In the cool of the morning, in the heat of the day, and in the damp of the night I still feel.
It’s been over a month since the capsule of numbness has been broken, and I’m still breathing, my heart is still beating, and each day I’m more aware than I was the day prior. Each day is new, each wave is new, each emotion is new, each breath is new, each deep breath is new, and each deeper breath is new.
I still feel them, I feel them in the night, and in the day, and every place I go.
I feel pain. I feel wonder. I feel grief.
I miss Syrus and Jaylah. They’re close, but not close to me. There’s a wedge that’s been placed by the devil himself. I cry in my heart, and I cry with my eyes, tears roll down my cheeks, down my neck and upon my chest. I cry when I’m alone. I feel them. I remember the day I brought each of them home, and the day they went away. I feel them as they’re aging and becoming the little adults they’re meant to be. I feel them when they’re absent from me in mind, and when they isolate into their own little worlds. I feel them when they don’t even know it. I feel them hunger and thirst after a life that’s been diplomatically fuel by a YouTube driven generation, a generation that’s far away from the life I grew up myself. I feel them as they enter in and out of danger, I feel them as they fall into the divers’ questions in their individual minds, wondering about the unknown and wondering why. I feel them. We talk and I feel the absence in their words, the lostness in their hearts, the incompleteness in their world. While with words they say I’m ok, the heart speaks and echo’s what isn’t said.
I feel Eli. I feel his full of life curiosity. I feel his heartbeat for his little girlfriend, boy oh boy I’m not ready for him to grow on me. I feel his tears fall as he doesn’t understand he’s only 6 and cannot spend every minute with this precious little girl. I feel his innocence, I feel his pain as he calls me a mean mommy because he’s received punishment for backtalking me. I feel his hurt when I don’t have the strength to play. I feel his love when he relentlessly reminds me, he loves me and then apologizes for being mean. I feel his sincerity. I will push my hardest to make sure he doesn’t lose his love for Jesus.
I feel Danny. I feel how pure he is to me. I feel how genuine he loves me. I feel how he only wants what’s best for me and Eli, I feel how he is pushing me to learn independence, and not to be wasteful. I feel his heartbeat for me, and it’s scary. I see parts of Jesus in him even when I am confused, because the whole picture doesn’t look like its ever coming together, I pray to be more like Jesus and more like him.
I feel Chloe. I feel Chloe jump from bed to bed to wake me up for work in the mornings and on the weekends when I’m not up according to her schedule. I feel her fierceness when she tries to be a water walker. I feel her attitude when I tell her to get off my cabinets and she just looks at me like, you’re short and can’t reach me. I feel her when she purrs in my face at 3:30am just to make sure I’m breathing, I feel her. I feel her watching over me when I’m sad.
I feel my church family, also known as my second family (Sarah included). I feel their love for me, and I feel my love for them. I feel them accept me without hesitation, and I feel myself become more alive every time I’m with them. I feel loved in a hate filled world because of them. Because of them, I feel what it’s like to be a middle-aged mother, and wife. Because of them I feel what it’s like to want the desires of Jesus and not of this world, because of them I feel what it’s like to have a normal family life where, people cut up, play rook, and eat some of the world’s best cooking. Because of them I feel what it’s like to be a part of something bigger, because of them I feel Jesus more now than I ever did.
I feel my blood family. I don’t speak of them often, but I feel them. I feel the absence from them, I feel my heart close up and guard itself, no grudges being held, but just guarding what Jesus gave me. I’ll not cast my pearls before swine, but I also won’t hesitate to pray that Jesus opens up the eyes of the blind. I feel a world of darkness with them. I love them, but I’d rather love from a distance.
I feel Jesus, I feel his love for me. I feel myself wanting Jesus more than I want my very breath. I feel myself wanting all of what Jesus has for me, even if it cost me everything in this life. I feel him in the wind, I feel him in the trees, I feel him in the sunsets, I feel him in the crosses, I feel him in the redbirds, I feel him in my lungs, I feel him in the night, I feel him in the day, I feel him in the praying, I feel him in the waiting, I feel him in the songs, I feel him in the laughter, I feel him in the praise, I feel him in the dance, I feel him in the sunset, I feel him in the rain, I feel him in the dawn and in the dust of the day. I feel him in the ladybugs, I feel him in the owls, I feel him in the butterflies. I feel him in it all. I feel him. I feel him.
I know that no pain in this life can compare to the glory that’s coming when I’m finally in the arms of the one who loves me. When I’m finally in the arms of Jesus, nothing can compare to that. What a beautiful day it will be. I’m marching on, I’ll push. I’ll pray until something happens, and I’m going to praise until something happens.
I feel isolation, and numbness, bitterness, anger, and love. I feel it all. But I chose love, even if it’s from a distance.
I’ve always heard in this life you have to stand for something, or you’ll fall for anything. I stand for Jesus, and all of his word.
Revival is coming… are you ready? Oh, how I feel revival. I feel the touch of that mighty rushing wind….
I love all of you, even in this season of the final wait, (what am I waiting for? REVIVAL, held by heaven itself, the miracles will soon return back to us.)
Jesus loves you most.
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