The Blur

The past three weeks have been a blur.

The pain has caused the days to turn to haze and my nights to tears. I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed. I know God is still there and he’s still good and I know this pain will leave.

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away. Revelations 21:4

I know someday everything I’ve been praying for will comes to past, it will turn to fruit. I will reap tears of joy, instead of the silent tears of heartache that’s been slicing my heart open.

You wonder what’s been bothering me?


While praying for my husband, my home has turned into a hell zone. While filtering my own mouth, with the hand of the Lord holding it shut, the devil has used him to wreak havoc into my soul. Two-three days ago, I was given a dream, where I saw him verbally downing me in the dream, I remember telling him the bible says, “Touch not my anointed and do my prophets no harm,” and that I was God’s anointed, and then I remember being told in the dream, that he’s around the corner. While meditating upon the dream, I began to think about a race, and how once you turn that corner you can see the finish line, and at the finish line, Jesus is standing there to hold him, love him and give him new life. I know it’s coming soon, but even greater I know he, Jesus himself is coming soon.

My pride and my pain are about to take me under. I’m suffocating. While I now have a relationship with the grandmother, the scab of my pride and pain is still being ripped off daily. This time of the year is the hardest. Syrus is out of Rivendell, the Psych place he was in, and he’s doing ok, only well avoiding me, go figure right. Jaylah hasn’t spoken to me since April. I want to reach out to her, but instead I reach out to Jesus, and I beg God to mend the relationship, while patiently waiting in the background for her to come around. I’ve been there done that. I done the same to my own mother as a child. I have learned from my own mother’s patience with me, to wait, wait upon the Lord, as he mends the broken road, and he’ll send her soon. I see Jaylah in dreams. I see her. I see her. Jaylah is now living in Tennessee with her aunt. All things are out of my control, and all I can do is pray. I want her home, I shout, I shout, I shout! Jesus please this is not fair! Bring my babies back! I have been patient, I’m not trying to be like the man who puffed up and said, I do this, this and this, and that person is a sinner. Jesus, I label myself right with the sinner, I know I’m far from perfect, but do I still deserve this pain? Eli is something else, thank Jesus for him, but still his voice about his siblings, is heart breaking. I have no words to say, except son we’ll pray. When I fight, I’ll fight on my knees.

 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.  Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you. Matthew 5:9-12

Jesus has used Owley so much to comfort me it’s unreal. I’m thankful for my Owl child. She maybe a kitten, but I’m telling you, the amount of pain she has masked within in her is kept within doors no one understands but Jesus himself.

I’ve watched the dates; I’ve watched them all from the 23rd to the 29th. I have been praying daily. I’ve felt more emotions than the normal human, and I pray, and I pray, and I plead the blood over people. When I cannot pray for myself, I pray for others. I’ve been praying, and I won’t stop praying. I see stuff everywhere, every day. I watch for it, sometimes it finds me, others I find it. It helps me to breath, I know Jesus is the giver of my breath, but sometimes, that tiny butterfly, ladybug, or owl helps me to catch my breath, when the billows of this life are taking me under. Jesus knows, I see him in them all, and I am reminded that his promises stand true and strong.

I know he’s bringing my husband in, I know he’s bringing my kids back, I know he’s bringing every promise to past one by one by one. He’s faithful ad he’s going to finish what he started.

Yesterday, a sister had word for me from the Lord.

You see while in this blur, I’ve questioned everything. I’ve questioned my placement, I’ve questioned my belonging in our Youth Group, I’ve questioned Jesus where do you want me? Am I even meant to be where I am? I’ve came undone. It’s been one crazy trip in this valley, but I can see myself inching closer to my precious flower, that Lilly of the Valley, Jesus himself.

The sister told, me God said “I was planted where he wanted me at, that I was to guide those youth and to teach those youth that they didn’t want to travel the road I went on.”

And…. she continued to tell me, “He says you’re right where you left him at.”

I thought about it, where did I leave Jesus, I pray and pray and pray and I know he’s near, I pray and pray and pray some more, so how did I leave him.

Then it hit me as tears rushed down my face,

“Jesus, I never left you; you left me here in all this pain”

So, as I bring this blog to a close, because I felt it leave, and I know when Jesus is done with it, I want to add one thing.

Where did you leave him at? Was it in your pain? You’re not alone! Brother / Sister I am right there with you! Take my hand, let’s get closer to Jesus, because time is running out. We have no promise of tomorrow, but we do have a promise of a just God whose judgement is true and faithful, and if we die in our sins, without the precious blood of Jesus covering us, we will go to hell, me included. Jesus will not go against his word for anyone, and he won’t cut corners just because he’s stayed by your side the whole time. You see he can be by our sides but outside of our hearts. I promise you he didn’t spare the angels, and he won’t spare us!

I said therefore unto you, that ye shall die in your sins: for if ye believe not that I am he, ye shall die in your sins. John 8:24

For if God spared not the angels that sinned, but cast them down to hell, and delivered them into chains of darkness, to be reserved unto judgment. 2 Peter 2:4

My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous: 1 John 2:1

Repent ye therefore, and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord. Acts 3:19

Turn, O backsliding children, saith the LORD; for I am married unto you: and I will take you one of a city, and two of a family, and I will bring you to Zion Jeremiah 3:14

I love all of you, and each of you!

But remember Jesus loves you the most!

He said he’d never leave us nor forsake us. That tells me it’s us that leaves him, or simply cannot feel him because of things like Pain.

If you need me I am here!

❤ Christie

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