Do you ever sit and wonder, God why me? Why did this have to happen to me? Why do they have it so perfect, and me have it this way? God am I not good enough? God do you not love me? God where are you? God I need you, and I cannot feel you. God please just move on this. God help me, why have I been chosen to go through such a valley or valleys. God this isn’t fair, I’m drowning, and cannot seem to find my way out of this darkness. God please remove this plague, please Lord I beg of thee, make my circumstances different. God this just isn’t fair.
If you have ever had those questions, and thoughts arise in your mind, or if you ever do I’ll be the first to tell you, you aren’t alone.
My life has been a series of perfect storms. Let me elaborate for a minute, trying not to get into all the details, only mentioning a few.
Storm 1: My childhood – Growing up wasn’t so perfect, I grew up watching my stepdad molest my sister, and was a target of abuse myself, only he knew better than to touch me because I would have flipped out, (I don’t have that temper now, but when you see what I saw, you develop a flight or fight personality). No one believed me when I told it, and my sister was bought off by drugs and became an addict at an early age, and then willfully keeping her mouth shut. — My stepdad passed away when I was 7 months pregnant with my daughter, and my last words to him was “I love you, and I forgive you”. I didn’t want that burden of unforgiveness on my heart. Even though I knew not God, I knew I wasn’t his judge. To this day I can tell you more good things about the man than the bad things, and I can say I miss that man and I loved him, I didn’t love his actions, nor his deeds, but I loved the semi-kind of stepdad he tried to be to me. Who knows maybe he was scared of me, or maybe just maybe Jesus was molding me in that storm.
Storm 2: All through school I was bullied, being teased and made fun of from an early age. I grew up knowing to treat people how I wanted to be treated, and I done a pretty good job at it most of the time, but man I won’t even lie, sometimes I snapped, and fought back. Kids will be kids. I remember being in church on one of the occasions that my mom / stepdad took me and hearing a preacher pray a prayer for someone’s mouth to be bridled, and I began to pray this prayer daily over the ones who would be mean to me. Sometimes God took it away, sometimes he didn’t. I may not have thanked him then, but now I do. If things had been perfect for me, I probably would have grown up to be a snot nose girl / woman who thought her crap didn’t stink,
Storm 3: Syrus and Jaylah, and the rest of the Raines family. – This storm is a rather long one, and is still continuing, and will continue until Syrus and Jaylah turn 18. Losing Syrus and Jaylah, and them unlawfully being adopted without my signature has haunted me for years, but Jesus had the greater plan. You see he’s an all knowing God, an ever pursuing God. He knew / knows what my future held and holds. — If I would have never lost then, I would have just thrown Eli down. — Positive side, I see Syrus and Jaylah, they’re still adopted by the Raines family, you can take my rights, but you cannot take away the fact that I gave birth to them. I may not be boss,(unless their with me) but I’m their greatest intercessor here on Earth.
Storms 4, 5, & 6 Drug addiction, Daddy’s Death, and Eli’s Birth –I’ll hit and miss on these, I was a drug addict for many years, (more details and testimony later). I was losing my Best friend my Dad to cancer, and I was dying myself too. I wanted to die, he was my best friend, he one who I depended on. He was my hero (before I met Jesus of course). He was the Daddy he never had to be, but chose to be, (he wasn’t my biological dad, but chose to be daddy even giving me his last name.) He loved me unconditional, and never done wrong in my eyes. It was all I could do to do more drugs to keep from dealing with the inevitable. — Then it happened, 5 weeks before he passed I found out I was pregnant again, God threw me a bone, and I knew I couldn’t die too, I had a baby to worry about ( I wasn’t raising Syrus and Jaylah, and at the time wasn’t seeing or hearing from them, it was a hurricane storm I was in.).. I knew I had to go on, I didn’t want to kill my child in me. — I remember the last day I saw my Daddy alive, I went to Wendy’s when Death was in my presence, my kids pulled in too, I hadn’t saw them over a year, and wasn’t on speaking terms with the one who adopted them because I was hurting so bad.).. Jesus gave me a sign of life when Death was hours away.. The very last day I saw my daddy alive was the first day I got to see Syrus and Jaylah. God was Good, and in my storm of storms he pressed hope. The last words my Daddy spoke to me was “Christie, you have a lot of growing up to do, I love you, and I’ll see you tomorrow.” I’m still waiting on my tomorrow. And I know one day I’ll see him again. I had Eli 8 months later, and in the delivery room when they told the time of his birth, I knew my dad was there. You see I used to say I wanted a birthday baby, a baby born on my birthday. Only Daddy and God new this, Eli’s time of birth was numbers of my birthday, 10:17. Time stopped.. I’ll carry that with me forever.
Storm 7 My marriage. – I’ll not go into much details with this one, I hurt so bad mentally, and wonder God where are you. I made these vowels before you. I hold my own too, I’ve been hell on wheels, and struggle to love him, but I know it’s not all me, although according to his mirror it is.
Storm 8 Waiting on God’s Promises. — Almost 5 years go I had a dream, it was vivid, I saw a picture, a few weeks later this picture was all over news stations and the internet. Talk about being scared and shaken up, when this came to past I thought oh my goodness, someone will come after me. I didn’t know what was happening to me. That following January I gave my heart to Jesus. And sometime after that I ended up having a conversation with Jesus about the dream I had had, and it was then that he made me 3 promises. Its been 4-5 years, and honestly waiting is the hardest part. I’ve had good days and bad days, days where I’m content, and days where I’m dissatisfied, but I’m always comforted by little signs that God is going to fulfill these promises but I question when. I believe soon I’ll see the one about my husband come to past, while the others I anticipate to take a little longer, never the less, Jesus will finish what he started, and I know he’ll come through for me. When I’m in distress Jesus always sends me signs of his promises, I’ll see a butterfly, or ladybug, or an owl. (very long story, these 3 started appearing to me about 5 years ago, right after the dream I had, and sometimes I believe I’m being followed,) nowadays, these little signs have became my peace, and I praise God for them, I don’t know why or what Jesus knows, But I thank Jesus so much for these comforts, they’re apart of me, and I’ll always carry them with me. And I praise him endlessly for them.
Storm 9. My walk with Jesus –While the enemy has tried to convince me in everyway shape and form that I don’t belong to my father and Lord, I press on, I press on towards the Mark of my High Calling with Jesus Christ. — I know who I am, I may not know all my gifts yet, but one thing is certain I do know who I am in Christ. I’m his daughter, and I’m his Witness.
You see in the beginning I labeled these storms as perfect, because they have molded, and are molding me into who Jesus would have me to be. Now, obviously I’ve not always saw these storms as “perfect”, but the closer I get to Jesus the more its clear he’s using these storms for his glory. He didn’t cause them to happen, and as much as I question why they had to happen to me, I’ve learned to praise him and dance in my storms. He’s got a purpose for my pain, and he’s got the greater plan. I may not see it, but I trust him. & in the mean time, if you’re going through a storm of your own, take the Lord’s hand and ask him to help you Dance, smile and praise him like the apostles when they were in prison, after being beaten for him. And remember the Later end of Job was greater than the beginning.
May God bless all of you! I love you and Jesus loves you Most!
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