The day was Thursday, May 11th, 2023, I had just gotten off work, and got into my car to drive to church. Prior to leaving the parking lot, I noticed my snapchat went off, the message was from Syrus. Tangling with multitasking, while navigating my way to the four lane, I shuffled, to check it.
Like a wrecking ball, hitting me full force, the wind was knocked out of me. My heart began to race, and tears begin to fall.
“I don’t want to hear from you or the rest of your family I love you to death but don’t text me and most importantly don’t expect me to come to your house or church anymore. You showed me your true colors when I asked for MY PHONE CORD, So like your daughter I’m done with you, and so is Judy”
“I love you”
“If you want to screenshot it go for it I can careless You’re not in my life so it don’t matter, I’m done BYE!!!!”
“I’ll be where you left me, I felt you needed space so I gave it.”
&..Just like that my pride and pain are gone again.
With my heart racing frantically, I drove to church anyways. I talked to Jesus begging him just please don’t take Eli from me. God I am strong, but not that strong. In that very broken moment, I decided I wasn’t going to be defeated, the devil himself is a defeated foe, and I belong to Jesus! What the enemy meant for evil, Jesus is going to turn it around for good!
While venting to my church sister, I told her I felt like Jacob. I am now even more protective of Eli. I just don’t want anything to happen to him. I don’t want to see him hurt, and I want to take away all of his pain. He’s all I have left, that’s came out of my body. He’s all that’s left of whom I bore in my womb. I just feel empty, broken, and I’m collapsing.
I felt a dagger go in me that day, it went in full force, it was twisted into my guts, and ripped out!
You know what’s funny, nothing, nothing at all is funny, but me being the fierce woman of God that I am, I noticed something in the message Syrus sent to me, the words “I love you”. God gets the glory in this! I may have gotten the breath knocked out of me, but I refuse to lose. I refuse to stop praying, I refuse to accept this is the end! I refuse to back down!
I will Rise, I will Rise, I will Rise.
I say I’m coming out of this Valley; I am coming out stronger than ever before, but right now, I just got to let go and let God!
My prayer is “God rid me of every characteristic, quality, and hinderance that’s not of you. Clean me God and heal me. I don’t want to be numb anymore. Losing them usually makes me go numb, but how can I heal, if I’m busy masking the pain? How can I let you bear the burden if I give it to you, and in return pick up the pieces and carry them back with me. Jesus, I don’t want to be who I used to be, I refuse to die in this valley, I choose to grow in this valley, I choose to let my roots in you become stronger, and I choose you. Despite my pain and suffering you are still Good and You are still my God”
The day after the incident, I went to work. I felt his comfort and peace around me, and today, I still feel him. This has awakening something in me that’s never been awake before, I can’t explain it, but there is a drive within me, that believes harder, prays more, and just wants Jesus. Jesus over everything. I speak Jesus. I stand for Jesus, I proclaim Jesus, and I’ll fight for my kids through and by Jesus. I’m not fighting for custody; I’m fighting for souls. I’m fighting for their salvation, and I’m fighting for everyone they’ll someday witness to themselves.
Are you wondering, what makes me so sure they’ll be saved? Because God’s word promises me my household, and my Jesus he isn’t a man that he can lie. He’s faithful and he loves me, he’ll see me through it.
In the meantime, I’m collapsing. I know I’ve said again and again, but I just blah. I feel like I’m melting into my Saviors arms, no life in me, Jesus himself is the only life that’s with in me, the emotions of losing your children are real. I feel it. My pride and pain, I’m speechless.
On the upside, my semester is over with! Victory Dance! I praise a big hallelujah to my Jesus again! I passed with a 4.0! Straight A’s– My God is faithful. Over the next three months, I’m going to rest. School starts back in August, and I have to tackle micro medical, (UM, Jesus is it too early to raise my hand for more help? LOL). I also have an update on my surgery, it’s in July, but it’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be, instead of a six-hour surgery, it’s going to be about two hours, and the mass isn’t behind my ear drum, it’s in front of it. Bonus, there has been no growth, so it appears that it’s just a huge cyst in my inner ear canal, instead of a cholesteatoma. I really believe Jesus has his hands on my ear too.
I may be going into the fire right now, it’s obvious it seems as though its blazing all around me, (the only break I’ve really caught is school), but rest assure, I’m coming out not even smelling like smoke. If this is what it takes to grow my relationship with Jesus, then so be it.
How does one know he’s an ever-comforting God, unless they fully surrender and allow him to comfort. It’s one thing to say, and beg for comfort, but another thing to say, catch me Jesus, I’m going down. I’m yours!
How do we know him as healer, unless we trust he’s got the bigger plan and he’s able to heal. God not my will but your will. If I die, I’m yours, if I live, I’m yours still!
This life isn’t about walking on our own two feet, it’s about walking in the paths that Jesus leads us, no matter how dark or dim the situations or circumstances around us seem. It rains on the just and unjust. Life happens to all, and no matter what we face we have to keep going.
One of these days, it will all be worth it, when I’m dancing with Jesus on the other side of Jordan. My dad will be there, and you know what, I won’t be crying anymore. — One day, but until then, I’m going to keep on keeping on, preaching and witnessing God’s word, even in this broken state, you know why? Because Just Jesus… He’s worth it!
I love you all!
I pray you heal from all of your wounds you aren’t telling anyone about!
Remember Jesus loves you Most!
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