For His Glory

Where do I begin with this one?

I feel like my mind has wandered around writing for several days. It was yesterday (7/10/23) I was given the title; after pondering around with each piece of detail, I felt as though I was ready to write late last night, however I chose to put it off until morning.

Here Goes!

For Starters, I’m now eleven days post-op.

My surgery and recovery road has been an event to say the least.

Like a rollercoaster ride I’ve had my ups and downs.

One minute I’m pain-free, and the next minute I’m in severe pain, like I’ve never experienced before. There’s been a few days, I’ve been so stubborn and refused to take my pain meds more than once a day, in case I needed them the next day. I’d go to sleep with pain worse than the initial wake up from the procedure. There’s been some mornings I’ve barely been hurting and taken my medication as a precaution just in case the pain did try to arise and there’s been them in between moments where if I could just keep my mind focused and stay busy that I’d not think nor feel the pain I was in, only to set down and get overwhelmed by what I already knew was there.

I’ve been out of work since 6/28/23. As of now I plan to go back on this Thursday, or next week’s Monday.

Welcome to my whirlwind.

With the amount of pain, I was in, I suspected something was up and decided to call the doctor. On Friday, I was advised to come to their ER (3hours away). The trip was too much, I asked if I could just come for an office visit on Monday, 7/10/23, with the approval I pushed through the weekend the best I could. A circle of chaos formed inside my mind, with so many what could be happening’s going through my head, and what am I feeling inside my ear, misery sought company. Everything was coming in and nothing was going out. I held it in. I kept it to myself. I bottled it up.

Where is Jesus? I promised, I’d follow him through this. I promised, I’d get closer. Wait a minute, I stopped following him the day I left the hospital, and it seems like I’m being dragged with pain, along with the rest of life’s distress. Jesus, I promise I’m here, I’m just clinging to your garment as you walk by, strolling along, and I feel like I’m entangled into you, and I refuse to give up or give in. I’ve always heard if I could just touch the hem of your garment, I’d be made whole, never did I imagine you’d let down the hem of your garment so far, for me to wrap myself in it during life’s toughest battle. Thank you!!

Let’s touch a little on the last week. —

On top of the pain, this has been my story.

Are you ready to go deeper with me?

My mind touched every scenario with my ear. – you know this, even the part where what if there is a blood clot, and he cleans it, it pops open, and I bleed out in front of my mom and Eli. —I told you, it’s been chaotic. The ups and downs of a rollercoaster followed by the turbulence of an airplane during a storm.

I’ve been at my sister’s house since night of my surgery. She’s taken care of me, and well I’ve just not felt like going home, I’ll be doing that tomorrow or Thursday. I kind of just don’t feel like going back there, but I will because I’m not a coward, and Jesus has taught me to war with him instead of in my flesh.

I’m depressed, but I’m not forsaken. I feel like there are things I’d like to vent about but cannot find the words to say or maybe its not the place. I hear time, time, time in my mind, so maybe its not the time.

I’m dealing with a lot.

I get to share my story of overcoming addiction on 7/17/23. I’ve not even began to type that up yet.

My marriage. I’m fighting for it. —These are the details I feel like I must leave out. He’s not crappy. He’s a former me. I feel in my heart, I must leave it at that. I’m not out to down-grade anyone. But I do feel like I must fight, and I feel as though I must properly use the word of God as my sword in this battle. I feel like now is the time I press into God’s spirit, and allow the Holy Ghost to take over, lead, guide, and even correct me when I am wrong. It is the anointing that destroys the yoke and sets the captives free. I can’t lead my lost husband to salvation, if I’m being led by my flesh, and allowing my emotions to override what Jesus is telling me to do. I’m learning its ok for me to feel the emotions, but I must fully exercise self-control over my emotions, especially when they’ll hinder the work of the Lord. It’s not becoming a brick wall, its less of me (my flesh, my former ways) and more of him, and his holy ways. Jesus tells me be ye holy for I am holy. Jesus doesn’t expect me to be perfect, but he does expect me to be teachable by him (Jesus). I have to be willing to take his word and apply it to myself in general. As for my husband, God will lead him in, I just have to be patient. Again, he literally just reminded me “Vengeance is mine saith the Lord, I will repay,” and “be ye angry, and sin not”. He’s telling me he’ll fight for me, to feel what I am feeling but don’t act up it, to only be still. –Ugh, how do you be still when… deep breath, Jesus. do your thing.

School is still giving me the run around about my paperwork on my SAP appeal, knowing I met every stipulation. I checked again today, and they informed me that mine would roll over, that they just hadn’t gotten around to the next semesters paperwork. Class starts in less about a month, this whole patience thing is hard, when you feel like you need to get every dot connected.

I bought a dog, “Maggie”. A German Shepherd/shredder/shedder. She will become mine and Eli’s service dog, ears for me and autism aid for Eli. — Bed buddy to the both of us. She’s going to be furiously cute.

I just need rest, but with the gazillion things to do, while mentally my mind is always processing something, whether its bills that has to be paid, appointments, or just wondering what underground pictures of lost ruins look like, it’s always processing something. I’m a rare form. Unless I’m sleeping, I’m pinging in something. Life just has me at that point.

Now, don’t get me wrong. My life is pretty awesome.

I have Jesus. I have family, I have Eli, and my pain is slowly beginning to talk to me again.

It’s just them days.

Now, let me tell you about my Jesus.

Yesterday, my mom, me and Eli made the 3-hour trip back to Lexington to have my ear looked at. While on the way, I broke down and told my sister and mom everything that my mind was going around, and just let it out. They know me well enough to know I wasn’t being my normal chatty, loving, blabber mouth self, I was just ugh. You feel me. After, getting all the dreadful what ifs off my chest, and saying I’m sorry for being a brat, I felt a relief come in.

Jesus began to use my big sister Belinda to comfort me with the story of the three Hebrew boys, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. He used her to remind me to not be shaken. He used her to remind me how the faith of these three Hebrew boys was tested, and how their dignity with the Lord was put to the test, even if it cost them their very lives. These boys were courageous, bold, and they were warriors for the Lord, when placed on the spot, as to whether they would bow or not, they replied, that they weren’t careful to answer, that God was able but, even if didn’t they still wouldn’t bow. Talk about a moment. Can you imagine being thrown in a furnace because you refuse to worship anything but the Lord? Think about this as a trial, the fear was there, it had to be there for the Hebrew boys, but still they chose courage and they chose to trust in the Lord and allow him to have his way despite what was in front of them, even if it cost them their life! Can you imagine having to take such a stand. With a whole crowd watching you, can you imagine the intensity of the moment, the fear, the hot headedness of the king? Can you imagine how furious Nebuchadnezzar II, must have been? It’s like a slap to the face, and off into the furnace they went. The furnace was so hot it killed the soldiers that opened the door to place them inside, and once they were placed inside that heat, — Jesus was there. Jesus used the very event that was supposed to kill and destroy the three Hebrew boys, and he got the glory.

This has been my life in a nutshell in the past weeks. I chose to go into the surgery with Jesus, I didn’t like the circumstance, but I went in anyways. I didn’t allow myself to bow, and it’s like the furnace in front of me got even hotter. Thank Goodness for sisters, who are mature in the Lord, and bold enough to tell me, stand, keep standing, for this is what Jesus has told me concerning you, God has you!! — My sister; a God sent. Jesus used her to remind me, it’s just the refining pot. I’m not going to be burned, and there’s another in the fire with me, its him, and he is with me. He was with me at that very moment in time, and as I write this, I know he’s with me now, and he’ll be with me tomorrow.

Any who, when in Lexington, we all like to stop at Sam’s club. I’m not sure if you are familiar with it, but it’s like Walmart, but you have to have a membership to get into the store, and you can buy in bulk, with exceptionally well prices, the only thing is, you don’t have bags, and there is a person at the doors that scans your receipts and looks for certain items in your cart and sometimes counts the amount of merchandise to see that it matches the amount your receipt says. I do my thing in the store, joking and cutting up with Eli, breathing because I know Jesus has me and I know I’m going to be ok. I check out, grab me and Eli a fountain Soda, and head towards the door.

The young lady at the door, looked retro modern rock, / punk. Sporting a Kiss shirt, with shaved sideburns, true to herself, beautiful in every way. —

The name on her badge:

Lily

I take a second look at her badge– it’s no coincidence, that’s when Jesus showed up again. —

I left the store thanking, and praising Jesus.

I may be down, but I am not forgotten. Jesus is ever comforting in my situation.

I went to the doctor directly after leaving Sam’s.

Long story short, my ear is healing. It looks good on the inside, there are no signs of infection. The doctor removed the steri-stips. With no warning, he just yanked them off, my reaction was priceless. Mom said she wished she could have gotten it on camera. He told me if he had warned me, I probably wouldn’t let him do it. All my stitches are almost dissolved. The numbness at the top of my ear, may or may not go away over time. I have this squishy feeling / sound on the inside of my ear. It sounds like a bunch of liquid moving around. I figured my doctor would remove any packing that was inside my ear to see what was behind it, however I found out, everything would dissolve on its own, and to keep my fingers out of it. So, no scratching my itchy ear! I was prescribed antibiotic drops and advised to finish all antibiotics my family doctor placed me on over the weekend. I was given more pain meds, but for whatever reason I am still hurting. I’m just in pain. Today, it’s not severe, but yesterday and the days prior I was hurting bad. God is in this story and he’s making me whole again, and I think it’s in more ways than one.

As I bring this blog to a close today, I want you to know, God is also in your story, you may not see him, feel him, or even know how to reach him again. You may feel like it’s been so long since you have talked to him personally about yourself, or you may even feel like what is the use, it won’t change the circumstances, and you may just be in this blah state of mind, however you are, it’s ok. It’s perfectly ok to feel how you are feeling, again let me point out, feel it, but please don’t allow it to separate you from Jesus, he only wants to heal you.

Getting close to Jesus is going to make you stronger, and letting him back in, will make that darkness turn to light.

I can see myself twirling in a field, with butterflies flying, birds chirping and me holding my dress, and I smile from ear to ear. I see light, I feel light. I’m reminded God is near, and he’s going to see me through this. — He is going to see you through you also. Hold on victory is coming.

I see a hand reached out, its not mine, its his, will you take it?

I love you, Jesus loves you most!

email me: christie7373@halfwayhomeministries.com

❤ Christie