I don’t exactly know how long it has been since I have written anything. Multiple times I have begun to write and have never been able to finish them. At some point I believe I lost my heart for it. however tonight and today was different. I feel the need to write, so I will.
Where do I begin?
Let’s refresh.
My blogs are usually about my pain and trauma that I have gone through, and all of them have a message from God, or involve me talking to God. I’ve gone through quite a bit in my lifetime, and I believe my pain has a greater purpose. Jesus tells us in his word, that those who hope in the Lord shall renew their strength. Isaiah 40:31
All of my life Jesus has been there. In my mother’s womb when I was formed, he was there. Before I had a dad, he hand-picked the perfect one for me. (Knowing I’d lose him at a very young age in my life and his life too, he still picked him for me, and he was special).
In the abuse as a child, Jesus was there. I saw things the average child should never have to see. Yes, sure it could have been worse, and it can always be worse, but Jesus was there. When I was a teenager and ran away to Florida, crossing several state lines Jesus was there. Have you any idea how many bad things could have gone wrong in that situation, but Jesus. he protected me.
With my introduction and exit from my years of drug abuse, Jesus was there, and he delivered me. Why on earth, he saw fit to deliver me, I’ll never know. All I know is that one day he called me by name, and I answered him like Samuel and said, “Here I am, Lord, send me.”
I fail God. I have failed God, but Jesus, he himself sticks by me no matter what.
Ok. So, let’s fast forward to about six months ago, I believe that is around the time I wrote last.
I completed my third semester in school, completing all my prerequisites, and as directed by the LORD, I applied and was accepted into the Nursing program, sounds great right? Absolutely, only I didn’t realize how hard it was going to be. I am beyond thankful for the leadership of Jesus, because personally I would have never chosen to be a Nurse on my own. My first week of school I caught covid and had to miss a whole two weeks of in person lectures and labs. Immediately the devil rose up and plotted against me, but my Jesus, stood by me and he saw me through it. I recovered, and went back to class, and I even passed my first exam with a 94%. I thought easy breezy, God is going to give this to me. WRONG. I slacked on studying and by the time my 3rd exam rolled around I made a 64%, causing my grade to drop to almost failing. I prayed and prayed and prayed, God please don’t let me fail. Again, God was with me, he helped me. There were many exams if I had listened to his advice, I would have passed them. As the end of my semester came near, I knew I had to make a change. I was 2 exams from the end, and I pleaded with Jesus, God please help, but I had to do my part. Into the books and off from society I went. Hours on end I studied. I made a 96% and then my final. On the night before my final exam, I was so nervous and sick that I hardly rested and the morning of my exam, I wanted to puke. I sat in my car before the exam begging people to pray in unity with me and pleading to God, please just let me pass, I’ll make the changes next semester I need to pass, and I know you will show up like you always do. There was Jesus. I passed my final, with an 88%. I realized then that God was on my side. My overall grade for the semester averaged out to be around 82%. One my say, well you done the work. Yeah, I did by praying and studying and Jesus met me there. That was probably one of the hardest exams I had ever taken (Jesus please prepare me in advance for my NCLEX), I was down to the wire. If I had missed 32 questions, I would have gotten kicked out of the program. It’s true where God guides, he provides but we have to do our part and do our work. There were questions, that I knew for sure I had missed, but evidently, I didn’t. Again, there was Jesus. I am now 1/4 of a nurse and have 3 semesters and my NCLEX to go before I’ll, have that title of RN, beside my name. But guess what, right now on top of my name I have the words CHILD OF GOD, written over me, and I am realizing there is nothing I can do on my own, but with him I know there is nothing that I cannot do, except go against him.
Now, here’s my cry and more of an inside story.
My life is chaotic.
I am miserable.
I live in perfect world to the outsiders looking in but, on the inside, I am severely broken and tattered.
My marriage isn’t perfect. The devil uses my spouse against me and my walk with God. I’ve kept that no secret, but what some of you do not know is that I myself have not been the best of wife. I have my flaws too many to count. I lose my cool, I have cheated in the past. I fell away from God, and thankfully Jesus took me back and called me his again.
I know Jesus doesn’t keep tracks of my wrongs once I ask for forgiveness, but I am plagued daily with the heartache that goes on behind closed doors.
The whole, intent for this blog was to write a letter to God, to get it all out.
I hope it helps some of you to understand that everyone struggles, but we must keep holding on to Jesus.
Dear Jesus,
It’s me again.
Please help me. I am hurting. I am hurting bad. I have so much going on inside my mind and I can’t make it stop. Where are you God? Do you care that I am hurting? It’s not your fault, and I don’t want to play like I am the victim. Maybe my family is the real victim of my own selfishness. Maybe I am the problem here.
I feel like my husband doesn’t care. I have begged him and begged him to go to church with me, and he won’t God. Just today, I mentioned divorce God. Why does it have to come to this Jesus. I am hurting. Why doesn’t he care about my day? Why am I the one who always has to put forth the most effort. Why is he emotionally numb from me, and why don’t we communicate better? Why do I get the blame for everything that goes on?
I remember Jesus, on Eli’s birthday party, he didn’t even want to stay. He wanted to leave early, but because of me having a car full of youngins, he had to stay. He wouldn’t even take a picture with me. He didn’t even want to be there. Doesn’t my pain count for anything, why does it feel it goes unnoticed? I can’t divorce him God, your word speaks against it, but I am drowning in sadness over here.
God, we have separate bedrooms. I’ve not slept beside my husband in years. I don’t know what it is like to be held by anyone but you and my son, and the cat, and I can’t even feel you like I used to. The heart ache God is taking over me again. I broke over smoking again today. I can’t seem to get on track with you Jesus and keep it straight.
I do not want to fall from you God.
God, I need a Godly husband. I desire someone God who is going to help me walk closer to you. I desire someone who is going to push me closer to the cross instead pushing me closer to the ledge. I desire someone Jesus who is going to lead me to you instead of leading me farther from you. God, I blame my husband for me not walking closer to you. I blame him for my infidelity. I blame him for not nurturing me and loving me the way I should be loved. God, is life always going to be this way? Every day, he finds something to throw off about. I am ready to isolate again God and pull away from life again. I can’t take falling from you God, but I can’t take being in this home anymore. God, I need you, I need you like the air I breathe; I need you closer now more than ever. Help me to walk this narrow way with you according to your word and your word alone. God, I believe your word. I believe every promise you have made me, but why are they taking so long to come in? God why do I feel like you are harsher on me than you are everyone else. God, please help me. I am sorrowful and vexed in spirit. I can’t God. But you can God.
I am hurting.
Just two months ago, around Easter the argument got heated. It was horrible. I know you remember it. I know you haven’t forgotten me. In the moment when I felt the most scared that day, you were right there with me, you were there protecting me. He didn’t hit me Jesus, but I believe that he might have had you not stepped in, and he’s not a violent person, but that day God, it was bad.
Day in and day out I fall farther and farther away from him God, and I feel myself falling. I feel like I am falling into a never ended abyss, and it’s like it won’t stop. When will redemption win for me? You saw me through the nursing program, and you have answered so many prayers, but what is the deal with my husband? Do I have to go on like this daily?
Tonight, I was talking to my daughter, and he accused me of talking to a man. I WAS TALKING TO MY DAUGHTER. Just another reason why I am unhappy with him. I beg you to move God. I am falling Jesus. You say no weapon formed against me shall prosper, then why does it feel like it is? Where is the dawning of the new day, where I don’t hurt in this life?
Please Jesus send me a Godly husband. I can’t pray for this husband anymore, it’s all I can do to cry out S, O, S, I am hurting. I cover my hurt by living in a world where nothing bothers me, but I know this is wrong in your eyes. God, please help me.
I need someone Jesus who is stronger in you than I am. I need someone that says, Christie, I am here. I am not going anywhere, and we will anchor this in Jesus together. All I feel like I am anchoring in this home is abuse and trauma. He’s not physically abusing me, and he doesn’t drink, but where is my spiritual back bone. I need a spiritual backbone that is going to direct me to you. I need someone to say, if it’s not in God’s word we aren’t going to take it and we shouldn’t live by it. I’m trying my best Jesus. I don’t even want to come home anymore. I am the happiest when I am way from here. I don’t place any effort into life here anymore I am just going through the motions. I get up, find a reason to leave the house and I come back at night. I am not even spending adequate time with my son. Please help Jesus. S.O.S.
I’m trying to give you my all, but it hurts to stay here. Yes, I am thankful for the roof over my head, and the clothes on my back and the car. While I need these material things, am I not worthy to be loved? Younger couples in la la love, make me sick. I am happy for them, but I am saddened for myself. I am hurting. Just tonight I heard this new song and it spoke to me. It like he really thinks I’ll never leave him, is he correct because he knows I am fearful of you, and he knows I’d rather stay than to risk my walk with you. I have begged him for a divorce Jesus. I have begged him God. Please God help me. I am falling.
God you are good, and I am the one at fault.
I refuse to believe this is my end. I refuse to believe that your plans for me aren’t good. I refuse to believe that you will let me fall, and I refuse to believe anymore that you have given up on me. You have answered more prayers for me recently, seeing me through all of it. Please see me through this now.
God I am yours.
Correct my wrongs.
Forgive my sins.
God set me upon that solid rock.
Let me rest in your lap and in your arms like a child.
Shelter me from this heartache and pain.
If I am to learn from him, like you told me please God remove the trauma, and please Jesus don’t take your spirit from me. Grow me Jesus in your word.
I’d give up the world for you Jesus, you gave your life for me. You never promised me a bed of roses, but God I plead with you prepare me a Godly husband and get him ready and send him my way. I am weak, worn, I am traveling through this life alone. I feel like I am hopeless, but I remember you are my hope, my breathe and my life. I am aching and you catch every tear that falls.
God prepare him for me.
Faith, love, hope, the greatest of these is love.
Let him love me like you do Jesus. and God please let him hold me close to you and not let me fall.
I won’t do the things I have done with Danny, but in the meantime I’ll wait. I’ll trust and I’ll be faithful to you. I’ve waited years Jesus, I’d wait a lifetime on you, but my marriage God, it is breaking me. I am hurting so bad. Its aching my heart.
I feel like I have said enough God. I’ll cry myself to sleep to you on my pillow. Praying to you. Begging for mercy and grace. You are true, you are my one true love, but Jesus I need love down here too.
To whoever reads this. Know that God is love, he’s not the author of confusion. If it’s not in his word we simply can’t take it and we can’t break his word to fit our lifestyles no matter how hard it gets. If God tell you something or me something, we have to do it. He’s faithful and will fulfill everything down to the very details. Remember even the very hairs on our head are numbered and we all have purpose. God knows all of our thoughts, intentions, and motivations.
Maybe God is wanting to Grow us into something bigger, bolder and more courageous for him before the grandeur picture comes together. Remember his timing is perfect.
I go tomorrow evening for a new job interview for the summer, next week I’ll begin studying for next semester, and in the meantime, I’ll anchor closer and closer to Jesus. As for my marriage, it’s over. It’s been over for months, I know I am not the one to blame for it either, but I also know what I deserve and require in life, and in God’s eyes I’m valuable. In this life I will not settle for anything less than what Jesus has for me, and no matter how many times I fall I know he’ll pick me up and dust me off and set me on his lap and hold me close.
I’m tattered, but in my broken state he is made stronger, simply because I refuse to let him Go for anyone, not this time around.
My advice for anyone when battling this world is anchor in Jesus. No matter the pain, heartache, laughter, giggles, fights, name calling, or sickness, anchor close to Jesus, he’s the one person who will never let you down, and have a tight knit circle that will pray you through your darkest of days.
Take my hand. Let’s walk closer to Jesus together.
While we both have to walk it as individuals, it’s time for those who hear the calling of God in / on their lives to step up, not back down, and walk forward. Trusting him while you are afraid of the unknown. Remember the prophets of old, they done it knowing God had their back, but they had the mind state that even if things didn’t go as they had planned or hoped, they were walking with God anyways.
It’s not the number of breaths we take that matter, it’s the heart after Jesus that counts the most.
He is the creator of all, and it’s from him, by him, and for him that all things were created.
My Daddy died young. He was only 55 years old. He never met any of his grandchildren. He had two daughters who were on drugs when he died, he loved us regardless.
Like a parent who loves their child endlessly, no matter what we have done Jesus still loves us and he desires for us to be with him one day, but for now we all have a work to do for him.
I pray I have said something to help someone. I don’t have all the answers, but I know a man who does, and his name is Jesus.
Remember I love you,
Jesus loves you most.
❤ Christie
For His Glory 
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