It’s been almost 7 years since you passed away. It’s been almost 7 years since I’ve spoken one word to you. But tonight, I need to talk. I know I can talk to God, but right now I’d rather talk to you.
Tonight, I’m hurting. Tonight, I’m hurting mentally, physically, and emotionally. It’s not because of you, I know you had to leave, and I know you was hurting. I don’t hold that against you or God. I’m thankful for the years I had you. You were an amazing Dad and I’m forever grateful for our memories and for you stepping up to the plate of being my dad, knowing I never was biologically yours, yet you gave me your last name, and you raised me as your own without hesitation. I’m thankful for you. I’ll forever hold you in my heart, and I’ll forever love you. Thank you.
Right now, I just need to talk. I know this is personal, but I feel like this will help someone other than myself. I’ve tried talking to God about it, and I get nothing, or well what I do get, I can’t comprehend, so I’ll just talk to you. You were the one person I knew I could talk to without judgement, and without fear. I love Jesus but I always fear I’m in the judgement seat, and I fear him terribly. I fear I’ll be shut out of his kingdom, and he knows that all too well.
I got issues, (do not laugh, I can almost hear it, go figure right, Christie, you have got to get it together.) But no, seriously I got issues. A big issue.
I can’t feel love towards people, and I don’t know how to feel love from people. I can say it, (yes, I’ve prayed about, there’s the answer to your question, I have prayed about it). But I can’t Daddy, I just can’t. Now I’ll answer the other question I just heard you ask me. (God, it’s been so long since we’ve talked, please keep talking, and I’ll keep answering).. This started when you died.
I’ll explain more just like you just said.
When you died, I was pregnant. You know that, I’m sure you have saw him. Eli. (no don’t type that, keep talking to me about why you can’t love) ok.. I’ll do that.
I couldn’t grieve. I couldn’t allow myself to feel you, I couldn’t allow myself to accept you being gone. NO, I don’t blame you, Stop asking stupid questions. I know they’re not stupid and that you want to know, but still. I’d never blame you for me not being able to feel love towards people, or me being able to reciprocate love from people.
I had to turn a page. The day you died, I had to turn a page. I remember it like it was yesterday. I woke up with missed calls from my uncle, your brother. I knew something was wrong. I was told you died that morning. I sat in the living room floor crying my eyes out. I remember 2 shadows, walking across the porch on the outside of the house. They were huge, one behind the other. I can still see them clearly in my mind, they had heads, and the bodies were boxy, wearing what appeared to be solid robes, with shoulder pads, there were no belts or anything on the robes, but they were clothed, these beings were square looking, all except the heads. The first one was white. The purest white I’ve ever saw, and the second one was dark, like smoke dark. The white one was directly in front of the dark one and they went across my porch almost like the wind carried them. I never saw them come into the house, and I never saw them after that. By the colors I’m assuming one was good and the other evil, salt and sand, life, and death, the angel of light and the angel of darkness. Until that day, I had never saw anything from the other side, in my life. Needless to say, I became a believer that day in the world of the unknown. Seeing is believing, and well I saw it. I swear I’m not crazy, and I know you know this all too well. (Ok, maybe a little crazy, but that’s your fault for petting me so much ❤ take that baby card and shove it, lol. sorry. )
Anyways, that day was the toughest day of my life. I had to turn a page, not just any page, but I had to turn a page to love. To real love, to you. Well, I’ll tell you why since you asked, because I was pregnant, like I stated earlier. I had to watch out for Eli. If I had grieved, it would have affected him, and I would have possibly lost him, so I made the best / worst decision of my life by turning that page. God, knows I regret it, I can’t seem to undo that page to get the feelings, or emotions back that go along with LOVE. I can’t seem to undo not being able to feel, or comprehend, or not shut people out.
That’s right I said it, I shut people out. But I do it not thinking. I do it to protect them from me. I do it because I love them more. Yes, I contradicted myself, but my only way that I can show love is to shut them out. To keep them from my destruction, to keep them from my pain, to keep them from my darkness, that usually always looms, even if it’s months or years before it arises, darkness has become my friend. Pain has become my muse. I’m stuck in the I deserve Pain, and I deserve to not be loved, and I refuse to allow myself to feel love.
I’m well, aware I’m the one keeping myself from loving, but you see, I don’t know how to undo it. I’ve tried and I’ve prayed, I’ve prayed, and I’ve prayed. I try to show people that I love them, only to end up hurt. I’m not one to accept hurt. At the first site, or feeling of someone keeping something from me, I shut them out because I’d rather not deal with the pain. Losing you was enough to wreck me. Yes, I love my kids, but I can’t show it, past saying it. I can’t hug or hold them, I can’t cuddle long, I suffocate. I love them near me, I want them around me, but I don’t like to be touched. I do want to be touched, but I get overwhelmed and then I’ve had enough and I’m like ok, get off me, I can’t breathe. I didn’t used to be that way when you were alive and before you passed away.
I’m stuck in a time capsule, a time capsule of when I used to feel, and I buried it deep, so deep that its unreachable. Very few people have reached that point, and the moment people have reached it, I pushed them out, and back to the surface, and I make it that much harder for them to reach it. I’m not sure if anyone will ever get inside this time capsule. That’s a lie. Few people can get into it, that’s only because I want them there, and I don’t want them there, so I’m iffy on it. I’m scared of them too. My kids being a few of them. And the others, I’m sure they know who they are. Some of these people, I think push themselves out thinking they help me when, in reality they hurt by pulling out of it. I want them to stay, but this time capsule hurts us all so bad, that its better all-around if they stay out of the time capsule. It’s confusing. I know. Confusing, Contradicting, Christie. But they know who they are.
Let’s talk Momaw, you know she’s dying of Cancer, right? Well do you know, I can’t bring myself to facing it. I’m numb. I love her, she’s suffering, I love her dearly, but I cannot allow myself to feel it. It’s my way of protecting myself, I’m not selfish, you’re not here to watch over me and catch me, so I have to make do.
Let’s talk Danny, I’ve been married to him now almost seven years, and I don’t even know how long we have been together, I’m thinking close to 8 or 9 years, anyways, Danny and you are close to age, so I placed him in a box with you, and kept him there. Losing you when you were 55 done me in. You were so young and had so much more of life to live. Him being 3 years younger than you, I didn’t want to allow myself to get close to someone and lose them. He’s 60 now daddy, and I’ve never really loved him like I should have, and every time I try, he makes me mad, and I’m like you know what, to heck with this, I don’t want to get hurt, I refuse to get hurt, and out you go. I ain’t got time for that. Either love me right, or don’t bother me. I know everyone has good intentions, but if you want me to reciprocate, don’t hurt me. Not mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. Don’t HURT ME.
Now the kids, those are my love bugs. I love them dearly, but I can’t love them the right way. Losing Syrus and Jaylah done me in. I buried my heart on that years ago, and every time someone gets mad, they leave me, leaving me left undone again. I can’t handle it. I love them dearly more than I do myself and I’d lay my life down for them, but pain is something I do not want to feel ever. Especially the pain of loving and losing. Loving you and losing you done me in, loving the kids and losing them wrecked my world. NOPE. not having it. But I deal with it the best I can. NOW on to Eli. His love is the purest. (Not that Syrus and Jaylah’s isn’t, and yes, I’m aware he’s still a baby and he’ll too turn into a big turd like they are) but right now, he reassures me daily that he loves me unconditionally, and he always ask me how much I love him. I tell him, but Daddy, I can’t feel him either. I hear it, But I can’t feel it. I cuddle him, I can’t feel him.
Now let’s talk Jesus, the man who gave his life for my salvation. Man, I love him, and I can’t show it. I can’t feel him either. I see him in certain things in my life, but I can’t feel like I want to. I want to feel him more. I’ve tried reading, But Daddy, I need a love I can feel. I need to Feel Jesus. I want to feel Jesus with more than just words. I want to feel him hold me, I want to feel him tell me I’m going to be ok; I want to feel him tell me, let Go. I want to feel him tell me its ok to cry, I want to feel him wipe the tears off my cheeks. I want to feel him tell me, you’re going to get through his, I’ve never left you, and I never will leave you. I want to feel him near me when panic and anxiety sets in, I want to feel him period. I want him. And I know he loves me, but in my eyes I’m so undeserving that I just can’t. I just can’t allow him to love me, I can’t allow myself to be accepted by the one who loves me more than he loved himself. I can’t.. But I need to. I need to let him hold, accept, mold, and tell me everything that I just said I needed to feel.
My problem is me. I wish I could just break this time capsule and let it all run out on the floor, but I can’t. I may become more than human again. I might just maybe love again.
Maybe one day, but not today.
Thank you for listening Daddy.
❤ Christie. (I’ll not say that nickname its embarrassing, you gotta stop calling me that.)
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