A day I had not looked forward to for so long. You hate me, but I love you.
Today was your birthday, but not just any birthday, my precious pain, you turned 16! I’m so thankful to be your mother. You’re simply amazing, and I think you’re so handsome. That blonde hair, (shew, I pay big bucks to fry mine that color), but you, you’re a natural. I know you’re going big places in this life, and it’s not the places the road you’re on says you’re destined for. I know because I have hope, and faith in your future. I know because I refuse to give up, and I know because I refuse to stop praying.
You see, you can walk away, but you’ll never stop me from loving you. Until my heart stops beating, I’ll love you, and even afterwards I know the very prayers I requested, and the ones I prayed myself, will continue on. I know because I am a child of God, and a praying mother is a force to be reckoned with.
Sometimes I like to think, I’d go back and change it all, but we can’t live in that world, we have to live in the now. We are past then; we are in the now. Then hurts us, now hurts us, but the future is here, and we are to embrace the now, so our future is fruitful.
I feel like I’m catching myself holding onto the pain of losing. The pain is all I’m used to, if I let go of the pain, does that mean I let go of you? NO, that means I heal. I’ll never let go, but the memories of the anguish, the memories of the turmoil, the reliving of the ripping of the scabs, it’s time for all that to stop.
Today was very hard day for me, but as for you my precious pain, I can imagine you had a blessed day. But for me, I cried, I relived the pain, the reason why, and my feelings in the present. I relived the pain of your letter, and I relived the pain of losing you. BUT one of these days, you’ll know, and you’ll see: Son I’m right where you left me! I’ll be waiting patiently for you. I won’t be pushy, I’ll wait, and when the time comes like father waiting for the prodigal to return, so will I meet you afar off and wrap my arms around you and walk with you hand in hand.
I know you’re a young man, you have to live and learn, and I respect every ounce of that. While you’re busy living and learning, I’ll be busy fighting for you in spiritual warfare. — That’s my job. –To pray you through.
No one really understands broken until they experience the pain of losing children, or having children walk away. This pain I’ve been writing about over my pride and pain, its gut wrenching, and at times it mentally drains me. Years ago, the depth of my pride and pain almost cost me my life, this time around the depth of my pride and pain is taking me closer to Jesus. No, I don’t think I am where I am supposed to be with Jesus, but I know I am his and I’m sheltered by his arms. Truth is everyone could probably use a closer walk with Jesus, I’ll raise my hand. This has been one of my darkest seasons yet, and it’s getting even more challenging. Everything is in circles, obstacles, I’m smothering.
-1. My pride and pain walked away.
2. My pain wrote me off (days before Mother’s Day)
3. Eli got his eye cut in the center of his vision, swelled bloodshot looking eye for a few days, with several trips to the optometrist.
4. The school sent me a bad email about my financial aid, (one God quickly fixed)
5. I’m now sick, my throat hurts, my head is stuffy, and I have no voice. The upper respiratory panel showed negative for all, and my strep test was negative. Maybe its allergies, maybe it’s some other virus not detected by the panel, I have no idea, all I know is I feel like poop — just saying.
6. My surgery got moved up two weeks, so now it’s at the end of June
7. Please Lord don’t let there be a 7th
I just got to breath. I could mention a 7th, but on the 7th, Jesus rested, and I’m just going to rest and know he’s still good no matter what may seem, or how troubled my present seems, because Jesus is God and he is always righteous, there is no flaw in him, and no matter what this life brings Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. He’s God and he’s it for me.
I spent today with my family driving back from Ohio. Jesus knew I didn’t want to be alone today, not only did he walk with me in the darkness, but he made sure I was surrounded by the ones who love me dearly and who call me theirs. I recall telling my husband, that I’m no longer alone in my darkness, I have people who are with me. I know Jesus is there, but having my family makes me whole again. To know they won’t walk away, I’m just so undeserving, but I’m thankful. They didn’t birth me, but let me add that because of Jesus using them, they are birthing a love in me that’s out of this world. I’m alive. I’m alive, I’m alive, and I’m learning to love. That perfect love of the Lord, I feel it and I feel in my family. I can only pray I’m half the wife, mother, sister, friend that my family is to me. As I walk through life’s valleys, I’m surrounded by angels, and I think some of my angels have feet. –The Justice Family, you are them. Thank you.
I could rattle and rant, but I’m just broken, but he’s making me whole.
Romans 8:18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us
Jesus, keep making me into who are calling me to be, make me pure, and make me holy, help me to love all those you have placed in my life without hesitation, and to forgive all those who have ever wronged me or hurt me. God it’s not my desire to throw pain back on the ones who rendered me pain, but rather Lord let them surrender to you, because really, they just don’t know what they’re doing. God, you say vengeance is yours and not mine, father I plead for salvation for lost souls, and for your vengeance to come on the enemy himself. I pray you separate these that are held captive in my genetic blood line and wash them in your royal blood line (all of them, not just my children, but all my biological family). I pray Lord shake them, let them surrender, in your perfect timing. If this tilling, plowing, rain, and pruning, is what brings fruit, then so be it to me as you see fitting Jesus. Strengthen me in you Lord. Give me a hunger and thirst for you like I’ve never had before, Lord, make me whole again in your eyes. Also, father, everyone that’s suffering unknown prayers, or things they don’t tell anyone about touch them too. Send deliverance to their lives. They need you! Amen
I pray I’ve said something to help you all, and even if I haven’t thanks for reading my ramble.
I love you, and Jesus loves you most!
Place him first and watch him move. He’s a jealous God and doesn’t want to be second. He’s all or none! Let him be your all, you’re worthy in his eyes, he loves you so much, you became worthy at his death, nothing you can ever do will make him love you less, and you’re perfect the way you are. Don’t wait for change to come before you come to God, go to him as you are, that’s when he does his best work, in the realness, and rawness!
God Loves you!
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