I really didn’t have a topic. A voice kept telling me “Don’t write, don’t write.”
What do I do? I offer myself to Jesus. I ask him to anoint me, lead me, and open me up to hear what the spirit would have to say. My Lord, guide my hands up on the keys, bringing out the message you would have me to deliver. And Jesus, if it’s not you, take it away.
You have to let God in. I’m not playing. He’s near to you.
I struggle constantly with this. I’m like Jacob, I wrestle with Jesus. I wrestle with knowing does he really love me? Will he really forgive me, oops did I sin again? Is he turning me away for good this time? Have I gone too far to be forgiven. I do the same old routine. I go to bed. I pray Jesus forgive me, a few other words (to me what feels like blah blah blah) I’m being real with you. I struggle to feel Jesus. I struggle to accept his love for me is more than I can fathom or imagine. I struggle to accept his love for me is worth every tear, all the suffering, and the searching. I struggle to accept that he loves me, and he wants me to accept myself. I struggle with my walk with Jesus. But one thing remains I will not curse him. — I will tell you he is good. I will tell you he loves you beyond reason, and I will push to get you to believe he is good. Although I struggle to straighten out this crown on my head (until I have to lay it at his feet) I am a daughter of a King, so yeah, I wear one. Maybe I’m arrogant, but I glory in Jesus. I glory in knowing he loves you. I glory in knowing he wants you. I glory in knowing and proclaiming he’s righteous. I glory in that name above all names JESUS, JESUS, JESUS, yes, JESUS! I glory in the King. Nothing that we have suffered can be compared to what awaits us if we grab hold and continue to hold on to Jesus.
I’m not saying don’t grieve or mourn. I’m not saying don’t question why the circumstances had to happen the way they did. I’m not saying don’t curse me under your breath, because you probably are. I’m not saying don’t roll your eyes, because you probably did, and you’re probably thinking I’m bible thumping, when I’m not. But what I am saying is let Jesus back in! Maybe I’m screaming it. I just want to kick the door down, and open it myself, but I can’t. I can’t mend your heart; I can’t heal your wounds. But I can tell you of a man who can.
I live like I’m broken. Sometimes I’m in a constant broken state. I’m ran ragged. Its midterms in my second semester of college, my mind is crazy. I’m accepting life as it comes to me. Some stuff I’ll never put on here, there’s a time and place for it. My sisters, mom and Sarah are my keepers. They know everything. I talk to them about all the hard stuff.
I was thinking tonight. I don’t feel you Jesus. I even told my sister I didn’t feel Jesus, and just as I opened up my bible to read a chapter at bedtime, a voice softly spoke, “Turn to Job”, I listened. I opened up to the 1st chapter, verse 20—chapter 3– last verse. As I was reading, I saw were Job lost everything he had, and he still worshipped God. His wife tried to get him to curse God, but Job refused. He maintained his integrity and never once cursed the creator. Then it started clicking. …….
Job questioned God. He questioned WHY. He questioned why things had to happen why they did. He cursed the day he was born. He wished he was never born. Life got painful. He wanted to die. He wanted to give up. He didn’t want to go on. He didn’t feel like he had a reason to go on. Life was physically, mentally, and emotionally painful. But guess what else, I believe it got spiritually painful too. He still believed, but he was hurting with why, and how come he had to lose it all. But he never once said God was bad. He maintained that God was good, even though he never understood why he had to go through what he went through. He kept his integrity in Jesus.
How often do you feel like that. Are you really Job or are you losing your integrity for the Christ because the pain of the circumstances. I know that was harsh. But you see we have a great God who knows and who knew all this would happen. He knew we would struggle to hold on when the storms, pains, tragedy, trials, buffers, and tribulations came. He knew we would need him to remind us how much he loved us daily. He knew we would be on the verge of saying lights out. He knew some of us would walk away completely, but he knew some of us would reach up and grab his hand has we take our last breath. He knew we would gasp for air, as we exhale life, and inhale newness. He knew we would shed tears, shed light and walk back into the darkness just to lead others out. He knew we would need him. Thats why he died for us. — He knew, and he knows. Guess what. He’s not done yet…You just got to let him back in. Even if you hate me for what words are spoken, don’t hold it against Jesus, he loves you, and I’m well. roaring!
Job 1:20-22 Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, And said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.
Job 2 1-10 Again there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan came also among them to present himself before the Lord. And the Lord said unto Satan, From whence comest thou? And Satan answered the Lord, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it. And the Lord said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? and still he holdeth fast his integrity, although thou movedst me against him, to destroy him without cause. And Satan answered the Lord, and said, Skin for skin, yea, all that a man hath will he give for his life. But put forth thine hand now, and touch his bone and his flesh, and he will curse thee to thy face. And the Lord said unto Satan, Behold, he is in thine hand; but save his life. So went Satan forth from the presence of the Lord, and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown. And he took him a potsherd to scrape himself withal; and he sat down among the ashes. Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die. But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips.
FYI–I feel like JOB. I have lost Syrus and Jaylah, my pride and pain. I made the grandma mad again today because I took up for myself and Syrus, its hard telling when I’ll see Syrus again. I wonder why I keep having to relive the pain of losing them. Jaylah hasn’t spoken to me in almost a year. My heart breaks. I won’t speak of my marriage, it’s not bad, but Jesus don’t want me speaking of it, so I keep it off the radar. He’s good to me, but it is what it is. My health seems like a whirl wind. I go for an MRI this Friday and follow up with an ENT specialist on Monday. I’ll be having 2 circulation test next week; I am following back up with vascular at the end of the month. I struggle with my weight. One minute I’m dieting the next minute I’m eating a half of pizza and pound of lo mien. Chinese anyone? Sometimes I pray for my drive with Jesus to grow, other times I pray to get by. Right now, I’m praying, just to stay afloat, and get through the next few weeks. I anticipate the ENT doctor will want to do surgery. Did I ever tell you I hate medicine, and doctors? Can you imagine the anxiety? Will I go in for a simple ear procedure and not make it off the table? I still trust Jesus, and he’s still good? My integrity still remains! — I won’t curse God!
I hope you got something out of this, as I feel it come, I feel it leave.
I love you ❤ I’m mean ❤
I’M ROARING FOR JESUS ❤
Jesus loves you most ❤
Email me. I’ll read them.
I pray you find Jesus in the midst of this darkness.
I’m still praying, shed the shame, and be held by him!
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