The testimony you are about to read is lengthy; so, sit back, grab a tissue, a snack, blanket and a pillow. This testimony is 100% true and may be a trigger warning for some. If you are easily offended or easily pushed into episodes of mental health, discretion is advised.
My journey into the dark side of drugs began at an early age. Being raised in a broken home, with a mother who done the best she could; I was exposed to more than the average child has ever saw or should have to see. Being raised around addicts of all kinds (alcoholics, marijuana users, opiate users, etc.) exposed me to sex, and drugs and I was often left in a state of wonder as to Why God does my parents have to act this way?
When I was a young child around the age of 8 years old through 12 years old, I began to have surgeries to repair a hole in my left middle ear drum. I remember the medicine leaving me tired, foggy minded and itchy feeling. My mom even called the doctor once to tell them I was having an allergic reaction once because I was itching all over. But it was a good itch, and the mental feeling of numbness and that euphoria of not being in the dark, but rather being untouchable in mind was exhilarating. I was on cloud 9. I knew I loved it, and it was the best thing until that point that I had ever felt.
Around the age of 18, I had met my high school sweetheart and had gone through the process of a medical induced addict, family medicine cabinet addict and I was officially a marijuana user and a habitual opiate user. The only reason I hadn’t become addicted to opiates at that moment was because they were so hard to come by.
In my middle 20’s the OxyContin train hit Eastern Ky and surrounding states, extending all the way down the east coast. People from Eastern Ky would travel to other states just to go to the big time pharm doctors who were writing pills to anyone for just a few hundred dollars. These people would bring the medicine back to Eastern Ky and then distribute, all throughout the area. I was never one of the ones who traveled, but I quickly became one of the ones who distribution was made to; it was then that I became a frequent opiate user and shortly after that, an opiate addict. I’ll be as blunt as I can be with this, I was a pot head and a pill head. And I loved it. With everything I had experienced as a child, and through school, I was sold into the world of drugs, drugs, drugs. I didn’t have a care in the world, except for how can I get more, and how not to feel. Once, entering this world I would make it my home and lose everything I ever loved including my first two children until the age of 31.
Back track a little to the darkest part of my addiction. When I was 28 years old, my Daddy dropped a bomb on me. He told he had cancer and was given 18 months to live. I never knew dark until I entered dungeon dark. Like a black hole sucking the universe inside an abyss to be destroyed, the fun and games was over with, and playing with the darts of death became my friend. Only, I was the one that was throwing the darts, and I was the target of my darts. I lost my mind. You see my daddy was my very best friend in the whole wide world. He was light in the darkness when I was a child. He was the one who didn’t live in the home. My daddy was my vent, he was my secret keeper, my hero. He was my everything and just like that, he was being taken from me. Life wasn’t fair and I didn’t want to go on without him. I was going to make sure of it too. Hello death let’s dance. Hello God, take me instead, and spare him please. Plagues begun to swim in my mind. Pill after pill after pill. It was also in these months that I met my now husband.
Me meeting Danny was a God sent to me, but a devil’s wrath to him. I was hell on wheels, and I just kept rolling. Shortly after meeting Danny I moved in with him and my Daddy followed me into the home. With Daddy dying in front of his eyes, and me playing with fire in front of him, I really do not know how Danny stood it. Danny took over the caregiver position of Daddy and I both. I got worse and worse and worse. I even shaved my hair off. Let me tell you, I had beautiful hair, long, thick and dark dyed black hair. What was I thinking? I’ll destroy myself and no one will want me, no one will love me then, and I’ll have no choice but to wither and die. That proved wrong. Danny cried as I shaved my head, and he loved me anyways; accepting me for me, when I was in the shape, I was in. Who is this man and where did he come from? Why was he still holding on? Looking back, I remember the initial thing that attracted me to Danny was he once went to church, and he had left to find himself a wife. But what he found was far from wife material, she wasn’t human at all. She was a dead person with someone up above taking a bicycle pump pushing air into her lungs to pump them up and as quick as the pump gave air, her lungs deflated. This person up above stayed busy for many months, pumping air into those deflating lungs. Who was that person above and why did that person care so much, why wouldn’t he just allow those lungs to stay deflated? I now know. His name was Jesus, and he kept those lungs inflated for his purpose, and he done it because he loved her.
My daily routine was getting up snort 3-4 pills, smoke a bunch of weed, leave the house and go out on pill patrol, and the occasional cocaine or heroin patrol, whatever I could grab, I done it. Daddy’s cancer got worse, and hospice took over. Hospice began to give him big pills, and lots of them, as frequent as he needed them. He’d sometimes get 60-90 pills a week. Out of those 60 pills I’d end up with about 20-30. His brain cancer got so bad he’d drop them like a drunk man, and like a little dog looking for a bone, I’d make sure to snatch them up, I went as far as searching his bed covers every day because I knew the goods were in there, little hidden crumbs of the life, I was chasing falling from my master’s table.
There were 3 days during my addiction that night grew even darker around me. The time was middle January 2015. Daddy dropped a whole bottle of pills and lost them, hospice resupplied his pills, and I found the ones he lost, did I initially steal them, no, but I did find them all over the floor. My thought was finders’ keepers, he wasn’t hurting they gave him more, so he obviously didn’t need these back. Those 90 pills lasted me 3 days. Let me add this, those were dilaudid 2’s extended release, and I was approximately 100 lbs. The first day I snorted about 20-30, along with God only knows how many benzos, the second and third day I done the same. Let me further explain, with extended-release medicine, not every bit of the medicine is released at once. It releases over a period of time, to keep the pain down longer. On the first day not only did I take enough to die, but by the second and third day rolled around my funeral should have already been over with. I remember those nights clearly as I went to sleep, I was praying God please don’t me die. I knew something was up, I could feel it in my body, and as I slept, I saw darkness, and redness in the background. I never saw flames, but I saw the redness, and pitch black. It was an eerie shade of red orange and foggy but the black abyss in front of it is where I stopped. There was no falling involved, I only prayed as I feel asleep begging and pleading with God, please don’t let me die. I woke up, and the next morning and done it again. This continued for 3 nights in a row and on the 3rd night I had over 90 pills in my system that’s 180 mg, that’s more than one mg per pound of body weight. There’s no logical explanation other than the man with the pump, pumped overtime. After the 3rd day I still done pills, just not that many.
After that night my body started showing these weird changes, not addiction changes but something different. I paid close attention to it to. Red flags began to pop in my head. What on earth was going on with me and my body? I began to turn to Dr. Google and research these signs and symptoms. Dr. Google was telling me I was pregnant. I kept watching and watching and watching, noting everything, while still using, I kept the suspicion to myself at the time, but I was waiting for mother nature to show herself. I knew her date, and I knew what my body and Dr. Google was saying. But the tell-tell one was mother nature. Would mother nature make her appearance? The morning came, and nothing, ok, it may be later in the day, by night fall I was almost in shock, but ready to run to the store, and that’s exactly what I done. Dollar General here I come, speedway, it’s your turn now. Was Dr. Google right or was all this my imagination and wishful thinking? Did I have a reason to live or not?
As soon as I peed, two bright pink lines appeared. I cried and began to shake, off to the ER I went for confirmation, I mean you can get one false positive but what are the odds in 2 in the same night? They came in and told me you’re pregnant. — That man with the bicycle pump had a name now it was Jesus, and what he done for me that night I’ll forever remember. That isn’t all of it., the date that I got pregnant was the very days that I took all the pills. Not only did Jesus keep me alive but, he kept my child alive and within me, he kept that seed going. He gave not only me life from the dead, but he gave me a life inside of me, so I wouldn’t want to be dead. My pattern changed after that night; I only took enough medicine to keep my unborn child from going into spontaneous neonatal withdraw, which could have resulted in miscarriage.
When I was 3 weeks pregnant, Daddy was in nursing home because the cancer had gotten so bad in his to his brain, I remember it like it was yesterday, I was on my way to the nursing home, I stopped at Wendy’s for Food, I was going to McDonald’s but made the joke Wendy’s was cheaper. I walked in ordered food and set down. There was a familiar car that pulled in, my heart sank, in this car was my oldest kids, my pride and my pain. Syrus and Jaylah. They had no idea I was there, and I had no idea they were going to show up there, no one was on speaking terms. Those kids came in with their grandma, and is like something told them look there’s mommy, they came straight to me. They got so close that I finally reached out and grabbed them. I told them I was pregnant and that they were going to have a sibling. I reminded them how much I loved them and missed them. They went their way, and I went my way. This same day, I saw Daddy and I’ll never forget the words he spoke to me “I love you and you have a lot of growing up to you, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Daddy died the next morning. But I’ll never forget how Jesus gave me another sign of life when death came knocking on my door. If I could just have one more conversation with him, I’d tell him “Daddy, I’m trying, and Jesus has saved me, and when he calls me home, you’ll be the 2nd person I hug.”
Danny and I ended up married in the summer of 2015, I was seven months pregnant, you know what else, I ended up buying my wedding dress in the fall of 2014, I had bought it bigger, I didn’t know why I had bought a dress that was 2 sizes to big, but now I do, Daddy got to see my wedding dress, and I needed it a larger size because of my pregnancy. Every little girl’s dream is for her Daddy to see her wedding dress, and for him to walk her down the aisle, he saw my dress, and he may not have physically been there but, in my heart he was.
During my pregnancy I ended up getting into a program for pregnant women and I got of the drugs. In the end of 2016 I became unhappy again, and this time the devil offered me everything that had a name. Except Peace, the devil and all his lies cannot give you peace. I began to question life, I began to question what my Daddy would tell me to do, but what I got was so much more. I was sent a helper. This helper was Holy Ghost filled; she was a woman filled with the Spirit of the Lord. I cried every time I talked to her. Her voice alone made me cry, she could speak one word to me, and I’d cry. She told me one day “Christie you have to get control over yourself” What I told her next flipped my lid, I said “You don’t understand, I feel God with you”. I knew Jesus was real, (aside the times mentioned above, read through the rest of my blogs and you’ll see him more in my life,) but this encounter was different. Listen, I had been baptized before, made my confession, but I had never had an encounter with Jesus until this day. You see, I’ve always heard people say, “Tell me you’re a Christian without saying you’re a Christian” She done just that. He was lord of her world, he radiated through her, and he went before her and after her, that’s why I felt him when she spoke. Before her voice was his presence. Behind her words, was his wisdom and his heart. She listened to me, and all my what would Daddy want questions, an in reply she fed the me the anointed word of God. What’s the difference in the anointed word of God and someone just speaking the word of God, The POWER behind it. I read every and listened to every word she told me. I remember feeling a tugging at my heart too, so I began to talk to other people about what Daddy would want. My uncle and now church family, my mother and I drove them all crazy during this time, all of them told me the same thing. I even told my mother to shut up because I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted to know what Daddy wanted, not what God wanted.
On New Year’s Eve of 2016, I spent the night partying away with friends. I was back to not caring about anything, but I was wondering about God though, even though I didn’t want no part of him I wondered what he really wanted from me. I even asked the ones I was with about God. During this time let me note, I was going to a suboxone clinic, but had broken back over to smoking marijuana, and a lot of marijuana. I smoked more pot than what you see in the movies. I was the epitome of a pot head. But. this pot head was about to get a wakeup call.
I returned home on January 1st, 2017, said bye to my friends, came in and was in a million pieces. Still, texting my helper in Jesus, the one who Jesus sent to me, I was now asking about God, and less about Daddy. Danny had to run an errand, and my son who Jesus had given me in the loss of my Daddy, was at that toddling stage had scattered the books everywhere. From that moment on Jesus took over.
Danny picked up the bible and began to place it in the bookshelf, I told him I was going to read that bible. It never occurred to me to read the bible. Prior to this, the only time I looked at the bible was when I wanted a cute quote out of it. I told Danny I’ll just read Daddy’s bible instead. Danny left, and there I was alone with Eli, and my helper on the other end of the phone, I picked up Daddy’s bible. Jesus met me there. I sat there in my living room floor, tear filled eyes, and I looked up what salvation was, I read it all out loud, and searched out every verse reading it out loud too, then followed repentance, I read the meaning and then the verses.
At that very moment, I cried out to Jesus. I asked him to please save my soul, and to forgive me of my sins. I felt him come into my body, I felt my body die, I felt my body come back to life, I was born again. The verse in John 3:3 came alive to me, except a man be born again he cannot enter into the Kingdom of Heaven. I remember texting my helper and telling her I was saved, and all about what I had just experienced. I had the most amazing experience of my life. The old me died that day. And a new me emerged from the floor of hell. Raised up by Christ himself, I was alive, I was really alive, and I was really saved, and I felt it. I felt him. I knew I was a new me.
The next day I went back to the suboxone clinic, and again Jesus touched me, he told me to lay down the suboxone. I was scared at first, but after talking to my helper she told me to just listen and he would help me, So I did. Listen I had just paid for that month’s visit, I could have made over 2000 dollars off that prescription, but with the help of Jesus I laid them down. My legs hurt for bout 7 days, but not bad. My helper who was filled with the Holy Ghost would pray for me and the pain would go out of my legs and out my feet. She stood and gave testimony at her church, there was a woman there that worked in a clinic; that woman told her the hand of God was upon me because Suboxone is the roughest drug there is to come off of, it lands a lot in the hospital and many relapse. I’ve heard others describe it as a getting snake bitten all over their body, and the withdrawals usually last 4 weeks or longer, but not mine, why because, I gave them to Jesus, and he took it away.
About 2 years into my walk with Jesus, my walk got tough, and I decided no more, I’m going to be the old me again. Heaven came to my rescue again. I didn’t back slide, but Jesus himself placed his hand upon my head that night. And told me of a time I could have died, it was those 3 nights I took all the pills. He told me he kept me alive for his purpose, and for his will. He told me I’d lead many to him.
So, as I bring my testimony to a close, let me ask you something? Are you an addict? Do you know where you’re going to go if you die while under the influence of Drugs? Do you know that hell is very real? Do you know that in hell there is weeping and gnashing of teeth and the worm dieth not? Do you know about the rich man and the begger in the bible? Do you know Jesus? And if you say you do, do you have a relationship with him?
I invite you to have a conversation with me in private. You pour out your tears and you pour out your story, no judgement, and no bible thumping, I just simply want you to know you’re not alone. I am with you, and there’s one greater than me that is with you, and he will give you to drink of a living fountain, one that flows freely, and one that can break any chain you’re bound by. Let me say, you don’t have to be addicted to drugs to be an addict, you can be addicted to anything, even darkness. Take my hand. & Let me help you.
Remember you’re not alone in this.
I love you and Jesus loves you Most!
Leave a Reply