I am tired.
I am physically tired.
Right now, at this very moment, my mind is collapsing due to my body feeling like its being taken through some sort of sickness.
This week I was originally scheduled to work three twelve-hour shifts in a row, but due to my youngest son being sick with hand foot and mouth virus, I only worked two.
Around mid-day today, I began to feel sick. I usually do not get sick. UGH. Where is this coming from?
I work in a hospital. I am around a lot of patients, and Eli tends to bring cooties home from school; common sense right, however I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO BE SICK!! On top of that I have some health problems trying to creep upon me, again I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO BE ANYTHING BUT HEALTHY. Apparently, my body thinks otherwise. My eyes are rolling this time at myself. We all get cruddy at times, I guess I don’t need to be a brat about it. Rant over, tomorrow I may take myself to a doctor.
Initially, I wasn’t thinking of writing tonight; but here came Jesus around 3ish pondering into my mind, about another blog. Ok, whatever. I’ve Got homework and I’m cruddy. Here came Jesus again. A Sister in Christ messaged me and mentioned me writing. Really? Confirmation.
What now? I’m very realistic when it comes to me writing. I’m not so formal. My dialect is more of an open conversation that is unfiltered, and very poorly edited. I’m real though. I speak what comes to me, and I let God have his way.
God is usually always the center of my Blogs. In all ways, I consider him to be the leader and author of my Blogs, and Me, I’m just a vessel. –
So, with that being said, let’s begin.
God, you know I have nothing to write tonight. I pray my Lord, whatever it is that you would have me to say, you bring it out. I’m not sure where you are taking this, or for whom it is for, but nevertheless, not my will but thy will be done. God, I am tired. I am weak in body. I feel sick, I feel under the weather. I feel mentally drained. My body feels like a cup that’s been turned upside down, while all the energy drains from it. I am restless in my spirit, and I am numb. Where is this numbness coming from? I feel everyone. I am happy, but where is the numbness coming from? Please take the numbness away. I have no reason to be numb, am I picking up on someone else or is it a defense mechanism? God, here I go just speaking to you. Help me, Lord. Just send help. Lift me up in your eyes God, to be who I am called to be, and keep me anchored in you. God, I pray thee, use me as a willing vessel for you, and make my heart to be pleasing in your eyes. I know my thoughts run crazy at times, well often. Jesus, I pray, speak stillness to my thoughts and keep me centered in you. Thank you, God, for all that you do, and for holding me as I wander these streets, trials, tribulations, and help me to know joy is coming in the morning. Every passing day God that I open my eyes, I pray your mercy, grace, truth, and voice shines through me to someone, even if that someone is myself. I need you now more than ever before, and I choose you now, not like before, but God, I forever choose you now. Make me clean God and make me to know what my full calling is in you, not only that, but I ask thee Jesus to position me to walk in it and open the doors that need to be opened. God, I pray for your hedge to return to me, and that the mighty works you began in me, you finish them. I pray People come to know you through me. In Ecclesiastes 12:13 you tell me the whole duty of man is to serve God. Jesus my whole duty in this life is to serve you. Everything I have is because of thee, and I pray God, let the rest of my days, be a reflection of thee (my praise, worship, job, family, friends, actions, reactions, my rising, falling, and rising again) God take my fleshly desires and turn them into spiritual desires fit for building your kingdom. Take over God and lead this blog, for I cannot do it on my own. It You in me and I in thee. Let your words be found upon my lips, and heart. God, I give it to thee. Take the lead. I surrender. Amen.
Yesterday, I had the honor of watching a video about a survivor. This survivor wasn’t just any survivor, her trauma mirrored mine. That video has stuck with me, and keeps replaying in my head, my thoughts, and it echos so deep within my soul. I cannot shake it. I tremble at the words, and similarities between this person and I. Over the years Jesus, has used this person on more than one occasion to direct me to him, and to keep me on his track. Like a little butterfly that flies by when I least expect it, I’ll get a reminder from him of her and a greater purpose I am yet to know. Yesterday, and today, Jesus has used this beloved Warrior to tell me, I am a wonderful mother who is beautiful, and I am a Child of God. Yesterday, when I least expected it, Jesus used her scars to crack me wide open, as he began to whisper and as he still whispers, “My Daughter, it’s time for you to heal. You have to heal, so you can lead people to me. You have to see yourself in your eyes, and then realize who you are in my eyes. I will lift you up out of this valley, but you have to put forth the effort. Yes, you are working on yourself, but you must realize that you can’t change your past, but with my help, everything in your future will work out; not only for your own, good, but MY GOOD. I have called you by my name, nothing in this life can take you from me. I have my hands on you, and YOU ARE MINE. I have called you to this season of waiting for a reason, it is preparation. You will learn of me here, and I will grow thee, you my daughter are a chosen vessel, called of a royal priest hood. It’s not of you, it is of me. You see, I have given you a mouth, and I will declare my boldness over you, and I will shine upon you, and others will see me in thee, and I in you, and you in me, and you planted in me. Others will come, you ask how, I say, I say I will send them. You need not to think or wonder, you only need to trust. For I am growing you, and you know it. I know it is tough, but you have to be willing to trust. Think not you lead yourself to write, for I am leading thee. You feel how fast your hands are hitting these keys for I am with thee, and I guide thee. I know, I know you are suffering but remember Joy cometh in the morning. Weep not, for your joy shall soon return. Some of the toughest growth times, bring forth the greatest harvest, and my child your harvest will soon come. — Ok WOW. I felt that leave me.
God give me more.
This is where I began to crack open.
Self-inventory. Trauma pour out. (Trigger Warning ahead)
Who have I been? What have I endured? Who am I?
I have to let this out, he is telling me to.
God, I cannot it’s a lot and I’m not sure I can’t fit it all in one blog. I’m afraid it will be too much, but I hear you whisper, others need to hear, and little by little I will heal thee. Do not deny me, only be obedient. The healing is coming to the nations, an awakening like this nation has yet saw. I see a vision of many bowing, before God surrendering their heart to Jesus, the beloved Son.
Ok, God. Help me release it.
I’m done. I can’t hold back.
My name is Christie.
I am a victim of Abuse. I don’t like placing that label on myself. Since I have been saved, I’ve built and empire around myself, and I have become invincible. The pain can’t touch me, I forgave my enemies, or did I?
At an early age, I began to watch my sister be raped. She was molested. I’ll never forget that night. I was laying in my bed asleep and for whatever reason, I just had to wake up. I have a hearing problem, there’s no reason why I should have woken up, but I did. As I laid there, my long brown hair was covering my face, as I stared through the strands, I saw him. I saw my stepdad sitting on the side of my sister’s bed, his right hand was on her chest and his left hand towards her. He kept a close eye on me, and I’d shut my eyes so tightly as he glanced my way. I remember his words, “Hold still, let me get it in.”
MY INNOCENSE WAS SHATTERED.
The next day, I told the school. I was immediately made out to be a compulsive liar. Numerous times this happened, and numerous times I was made out to be a liar. I’ll admit I caved and denied what I had said, in fear of being taken from my mother. It was then I began to question everything in my head and in my heart. It was after that particular night; I began to watch people. That night my eyes were opened to a world of wickedness, sickness, and a very broken home. No child should have to endure that. I’ll forever have trust issues with that. No medication can fix my trust issues. I do not think about it daily, I am stronger than that, but for whatever reason, tonight this band-aid had to be ripped off.
Growing up he only attempted to look at me once. I was a very verbal child. I was the one who turned him in, and even though I recanted my claim, I’m assuming to a degree he knew better, or maybe just maybe God protected me, as for touching he did it once in my sleep, there was no evidence or proof, and nothing could be done. I’m not ok with what happened, no one in their right mind could be, but I live to tell the story. After that night, he would make a few slurs here and there in a non-directional towards my boyfriends about me, but not directly at me. He knew better.
I’m bitter.
I watched my sister be transformed into an alcoholic, she was so broken, that even as she got older, she needed to be numb. I get it now. I understand. It’s all she could do to let him feel her up to get her fix. I’ll never forget the nights I’d watch her from the porch go to the end of the driveway just to step aside to building, where he was waiting in the dark. I’d sit there the whole time and watch her disappear and reappear. I’d sit on that porch thinking, what is wrong with her? Sometimes, I’d even wait on that porch and just look at her and him, as they walked by me like nothing ever happened. What the crap, are you ignorant? I was the bold one, the mean one. I’m glad Jesus kept me from that. Now that I am older, I get it, I understand and I have compassion on her, not only her but others alike. I realize sometimes trauma is so bad, the only way to get out of it, is to numb it out.
&. That’s what I did.
I became and addict at the age of 12. I was a big pharm addict. My mom believed she needed to do everything the doctors said including have me undergo several ear surgeries. Every time I would have surgery, I would be given. At some I realized what the pain meds were doing to me, at that point I began to demand to know how many pills I was given and how often I could take them. I loved them. I didn’t feel the mental pain I was in. I was flying. I was untouchable. I didn’t feel the hurt I never should have endured. By the time I was 18, I was a medically induced addict.
The trauma of my childhood followed me into adulthood.
I was a good girl who’s innocence was destroyed, leaving a broken path for others to walk, including myself.
My trauma from my childhood lead to:
PTSD, severe trust issues, broken relationships, me degrading myself as a young woman, drug addiction, body image issues (I live in a world where I am not the right size, I have to get about 20 more lbs. off me before I’ll be satisfied, and even then, I am sure I’ll find flaws). I’ve screwed up with all my kids in more ways than I can imagine. I pick at my flaws. I am in a constant battle within myself. I’ve always heard the hardest person to forgive is yourself, and that is true.
Due to my lack of love as a kid, it’s hard for me to accept it as an adult. In my eyes I am not worthy of such love and it’s almost impossible for me to show it. It was until recently, that I was even able to feel my own children and allow them to feel me. I’m now learning to not struggle showing love to others.
The hardest part is drowning out the voices in my head that tell me, I am not worthy, I’ll never make it, I am fat, I am ugly, I am unclean, I’ll never be good enough for God to forgive, I’ll never be happy, & now that I am ready to be loved in life, no one will ever love me because it is too late. I’ve done the damage to myself, and it’s what I deserve.
—This is where Jesus steps in–& that video echos in my ears so deeply—
It’s time for me to rise. It’s time for me to dust off my feet and see how far God has brought me, and how much farther he is taking me in this life.
I am not the sum of my mistakes, I am not the sum of trauma, and I am not defined by it. My past is my testimony, my present my healing period, and my future is in God’s hands.
I do not have to live in my trauma, I am to learn from it. I’ve learned that it is ok not to trust people. I’ve learned that it is ok to stay guarded, but it is not ok to push people out who I know love me so deeply that they’d do anything within their power to help me.
I’m breaking open and bleeding out more each day.
The shell of who I used to be is being picked back up and glued back together by the Potter’s hands, love, mind, heart and soul. I was just given the image of a broken vessel. I saw a flowerpot shattered, one of those reddish looking clay ceramic pots, and then I saw it glued together with a white glue. That white glue is symbolic for the Potter’s light.
Like a voice thundering from the heavens, I was given a message that said, ” You are beautiful, and you are a child of God.”
Those are the words that will define me.
I am a wonderful mother (for I have a declared it, oh it echo’s as it roars, he’s shaking me, showing me who I am in him; for I have big plans for you says the Lord)..
I am a Child of God.
I shall not be shaken out of God’s hands, and I will do all that he’s called me to do.
But, how God?
Not by yourself, but by me and by me alone. —(that is literally what just came to me)…
I don’t know who this blog is for. I’m not really sure why it was written. I don’t even know all that was written, a confession of many of my blogs, I go back and read them just to see what was written and said, nevertheless I know it was for someone, possibly many.
Trauma is real.
Pain is real.
Life deals people some of the most awful cards at times.
Bad things happen to good people. The only logical explanation I can think of is that our experiences and how we overcame them; will change the world someday.
Remember your redeemer draweth nigh.
Through Christ Jesus, and Christ alone, I’m finding my healing.
I’ll never walk in the dark again, rest assure, if I ever look back, it’s to see if you are following me. — Take my hand— You can’t stay there.
Remember Faith, Love, and hope.
The greatest of these is love.
For love covers a multitude of sin. That true love of God, teaches us how love when we can’t love, forgive when we can’t forgive, and it enables us to reach out to those in need when we can’t even reach out for ourselves. That love, that covers everything is Jesus.
Until God leads me again; I am praying for you always.
❤ Christie.
For His Glory 
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