The Purpose for My Pain

“Psalms 143:8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.”

A trouble childhood doesn’t have to dictate our future. A troubled past doesn’t have to dictate our steps. Sometimes the life we have lived or was given was only meant to grow us for a better future. Sometimes the life we were given wasn’t mean to break us, only it was meant to teach us for our later and greater end, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

All my life I have witnessed abuse (rape, physical, and mental, emotional, spiritual and social- not only to me but also to my loved ones.). All of my life I have suffered darkness. But with all of this darkness, I have also always experienced light. And that light was the light of Christ.

Let me go farther, this may be a little painful, but I’m hoping it helps.

Beginning with a broken home, a Daddy who was absent, but one who loved me, and a mother who suffered trauma in her past, and a mother who allowed her trauma to raise me as a child, the brokenness chose me. It was the life I was given. Everything from watching my sister be raped, to being entrapped in that home, was there. I was the victim of physiological and emotional abuse, often being kept away from friends and relatives, including but not limited to not being allowed to stay the nights with friends, and not being allowed to participate in normal school activities. There was always an excuse given, whether it was money, or just the fact that my parents said, “you’ll get out and get pregnant, or you’ll get out and get hurt, but mostly because they knew I’d get out and begin to talk about what was really going on.” I was a victim of financial and material abuse. While they made sure I had everything I needed, when I had reached the age of 18, and was placed on disability for my ears, they made sure that they were entitled to keep that too, they even went as far as taking me to court to and tricking me into signing a paper stating that my mother had control over my money until I was the legal age of 21, only for me to realize later that this paper was void and null, because it wasn’t signed prior to me turning 18, it was signed afterwards, and the white out was clearly there with the date altered. With that being said I too have been a victim of discriminatory abuse. I was denied the right to my drivers permit, the right to doctor according to my own free will, and the right to making decisions based on my own capability. My life fell into the category of modern slavery only it was hidden, hidden so well that I failed to realize it until lately. — One thing is certain in the midst of all of this Jesus was still there, and he had his hands upon me. Please keep reading. None of this was at the fault of Jesus, but what I am saying he was there.

I learned of Jesus at an early age, when my mom would always tell me to pray. I didn’t know the man. But I remember being outside my home while playing on a rare occasion with a kid from down the road outside singing to the top of my lungs ” We love Jesus, we hate the devil.” This song was his song. His word tells me out of the mouth of babes and suckling’s becometh perfect praise, and he was getting his praise then and I didn’t even realize it. I just knew what I felt, and it made me dance. Looking back on this memory, I now know who I felt, and I also know that he was right there with me while I was praising him in the purest form as a child. His word tells me he inhabits the praises of his people, he came down and was right there with me as I was praising him, just like we set down and when our kids are praising us, and or loving on us.

Fast forward. On my 20th birthday, I caught my mom and stepdad gone and packed up and moved out. I didn’t speak to her for over a year. Although I was only a county away, (a 20-minute drive, I silenced the beasts out, not her but the devils within her that she didn’t know she entertained, and ones that we’re beyond her control.) Right after my 21st birthday I found out I was pregnant with Syrus. Syrus is the oldest of my children. Him and his sister are 14 months apart, and I had them with my first husband. Before I move farther, let me speak about my first marriage. It was high school sweetheart. I feel in love with the idea of his protection, only to realize he while he did keep me safe from my stepdad, he also allowed me to be abused by his uncle. One day when he needed some pot for himself and me too, he came up with this idea, if you show him your boobs, you’ll be able to get us a big bag of POT. Sounded harmless right, well it did also to me then. I had this attitude that they were just boobs, and it wouldn’t hurt me, as long as there wasn’t any touching. Only it kept going farther and farther, and soon the touching began and there was no way out that I could see. If I left him, I’d have to go back to my mom’s house, and then what? Fall victim again to them. The cycle in my head was horrible. All I saw was the what if’s and how can I prevent it. My body no longer became mine; it was a tool, it was weapon to get what I needed, and it was my weapon of self-destruction. I allowed my body to get me what I wanted to stay numb, only what I needed back then was to break free of everyone. But I didn’t see that. Would I change it NO. Because it’s made me who I am today. And guess what Jesus was still there. Was he causing it? No, could it have been worse? Yes, things can always get worse. Was he with me through every tear and me telling my ex-husband I don’t want to do this? Yes, but the victimization that took place was far beyond my control to break-free. I was lost in that world. I became more lost throughout the years. Now back to Syrus and Jaylah and my mom.

Finding out I was pregnant made me break silence. My love for my mom, made me want her to have the ability to get know her grandchild(ren). And I wanted my stepdad to know them too. In my heart, not allowing this relationship to build and form was selfish, and I didn’t want that on my heart. I done what I felt Jesus would want. I forgave and moved forward. Only I didn’t know Jesus then I could just feel him, and he was in the midst of me. My mindset became, I was in control over Syrus, and I knew he didn’t have to experience the hurt that I did, especially at the hand of my childhood home. I knew I could allow my child(ren) get to know the loving side of them. Little did I know they would also experience the broken side of the home too. My pregnancy quickly grew high risk, and I needed someone, so Pete and I moved back home to be with my mom. We were a young couple, without a vehicle, all these appointments, and his family couldn’t help as much as I had liked. I needed the help. The home was peaceful then with the occasional derogatory comment from my stepdad, with all the experience I had dealing with it, I stayed in the bedroom, and Pete socialized with them. He tolerated it the best he could, or maybe he didn’t care. I’m yet to know why he allowed the talk about me to take place in front of him and I’m ok with never knowing.

After I had Syrus, the chaos began again!!! My parents figured out that they could receive a check for taking care of him, so they set out on a mission to prove me unfit. -Why would someone do this to anyone? Especially their own child? Why wouldn’t they leave me alone and let me raise my child? The love of money is the root of all evil and I know that is true. Pete and I left, back to his family, and into the court system we went. Only I got pregnant again, with Jaylah. I was in the fight of a lifetime to keep my children from experiencing that home without me. I beat my parents in court. And went away again to the next county. I was 7 months pregnant with my daughter when my stepdad died. I remember the tubes in the ICU, and how he was gasping to get his breathy, as I made my way to his bedside just to say “I forgive you. I love you, and I’ll take care of my mom.” I meant those words with every fiber in my body. I hold no grudges against him to this day. The next day he died. it was the day after my mom’s birthday. She again was broken. I felt horrible for her, while trying to maintain the court stuff with her. Seeing her suffer the loss of her husband while battling me of all people to see her grandchild(ren). Who was this monster I had become, and why was I allowing my hurt to hurt those around me? This wasn’t my character. I felt Jesus better than that, and even though I didn’t know him, I knew he didn’t want me treating her this way. Was all this the fault of Jesus? NO. Was he molding my heart and character through it all? YES. So, I started communicating. I moved back home, after I had my daughter. And I allowed her to help me with both kids as Pete and I was whatever we were back then. 2 young adults raising kids when we were kids in our own world. She knew how to raise kids, I knew how to deal with brokenness, but I knew how to love deeply.

A little more insight to my first marriage, the whole time I was with him he would always ask me out of all of “Nathan’s friends which one was the prettiest? Nathan was my cousin by marriage” He knew the answer. I told him. That little bald headed one. Referring to Jason, who would later become my first love. During my relationship with Pete, I would spend countless hours looking for Jason on myspace. Only to come up empty handed. I had even added someone who looked similar, same area but wasn’t him. I’ll never forget the day I crossed paths with Jason. We were at Nathan’s partying. There was a car coming, and something in my gut told me “That’s him” I knew it before he pulled in, he was about to step into my world. Only I didn’t know the havoc it would bring. — This was the beginning of my first failed marriage. But still looking back I see Jesus had the bigger plan. Oh, as for the look alike I had added to my myspace, later I discovered him and Jason had the same last name so I asked him if he knew him, and it turned out to be his brother. He was that close the whole time. It just wasn’t time for him to enter into my world yet. Taking me back to me seeing “God’s timing” back then. It wasn’t God’s will for me to suffer, but sometimes things are allowed to happen for growth. Some people are placed in our lives at just the right season. And some people’s seasons together end. I know this from experience.

A little bit farther now, Pete knew something I didn’t know about Jason. He was on oxys. He knew that I too would let loose and fall and fall hard. Not only for Jason but for the drugs. The numbness of the drugs would soon be my sooth for the hell, he was about to bring me. He knew I would need it, and he knew I would turn to it.

I’ll never forget the day. Pete and was fighting. We were fighting hard. We had been fighting hard for a few months, but this day was the tip of the iceberg. He had it planned. The kids would go to his moms for a visit, and him and I would take time apart for a few days to see what happened. I trusted him. I trusted them. The whole Raines family, I never should have. That day often replays in my head. The day was dreary, wet and damp. I believe it symbolizes all the darkness that day would carry in my heart for the rest of my life. Judy pulled up in her 98 black Pontiac Sunfire, loaded up the kids for a visit, and I followed to the porch, helping place them in the car, I kissed my kids GOODBYE. I kissed Jaylah GOODBYE. I watched her go down the driveway. I remember seeing the rear-facing car seat, her face. She was 5 months old. That following weekend the kids were supposed to return. Only they didn’t. I began to call, NO ANSWER. I had no idea what was going on. Excuse after, excuse after excuse. No kids returning. Luckily, my mom with all her madness had managed to get every other weekend court ordered with Syrus when I was going through the prior madness with her while my stepdad was alive. The following weekend I met them at a gas station to pick up Syrus. Still, where’s Jaylah and why aren’t you giving her back to me? Our breakup shouldn’t have affected them. I was numb. I used. I was hurting so bad. I missed her. The family I idolized so much, betrayed me. But still I had faith that he would get over his mad spell, and that he would get over me, and eventually return my baby to me, and us settle out of court. No child support, no nothing. He does his part and me do mine. After Jaylah’s failed return, I kept Syrus too. Having Syrus at my mom’s gave me hope he would eventually come to his senses and realize I wasn’t his enemy, and that I never will be his enemy. I loved them all with a pure heart. So why break mine? I done everything for him, including keep him up with my check, he only had one job the whole time we were married, and I supported his and my habit with my body, which he should have saw as his temple. Only he didn’t.

After a few days of being alone, I eventually reached out to a mutual friend and asked about Jason again. And off and away we went. Into the land of sex and drugs. Party like a rock-star, Do the deed like a porn star, (I’m modest now and won’t put what I used to say in there, but I’m sure you know it. Think letter F.) It became reality. He found value in the one thing Pete didn’t. My body. I feel fast for him. Hard for him. I also tried his drug out. I tried the oxys. While going back and forth between my mom’s house with Syrus and going to Jason’s at night, I escaladed. I remember after seeing Jason for 2 weeks, he mentioned his daughter’s birthday to me. I remember hearing it a few times, but something about that night clicked to me. I ask him to repeat the date to me. December 28th. I paused for a minute and said, “That’s Jaylah’s birthday.” He replied, “Christie, who the hell is Jaylah, you’ve mentioned her here and there, but who is she.” I broke! I cried. My response “My daughter.” He knew I had a son, but because of the pain of not having her she became my secret. I didn’t want to say the words, I don’t have her. But I had to. I faced reality that night. She really was gone. My baby was gone. My newborn was gone. I couldn’t hold her, I couldn’t touch her, I couldn’t feed her. I couldn’t go back and not let her go. She wasn’t there anymore. I done another pill, added some benzos and laid there that night feeling like I was having a heart attack on his chest with pain radiating down my left arm as my chest hurt so bad. I didn’t tell him. I didn’t want him think I was dying on him, only I was little by little, too much baggage. Plus, I found something I never found before. I found someone I loved. Someone, it didn’t matter whether they loved me or not. My search was over. I was with Jason. In the back of my heart what little I could feel, I knew I’d get her back. I just knew it wasn’t then. I knew Pete would grow up and just give her back. But the how and when was much later than I expected.

A month later, I got a letter in the mail. It was certified. I opened it and BOOM. Court was in 3 days. I was dirty for everything. Marijuana, opiates, oxycodone (oxy’s are a different panel because of the epidemic on drugs in most states). I knew immediately when I got that letter Pete was clean, and I knew now that they had started from day one. They never intended on giving her back and they were going to take Syrus too. I spent as much time with Syrus that I could. The pain was so bad that it was hard to even swallow it. I numbed it out. I continued to use. I knew I couldn’t flush my system in that little amount of time. I prepared myself mentally for the biggest breaking of my life. Court came. I saw Pete. His hair was died black. He looked like a cracked-out John Travolta in my mind. He had gained weight. I had lost weight. Go figure. Our case was called. The judge said drug testing and I explained I was dirty. And I explained I was played. I accepted the consequences. It was supposed to be 3 clean drug test I get them back, and supervised visitation, but because the visitation was never given a proper place and location, Judy never allowed it to take place. I bit the bullet. Trying to be the bigger person and hoping she’d see I only wanted to see them and not hurt them, and that I was sorry for hurting Pete. I was willing to leave them there because I wasn’t stable, but she was supposed to let me see them. This never happened. But I still held on to hope that by me being the bigger person, soon they would be over their mad spell. Divorce came, again 3 clean drug test I got them back. I was so lost in my addiction, that I didn’t know how to get clean. All my mom wanted was my rights, she didn’t want to help me. She wanted to get a check for them and keep me from them too. At least in my eyes, as long as they were together with the Raines family, I knew they wouldn’t be exposed to things that I was exposed to. No one would help me get housing. I didn’t have a job. I was on disability for my ears. I was staying with Jason part of the time and wherever I could lay my head the next time. I became dark. My world got dark.

Jason also took advantage of me. He’d get my check. I’d even pay his child support. I didn’t have any to pay. I was never taken to court for it, so I took care of him and his. He never once offered to help me get my kids back. He just expected me to figure it out, while he used with me. Once my check was gone, I’d be gone until I got my hands on drugs again to use with him or until he had some he was willing to share, which wasn’t often. It was mainly my friends that used with me. They saw the state of mind I was in, and they knew if they gave me enough drugs to keep from withdrawing that I’d stay within my small circle. Many of them were verbally abusive too when they would get to drinking. One friend in particular was so jealous of Jason, that he got drunk and flipped the recliner over with me in it punching it as hard as he could with me under it. All I could do was pray. I was told over and over again “Jason is using you” I didn’t care, I loved him. I even told Jason what they were saying once, and he told me ” You can’t use the willing B!tch”. I let it slide. I was used to pain. I just needed to keep my heart alive with the love I felt towards him. Not that he felt it towards me. But me being able to feel kept me going even farther into the dark. I was numb in all other aspects. Months turned to years. There was one night Jason woke me up out of a seizure in his arms because I was withdrawing so hard. He went that day and got me drugs. I remember crying so hard and begging God why?? Why me? Please just let me see them. I just need them. I didn’t want to live but because they were living, I knew I couldn’t die. Never once did I blame Jesus for this. I questioned but I never blamed him. I knew he was still Good. I was the bad one. I accepted it. They were taken care of. They were healthy. I still kept tabs. Judy worked night shift for a while, when Jaylah was about 1, and Pete would let me slip in at night between 2am-6am and I would hold Jaylah while she was sleeping. I’d even feed her. He was over his mad spell. He saw I wasn’t out to get him. And that I was still his friend and wanted what was best for them, even if I didn’t know how to give it to them. He and I both were still on drugs. But just beginning to see her (not Syrus, he was big enough to say I saw mommy, and I couldn’t risk getting caught). Also, Judy would call me and keep me updated. My mom had visitation on Syrus, and I’d still see him there even though I wasn’t supposed to be seeing him. All while she tried to manipulate me into giving her my rights. I always prayed in my heart please Jesus let them see I’m not out to fight them. I still love that family. They’re still my family. Jesus always kept me close enough to them to keep my head up in all my chaos. But I was allowed to feel the pain.

I’ll never forget the day Judy allowed me to see Jaylah for the first time, (technically the first time she was aware of). The kids were outside playing in an old garden tub. It had been taken out of the trailer. I walked around the corner not knowing if she would even know me. Syrus was running like a wild turkey, playing airplane dropping water on everyone. It was spring and still kind of chilly out. Our eyes locked. The world stopped. I picked her up, I held her. Embraced her. Stared at her. She stared back. Time stood still. She knew me. She knew her place with me. I didn’t have to say, “I’m Mommy”, she knew. We both were lost, in a perfect world. We were untouchable. The next thing I remember is that snap back to reality, and her and I both were covered in water, somehow Syrus managed to soak us both without us feeling the first drop land on us. Judy talked about that moment for years. I relive it frequent, the day, that time stood still.

Fast forward, I stayed on drugs, sleeping at Jason’s and my other people’s houses. I continued to see Syrus, and sometimes then seeing Jaylah too. Always making memories. Judy tried talking me into letting her adopt them. Making false promises I’d feed into but know better than to believe. In the moment of talking, it’s easy to get caught up in the feelings, rather than the knowing. I knew in the back of my heart the pain she had placed me through, but I also knew the love I had for her. I wasn’t willing to betray her, but I wasn’t willing to trust her either. I knew if she loved them half as much as I did, she would find a way to do it without my signature. Sure, enough she did. I was at Jason’s, and she called me to let me know she adopted them. I flipped out, I said a few choice words and hung up. Later I found out that, Pete had signed the papers, and my paper was purposely sent to the wrong address, making me a no show. Who told me this, Pete did. I was hurt but not mad. I loved them all. And in my heart, I knew they was looking out for the same ones I was looking out for. Even though Judy didn’t always want me in her circle, I stayed. I had their back. When my mommy got a new boyfriend and Syrus told us that he saw his momaw Cindy be locked in the building, and he threatened to get his papaw Dick’s gun and shoot him I teamed up with the Raines family. I went to CPS and check on filing charges on my own mother to keep Syrus from living half the hell I went through. I warned her, either she left him alone or I’d place her in jail like I should have her dead husband. But I wasn’t mad. I was hurt because she failed to protect him. And as a mother, I done what I knew best to do. I was sacrificing my own heart to protect my kids. I’d never hurt my own mother or anyone intentionally when I’m in my right mind state. She backed off. She knew I was hurting, and just wanted peace for them. For her to stop interfering and let God have his way. I didn’t know Jesus but somehow, I knew he was with them, and he was with me.

Years passed, we were always hit and miss. I’d see them sometimes daily, sometimes it would go months. But I always believed we would be reunited. I never stopped believing. That’s something that could never or will never be taken from me.

I met Danny about a year before Daddy died, and I previously parted ways with Judy once again on bad terms. -See the cycle. When I met Danny, I ended up having a nervous breakdown, shaving my head, and losing my mind over Daddy and my kids. I had lost my kids and now was losing Daddy. I said screw this, all anyone sees is my pretty hair and looks so I set out to destroy myself. Only after the hair was gone, I will still left, in my shell of a life. Still broken but still alive. Except I was bald, and I looked like Sinead O’Connor. Daddy was making plans to come live with me and Danny during his dying process. I had talked Danny into getting a car, in hopes I would eventually get my license. I had finally gotten my permit sometime in my early 20s, but as for a driver’s license, that was on my to-do list. After getting my car, I say mine because I picked it out and it eventually did become mine. Danny and I went for a drive right down the street where my kids lived. I didn’t think anything of it. How would they know me? They didn’t know Danny, the car, and my head was shaved with a beanie on, and I was wearing Paris Hilton hangover sunglasses. Guess who saw me. Jaylah. I’m telling you Jesus has told her every time, when I am near. She was outside by herself, we didn’t stop the car, we just drove normal speed with me hiding close to Danny, hoping to just glance at them. She stopped and stared, went to the door and said, “there’s mommy” She was 5. She shouldn’t have known me, but she did. While she told out of happiness, that rotten thing blew my cover. Judy cussed us off the street. And that was it. I didn’t make anymore, contact until that following Christmas. I reached out, got told off and let it be. I still held on to the hope that Jesus would bring them back.

In January 2015, I took enough cancer pills to die, about 90 dilads within 3 days mixed with klonipins. I remember crying out to Jesus at the end of each of those nights saying please just don’t let me die. I felt death, and as far as I remember I can recall blackness, with redness in the background. I was going to hell. 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. Jesus gave me the one thing he knew would keep me going, a baby. He knew I would grab back ahold of life again, and as much as I hurt this was a part of his plan. On the last day I saw my Daddy, I wasn’t aware of it then, but once again, death was in my presence. I was headed to Mcdonald’s but joked Wendy’s was cheaper, and I was pregnant and craving lots of food. I was there long enough to order my food and sit down. Then I watched the car pull up and my body became paralyzed all over. It was my kids, and Judy. They didn’t know I was there. They couldn’t have. No one was on speaking terms. Sure, enough they came in and I was hiding by the window, peeping out of the corner of my eye. I didn’t want to cause a problem for anyone, not them, not Judy. I loved them. I set there. The smirks on their faces, the innocence like someone told them “Look there’s mommy” I’ll never forget. They let go of her hand as she was ordering food, she watched, but allowed them to come to me, and the came and looked me in the face. Everyone in the restaurant was watching, I don’t think they knew what was happening. I tried not to touch them out of respect to her. I was crying with my head down, just glancing, and those little feet and smiling faces got so close to me, to where they were arm to arm with me. I grabbed them both. And told them I loved them, and that they were going to have a baby brother or sister. I hugged them a little longer and they left. Judy never said a word. But something inside of her made her be still. Not a bad face, nothing but stillness. The following morning, I found out Daddy died. I’ll never forget how God gave me a sign of life when death was in my presence.

Before Eli was born, Jesus let me see the 2nd coming in a dream. I ended up married right after that, I didn’t want to die in sin. I knew I was living in it. When Eli was 1 1/2 I was facing divorce again, I wasn’t happy. Jesus sent a friend to me that was filled with his spirit. Not only that, but he was present in her life that I felt him. All I could do was cry at the sound of her voice, because he radiated through her. I remember her telling me, “Christie, you need to control your emotions” I told her “You don’t understand I feel God with you” I had no Idea. But at that moment I had my very first Christ encounter. I had always talked to him, and felt him, but to come in contact with his presence. It was different. A few months later I was saved. Thats when I was delivered off all drugs. Thats been 5 years ago.

Over these past 5 years, I still struggle with the Raines family. One minute the love me the next minute they hate me. At times when the pain was so unbearable, I have even looked into the adoption, consulting Attorney’s and calling the courthouse to see what it would take to get take them back. Only to be told it was a juvenile case, and I had no access to the records, until they were the legal age of 18, or I could contest it. I kept telling God, I just wanted to see what the papers said, and to know if my rights were still intact. Although I knew in my spirit that’s not what Jesus wanted from me. And, even now, every time, I go to fight he tells me “My child, do this my way, not yours. You see I have been with you through the years, and I’m still with you now. I see your pain, and I see that you are broken, and they do too. They’re not as broken as you think, for I too have been with them from the beginning, protecting and sheltering their hearts from the pain you, yourself endured as a child. Remember they’re watching you. And your life is witnessing me to them. Lead them to me, for I am leading them back to you. There’s not a tear I don’t catch. And all those nights you insisted that they kneeled with you to pray for their relationship with their Daddy, whom they know hurt you, as well as their grandmother, never went un-noticed. They remember you insisting they prayed instead of fighting. They remember that you comforted them with my love and my ways, when they were grieving over not being allowed to see their daddy. And they saw that I opened that door for them, because they know I felt their pain. There’s not a problem that I cannot fix, nor a solution according to my ways. For I have been with all of you from the beginning, and I’ll be with you all until the end. Remember my words when I said I would never leave thee, nor would I forsake thee. I meant it. You aren’t alone, and you aren’t forgotten. For I know the plans I have for you declares the lord, plans to prosper you, and to not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Seek me in all your plans, and I shall direct your footsteps. Remember faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. For without faith it is impossible to please me. And you my child have faith. I see it. You may be growing weak and leery, and you may be in the darkness right now, but sometimes in order to grow, you first have to remember where I have brought you from. I know this season has been hard but press on towards the mark of your high calling which is found in me Christ Jesus your Lord and Savior, the maker and creator of not only your world but all the world. You have a testimony to share, and your work is only beginning. The next season, you will grow. You may not see it, but remember I know the ending before you ever step foot into the beginning. This chapter of darkness is ending, soon my light will shine brighter and brighter, but you have to be willing to continue your walk with me. I know you struggle to trust me. I know you’re scared. But now’s the time to awake and put your flesh to the side like you once did for so long. And let go of all that is hindering you from walking closer with me.”

While my walk of life hasn’t always been an easy walk, I look back and I now see that my pain was all part of his divine plan. Even though he didn’t cause it, and he didn’t prevent from happening God is good, he took it and he’s using it for his glory.

Looking back, I can see the hand of Jesus all over my life. The lessons and the blessings. From the broken home. The heart he’s made in me through all the pain. How he’s taken what’s broken and made it new. If I had never lived in that broken home, and if I had grown up spoiled, I would have probably been a snot nosed stuck up, self-entitled brat. God was still good then. If I had never met Pete and the Raines family, I wouldn’t have my Syrus and Jaylah, or even if I would have had kids. If Pete would have never done me dirty with Syrus and Jaylah, I would have fallen to death on drugs and instead of me witnessing Jesus to them today, they would have been looking over my casket 6 years ago when I took all the pills. If Pete had never done me dirty, I would have never grabbed back hold to reality when I found out I was pregnant with Eli. If Pete would have never done me dirty, I may not have ever turned to Jesus in my darkest, even though it was years later when I would be saved. If Pete would have never done me dirty, I may never have gotten the chance to witness the love of Jesus to him and his family. Through their intentional hurt, Jesus has showed his love to them, through my heart. Nowadays, I have forgiven them, even though by the sound of me talking it comes off as I haven’t. Even though I have forgiven them, I’ll always remember. Am I afraid to fight, by no means as long as it’s the Lord’s will. Jesus tells me vengeance is mine saith the Lord, I will repay. The vengeance I pray for is their eternal salvation. You see, I don’t battle flesh and blood, I battle darkness. I battle demons and Lucifer himself. I pray God has mercy upon them and saves their soul in the end. And just like Jesus I pray Father forgive them for they know not what they do. How can I say this when clearly, they had alternative motives, and obviously they planned everything? I say this because in their world they are blinded by their own selfish ways. I too was once blinded by my ways. Until Jesus stepped in. Although I had that forgiving heart, I had that lost soul mentality. I had that I’m fallen mentality. Today my heart is fixed on Jesus. know this if he ever tells me to fight I will. Right now, he’s saying ” Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord, for I am about to move soon, and they’ll know my hands have always been upon you, and they’ll know you’re my child. In a world of darkness shine the light.”

The bible talks about David and how he sinned, but it also states that David was man after God’s own heart. I have sinned and I do it daily, but I consider myself to be a woman after God’s own heart.

You may ask me who I am and where did I come from? My answer is I’m his witness, and I was sent to you, I was sent to you for his glory.

Remember I love you, but Jesus loves you most.

❤ Christie

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