Tic Toc, Tic Toc

Sometimes the toughest pills to swallow in life are those that we never expect to have to swallow. Whether death, life, misfortunate circumstance, or “Mom, if I live through the night, I’ll be lucky, I’ll love you.”

5:30 AM alarm clock, Messenger check, 2 voice messages from Syrus later, me texting him back, texting and forwarding all messages to my speed dial prayer warriors.

God is in your midst!

This was my morning about 2 weeks ago. The oldest of my pride and pain, decided he was going to take his life.

I wake up to voice messages left on my messenger, I go into frenzy mode, messaging him demanding to know he’s ok. Knowing, I didn’t know the whole situation and I had to remain his calm backup in his world of chaos. I maintained my cool, and hoped to hear something along the lines, of mom, I smoked too much weed, or I was a little bit too buzzed off 3 beers or so.

I know this sounds strange coming from a child of God, but I was simply hoping to hear, “Mom, I just over done it and I was in panic.”

I keep my calm on, and begin to reach out to people, and get ready for work. Bills have to be paid, and my pride and pain live in different places than I do. It’s no big kept secret if you go back and read my blogs.

A few minutes after I get to work, I received a message back from a praying sister, a warrior of mine, praying in the spirit. I knew God was moving, I could feel God’s presence as this woman prayed in utterance on behalf of my Syrus.

A few minutes later, I get a message from my boy telling me, “I’m a live but barely.”

Thank you, Jesus, for letting me hear his sweet voice, and keeping his heart beating.

Fast forward a few days, I talk to him and find out due to a broken heart he decided he needed to get buzzed bad, and just wanted to leave this place, so he drank 2 bottles of Zyrtec, 1 1/2 bottles of Robitussin, and he huffed Gas.

Fast forward a few more days, I get the call, telling me “Hey, Judy is putting me in Rivendale, and we’re leaving in a few minutes,” I tell him I love him and to keep me updated, along with the typical mom stuff, telling him, you can’t be doing that type of stuff, and you have your whole future ahead of you.”

Later that night, I called my ex-husband and asked what really happened. I found out it was so bad he cried himself to sleep, while watching religiously over Syrus the night of the incident, and the whole ordeal was obviously, not counterfeited or exhaggerated , like I had hoped. He really did take all the meds, and he really did try to do away with himself.

And there wasn’t a thing I was able to do…

I was informed, Syrus was prayed with, God touched my heart and let me see the good in what I felt was bad. God showed me in that gentleness, and stillness,” I held it together for you.”

Fast forward a week later. I was in Wal-mart of all places, and I had this feeling I was going to see their grandmother.

So many times, I’ve thought, I’ll go right by her, and not say a word. I’m hurt, it doesn’t’ feel good. I don’t want to see this person, no one understands the pain. It’s been 6 months God, please bring them back and bring justice to this situation.

Then there was justice, it stood in front of me, with its back turned. I could do it. Walk on, flesh walk on. Be a snot, render evil for evil, go with your emotions, and not your spirit, be a back biter, that’s what the world wants and craves… Go flesh Go… Deep breath, swallow, deep breath, within 10 seconds I drown, my flesh dies!

My spirit speaks, “Hey, how are you?”

My heart stares into the eyes of the woman who breaks it endlessly, sometimes with or without reason that I even understand.

“How are you guys doing?”

“Did, you hear about Syrus?”

“I know bits and pieces of what he told me.”

“Has he called you? I put your name and telephone number down on the paperwork”

My heart sank, as I felt the Lord part my pharaoh filled waters, I walked on dry land, and he showed me he’s been stilling this storm for some time now.

Long story short, Syrus is ok. He’s getting the treatment he needs. I get to see my pride and my pain again, and God is still in control.

I don’t know what you’re praying for, but I can tell you victory is waiting ahead if you just hold on. How long do you have to hold on? I can’t answer that, I can tell you, you are on the verge of victory, no I don’t speak prosperity, I speak peace over your mind, heart and soul, and I promise you I’m here if you need to talk.

I love everyone, everyone all the same.

This journey with my pride and pain, has taught me things that I never wanted to learn, just like all other things in life has taught me.

Today’s lesson came from work. When working in a long-term care facility, watch where you are walking while in the shower room. I stepped in human poop. It was gross, it was worse than a big pile of unexpected dog poop. I drove home in my socks!

Other lesson’s I’ve learned: my past doesn’t define me, choices, I’ve made, although they have led me here, do not define me, Jesus does. Grab hold of his plow and don’t look back. For He’s coming soon to thresh the floor.

I’m not sure if you know it or not, but most of the time when I write, I ask God to give it to me and I write as it comes to me, I had to look up what it meant to thresh the floor, the symbolism for threshing the floor means promises of plenty.

I don’t know what Jesus is up to, but I can tell you something, I say something good is coming, I’ve been fought hell and back lately. It seems like I’m on a boat in the middle of the sea, being tossed to and fro, I lose grip, Jesus calms the sea, the waves try to knock me over again. I scream come on Satan with my hands held out, take me if you can! It gets bad, it gets tough, but I won’t back down. I know who my strength is. My redeemer is mine, and he wants to be yours. Jesus is his name, and he knows your name. Trust him, I say trust him, for you are about to reap your harvest, but you got to let go, and grab on to him.

Don’t think about it. God is real. Jesus is real. You hear his voice, his voice is real, its leading you back to him, he knows you are near to him, but he also knows you are far away. Get close, get close I say, for you are about to see!

I’m go back and read this now. Sometimes he just takes over! ❤

Everybody’s got a story to tell, and everybody’s got a wound to be healed. I want to believe there’s beauty here, ‘Cause oh I get so tired of holding on, I can’t let go I can’t move on, I want to believe there’s meaning here. How many times have you heard me cry out, “God please take this”? How many times have you given me strength to Just keep breathing? Oh I need you
God I need you now. Standing on a road I didn’t plan, Wondering how I got to where I am I’m trying to hear that still small voice I’m trying to hear above the noise. Though I walk, Though I walk through the shadows, And I, I am so afraid, Please stay please stay right beside me, With every single step I take –Plumb

❤ Remember, I love you,

❤ Jesus loves you most!!

❤ & you are Awesome!!

❤ Christie


One response to “Tic Toc, Tic Toc”

  1. Love this REAL and open writing. The world needs to hear and see this kind of REAL ANOINTING unveiled in the true seed of God, so that they might see Him IN us and also glorify our Father which is in heaven…Anointed Writer, keep bringing the REAL Thing that is our Jesus to a lost and dying world….it shallllll pull some from the fire….it SHALL reap a harvest for the Kingdom.


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