Mentally I’m broken. I’m spiritually exhausted. I do not feel like reading my bible. I’m not blaming God, but at times I feel like I’m barely holding on to God.
I remind myself, this hailstorm will soon be over, and I must go on to fight. I must hold to my dignity and keep my head up. Jesus has never failed me, and he never will.
Welcome to my world.
Once again it has been shaken up and turned upside down.
The cause of it?
My pride and my pain.
I miss Syrus and Jaylah so much I can’t stand it. I’m aching on the inside. This time it’s been since April 2022. It’s a never-ending vicious cycle. Once again, I remind myself that Jesus is in control of this whole situation, even if my flesh is crying out for relief.
For those of you that have never read my blogs or maybe you’re just now coming across them, I often refer to my oldest 2 children (Syrus and Jaylah) as my Pride and my Pain.
I’ve cried many nights over my pride and my pain, and I’ve swallowed the grief so much that I go numb, then alive, then numb again, then alive. Most of the time I feel like I’m drowning inside and out, then I snap myself back to reality and allow the numbness to take over and force myself to live while being partially dead on the inside.
I’m so numb and hurt anymore, that I have isolated myself to a handful of people. I literally don’t talk to anyone. I’m not stuck up, I just feel like no one understands, and when you do try to talk to people it’s the same old pep talk, over and over again, reworded, and quoted again and again.
Most of the time I try to see the good in every situation, but right now all I feel is my hurt.
On, a happy note, I love Owley. She’s a godsent in the midst of all this depression. Owley is a beautiful Himalayan kitten. When I call home from work to check on Eli, I also check on my owl child. Eli will tell you, Owley belongs to Mommy. She hates her hair brushed and tries to eat the brush. She loves to play her big sister Chloe, (Chloe tried to eat her at first, but now she mothers her)
I started a new job, and in August I’ll start college. Basics the first year, while studying for my ACT, hopefully next fall I can get into the nursing program to become a RN.
Every day I wake up, scattered in a million directions, a million pieces on the floor, a couple deep breaths, and Jesus pulls me through, all while reminding me peace be still.
It’s hard to be the bigger person when at times we feel like we are the victims. It’s hard to pray for peace when, your peace has been taken from you, but that is what Jesus would want, Jesus wants us to show mercy and grace, and love. He wants us to love like he loves with a forgiving heart, even if our heart is broken and shattered like glass. He wants us to push on when we can’t push.
Remember Calvary’s hill.
When Jesus was so weak in body, and broken down from the beating he took, and he could no longer carry his cross, Simon helped him that last little bit, and he finished his course. When we are unable to go anymore, Jesus comes along and helps us so we can finish our course. He’s our burden bearer, he’s our tear catcher, he’s our closest friend, and he’s, our intercessor, and he’s still good no matter the agony of my pride and pain.
If you don’t know Jesus, I invite you to just talk to him. Call out to him, and just have conversation, he’s listening. And if he’s knocking at your heart, don’t turn him away because he’s only obligated to knock once. The second death and hell are real, and Jesus is the only way to survive them, without him, you’ll burn for Eternity. –Make heaven your home and start your walk with Jesus today.
Reach out to me via email. I’ll respond.
I love you and Jesus loves you most!
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