The Letter

Isaiah 40:31 – But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Psalms 37:4 Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

Tonight, was hard.

For so long I have been waiting for the commandment from the Lord to write Jaylah a letter. The commandment came just one day shy of her birthday.

My nerves were rattling within me, my heart raced, the tears flowed. Jesus please give me your words to say to her, on my knees I met him with repentance and with reassurance he led the letter.

You see, I do not want to do anything outside the will of Jesus. I do not want to get a head of him or get too far away from him when trailing behind him. I want to walk right next to him, in his shadows. I choose to rest in his pavilion. I choose to anchor myself, and my heart in his hands. I choose Jesus over my own fear, my own anxiety, my own ways, my own actions, my own decisions. I want my life to mirror that of his image. I want to be made in the very image that Jesus himself created for me before he ever formed me in my mother’s womb. I want my heart to love like him, even if it means swallowing my pride, admitting my wrongs and pushing through the hardest days of my life. I want Jesus over everything.

Mark 8:36 For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?

You’re going to have setbacks in this life. You’re going to have ups, downs, twist, turns, and some things are going to come by complete surprise, but the one thing that you do not need to let hit you by surprise is the day of the Lord, which draweth nigh. –Always, I urge you too always be ready for that you’ll meet the Lord.

My whole goal, and purpose in this life is to serve Jesus and to be ready for him to take me home. For a man or woman to die in sin is a death sentence. — An everlasting death sentence of hell! Jesus doesn’t want any of us to die in sin. He loves us so much he came and died for us.

Obedience is better than sacrifice. If Jesus is telling you to do something, don’t be scared, just take a step, he will meet you there. —

I am praying!

Remember Hell is a place of torment, you do not want to go there, but you will if you don’t repent, and ask Jesus into your heart. His arms are open.

Tomorrow is Jaylah’s birthday, it will be hard, but I will tackle it with Jesus. I will pray Jesus sends me the Holy Ghost to be my comfort, and my guide. I will pray, and I will trust. — I done my part, I listened, I wrote the letter. I know my Jesus will do the rest.

I love you ❤

Jesus loves you most ❤

Christie ❤

My Dearest Jaylah,

Words cannot begin to express just how sorry I am for pushing you away. Words alone can never take back the pain that I feel I have caused you. Words alone cannot say exactly how sorry I have been for pushing you away from me and making you hate me. I’m so sorry. I have thought about you almost every day. I regret the words I said to you, and I regret how selfish I was towards you. They say time heals all wounds, that’s a lie. Time has not healed this wound. Time has only made my heart rip open and pour to the ground. Time has stood still since April. Time has been stuck in replay for me. Time has been non-stop me reliving the pain I caused you. Time has been stuck in a time capsule, of endless tears, emotions, thoughts, and praying. I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. I’ve begged Jesus to mend our relationship. I’ve cried out when I can’t cry out. I’ve grown sick with emotions at times and had to suck it up and carry on with my days. I feel like I’m in an ocean on a raft, the waves often leave me motion sick. I feel absent, and alone. I feel lost and undone. I feel miserable and none of it is your fault. Please don’t think I am saying or would ever say it is. What I am feeling is the consequence of my own actions. The way I treated you that night, and not only then but really the past year or so have been selfish. I have tried to buy your love. I have tried to show you I love you by purchasing you whatever I thought would make you love me. I done wrong. And I never knew how to show you love outwardly, but I promise you, inwardly I have always loved you. I have loved you since I knew I was pregnant, whether a boy or a girl, I knew I loved you. From the moment your Daddy and I sat down on the porch outside to pick out your name(s) I knew I loved you, and I know that I will always love you. There will never be anything or anyone that will ever replace my baby J. Even if I some how ended up with 10 more little girls, none would ever replace my JJ Girl. You are irreplaceable to me. You’ll forever be irreplaceable to me. Please don’t think I’m writing this letter to try to weasel my way back in. I have thought many times to write you but could never find it within my heart to bother you. I do not want to bother you; I do not want to push you farther away. I completely respect your life and your privacy. I will not hound you; I will not press you, and I will not try to get you to acknowledge me. I only wanted to say I am sorry, and I do love you. Your birthday is tomorrow. Oh, how I dread that day. Somehow, I have to force myself to get up and go to work, I have to make myself do my makeup, and put on the best fake smile my patients have ever saw. I have to fake it until I make it home tomorrow evening. It hurts because I have hurt you. For what its worth, I want you to know, that I am wishing you a very Happy 14th Birthday! You Deserve the best baby girl, and you deserve the world. PS. I’m thankful that you finally got to go live in Tennessee like you wanted. To hear that you are happy is well enough for me. To know that you have peace within your heart and to know you have place where you finally feel like you belong brings me joy. I know you are loved, and that’s all that matters. Just please know you are loved by me, and your rotten little brother Eli loves you too. He asks about you. He is on Roblox if you still play, his username is different from week to week because he can’t stop signing out of Roblox and making me make a new account. Boys will be boys, and Eli is well Eli.  —- I’m always here if you decide to talk, and I am on snap chat too my username is gimme_jesus73  If you don’t ever want to talk that’s ok to, I understand. Just know, I’m always, always thinking about you, and you’re always, always loved. – Love Mommy, Christie.

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