I should be dead.
But I am not.
I live to tell you, my testimony. I live to tell you about Jesus.
From the beginning of my teenage years until the 6 years ago, I was an addict. I say was in past tense because I am no longer bound, nor will I ever be again. I have been set free.
Don’t question, only know the saying “Once an addict, always an addict” does not apply when you come in contact with the one who died to set humanity free from any and all chains of bondage.
Generally, the term addiction means not having control over doing, taking or using something to the point where it could be harmful to you. While there are various forms of addiction such as shopping, sugar, gambling, sex, alcohol and drugs, my muse was drugs.
Growing up I had issues with my ears. I had to have several mastoid surgeries to repair a hole in my ear drum; it was then I was introduced to a world that would cost me almost everything, including my life. I remember it like it was yesterday, I was in pain, severe pain. My ear had just been cut open and stapled back together. One little pill, a cure all. Oh, the itchy, and scratchies. My body was in a haze, and nothing could touch me. All my ear pain was gone, plus a bonus, my troubles and sorrows seemed to fade with it. — I was around 12 years old. A clinical introduction to such a world at a very young age.
The Big Pharm people know exactly what they’re doing. –Statical encouragement. You need it, you have to have it, the memory remains.
Years passed, and life hit. I went from being an occasional drug user to a habitual drug user, to a flat-out drug addict, and then a junkie. The time span was age 16-25. Years of pain, and unacceptance left me wanting everything except reality. I wanted to live, but not my life. I wanted to feel but not the mental hogwash that was pressed on me. I wanted out, but I wanted to remain in. I wanted loved but felt unloved. I wanted hope but was hopeless. I wanted inclusion but was left with seclusion. I wanted freedom but fell to bondage. I wanted death but was given life.
The OxyContin train hit east KY when I was in my middle 20’s and entering wondering years of my addiction. I went out on a date with someone I had been sweet on for some time, and the offer came. (You see, I was a good girl also, and had reputation up until that point of only taking the typical Lortab, or Lorcets; even though I’d take them in mass numbers, I still stuck to the weaker pills) I was sitting in that truck and was given a Lortab of my own as he pulled out an oxy and proceeded to shave it up. I became curious about the oxy and since I had never touch them, I asked what could little bump or line hurt? “Are you sure, he asked,” Absolutely! — Game changer! I was hooked instantly. — Fresh out of a marriage, I was hurting mentally, but that one little bump, my oh my, I was untouchable. But you see that one little bump became, a slightly larger bump, and then a whole half a pill, and then a whole pill, in a matter of weeks. I just wanted more and more, and the first little bit, no longer hit me like it did in the beginning. I needed it, I craved it. Little did I know I was going to get to point where I’d do anything to get it, including sell myself.
Welcome to my world, where reality without drugs was hell, the reality of getting drugs put me through hell, and the reality of being on drugs was leading me to hell. This life lasted until I was 29.
Around the age of 29 I met my now husband. It was right after New Year’s Eve, and I was withdrawing. I was on the search again. I had no idea what I had found, and neither did he. Three days after meeting him, he dropped the words ” I love you”, and of course I was already dropping my pants.
I’m only being real. I don’t pretend to be fake. My blogs are not for the faint of heart, nor are they for the sensitive.
When I first met my husband, my daddy was dying. When I say I was hell on wheels, I was the image of the devil himself dancing with a man who was fearless, and full of love. I was rage, chaos, beauty, and sin. I was evil in every way, and I was broken. My lover was courageous, handsome, loyal, trusting, and pure. He loved me like no one ever had, and I loved what I could get, and I only wanted more. —
I wish what I went through on no one, mentally, physically, or emotionally. To have the one parent you have on a pedestal be nearing their death, in front of your eyes. My world became dark. I was dark. I didn’t care. Why did I need to care? I had already lost two children in an ugly divorce, and I could never get them back, and now my best friend. Life was unfair to me, and I was even more unfair to myself. I hated everything about me, and all I had left to love I was losing.
But there was Jesus.
My attitude began to shift and change, I got mean, hateful, and my body was beginning to do weird stuff. What was wrong with me? It couldn’t be withdrawal; Daddy was getting an endless supply from hospice and would often drop pills and I’d go crazy like a little dog and pick up every pill I could find. In no way was I dope sick. I was something, but not dope sick. According to Dr. Google, something else was brewing.
The day came, and mother nature was supposed to show up. –8A.M-Maybe not as early as I thought, 12P.M-I’ll wait until mid-day. No not yet. I knew if she didn’t show up by a certain time, my hateful tail was running to the store.
Family Dollar, I need you. Speedway, I have to pee.
There was Jesus.
I could no longer die; I had life growing within me.
I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks before my Daddy died. I didn’t deserve to live, much less to be pregnant. After all the hell I had caused, the two kids I had lost, the agony I had put my dying dad through, and torment I was causing to my future husband, I was pregnant. I had a reason to live.
Daddy passed when I was 5 weeks pregnant; there’s more, the very last day I last saw my dad alive, I saw the babies I had lost for the first time in over a year. God gave me a sign of life when death was in my presence. I’ll never forget it. I’m forever grateful.
I ended up getting in a suboxone program while I was pregnant, I married the following July, in September I gave birth to Eli, and in November Syrus and Jaylah met their baby brother. Jesus was there, but I didn’t know him.
The thing about pregnancy and grief was sometimes, they just don’t mix. In my case, I wouldn’t let them. I turned a page, only later to find myself, with a newborn, and without a dad.
Life hit once more, and I begin to search for answers again. I wanted Daddy. I needed Daddy to answer all these questions he was my go-to. But Daddy wasn’t there. I remember turning to a friend of mine. I remember asking her questions and she would tell me what Jesus wanted from me. I always believed Jesus was real, but this was different, and she was different. All I could do was cry. –She told me one day “Christie, you have to get yourself together”, I told her “You don’t’ understand, I feel God with you” — Just like that, I encountered God. But how? She wasn’t God, the difference was he was Jesus was Lord over her life. He went before her, after her, in front of her, behind her, and he was all around her. Jesus was/ is her God, and he lived/lives within her. She and her family allowed me to feel God by their obedience to God. — And he was Good.
While battling, postpartum, and wading the waters of a failing marriage, I’d turn to her with questions, and she’d tell me what Jesus gave her to tell me. I didn’t want to read it, but I needed it. God was drawing me in. My flesh was resistant, but my spirit wanted it. The fresh water, the taste of life, the love, the humility, the acceptance from a stranger and understanding of all pain.
Two days after I had spent New Year’s Eve with another man, partying away, my husband was furious, and had to go somewhere (I’m blessed it wasn’t divorce court), I remember him picking up the books Eli had tossed everywhere, he picked up the bible. I told him “I was going to read that bible, but I’ll read daddy’s bible instead” Please know I didn’t even think to read the bible, but Jesus had already gotten ahold of me, and taken over. I remember turning to the concordance/index found in the back of the bible. I looked up everything on salvation, and repentance. I read all the verses, and asked Jesus to save and forgive me, & just like that I was born again. I felt it. I felt the old life go out and the new life come in. The next day, I made my last trip to a suboxone doctor, under the newness of life Jesus led me to throw suboxone down cold turkey. I only hurt for about a week, when the pain came my friend and her husband would pray for me, the pain would go out down my legs and out my feet. —That’s the power of Jesus.
People say, you don’t know if you’re saved, or you don’t know if you’re going until you get there, I’m here to tell you, you know it, and you feel it. You feel the rebirth, you feel the old leave, and the new come in, you feel Jesus, and you feel the new heart began to pump. It’s a know so salvation! And it’s attainable by inviting Jesus into your heart and accepting him into your heart when he is knocking.
John 6:44–No man can come to me, except the Father which hath sent me draw him: and I will raise him up at the last day–
Has life always been easy? No, at one point I even told Jesus, I’m done, and was going to be the old “Christie”, I decided to smoke pot and buddy I thought I had gotten away with it; until he called me out and asked me “Where would you go if I came right now?” — He continued to talk with me and told me of a time when I could have died; it was when my Daddy was dying, and I was barely 100lbs. He reminded me of a time I had taken over 30 dilaudid 2’s in a day, for three days straight. Now follow me on this, the first day I had 30 dilaudid 2mg pills in my system that’s 60 mgs of dilaudid, the second day, that plus another 30 pills in my system, totaling 120mgs of dilaudid, (I should have died this day), the third day came, and I added another 30 dilaudid 2mgs to my system. I had around 180mgs of dilaudid in my system, not to mention all the benzos and marijuana. I was a walking corpse. I remember those nights too. I’d go to sleep and pray “Jesus please don’t let me die. Please don’t’ let me die.” It was dark, while I never saw flames, I saw glowing red in the distance. — During his conviction and whipping I remember his hand on my head as he led me through prayer. I remember him telling me he kept me alive for his will and for his purpose.
I’m reminded the purpose is for him, and for his glory.
You see it doesn’t matter what you are addicted to, or what walk of life you have come from. What matters is where you are going when you take your last breath. What matters is do you know Jesus and have you accepted him into your heart.
He says “. Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.”
The door Jesus is knocking on is your heart, and the heart he wants in is yours. The problem is, people want Jesus, and they want the world. Let him in and watch him transform your world.
Today, I celebrate life because he knocked, and I answered.
Today, I tell you, he’s a chain breaker, and a way maker, and he’s coming back soon!
Today, I’m live to tell you my testimony of how Jesus saved and sobered me up!
And today I tell you he can and will do the same for you; you just have to let him in!
Nowadays, I’m a Jesus freak. I love him and he loves me. I have a family who loves me, and who I love. He’s broken all the walls around my heart, and I’m learning to live again, one day, one chain link at a time. I’m pressing forward, and I want nothing more than for you to ask, ” How can I get to know your Jesus?” — He’s not just my Jesus, he’s everyone’s Jesus, his blood was shed for all.
Remember: I love you and Jesus loves you most!
❤ Addiction, meet Jesus! ❤
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