who will one day come together in an ever so flaw filled better version of myself.

I am God’s masterpiece.

Sometimes we have to be so broken before we really start to rely on Jesus.

&. This is where I am in life.

I am processing.

I know there are others that have gone through or who will go through similar circumstances. I just wanted to get mine out there.

I once was on fire for Jesus and now I’m so numb that all I can say is Jesus send SOS.

Do you feel me? Are you there? If you’re broken too, know you aren’t alone. Even children of the light go through great deals of darkness. Sometimes we walk into the darkness, sometimes the darkness finds us, but regardless we are not to be consumed by it, and we aren’t to stay in it.

I’ve said enough for today.

I’ll write again.

For now, I breathe, go through the motions of life, and well, just process.

❤ Christie.