I Cry, Spero

I cry.

In the silence of my mind, I cry. Silent screams the world doesn’t hear, I cry.

God please make it stop. Please make it better. I know you’re there, and I need a breakthrough.

I get silence. More silence. More bitterness. My faith is tested.

I feel like a single strand of twine being stretched farther and farther and farther, when will I reach my breaking point? Soon? Later? or NEVER?

My faith is stronger than this turmoil.

My oldest son is out of control. I mean really out of control. Everything from sex, drugs, rock and roll, and getting in my face.

Jaylah hasn’t spoken to me in almost a year.

Eli is my rising sun, and sunset. He’s so sweet, but rotten also. –I know he loves me. To him I’m the greatest mommy in the world, and to the others I’m just existing in their worlds. Is this a part of life? Do I need more kids to help me stay in that moment of never-ending love, or is it just Eli’s personality? I’d rather it be his personality than a part of life.

I’ve always heard our kids pay us back for all the things we done when we were kids; if that’s the case then heaven help me because I was one hell of a child. I was horrible, lonely, absent, present, and a Renta kid. I was a prisoner in that home, but also an adventurer. I was awful, but awesome at the same time.

I get the world both my pride and pain are living in, I’ve lived it from the inside out, everything from the parental abandonment, and chaos. I see their lives from the window of my younger soul. From this window its void, dark, and empty, but from the outside looking in I see my world walking around as I stand still wishing and waiting for it all to come back together. Two different perspectives, two different angles, three separate lives all living in a parallel universe.

For the past few days my prayer has been Jesus make me stronger, but don’t let me fall. If I have to go through this, make me stronger, but don’t let me fall. Lord help me. I need you. I need you to bring meaning to this journey, and light to light my way. I need you to help because I cannot help myself. I don’t want to read your word. I am not blaming you, I am just in a void, but yet all I crave is your comfort, and freedom. I feel like I’m coming undone is so many ways. — But yet, I stand, and I wait. Jesus you’re still good when nothing around me feels good. It’s not your fault, its merely a reflection of bad choices, chance, and circumstance and those things happen to all. — Just hold me Lord and carry me through. I pray Jesus, turn my oldest son into a reflection of you. I refuse to give up, and I refuse to back down. If you can transform Paul in the bible, then you can transform anyone. — Let it be according to your great will. Nothing is impossible for those who believe. And well Jesus, all I have left to do is believe. It’s who I am. There’s nothing for me to look back to. You before me, the world behind me, even in this world of pain. I plan to become more numb. — Why? Because the pain is mentally killing me. I hate to isolate even more, but I will and guess what I can. Its scary when I isolate, I can be right in front of you, and literally not be present. Few I say few have the ability to keep me open to them. –My watchful eyes, ears, and heart makes it rare for me to trust anyone. But I do, there is a few, and well you get the picture. — I’m watching. I’m broken.

I dream of a day when I am made whole. But that day isn’t today. Today I cry.

I was scrolling through Facebook and saw this after having an episode with Syrus:

For I will fight those who fight you, and I will save your children.
Isaiah 49:25

I’m losing the old me in all this. I’m not who I was three months ago. I’m stronger, and more confident, I’m broken, but I’m not on eggshells. I’m fierce and a force to be reckoned with. I’m Me, I am a child of God and I know who fights for me. I’m not afraid of you or your darkness, on the contrary I am fighting for you in the silence of your darkness. —

Faith, Love and Hope. The Greatest is love!

I love, but I’m broken. I’m learning to love when it’s impossible to love (myself, and others included). I’m learning to love unconditionally when I’m broken and cannot love. I’m learning to love like Jesus, and say I care when the world tries to destroy me.

I will bless the name of Jesus even in this darkness, and when the light rises, I’ll continue to bless him. He’s got more for me. The sun will shine, his promises are true. —

❤ I love you all

❤ Jesus loves you most


❤ Christie

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