Do You Hear Me?

I’m in a blank. I’m in a daze. Somedays I can’t focus, and other days I’m feel like I’m wired. God help me I feel like I’m coming undone. Then I hear him whisper “My daughter, I’ve got you in my hands, its ok to breathe.”

I have survived Midterms and have about 7 weeks left of this semester. I’m at that labored breathing stage. ❤

I want to vent.

I want to be loud.

I want to scream!

But I can’t I’m bound to silence.

But do you hear me?

I went to Cato’s today. I bought me a yellow shirt, with ladybugs all over it. ❤

There was a name etched on the stall of the bathroom today, it made me think of owls.

I no longer question God; I just breathe and whisper “Thank you.!”

I made it to my ENT specialist. He decided to do more testing, a follow up on May 1st, and then a decision will be made. I had asked Jesus’ prior, and during the appointment to lead all decisions, so I’m comfortable with the outcome. My doctor is very cautious about jumping into any surgery, and he doesn’t want to add more problem to cause. –To me it was like giving God more time to work his miracle. Again, I’m ok with that. Inhale, exhale. I’m just breathing.

Syrus, my Syrus. I’m smothering out with it, him, and the overall situations. To be completely out of control over a situation and see your soon to be 16-year-old son out of control. What does one say. I pray and pray, and I lean upon the breastbone of Christ to keep me afloat. Syrus is the exact crowd I hope to reach someday. Syrus is the type of individual I want to see freed. Syrus is the type of individual I want to see make a 100% turn around not because he’s my flesh and blood but because everyone thinks he’s headed nowhere fast. Don’t get me wrong I think that too, but I know there is hope for someone like my baby. And I know that very same hope, promises me my household. Syrus is my household. — I caught Syrus was smoking weed tonight. My Mom handled him, my sisters and me lectured him, and I’m left speechless as to how? I see me in him, I see the old me in him, I see the pain, the wondering, the anxiety, and I see the need in him. Faith, love and HOPE. I have Faith, God is going to do it, I have love in him so big that I will never give up, and I have HOPE that someday, Jesus will transform him. So, as much as I want to turn him away, I’m reminded that Jesus don’t never turn me away, and I may be the only bible he is reading. Kudo’s he’s lost his electronics, and FYI, when we take trips, he’ll be searched. It pesters me because he does such dumb stuff, but I remember as I look in that mirror, I done it too. I’m coming undone. Jesus catch me as I fall.

Don’t lecture me on getting him back, he’s about a month from being 16 by the time I fought it, he’d be over age. He stays with me constantly; I just don’t have any legal say over him. I already live without Jaylah. Have you ever experienced being cut with a knife that’s glowing hot. A knife so hot it severs the feelings and cauterizes the arteries to prevent bleeding out as it cuts. Jaylah is that knife. I’m numb. It’s a different type of numbness. One that went into place to keep me from dying. It hurts so bad; I don’t feel it. I’m not good like that, this level of numb takes years to get to. I was that numb with Syrus, but Jesus showed me its ok, to love, hold, mold, and nurture him. Now I’ve went bat crap crazy trying to figure out how to raise a wild child. — I’m not complaining. It’s more of an informative. Roll my Eyes.

But where is Jesus? I’ll tell you where he is.

He’s in this storm.

He’s in this struggle.

He’s in my madness.

He’s there when I want to bounce states to nowhere. He’s there.

Jesus is always with me.

One day, all this will be worth the wait.

In the meantime, I’ll praise him. I’ll love him. I’ll try my hardest to remember him first. I’ll do my homework and remind myself he’s called me to do it. I’ll forgive often and ask him to help me love the unlovable, including myself. GRRR. I grouchy. ❤ Insert smiley.

Rant over.

Psalm 121 1-2 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, From whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD, Which made heaven and earth

1 Peter 5:10 But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you

Remember I love you,

&. Jesus loves you most!

If you need me email me

❤ Christie

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