For His Glory

It’s 8:41p.m and I cannot breathe.

All day today, I have had the urgency in my spirit to write, so once again I’ll offer myself up to the Lord and allow him to have his way.

Anxiety is real.

Pain is real.

Trauma is real.

Abuse is real.

But… So is healing.

My life over the past several weeks has been a train wreck.

Back in the Summer of this past year I was running 100 miles per hour with Jesus. I was singing in church, testifying to people, walking and talking the Christian life. I was able to withstand almost every obstacle that came my way; one may classify it as being on top of the mountain.

As the seasons began to slowly turn from Summer to Fall, I started to become undone. Misery loves company, and even the most well put together people have issues that they dare not share with the world.

My issues were many, and I hid them well. While on the mountain top, I hid it all, while secretly battling them alone. I would smile to people’s faces while crying and praying in secret.

What is love without pain? A fairytale, and we all know those are fiction.

What is life without pain? The perfect picture life does not exist; yet most secretly display this image, to prevent others from looking down or frowning upon them. Most people bottle up their pain and hide it away in a box. Hi, I’m most people for the most part.

Yes, a lot of my blogs deal with deep issues, but I confess one of my most hidden battles, one that almost cost me my life, I have kept hidden from the radar until now.

I have a confession.

I fell of that mountain.

I made it to the top, it was suicide.

I saw a clear view of what a head of me was, and what was behind me; like Pharoah chasing the Egyptians, my past kept creeping up on me, but not just any past, the yesterday’s past. Every day that went by as I neared the top of that mountain was just as painful as it was joyful. I was breaking as I was climbing. I was collapsing as I was holding on to the branches pulling myself upward along that mountain side; literally dragging myself. I fought to get to the top of the mountain. I was on the peak, the pain kept following me. I begged God to make it stop, to take it away, to make a way. I became so blinded and scared because I could not see God moving, and all I could see was yesterday hunting me and haunting me. I became immobilized, and captured by secret isolation, depression, grief, trauma, a failed marriage, and my own unstable emotions, I decided NO MORE. I’ve always walked by faith and not sight. My faith became so blinded, I decided to go by sight instead. I took matters into my own hands, and said, “God, no more! You are not moving, I have to, I can’t bear this.”

I leaped.

Spiritual Suicide, I died.

Or did I?

God knows everything. He knew I was going to get to that point. He knew I was going to get to the top and jump, but even as I type this, I see his hand reaching down to me, as if he himself caught me before I hit the very bottom.

I’ve always heard there is no forgiveness for suicide, but that about Spiritual Suicide? Why did he catch me? Why didn’t he just let me fall? Why does he still see me as precious? Why won’t God let me go? How can he love me after I turned my back on him? Because he is God, he is good, and his mercy and grace is endless.

Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning great is your faithfulness.

In my heart, I feel as though I do not deserve any kind of love in this life, much less the Love that Jesus has to offer, but guess what, Jesus is still here with me, and he’s still there with you. There is no measuring or stopping the love Jesus has for anyone, we can choose to turn it away, but even then, he loves us still. He loved Judas as he was betraying him with the kiss that revealed his identity to crowd that captured and killed him.

Allow me to go into some details of my pain, trauma, and the train wreck.

For over 3 years, I have prayed for my marriage. I begged God to move; yeah, sure sometimes I’d see movement and other’s I’d see nothing. I begged God to save my husband. I begged my husband to go to church with me. I begged my husband to forgive me of my wrongs I had done to him. I kept my mouth shut most of the time, (I’m honest here too, you can only back me into a corner so far before I fight back, so I’ll admit I’ve lost my cool. Are you human or a robotic?) I feel in my heart I pleaded with Jesus to just move on my home, but yet I felt as though I got nothing when it comes to my husband. I ended up with the devil using my husband as Pharoah, to chase me up that mountain as I climbed as far as I could. I tried showing him the light, but it’s like the light was slowly diminishing out of me. I kind of feel like I failed God in a way, because I wasn’t able to stand and because I fell short of making sure he was saved. Maybe this is guilt, I’m not sure, but I feel like I’m still defending myself to myself saying I tried. We were supposed to file for divorce about three weeks ago, but still nothing has happened. I’ve stopped pressing it, and now I am back to isolating in my bedroom (note we have separate rooms). I work, do homework, force air into my lungs, and I repeat. Am I still dying?

After leaping off the mountain peak, I went on vacation for almost three weeks. I indulged on Dollywood, ziplining, fine food, and virgin daquiris. I didn’t withhold any good or pleasant thing from myself. If it felt good, I done it. I allowed myself to love the world and all the pleasures of the world again. I became fleshly alive as I was spiritually dying. It felt good. I started smoking and vaping. I began to curse. I became the very image of the girl I once was.

Looking back, the moment I opened myself up to become the girl I once was, is when the train wreck happened. The new me ran straight backwards, and the old me ran straight forward. The two collided, and I began to portray qualities from both images. I remember God’s word at this instance, telling me I cannot serve God and Mammon (the devil). You’ll cling to one of them more and the one you cling to the most is the very image that you will eventually become.

Matthew 6:24 No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.

More details: The world felt good, but emotionally at the end of most nights, I was left begging God to spare me and bring me out of the hell I was in. I begged God many times to just forgive and take me home. I got really dark and could not see any light. There was times God would have friends reach out to me to be like “Do not do anything.” (PLEASE NOTE I AM NOT SUICIDAL. I WILL NEVER BE, however I now realize how easy it is for pain to take people out, and I would have never gotten that understanding unless it had happened to me.)

Now, back to the present.

My rollercoaster fun filled vacation experience is now over. I’m back to the real world. I started working again. In the midst of all the chaos, a door was opened for me to go to work as a CNA/PCT. I ended up getting a position that would work with my college schedule. There was Jesus. In the midst of the chaos, he was still directing me. I have taken my TEAS exam and passed it. I take my pre-nursing conference next week, and I will be applying for the RN program shortly after.

God is still here

I’m not dead.

I’m still breathing.

And he’s still molding me.

Those of you that know me, know I am always trying to figure out what people’s real motives are and what tomorrow is going to bring. He literally just whispered, “Sufficient for today is enough. & not to worry about tomorrow.” It’s not live in the moment, it’s a state of living in him, and trusting in him at all times, even when we cannot see. –God, I’ve been there, done that and remember I failed at this. Hence, my leap.

It’s like his restless love just doesn’t stop, and he’s always showing up, and showing out. My new job is awesome. I love drawing blood (I’m only a little morbid), but patient care is my thing. I’m excited for my future, but I’m also scared of tomorrow. What else am I going to have to go through to get to where I need to be in life? How many more times am I going to rise and fall before the last promise comes?

In all of this, I still see God’s promises coming to fulfillment in the near future, and somehow, it’s like he’s allowing me to learn from my fall, while almost instantly placing me back on his feet, and opening up new doors for growth. I’ve known nursing was his plan for me for about two years, and when I finally decided to pursue it, he’s most certainly opening up every door for it. Another question, God, how on earth is me becoming a nurse going to play into me teaching, preaching, and witnessing your word? If you’d just show me the big picture, maybe it would be easier to walk it. Back to faith, I know he has me. The big picture is all of this is about Jesus, and for Jesus, I just have to be willing to allow him to work on me, while I hold his hand and he will work out the rest.

It’s still God’s last promise that keeps me holding on through all this. Faith, love, and hope.

1 Corinthians 13:3-8; 11-13 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.  When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.  And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

It’s coming to me that in order to love like Jesus, I have to go through hardships like Jesus. He reminds me that weeping endures for a moment but joy cometh in the morning and the sufferings of this present time cannot be compared to glory that is coming.

Psalm 30:5 For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Romans 8:18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us

From past and present experiences, I am realizing he really does and is using everything for his good. There’s nothing he won’t use for his glory. All my pain, trauma, abandonment, resentment, all the mountains, tears, beautiful and horrific moments, God is and will use for his glory.

To the Girl I ran into when the train wrecked — Go back to hell.

To the Woman I am- I am proud of you, you are doing an amazing job, even though you don’t realize it, and you are worthy, Jesus says you are worthy because his love is what makes you worthy. His love is a free gift Its time for you to believe it too. Allow Jesus to use this time in your life to break down, build up, take away and add characteristics to you and your walk with him that needs or doesn’t need to be there. He’s got your back! When the world turns it on you, he holds you (I literally just saw this flash before me ❤ )

To the Woman I am becoming- You’re going to be a force to be reckoned with when it comes to God’s Kingdom, you’re going to lead many to Jesus because of the testimony he will have given you by the time you reach that point. You will be bold, and unstoppable, you will be favorable, and he will become well known on a personal level through you. —

To the World who is watching my rising and falling: pay attention because the same great, marvelous, sometimes messy stuff that has happened and is happening to me, happens to all, maybe not the exact same situations, but it happens and in all this he is still Lord. Just like he’s never left me, and I left him, he’s never left you. He understands the pain sometimes causes us to turn our back on him. The fact that he still loves us is the best part, he’s always waiting for us to spiritually come back home.

There’s a new awakening that’s about to take place. It’s the third greatest awakening that has yet come.

God, I pray as I / You bring this to a close, open their hearts, and eyes and hearts to you. Grow them father, take their bad and turn it for your good, pursue them Jesus, use your shepherd hook and rescue them from the pits as they fall, and the ones you are calling wrap them in your arms. God mend them, I know you love them, Lord I pray they love you in return. If my walk to you, from you and back to you helps lead just one soul to you, then at the end of my age, I’ve served my purpose. Not my will, but thy will be done.

Luke 15:10 Just so, I tell you, there is joy before the angels of God over one sinner who REPENTS.

He’s waiting for you!

I love you!

I pray I’ve said something to help you.

You’re not too far from God to be saved, and you aren’t too weak to be used by him. David was of little stature, but yet Jesus used him mightily. Samsung, defeated many, fell in love with Dilalah, was used as spectator’s sport, and yet God used him at his end. Joseph was sold into slavery, and God used him to feed his family during a famine.

There’s currently a famine taking place in our land for the real children of God to show Christ to dying nation. Are we among the hungry or among the serving, if so be that you were once among the hungry and are now fed, it’s time for you to start feeding the lost sheep that precious name of Jesus!!!

&.. Just like that it left.

I really do love you..

I’m fighting for you, and I’ll never stop!

Love Always,

Christie R.