For His Glory

I’m suffocating.

There said it. Have you waited so long to hear it? You know it already somehow.

There are ups, downs, great days, bad days, some days I just keep my mind together.

All I can do is cling to Jesus to keep myself together at times.

At times I feel like Christ is so far away, I can’t feel him, and I wonder if I even want to feel him.

The waiting is the hardest part.

I have to be at work at 8am, and I get up at 6am.

Tonight, I listen to music, to try and drown out my mind, and stop the noise of Eli’s autism fit. I’m just suffocating, I believe I bring most of this on myself. I refuse to move from this spot because I’m waiting on God. There has to be a lesson or something. Maybe I should just stop complaining and exhale.

Sometimes in the waiting, I just want to give up, but I remember, Jesus has brought me too far to give up or give in.

I’ve spent 7 years praying and watching for signs, –I’ve wasted so much of the Lord’s time, I wonder how he could even still use me.

Do you feel Jesus with me? When I type, and talk directly to you, do you feel him?

Enjoy this play list.–

This last song got me, I plan to download it to iTunes and listen on repeat.

Hold on just a little longer. — I know its going to be ok. (even though right now, I’m struggling to hold on) I’ve held on to these promises for so long, and I’m at the end of my rope. I feel like it has a noose around my neck and its suffocating me. I’m holding on as tight as I can. The only reason I can’t let go is because of Jesus, and the only reason I can’t let go of Jesus is because he died for me, the promises remind to keep going. I’ll be honest, at times I question letting go of him, — but I refuse.

I’m just broken.

❤ Christie